SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If you are a BS, did your WS give you a reason for their affair?

Yes the reason was “it was my fault” because he was so unhappy these past few years (news to me) and because “I don’t communicate” (wrong- he doesn’t communicate) and ILYBNILWY and because I don’t or didn’t support him AND because I only married him to spite my parents.

Yes imagine 25 years after a good marriage you hear that. Like I’m “pretending” to love him but never really did.

SMH.

This is the crap the cheater throws st the BS to justify the Affair.

The “reason” they cheat is because they wanted to / it’s the choice they make. That’s it. Nothing more.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:34 AM, August 24th (Saturday)]

1. Lack of sexual satisfaction in your primary relationship.

2. Desire for additional sexual encounters.

3. Lack of emotional satisfaction in your primary relationship.

4. Wanting emotional validation from someone else.

5. Falling out of love with your partner.

6. Falling in love with someone new.

7. You seek revenge.

8. You’re curious and want new experiences.

You could lump all of these 8 into

1. Boredom

2. Seeking an esteem boost

Meanwhile, they lack guardrails for their behavior and/or make shitty choices for addressing their boredom and lack of self esteem.

IMO every single cheater cheats because they don't love themselves. They lack self love, confidence, esteem, and respect. They get it from outside sources. Even sex fulfills all those things. Outside validation to build up that empty gaping black hole inside themselves. There are many ways to attempt to fill it with many character flaws to make it happen. If your WS hasn't become vulnerable to admit to that, they still aren't owning it or getting it. They are just stuck on their comfortable level of bullshit reasons that can still be asked, Why? Some may seem like they do that do it for sex. They might seem like they have self love, but having ego is not the same as self esteem, confidence, respect, and love. Even the reason because we want to can be dissected further. Why do you want to? Then so on... It is extremely important for a WS to figure out their whys. It can bring peace to a marriage. If you don't figure it out and change it. Then, you are still a liability that can't be trusted. If you figure it out and own it, change it, become vulnerable to your BS- then they can feel safer around the WS. My wife does now. She feels safe enough to move forward. She feels safe enough to know I am not just going through the motions of white-knuckling it and avoiding situations because I trust myself now. I have chosen to change. For myself. For her. For my children. For my marriage. It gives her peace. Understanding it brings peace and change to the ones willing to go beyond the vehicle of how the got there (vehicles are because I wanted to, or I was selfish, or I was entitled) Even if you change the vehicle, you can still insert another. You have to change the reason why you got into that car from the very beginning. Don't ever settle with the coating. Keep digging.

[This message edited by Zugzwang at 10:00 AM, August 24th (Saturday)]

^^^^ Agreed.

[This message edited by Vomitousmass at 10:28 PM, December 10th (Thursday)]

^^^and what were her reasons for wanting to? It goes deeper than that. We wanted to. Well, that is obvious for every cheater. Otherwise, we wouldn't of done that. What is deeper than wanting to?

Eight reasons why people have affairs:

1. Me

2. My needs.

3. You weren’t there for me!

4. My marriage is bad.

5. I did it because of you!

6. I wouldn’t have done it if it wasn’t for you!

7. You didn’t compliment me enough!

8. Me, me, me, me, etc.

The reasons exist only within the adulterer and existed long, long before they ever began a relationship or marriage.

In the end, people are going to act the way they decide to act.

The inner rationalizations they use to come to those decisions are beyond any external influence to prevent them.

It’s a crap shoot that hopefully one ends up with someone who can inwardly make the rational decision that betraying their word and their family for selfish reasons is inexcusably wrong and emotionally devastating to them.

One more bottom line:

Your spouse’s decision to be unfaithful or faithful to you has nothing to do with you.

[This message edited by keptmyword at 3:53 PM, August 24th (Saturday)]

The reasons exist only within the adulterer and existed long, long before they ever began a relationship or marriage.

Very true. That's where the rational that allows and encourages a jump from I want to to doing it.

What are the reasons behind "I want to"? That's for her to figure out.

having ego is not the same as self esteem, confidence, respect, and love

Yup. Shame that so many can't seem to differentiate here.

I got the standard ILYBNILWY also the back up -I thought you didn't love me. But my all time "favourite" reason he fucked off with his serial homewrecking whore and broke my and our children's hearts... is....wait for it... We didn't sit on the same sofa when watching TV!#!#!. Yes folks, if I'd sat next to him while he watched football, rugby, cricket, athletics, horse racing,tennis, american football, handball or whatever other sport he watched (constantly), I'd still have a marriage. Oh well thems the breaks..

