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A friend of mine told me something that seemed to make sense. My wife has an inferiority complex really bad because she was picked on in school over her looks and never graduated high school . she dropped out in her last year because of the bullying. I on the other hand went to school for like 22 years, taking engineering and eventually getting my J.D degree. I basically took care of everything during our marriage. with him, he was a loser, ex druggie who lived with his mother and told my wife that she would have to pay if they went to a motel as he didn't have a credit card. I was told, that she probably like feeling superior over him and having him do whatever she wanted and all she had to do was give him sex.

Oh and by the way, I never made her feel inferior or commented on what she did or didn't do. I always encourage her to go back to school and be proud of who she is and not what she didn't do.

[This message edited by 99lawdog99 at 10:31 AM, January 20th (Wednesday)]

My wife has an inferiority complex

That seems to be the root "why" of a large percentage of affairs. However, explaining a thing is not the same as excusing it.

Don't you want what she had? An interlude of hot sex, as much as you'd like, for a time? Wouldn't that be like a drink of water to a person lost in the desert?

Butforthegrace

of course I would but I'm better than that. Wouldn't do what I am bitching about her doing.

What gets me is that, I have always tried to be adventurous in order to keep things fresh. She would always refuse. All I ever heard was, she wasn't that type.

Sounds like a common theme on this site.

Even with her affair, all she would say is that it was boring missionary sex, yet he was posting on face book how she would blow him and what a screamer she was. I quit asking for answers because she never gives them and it only starts a fight. I'm sick of it

.

Have you considered a poly? Has she done IC?

I guess this is my sentence that I have to live out til I die.

This is the part that I hate to hear. It really seems like there has to be other alternatives.

A friend of mine told me something that seemed to make sense. My wife has an inferiority complex really bad because she was picked on in school over her looks and never graduated high school . she dropped out in her last year because of the bullying.

I think your friend is probably right. I identify with that a lot. I always held my husband in higher regard than myself. He had a better family, he was older and more established. I have often thought many of the things in my life would not have happened if I hadn't married him. A lot of them are my own accomplishments, but I wouldn't have had the mentality that I learned by spending so much time with him. I respected him and looked up to him. At some point that became a burden and a resentment of my own creation.

My other question is you say that she says you are happy, she is happy, and together you are happy. What makes her think that?

The reason I ask is because I went on trying to reconcile for over 3 years and did my absolute best. Found out he'd been cheating for the last 18 months of that. Personally I think I would have just preferred honest communication.

It sounds like you have given her that and it's a hot topic that now you avoid. But, is it really serving you well for her to go around in her head thinking it's all good?

I remember you saying you had too much to lose in a divorce, so I understand why that's not your default go to move. But, it does seem like there are still possible options to move forward here, but that anger that is lying just beneath the service is doing nothing but growing.

I say all this not in defense of your wife. I say it in defense of you and your own happiness, which you do indeed deserve.

hikingout

you always have the best things to say and I really appreciate everything.

With her, it has always been out of sight , out of mind. in her mind, it's over, we don't talk about it so it didn't happen.

I know it's hard to understand but look at it this way, I am an attorney. With me everything I deal with has a logical base. I look at evidence and see what it produces. I try and base everything that happens on something. Her , she really is not that smart. I don't say that in a bad way, it's just she is a real simple person. That's why I took care of everything. She thinks because we do not talk about it , it's over. All she ever says is you have to move forward and cannot live in the past. My thoughts are that she destroyed the future with her past.

She basically has always been a person who does not like to deal with things that are bad. I have bailed her out financially a number of times and I would often ask her how did she sleep at night and she said she just didn't think about it.

But that's what I used to love about her, that innocence. but for some reason, she now feels she has to top me and often says that she is no longer that silent little girl I married. I tell her, that's who I want back. She says she is gone.

For some reason, even when I tell her how to do something, she gets mad. I tell her I'm only trying to help but she doesn't care. Now if someone else tells her the same thing she would listen to them and thank them .Me, she would yell at me.

