SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you for all your advice. I am going to talk to my H about it further. I think I shouldbe involved in the visitations and I think we should have some legal documentation as to what that visitation is and how much he pays her etc... but he is so afraid (and me too) of having to pay her more but maybe that legal separation on our part even though we aren't going to actually separate will work. we have consulted with an attoney but we are giong to talk to a different on very soon. so maybe she can give us some ideas on how to handle things. maybe mediation is a possibility, i dunno. he is going to her firt birthday party on Sunday. I know I am going to be a mess that day adn so far i have yet to find anyone to hang out with to try to keep my mind of things. (i'm not invited as you can guess).

Would it make you feel better if YOU selected and wrapped the birthday gift? That way you have some hand in at least one little aspect of this child's life. Something that's for her not OW. And OW can't do anything about it and won't know who selected/wrapped it, either (H can always lie about that; after all he has experience lying to OW).

great suggestion greengirl...R is tough and even that much harder with an OC. i think as BS sometimes we just want to know that we can maintain some level of control in what is happening around us. it is bad enough we have gotten the short end of the stick and still be willing to R, but not to still have the relationship w/ OC out of our hands too woud be too much to handle. WS was seeing his OC once a week for a couple of hours and occasionally keeping him overnight. i travel a lot of my job and so we maybe moving the visitations to only the weeks i'll be in town so that the only time he sees the OC is when I am there and we would do it together. he just told the OW today and she didnt say anything (p.s. the OC was from a ONS so there is no real relationship btwn FWS and OW). looking at the positives, i dont think she is looking to "steal my man" and she couldn't really use the OC as a pawn b/c FWS would NOT fight her for more time or for custody...so we'll wait and see what happens. it still sucks...

oh yeah...i started my 1st IC session today...he will be going to IC and we will both do MC...wish us luck everyone...hope today is a better day for some of you...

on another note...its been an up and down day. its great that he is willing to go to MC/IC and that he told her about only seeing the OC when I am available...and i do honestly truly think that he is doing everything he can to make things better. but what do i do...he took some new pictures and started to send them around to his family and friends...and it bugs the living crap out of me...the baby is very cute..i won't deny it. so i thought, well maybe i'll just put up a online web journal and post up pictures myself...so that if he darn friends and family are so curious they can see it themselves and i have know about it..versus him sending it to them almost secretly. am i hurt b/c it feels like he's almost secretly proud that his son is so cute? i dont know. i guess if this was my brother that had an OC i suppose i too would want to see pictures...let me know what you guys think...i'm going crazy... :(

cheers...

[This message edited by crazedNconfused at 3:31 PM, July 27th (Thursday)]

CnC, I would feel the same way hon. I don't know if I would resent his being proud. It is his baby after all. But that fact that it is not my perogative to be the one sending out the pics. That this child exists because of something so painful and horrible to me, and yet there's no shame in the connection. It's now a fun and wonderful part of his life. I know that sounds archaic but we are still taught that a child should not be born out of wedlock for all the PC stuff and liberal talk we bandy about. We can talk the talk but most of us don't really walk the walk. So it is a weird situation. I made no sense did I?

As to the OC rules, I really liked the idea of the pseudo separation but wont that entail actually moving out of the house? And if we "reconcile" after the CS judgment, won't it be found out and won't we be taken back to rework the settlement?

Ladies...a quick poll if you will...who has had OC proven to be H's via a DNA test already and who's just assuming the OC is H's?

In my case, my H will take a DNA test by 8/11 and we'll know shortly after. Until then, he's admitting nothing in court. If it's proven, the battle lines will be changed...

"As to the OC rules, I really liked the idea of the pseudo separation but wont that entail actually moving out of the house? And if we "reconcile" after the CS judgment, won't it be found out and won't we be taken back to rework the settlement?"

It depends on your situation. Most people just have the H have his mail go to a different address and he changes his address on his license. In most states a legal separation is much like a divorce except that you're still married so even if you move back in together the separation and the child support orders are still binding.