[This message edited by Vomitousmass at 10:34 PM, December 10th (Thursday)]

The strange thing for me is she pursued me, not vice versa. I think she saw stability and someone who was safe.

I am going to go out on a limb here and just state something that was a factor for me.

I pursued my wife hard. For 8 years before we started dating. I was considered one of her best friends. My wife through the years I knew her, was very career oriented. Wanted to make a difference. Very self confident. Completely opposite of my mother and I wanted that in my life. I wanted to be her. I admired her and loved her for her. However, I was damaged by choice (FOO having an influence but you still have a choice to make that part of your character) on how I valued people. Took love. Things were great in the beginning for me. I had her undivided attention when we started dating and before our kids were born. I felt tons of validation that I won her. She was very good giver and nurturer. I didn't have to do much in return but respect her and allow her to be herself. Afterall, she was so independent and self confident. I really only had to stay faithful. When the kids were born, I became jealous of them. Wanted that undivided attention. Began to feel unworthy of her. Began to need validation because I got validation by people needing me and acts of service. A KISA from the get go because of my mother. Married someone unlike my mother but still needed someone like my mother to make me feel worthy. Unhealthy and unrealistic. My APs were mirror images of my mother. I saw my wife as someone that was safe and out of my league and the whole thing. I bet your wife loved you for who you were. When things are great for her. The moment depression and that hole is filled by you, you just weren't enough. No one could be enough. She had to fill her own hole. She chose to fix it the only way she knew how. By being wanted and chased because at this point she has taken you for granted. Taken advantage of that. Banked on what she probably thought was unconditional love and valued you more like an object then like a human being she once loved for who you were. She put on her KISA outfit to get built up because she didn't have to do that with you because she wanted the validation. She chose to act like a child because she probably does have the mental emotional capacity of a child. Still her choice. So, FOO is not an excuse. It is a reason. A reason she needs to know in order to fix it and become safe.

Another thing that might have happened. In order for me to justify the affair while I was having it. I put my wife into a parent role. Hell, I even went on talking about my APs in front of her while the affair was secret like some love sick puppy telling their parent about this great girl I met at lunch in school. Made it easier to cheat on her if I see her as the warden or parent.

From this BS perspective, I think Zug and Steady are spot on with their assessments.

To add I heard:

1) You didn't love me any more

2) We were stale

3) You are vanilla

I called BS on all three....

[This message edited by Vomitousmass at 10:30 PM, December 10th (Thursday)]

Didn’t you know?

I’m too hard driving

I ‘m too black and white

He thought our marriage was over

I have no clue how banging a skank fixed any of that

[This message edited by getbusyliving at 8:29 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]

The ideas in this thread have been discussed many times before, but it's still a good thread.

Some thoughts:

1. If you are good with "I cheated because I wanted to" and that's it, it must be because you are not trying to reconcile an M? Then fine. It is, of course, true. But a WS better figure out why they wanted to if they hope to become a safe and trustworthy partner. The posters who mentioned low self-esteem, poor coping, depression, conflict avoidance are on the right track toward a WS who is actually learning how to change. You can't change what you haven't learned is true about yourself.

2. The original list (along with the reasons given by RideItOut's boasting, cheating buddies--lol, Rio--a joke not a dig) reflects the beliefs of WS who have done zero learning and introspection. WS obviously have no real knowledge of their motivations so fall back on superficial understandings of their actions. It's akin to eating an entire extra large pizza, box of cookies, 2 liter bottle of soda, and quart of ice cream "because I was hungry." You don't know why you do what you do until you start digging and digging into your thoughts, feelings and true motivations. It is tough and painful work, but the payoff is huge.

3. The one thing a WS does not want is a divorce because divorce carries a lot of baggage like change, stress, loneliness, financial disruption, etc. Why, why, why do BS wonder why the WS didn't divorce them first??? Divorce is hard!!!! And scary!!! Cheating is the selfish, easy, "no one gets hurt," immature response to pain. The WS wants to feel better about life, not worse! Of course they don't want a divorce. Marriage is a lot more than romance or love. We all know that.