I don't hate her but I know I do not feel the same way about her. Not sure she realizes that. she often gets mad when I joke about her n ot missing me when I die and it will give her a chance to find a younger guy. She really gets mad and says that she cannot believe I think she doesn't love me. I simply say what am I suppose to think. She gets mad, doesn't talk to me and in order to keep peace I have to say i don't think that and that I'm sorry.

I'm 60 years old and just trying to live out the remaining years without any more drama.

If she cheats again, I'm gone, no questions, no yelling, just gone. Don't care what happens even if I have to live in a box.

I told her once , the worst thing I could of done to her was let her go with him, she agreed.

BFTG, you are correct. It didn’t matter that much if she enjoyed it. It was the fact that she did what she did in such a disrespectful manner.

It's almost like she is trying ot dull herself up as she doesn't trust herself

99 lawdog the same thing went on for me. She was always in great shape, and she ratcheted it up even further during the affair. She was working out and grooming herself like never before. After the affair she let herself go. It was a WW here who pointed out to me that it was probably a form of self protection. I think she felt her looks got her into the mess, so by not putting her beauty out there she would stave off any undo attention. Not that I was really concerned of another affair.

I’m sure that having your spouse telling you what a piece of crap you are also isn’t great for self esteem.

I feel for you. Do you think if she felt like you could leave would wake her up? She sounds pretty helpless and life without you not getting things done for her can’t be an enticing scenario for her.

Instead of joking about you dying and her going off with another guy, the conversation should be you leaving her and finding a younger woman, or even an older one that takes care of themselves and strives to look nice and treats you well.

I can tell you at 60 there are plenty of quality women that would treat you way better than you are being treated now.

I know you don’t want Drama, but do you want to spend the next 30 years with what you have now?

I just read a in post today where it used this example,

my WW had a PA for one and a half years. Though I should

not feel bad because the sex was not good.

Whether the sex was better or bad seems not important.

What is that a WW shared her body with the OM.

If the BH wants to recover his marriage he has to let go that his

WW shared her body.

I think the BH gets hung up on how good the sex the WW had

with her OM is because the BH wants to know how bad the

damage was done by his WW PA. If the sex was just as good

or worse as what the WW and BH had it gives the BH

something to lick his wounds with.

Second reason to know the details of the sex WW had with

the OM is to see if WW gave OM more than she ever gave

her BH. If not then the BH again gets something to lick his

wounds with.

Oldtruck, this issue comes up from time to time and - speaking in generalities here - I think it's especially common for it to be a big area of angst for BH.

The way I look at it is this: you rightly laid out the three questions/answers in your initial post - better, worse, different. And the WS really can't win for the reasons that were also laid out: Callous, lie, sounds like it might have been better!

And we are never going to know the truth of it. So for me, once we have the factual information about the sex (when, where, how often, etc) we have to let 'performance' go. Because there is no genuine resolution.

What I would say is that we tend to look at the AP and confidently say, this guy is not better looking than me, he has a worse job, he has a poor reputation and obviously, because he is an AP, he is an arsehole. So we don't have any problem seeing ourselves as above this person.

But then when we get to the bedroom we turn this same loser into an 8-inch monster dong pornstar who can deliver elite athletic sex all night. Clearly, that's our paranoia and hurt talking, which is understandable. But we need to take a step back and appreciate that those super-stud assumptions are not logical.

My WS went for 'better'. I have no idea if that is true but I felt like it was the one crumb of comfort she could give me and for my own sanity I chose to believe it. And that's what I would advise other men to do, for themselves.

Of course I am an elite level pornstar, so it helps with my self-esteem. Hm, sorry that last bit's not strictly true!

The better/worse/different thing is a rathole, for sure. You can spend your life down there.

What fundamentally bothers me is that someone else out there knows something about my wife and has seen my wife in ways that only I should know and see. And not just her hairdresser or her friends, who know things I'll likely never know. It's another man.

Neither of us were virgins coming in, yet her previous partners don't bother me at all. I can't be bothered to think about them. I've tried, as an experiment. My mind wanders away. The thought is not emotionally engaging. But her AP? That is.

You've been heard, oldtruck.