In my situation the OC has been proven thru DNA to be my H. It didn't matter I knew it was his b/c prior to that she had gotton pregnant early on in the affair but had an abortion because she wasn't sure it was his but the second time she told him I am keeping this one because I am positive it is yours, and she was right. So who is the innocent child here, her OC or my two children whose whole life has been turned upside down? I am focusing my efforts on myself and my children, getting us healthy mentally and physically.

At this stage, I'm doubting she is even pregnant to tell you the truth. May be my wishful thinking but so much just doesn't jibe. We don't know and won't know until paternity is proven so it's just really an obsession more than fact for me right now.

Thanks Me&My3, I'll see if I can't talk to a lawyer on it.

Overdone, to me all the children are innocent. In my situation (where she says she is due in December 06 and I am due in February 07) I intend to focus solely on my marriage and my baby. While it kills me that she will technically be the first to have HIS child, I will be the one having OUR first child.

Yes, in our case, paternity has been proven through DNA testing.

In our case, H feels child is OW's responsibility to raise.

[This message edited by twokidsmomny at 8:45 AM, July 30th (Sunday)]

The OW is pregnant. My husband is unsure if the child is his but he was with her on 11/30 (only once) and she is due the end of August. So it is possible. She had an u/s the week before Christmas and it dated her at 7 weeks. She was also with her boyfriend at the time.

He is unsure of her actual due date. I am obsessed by it. I want to contact her and find out if his story is true. It would be easier to deal with the EA if the OC was not involved.

He will have a paternity test as soon as the baby is born. He called her and ceased contact with her via the phone. She is only to contact him when the child is born.

I am trying to concentrate on the EA now until the OC is born but it is so hard.

Kristine,

Hang in there; you have found the right place to post. The OC thread has lots of people experiencing what you are now. I read your thread in JFO. Stay here, as I think you will find the OC thread more helpful; we have walked in your moccasins so to speak.

I read your posts in the JFO thread. I got out of that thread ASAP after locating this one.Stay positive; many people have had multiple "D-Days" in SI, but that doesn't mean you will. Your H sounds like he may want to do the right thing. Give BOTH of yourselves the time to sort this out. It will be one hell of a ride, but you *can* survive.

Going NC until the baby is born is a great way to start, even if it did take some encouragement for him to do it. I agree that H should start getting his hair cut somewhere else! That (keeping her as his haircutter) above all else would make me question his sincerity. Also, keep in mind that a home paternity kit may not be admissible in court as proof of parentage. Usually it has to be court ordered and administered/witnessed. Don't get ahead of yourself; read this thread. There is a lot of good advice in here for how to act, and when to act, both legally and relationship-wise. It's hard, but try to be patient; rushing or forcing the issue (for understandable resolution) may not always be the best course of action.

Take a deep breath...breathe....do it again.

Keep posting, we're here for you.

[This message edited by BeeTrayed at 12:09 PM, July 30th (Sunday)]

BeeTrayed-

Thank you so much for responding. We have our first counseling session together this week. I am unsure if I want him to go since the last time I went (the day after D-Day) I was not aware of the OC.

She has not tried to make him a part of the pregnancy. She has not talked about going to court. I thought if we did the home paternity test then we would know what is ahead of us and find out the result quicker.

I have not spoken to the OW but would like to contact her to ask her a few questions that I think she would know better than my husband. I want to do this for myself. I thought of text messaging her so she could call me instead of feeling like I am harrassing her. What do you think?

[This message edited by Kristine at 12:49 PM, July 30th (Sunday)]

K,

Generally speaking, I think most people advise against contacting the OW, with the reason being the OWs are not to be trusted, in general, and therefore you could be putting yourself at more risk for hurt/upsetment.We ALL recognize the reasons for wanting to do so, but think long and hard before you do. Best advice? Don't do anything you may regret later. You are raw right now and your judgement may not be too good (with good reason).

