SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well, GR, what can a BS do if one's WS is unremorseful and if the BS is going to heal?

You mourn the relationship and then you move on. OP isn't a robot.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 8:03 AM, July 10th (Friday)]

I will not tell you that CoD people always think the other person is the problem and cause of their unhappiness and cannot see their own role.

I thought that maybe I was CoD, but I always would think "what am I doing to cause him to feel this way?" I do tend to place the blame on STBX for my misery. Trying to work my way out of that one. It is on me that I have stayed so long in my situation so yes in that respect I was a detriment to myself. I have had a lot of fear over ending the M. Still do. It takes all of me just to keep moving forward.

achilles1101 are you seeing an IC? It does really help. I am so sorry you are in pain really wish we all didn't have to experience this.

I don't really care if I am co d or not. I just want to know if I can fix this or not. Pretty simple. Sucks but that is where i am

[This message edited by achilles1101 at 2:01 AM, July 12th (Sunday)]

I just want to know if I can fix this or not.

Absolutely not. I can't answer it any plainer than that.

Sisoon often posts a few lines like this:

--WS works on and heals her/himself

--BS works on and heals him/herself

--WS and BS work together on healing the marriage

Or something like the above. Plagiarism isn't my forte.

But you need a remorseful spouse to do anything with the marriage. You don't have this. One of the biggest obstacles I had after my D-day was that I can NEVER have back what I once had. I was very happy in my marriage, and I had what I thought was a special marriage....one that others envy and strive for. But once infidelity hit, I couldn't move past this one FACT. No matter what I did from that point on, I couldn't get back what I wanted most---a marriage with my faithful wife.

Eventually, I had to accept that no matter how hard I screamed to the gods, pouted to myself, cried until the tears ran out, or tried to 'fix' my marriage, the ONLY thing that I could do for certain was to climb my way out of infidelity, or sit stuck in the middle of it. That's it---I can only change me.

Do you know how many betrayed spouses not only had their life turned upside down, but have partners that are borderline evil? Ones that take off, leaving the BS to not only in emotional destitution, but financial as well? How the hell do they heal from that?

Answer--painfully, and by themselves. That's it. No one else is going to do it.

So if you think that you are going to fix your marriage with what you currently have--forget it. Maybe your WW will come around; maybe not. The odds are that she won't, so it is definitely in your best interest to focus on yourself, and yourself only. The truth is, your marriage has the best chance for success if you follow this path.

Maybe your WW will come around; maybe not.

I feel like 80% of posters are stuck here, looking at a spouse who is somewhere less than remorseful enough and somewhere more than horrible. What's a BS to do?

I have lots of theories and ideas on this, but none of them apply to every situation. So then my advice to people is not to wait in misery forever. Give it a set deadline for things you want to actually see, and hold yourself to it. Most BS, I am sorry to say, accept too little. Have you heard of the book The Body Keeps the Score? Yep, this is what happens when you accept too little and carry the sadness and anger inside--mental and physical illness. Because the body keeps the score! It is not capable of just letting betrayal go. It can't.

If you do not get the minimum that you need:

She stops being defensive when I bring it up.

She changes jobs.

She initiates physical intimacy.

(Examples)

Then in 4 months, you find an apartment. It's as simple and complex as that. At the same time, you work on healing your own feelings about yourself.

If you do not get what you need, you will continue to suffer. We see it here all the time. All of the time.

Brother, you have been on a road full of demons for over a year without end. DD was the beginning, but there seems to have no end. You get some side relief yet get back on the road.

I am unsure what your legal advice was when you found out. But how is it that you end up the short end of the stick? Her job, position, and pay.

Your peaks and troughs are never ending. The decision needs be made And must be for your benefit, not hers. R is good, but you are bashing your head against a brick wall. What has your IC advised?

Time to make the call.

One day at a time

Buffer

Can I ask a not so simple question? I still love her but it feels different, like the innocence is gone. What is that all about? Is it always going to be different? Does it ever come back or is it changed forever even if we R?

I still love her but it feels different, like the innocence is gone. What is that all about? Is it always going to be different? Does it ever come back or is it changed forever even if we R?

It is changed forever even if you R. The A will be a third party to your marriage as long as you are in it. You can never go back to the "before time."

In response to your question above, no, you cannot fix it. The tools to fix it do not exist. You can of course choose to white knuckle it and remain in a dysfunctional marriage as long as you wish, but be clear about what you would be doing.

Successful R does not involve fixing the old marriage. It involves healing from your trauma as your WW turns herself into somebody new, then meeting that somebody new and falling into a different kind of love with her. The A will forever be a third party to that love, but if she truly fixes herself, she will carry that burden for the two of you.

I frankly don't think your WW has what it takes to do that. Too many years of profound dishonesty, even with herself.

With herself, that is the problem.

Can I still love her though? That is the question, and if I can, is it meaningful?

Has anybody whiteknuckled it and lived a decent life?

Yes you can white knuckle it. You are free to make that choice.

People stay in marriages that are “not good” for a million different reasons. Some remain for financial reasons. Some stay out of fear or anxiety. Some fear “being alone” . Some people would rather remain with the devil they know.

What do you think would be your reason for staying?