What fundamentally bothers me is that someone else out there knows something about my wife and has seen my wife in ways that only I should know and see. And not just her hairdresser or her friends, who know things I'll likely never know. It's another man.

Hey man, this is the thing that bugs me the most.

Four AP's later, my spouse was obviously searching for something. I don't think the sex was better.

But the excitementof being able to get up to mischief without any consequences, that high must just be so frigging awesome.

And she had lots of that excitement.

Didnt help that for the duration of the A' I was sidelined (starved of sex...)

We have been empty nesters the last 10 years now.

Who cares what they got up to....

What we do now is fantastic (when my head doesn't get in the way and mess it up..)

Pretty dam exciting if I say so myself

Time to make up for lost ground maybe?

I agree that there are a small handful of WS on this site that say sex with their BS was better than sex with their AP but it should be in the dozens or hundreds considering there have been 77,ooo+ people who signed up for this site.

Username, where are you getting these statistics from? I really think you have this completely backwards.

As long as I’ve been here, this conversation pops up regularly and despite the pages and pages of members attempting to explain it, there are just some unwilling to accept that sex with an AP can be less than mind blowing.

This is far from a black and white topic. There are so many nuances to the topic. Those nuances can make or break how we heal and recover. If you (general term) are unwilling to hear and/or explore them then you will hit a virtual wall. You will have to be willing to hear your WS and you will have to be willing to look deep inside at your own insecurities. There will typically be an aspect of your WS’s affair that will hit the hardest. It’s not the same for all BS’s. I know it’s unfair for the BS to have to address their own insecurities, however after over a decade of membership here, those members that do are the most successful in recovery.

At one point in our lives, we lived in the then sex capital of the world. Sex was very easy to rent, and the high end brothels were supposed to be out of this world - and within easy financial reach even for ex-pat students.

The only reason I'd cheat is for mind-blowing sex. It was supposedly available ... but ... I just don't believe mind-blowing sex is all that easy to achieve.

Suppose I hooked up with a married ap who wanted good sex. Well, if she wasn't getting good sex at home, isn't it likely that she isn't doing good sex? And if she isn't doing good sex in her M, how smart is it to expect good sex outside of M?

As a BS, it just seemed vanishingly unlikely to me that my W was lying when she said the first few times were great, that sex became a chore, that the sex was more like mutual masturbation than sex between 2 people.

I know sex isn't logical, but I'm pretty well convinced that anyone who thinks they cheat for sex is not thinking straight.

Human beings have a lot of ability to distinguish between truth and fiction. Lots of techniques are documented on the web and easy to find and learn. If you don't believe your WS, I urge you to use your skills, pay for a poly if necessary, believe what you find, and act on that belief until you find you been fooled.

Continuing to obsess over something one can't know for certain is a waste of time and energy that only increases one's pain.

If you move on and keep getting evidence that the person you fear continues to be honest, you at least open yourself up to joy.

If you continue to obsess, you keep yourself in pain. And if you keep yourself in pain, the solution is to look at your commitment to keeping yourself in pain, not to keep obsessing about something you can never know for sure.

BTW, I saw in a House Hunters International that the area where the high-end brothels were is now a desirable residential neighborhood. I think there's a lesson in that, though I'm not sure what it is.

99,

But , again, I bite my tongue.

Why??? My God why!?!?

I guess this is my sentence that I have to live out till I die.

No, no it's not.

Why?

Picture this, you come across an individual who speaks no English and you have to somehow convince them that they are wrong and you are right about anything. That's what arguing with my wife is like. Every single time I try to bring anything up about anything, the very first words out of her mouth is, "well what about you when you did this or this happened" about anything, not even talking about her affair. My response usually is we are not talking about that and if I did something that bothered you , you should have brought it up then, but nope, she just keeps going. It's like arguing with an robot. It just isn't worth it.