As for counseling....go. Especially if H is willing, as that is a good sign also. Keep in mind though that you must BOTH be comfortable with the process, and there are good and bad counselors out there. Take the time to find the one that best meets both your needs. You may get lucky and have it be the first one, but be open to the possibility that it may take a few attempts before you do.

My H and I took a relationship course that, though expensive, I really believe has helped us to communicate through a very difficult time. I think it is SO important, in fact, that I intend to offer it as a wedding present to my sons when the time comes and if they and their significant other are willing. I wish we'd had this workshop available to us 31 years ago! That is how worthwhile I think it is.

www.rickbrown.org FMI

Keep youy chin up Kristine. You sound strong and sensible. You can get through this, but I'd be lying if I told you it was going to be easy. Go into the Healing Library and read the article on post traumatic stress syndrome. Boy, did I see myself there! Chances are you will too, but it will give you some insight into what you are experiencing, and knowledge that it is all normal and a process you will have to work through in your own time and at your own pace. Give yourself that time, and follow your heart.

Keep posting.

(((Kristine)))

[This message edited by BeeTrayed at 1:18 PM, July 30th (Sunday)]

BeeTrayed-

Thank you so much. If I decide to contact her, I hae a specific list of questions regarding the night she was with him and the baby. I am obsessed with this baby. I have put my baby aside. I need to know if it really was this one time and if she thinks tha baby is his. I am hoping she will be sensible since she her child is at stake here.

I am trying so hard to get through this day by day. I think about it as soon as my head is off the pillow (when I sleep) and it comtinues until I am asleep at night. I am consumed by this.

Hi Kristine! I wish you didn't need this thread. But I'm glad you found it. THe ladies here have really helped me put so much in perspective! I hope they help you find answers and that you also find healing and comfort.

{{{hugs}}}

iknowiamnotalone-

Thanks. I am hoping I can find some help. The support is wonderful.

K,

You have a 24/7 tape rolling in your head. I know, mine is still pretty active also, seven months later. There are meds to help that, but your pregnancy would undoubtably be an obstacle to using some/most (?) of them. Quite a few pregnant ladies here in this thread though have soldiered on w/out the help of "better living through chemistry", so you will find your balance too, I suspect.

Take care of yourself and unborn child; get as much rest as possible and eat right, etc. I think the PM portion of Tylenol that you can buy over the counter is helpful. I find it helps me sleep through the night (whether it is related to my H's A thoughts or due to "getting to be an old fart" issues).

As for contacting OW, I think a text message or email may be better if you are hellbent on doing it. It gives you time to absorb what you may learn w/out being thrown off balance by any new revelations, and having to maintain some semblance of "normalcy" during a phone conversation. Would writing a letter and leaving it at her place of employment be an option? It could be non-threatening for both you and the OW and would give her a chance to reflect before responding (if OWs do that....using their reflective brain matter rather than their reactive brain matter). I think that would be the way I'd do it, if you feel you have to.

I especially think this may be the best approach due to the fact that your intention is to get reasonable answers (that you feel you need) and not to "attack" OW.

Think about it...a few days, before you act.

Take care

[This message edited by BeeTrayed at 2:03 PM, July 30th (Sunday)]

BeeTrayed-

I am worried that if I send her aletter (I have thought about it) with all of my questions she may have a chance to fabricate things.

If I text message her, she can call me back on her own accord knowing I have questions but not knowing the specifics. If she is willing to answer them, the answers will be more 'off the cuff'.

Unfortunately, there is no email address. My husband is not all that computer literate.

I will think about it for a few days. If I do it I will tell him I reached out to her. I will not ask his opionion of it or his permission. I am prepared for the fact that she may lie. I do know she has not told anyone that they were together. Perhaps she is ashamed too.

[This message edited by Kristine at 2:31 PM, July 30th (Sunday)]

K,

Sounds like you have formulated a plan. That's good...less chance for surprises. Stick to it, and read from your "script".

Good luck, if you decide to do it.

BeeTrayed-

Now I just have to figure out if I have the courage to do it.