SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Dan,

Your wife wanted the affair. It did not just happen. She encouraged it.

The text you found where he wanted to see her out of the scrubs and her response was "in other clothes or naked" was her giving him the green light that she was receptive to his attention and an implied promise that he would eventually get her naked.

You are correct that she was dating OM.

Bottom line is that she wanted and encouraged his advances and was willing to get physical with him from the start.

I'm not suggesting to "give her a pass." I'm suggesting that Dan has many years of building a family with her and in respect of that he ought to at least speak with her about the direction their relationship is now moving, at least in his heart. A lot of unilateral activity here; very little interaction. The details so far suggest that she was moving toward a sexual encounter with this guy, whether she thinks so or not. We only know what posters tell us, but based on that, the evidence suggests Dan nipped it in the bud, and also that this may be an aberration for her. Among other things, he noticed the change in her demeanor -- suggesting (a) she's not good at lying, and (b) her behavior here was different than any prior time (meaning it hasn't happened before).

WTH? Where did you get that? That absolutely is not true. In fact, just the opposite. From Psychology Today:

Women with high testosterone levels describe themselves as being action-oriented, resourceful and powerful. Research shows that high-testosterone women are more competitive and more aggressive.

His wife didn't cheat because of hormones. She cheated because she is broken, has no apparent boundaries, and because....quite simply, she is a cheater.

I'm sorry but unless you can point to some factual information, please don't say things like that.

Women began losing estrogen and in their 40s it begins to drop fairly quickly. That’s when the small amount of testosterone in a woman’s body makes her more assertive.

Dan I just wanted to say you're doing great. I don't know if you've noticed the top right corner of the screen but there are over 69k of us on this site who know what you're going through. We've all had our version of this nightmare. You're doing the right things.

At some point you're going to want to get yourself into counseling to learn how to deal with all the emotions you'll soon experience. Infidelity is a huge trauma that most people don't understand until they live it. I know I didn't before my Dday.

I would not respond to the text.

You might receive a follow up text and figure out who sent it. It could be a concerned former co-worker, or it could be the OM using someone else's phone to try to contact her.

In any case, right now the focus needs to be on you and your daughters. Eventually you will have to have a discussion with your wife, but I'd wait until things cool off a bit, and you are able to gather more evidence from her phone.

If necessary, meet with your MD for some temporary medications to at least help you sleep. You've just boarded this emotional roller coaster, it's going to be a long and bumpy ride, so do your best to take care of your health. Your girls need a healthy dad.

Your emotions are going to be all over the place, sad, angry, raging, depressed, shock, allow yourself to feel all of it. It is very, very normal. Seek IC for yourself and probably your daughters as well.

IMO I don't believe the hormones excuse, all women go through the same thing, most don't cheat.

You will recover from this trauma, your marriage may or may not, but you will. One baby step at a time, don't get ahead of yourself.

The hormone thing doesn’t wash with me. Both estrogen and testosterone are necessary for, and affect increases or decreases of, sexual desire. At age 45, estrogen and testosterone are sharply declining in a woman. They are both declining at similar rates and paces. It is not about which hormone is in a “position of power” (i.e., at some temporary period of time at a particular pinpointed age). Both of these hormones are declining, which results in less sexual desire period.

Note that the scientific studies i found that posit hormone levels affect adultery were conducted on women who are much younger than 45 years old (30ish or younger). At age 45, essentially, all the hormones in a woman’s arsenal are decreasing.

Well, I read the apology letter first. It was hand written and in it she basically says that this was the biggest mistake of her life and that she would spend the rest of her life proving to me that I am the only man she has ever imagined growing old with.

Then she goes off on some BS (bullshit or blame shifting. your choice) about how she has always feared that I would leave her and how I am too good for her.

The timeline is hard to read.

[This message edited by DaninOH at 3:14 PM, December 17th (Monday)]

Does the girl's name match anyone in her contact list?

Dan

If I were in her shoes I would be itching to do the work and prove myself to my family. I couldn’t live with not doing anything.

I am not saying you have a remorseful WW yet, but these are first steps to take to apologize and show she wants to do the work.

I was half betting she’s leave dinner on the counter too.

Every journey needs a first step. I believe she’s trying to take hers. The resignation, probably apology letters, cleaning the house.

This is the start of a 1000 mile journey on foot for her with 100 lb weights on her back. Many can’t make it successfully and find a way to Reconciliation. But I do expect her to try.

Dan, keep on the path you are on. When you are ready to talk with her I will be very surprised if she doesn’t take your lead.

The girls name is in the contact list. I have never heard her mentioned. Could be an Italian guy for all I know.

Stevesn, these are not the first steps but just her reaction to Dan's requirements for her to come back. She is trying to conform and get back, to fix this cancer with a pain killer

Deleted the post because I didn't know the text was from an existing contact.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 3:28 PM, December 17th (Monday)]

The "are you ok" new "girl" could be a co-worker who knew about the A and knows what happened or it could be another guy she was communicating with, don't give her the new phone yet as she will start to give everybody her new phone and the flow of texts to the old one will stop, when you see your WW ask who this person is and how much "she" knew about the A, if necessary (like you did before), have your WW call her on speaker and talk to her to see if the other "girl" is really a girl or if some more info from the girl comes up during the convo, that means the office gossip has spread like wildfire.