Also think of your marriage like a piece of paper. The paper is smooth and flat and crisp. Then you crumble it up. That’s the infidelity hitting your marriage. The piece of paper can never be smooth and flat ever again.

Infidelity will always be a permanent Mark in your marriage. That doesn’t mean you cannot survive it and reconcile. But the infidelity will always be there.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:59 AM, July 15th (Wednesday)]

Has anybody whiteknuckled it and lived a decent life?

That age-old question of "the Devil you know versus the Devil you don't." When a married person cheats, one of the effects is to force the BH to be faced with exactly that choice. You only have two options. That is your entire universe of options. The choice is yours.

Has anybody whiteknuckled it and lived a decent life?

Yes I feel like I've been white knuckling it for the last 5 years. It cost me my mental health and the way my STBX has treated me got worse and worse. His patience was gone. My STBX wanted to sweep it all under the rug and go back to me turning a blind eye to him. This is not a decent life. A decent life would be me living on my own without the anchor my STBX.

achilles1101 why not start detaching and see how you feel. You may be able to see things more clearly such as your WW's actions and behavior and if you really even like the person that you see. When I detached my eyes were wide open and the behavior I saw and his treatment of me allowed me to understand how we even got here. You may have a similar epiphany.

I think you should stop focusing altogether on your M and your WW. It is for her to fix. You can't begin to fix the M until you and your WW have done work on yourselves.

Even in successful R the M will never be the same as it was before. This is something you will have to accept at some point.

I'm just so sorry (((achilles1101))) the pain jumps out from your posts. I know you want this to work. I wanted that too but I exhausted myself on someone who didn't deserve it and hurt my mental health in the process.

I think it's entirely possible to love someone and D her.

One of the exercises I went through in deciding to R was imagining what I'd do if my W did not heal. I loved her as she was, but I decided I'd probably leave for my own mental health. I thought I simply could not stay with someone who hated herself. But I'd still love her for all that she had given me and for all her potential.

But I thought I'd have to leave.

*****

GR, Your answer to that question is the same as mine. I hope other readers of the Q come up with the same answer, too.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:49 PM, July 15th (Wednesday)]

Part of my problem is I thought I could be the rock. Nothing could break me, she could cling to me for strength, we would be fine. She didn't cling to me, she took a hammer to me and the rock is breaking. Chip by chip, the rock is getting smaller and smaller. Then when I learned about the affair, a huge chunk came off.

Sorry just venting, she crushed me and I am still trying to recover.

[This message edited by achilles1101 at 7:20 PM, July 15th (Wednesday)]

so tonight the rock is crushed. She has finally destroyed me. I give up, no matter the love, I can't see how this works out.

Thanks for all the help. I wanted this to work and appreciate all the support and advice.

Part of my problem is I thought I could be the rock. Nothing could break me, she could cling to me for strength, we would be fine. She didn't cling to me, she took a hammer to me and the rock is breaking.

Stop trying to be Superman. She never agreed to be Lois Lane. Goals like that only work if they are mutually agreed, and this was a dynamic that you set up for yourself without her input or agreement.

That is why even though she cheated, you are the one that feels like you failed her, and also failed yourself.

Perhaps the most positive thing that you can do for both of you is revoke her license to be dysfunctional, and let her know that it is up to her to convince you why you should commit more years of your life to her.

You have been doing all the heavy lifting, believing that one person can make a relationship. The truth is that while one person can break a relationship, it takes two people to make one.

Start asking her to contribute her 50%, and ratchet back your 90% to be 50%, and see what happens. She has not changed because she has not had to change.

Provide some motivation by letting her know that what used to be is no longer up to scratch, and that your patience has been exhausted. It is up to her to figure out if she can give back the kind of devotion that you have given to her.

so tonight the rock is crushed. She has finally destroyed me. I give up, no matter the love, I can't see how this works out.

Sorry, Achilles, I was writing my post while you wrote this.

I don't know what she did, but it sounds bad. I am so sorry. There comes a time when you have to stop protecting her, and start protecting you.

M1965,

I am not trying to be superman. I am just trying to be a good man. I hate that I can't be what I need to be for her. I know I am not to blame for what happened, but I can't help but sometimes think I could have been a better husband.

I am not superman, I am a man who hurts and doesn't understand what happened to him. I don't understand how someone who says they love you could do this. I am still lost and trying to find my way. I will at some point, but am not there yet, not yet.

[This message edited by achilles1101 at 9:26 PM, July 15th (Wednesday)]

I just want to know if I can fix this or not.

Simple, no. Because it’s not yours to fix. It’s what we have been trying to tell you all along Achilles.

When you stop trying to fix it, and let her succeed or fail at fixing it, it’s when things will become clearer.

I don’t know what happened tonight, but I want to try to make you understand, there is nothing you can do to fix this. You can agree to be a part of it or not. But this is on her, all on her to do the work to fix.

The question is, will she dedicate herself to do so. I promise she won’t be perfect at it. No one is. But is she committed? That is the question.

And even if it is, you get to decide if it’s enough for you to stay. Not her. Not us. Not family or friends. You. Only you.

So stop trying to fix anything. Focus on you, and see if she can make the changes necessary to even put her and your relationship in a position where staying might be a remotely possible choice for you.

Does that sound like something you can try? I’m hoping so. I think we all are.

Get some rest. Sounds like you need it.