And yes, this is my sentence. What's my other choice, lose everything I have and start over at 60? no thank you. Because I know exactly what will happen. She will once again, take an interest in her looks and she would get picked up as arm candy for some rich old guy in a minute and live her perfect life. When I say my wife is a looker, I mean it. She is a 15 on a bad day, even with the weight she gained. She has only gotten better looking as she got older. I'm telling you, before she recently gained weight, she was model like. 5 foot 7, blood hair, 36 DD breast with about a 23 inch waist. You couldn't imagine how she was stared at whenever we went any where. I have literally seen other women hit the guys they were with for the way they stared at her. I've had guys hit on her right in front of me. I use to feel I was the luckiest guy in the world, now, I simply do not care.

[This message edited by 99lawdog99 at 10:40 AM, January 21st (Thursday)]

If she cheats again, I'm gone, no questions, no yelling, just gone. Don't care what happens even if I have to live in a box.

Based on what you've said, why would you be done? You are already in a miserable relationship, she's already cheated, and you stay. Why's another affair going to matter? I don't mean that in a flippant way, more from a logical perspective.

It doesn't sound like she changed for the better, so my question is. Why wait for the next affair?

Neanderthal

because as of now, I still care about trying to keep most of what I worked 60 years for. If it happens again, I go scortched earth. I'll live in the street but I'll make sure there is nothing left for anyone. And I don't mean that in a violent way. you don't pay your taxes, they take your house, you don't pay your utilities, they get turned off, don't pay the car, it gets repossessed, etc. etc.. no work, no money, no assets. very simple.

[This message edited by 99lawdog99 at 2:02 PM, January 21st (Thursday)]

Because I know exactly what will happen. She will once again, take an interest in her looks and she would get picked up as arm candy for some rich old guy in a minute and live her perfect life.

Then she is not as "simple" a person as you portray, quite the opposite I think...

What Does The WS Mean Sex Was Different

I think if people say they have a hard time understanding the concept of sex being somewhat different with different partners, they might be deliberately being a bit obtuse. Sure, the basic mechanics are the same, but certainly it’s not completely “the same” in every way with every single sexual partner. I think everyone who has had more than one sexual partner in their life kind of knows that.

Now, if the BS would like their WS to elaborate on the ways it was different, certainly they can ask their WS that. That would probably provide more useful information, I suppose, depending on what the BS is looking for.

Sure, the basic mechanics are the same, but certainly it’s not completely “the same” in every way with every single sexual partner. I think everyone who has had more than one sexual partner in their life kind of knows that.

I think this is definitely true. But I think the original thought was if the use of the word different was code or a way to soften the fact that it might have been better. I pushed my EX on this and she never, probably due to self preservation, admitted it was better. I think any BS trying to find out will never get the truth from a WS that wants to reconcile.

I will say that since my divorce I have had a lot of partners, and to your point DS they were different. Some were way better than others.

I’m not sure that this will make a BS feel better, but I can say almost universally the first time with any of these partners were not nearly as good as I had with my WS. The first time is exciting, but still kind of awkward. Any BS whose WS had a ONS probably doesn’t have to worry about the sex being better.

I have said it before, if my EX slept with him one time she wouldn’t be my EX. If the WS goes back time and again, the sex is most likely pretty good. I understand ego kibbles are part of it, but who risks a good marriage by having sex that sucks?

As to an emotional component, that can make sex special, but even without it, it still can be damn good. Many of my partners since the divorce I had no emotional ties to. They were younger and wanted a guy to take them to great places. I wanted to have sex with them. It was a good deal for both of us, and after a few times the sex was mind blowing. Again, no feelings at all.

Good sex with the AP is different, bad sex with the AP is different. I still think however a BS in R will never know which their WS had

waitedwaytoolong,

You post was excellent.

I also agree the WS will never tell their BS the sex was better with the AP if they want to reconcile. It leaves the BS in a terrible position even if they heal their feelings of inadequacy they will never know if their spouse had better sex with them or their AP during their marriage.

Did the possibly of your WW having better sex with her AP decrease the quality of your sex life with your WW after Dday ?

Did the possibly of your WW having better sex with her AP have any influence on getting a divorce ?

If your WW told you that she did have better sex with her AP than you could you have stayed married ? Could you ever have enjoyed sex again with her ?

[This message edited by Username123 at 8:51 PM, January 21st (Thursday)]