Read the letter she sent you and ask the girls what she said to them to learn more of her state of mind and to see if she's suicidal and basically to see if she has more info for you, give us a summary of them so that we can offer you the best collective advice possible depending on the info you provide. As for the VAR play with it, learn how to use it, test it in your own car first, you may also call her and tell her you want to discuss the letter and to pick you up, use this opportunity to hide the VAR with some velcro under her seat, then in a couple of days have her pick you up again to talk some more and retrieve the VAR or just go to your BIL's saying you want to thank him for his support, if you have another key to her car then retrive the VAR then, of course if you allow her back in the house, this would be easier but it's up to you.

Funny how that works.

She says she always feared you would leave her then she knowingly does what is probably the one thing that will almost insure the destruction of your marriage.

I never post on here, been lurking for a long time.

I feel compelled to add a comment.

I was married to a woman for decades before i found out that what she presented herself as to me was not really who she really was/is.

She is an ex-wife now, and I've remarried.

However, it took me a long and painful 32 years to get to the point of dumping her. Whatever her issues are, mine prevented me from understanding what i faced and self-destructively not believing it possible--based on her "Susie Creamcheese" persona she presented to me and the world.

It turns out that what she had presented as a one-time thing years ago, and me sucking that up and "working on the marriage" was in reality an on-going affair of a decade.

And, she had other liaisons, both during the marriage and during our engagement.

She gave me an HPV-based cancer as a result of her cheating (google Michael Douglas and HPV).

I believe there are some women, note that I said "some", that get off on having a good man to screw around on. It's a twisted power trip on their part. It's not fun to live an honorable life. Oh, they want the world to think they are an honorable person, but they do not want to live that way.

My ex-wife is one of these broken people.

It's been five years and I remarried. However, her cheating is the gift that keeps on giving. I hav e been in treatment for stage 4 cancer for the last couple of years because of still un-admitted to cheating many years ago that got her infected with HPV and passed it to me.

In my nightmare, I may have passed it to my new wife. So that has impacted my current marriage significantly.

Of course, the ex-wife has no symptoms but she was my only partner since the late 70s. She brought it to the party.

What I have to say to you, besides my rambling, is that the OP is doing really well. On the right path.

I cannot stress too much that you and your wife BOTH get tested for every flippin STD that you can and you get the results directly from the health provider, no filtering by her.

And if it were me? I'd avoid future pain from this cheater and divorce her. Don't do the slow death routine that I did.

[This message edited by michzz at 3:33 PM, December 17th (Monday)]

How specific was the apology.

Did she refer to inappropriate texting and kissing and setting up a date at the xmas party?

Did she acknowledge lying to you?

Did she acknowledge hurting you and the kids?

I agree with Stevesn that these are the first steps. Yes, these are requirements from Dan but how many WSs we've seen here would not even do that? How many we've seen show no emotion, no regret, no remorse, fully blaming the BS for every ill of the marriage? We see those stories all the time. I am not telling Dan not to D. He has every right too. She broke his heart, his trust, and dropped a huge bomb in his and his DDs lives. But seems to be willing to take those steps. We have to remember that she is new to all of this too. She dropped this bomb and now she does not know how to make it right. She does not know what to do. She did not think of the consequences. Now she is facing them. She has a husband and two daughters angry at her and rightly so. I suggest that Dan talk to her so there will be communication on what is going on in both of their lives. And her deplorable actions do affect her life as well as her families.

It started off on Monday the 3rd when he was training her on the new software. He were only together for about 40 minutes, but he was telling her how he had done work there last year and how some his favorite restaurants are in our town.

She says that she was surprised that he had such interest in her, asking her questions and complimenting her. She thought he was just being nice but then he came back to her station on Tuesday morning and asked her to go to one of the Thai places they had talked about.

She agreed, knowing that it was wrong and gave him her number to text her when it was time to meet. They ate lunch and he continued to compliment her in his accent and while driving back to work, he reached over and placed his hand over hers.

She said it felt exciting and nauseating all at the same time. When they arrived back they exited the car as if nothing had happened, but she knew that she had just crossed a boundary.

Check the new "girl" with the phone records to see if she's been in contact with "her" during the time of the A, it could be an enabler and OM is using her phone to get in touch with your WW.

Did you find something new in the timeline ? What were the highlights ? do you feel she's being more honest or is she still trying to minimize the whole thing?

Also make sure she KNOWS her A was not a "mistake", a mistake is when you take a wrong turn on the highway without intending to do it, she WILLINGLY made hundreds and maybe thousands of CONSCIOUS DECISIONS to carry out her HUGE betrayal and it would still be ongoing now had you not stop it in its tracks at the party, make sure that in no uncertain terms she accepts this and not call it a "mistake" but her huge intended betrayal that it was/is.

She has now spoken to both of our daughters and they are starting to show sympathy for her. She told the oldest that she made a terrible mistake and "got too close to a co-worker". She didn't mention how close.