4. It is very easy to believe your spouse does not love you and cheat (to feel better and keep your life status quo). It goes like this: the BS never has time for sex, criticizes the WS for not stepping up, becomes very practical about the marriage. The WS, not getting the attention that their immature self craves, believes they have the right to get it elsewhere. "She won't care. She hates me anyway." Yes, it's selfish. No, they do not want to mess up their lives with divorce. And yes, they really do feel their BS hates them and there's nothing they can do to change it.

5. Powerlessness is a common WS feeling. "Poor me, I can't fix my life." And powerlessness is a dysfunctional feeling that allows unhealthy coping to creep in. If you can't see a path for change, you spiral into very bad choices instead. If a WS had the know-how to do better, they would have done better.

Carry on . . .

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 4:20 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)]

[This message edited by Vomitousmass at 10:36 PM, December 10th (Thursday)]

. It's akin to eating an entire extra large pizza, box of cookies, 2 liter bottle of soda, and quart of ice cream "because I was hungry." You don't know why you do what you do until you start digging and digging into your thoughts, feelings and true motivations. It is tough and painful work, but the payoff is huge.

In some situations, I'm sure that's true. But, you must realize, in other situations, for your example above, it really is as simple as "I was just hungry" or "I lack self-control". Sure, you can keep reducing it until it becomes a FOO issue or something "deeper", but, is that really what it is? There's a poster who very often said the reason for an A is simple and always the same "Because I wanted to". And there's no arguing that logic, but, at the same time, I understand why you want to seek deeper meaning, that answer (although always true) is also not very helpful. But I feel that getting overly reductive can eventually lead you to conclusions that don't really relate to the issue anymore.

I truly feel, having seen and known plenty of cheating men, that the answer for those that I know is much more straight forward than is often presented here. Using the food analogy, "I was hungry, and I'm a pig who lacks self-control" is the deepest "reason" for pigging out on the ice cream and potato chips. Yes, I realize that you can go far deeper, but is that really getting closer to the truth, or is it avoiding the unpleasant reality by covering it with "deeper reasons".

Everyone seems to want to point to some external or internal "FOO" type issue for their problems. And I understand the appeal, it makes it less about your bad behavior and more about your unfortunate lot in life. I'm fat because I have a under-active thyroid sounds a lot better than "I'm fat because I eat too much, I'm lazy, and I don't exercise". And the 2nd is FAR more actionable, stop eating too much, being lazy and get some exercise! The first puts it outside of my personal control, and makes it more about my life circumstances than a personal failing.

It seems to me that under RIO's logic, all the CS has to do is stop "wanting" to cheat.

That strikes me as pretty weak and is certainly no basis upon which I could R.

I think that BOTH need to happen.

The CS must admit that, at the end of the day, they did "it" because

(a) they wanted to - AND

(b) they could - AND

(c) they DID NOT CARE about the consequences (and as to (c), I call bullshit on every CS that says they didn't THINK about or CONSIDER or [as my CH always says] didn't RECOGNIZE or FOCUS on the consequences. Sure they compartmentalized, but every one who cheats - and lies to cover it up - KNOWS deep down in their souls - that what they are doing is wrong and that IF they get caught, there WILL be consequences. Which is why they then rationalize with the age-old "I won't get caught". From his descriptions, my CH consciously compartmentalized - he would think about what he was doing, do it, feel guilty, tell himself he would never get caught, and then actively put the A into its box and avoid thinking about ANY of it. All of this is just a way of avoiding having to face the fact that they DO NOT CARE about their M or their BS or their family or all the folks harmed by the A - just bc you don't face it, doesn't mean it's not happening. But I digress).

In addition to those simple admissions (which I bet is pretty hard for most CS to swallow), they must then get to what got them to a place where they did it - the place where (a), (b), and (c) above all applied. Those are not "excuses" and maybe not even "reasons", but they are most certainly factors that must be discovered and challenged and FIXED in order to be safe partners for anyone (BS or someone new).

So - I ate the pizza because I'm lazy or whatever, may be an important discovery. But why? Why do I overeat? Why do I gamble? Why do I drink too excess? There are tons of research about these things - and any addiction (and I believe that having an A requires EVERY one of the character traits / behaviors that go into any addiction, starting with self deception or cognitive dissonance). Merely telling myself I ate the pizza bc I want to, or because I'm lazy will likely never stop me from eating another pizza. Figuring out that I have some serious flaws in my emotional health, reasoning, coping skills, etc. are all things that can be discovered, "owned", addressed, and even "healed" or fixed. "I want to" doesn't fall into that place, IMO.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 12:14 PM, August 28th, 2019 (Wednesday)]