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Oh man, I'm sure that's a load off your mind in terms of them working together.

Yeah, it's pretty nice feeling, haha. Not gonna lie.

[This message edited by desertmirage at 8:04 PM, November 22nd (Tuesday)]

Send him a get well card. It's the least you can do.

Haha!

Good news and the real victory here is not his sorry ass getting fired, but a real chance at true NC. Now you lay down the NC gauntlet. Clean slate with no excuse for her to ever have any contact with him again. Stay on top of it & verify that it's maintained. OM should be wiped out of your lives for good.

I agree completely. One less thing to think about!

It is now very important that you check all of your wife's texts and emails and that she deletes nothing. She continues to tell you to be careful, well that means you have to monitor all of her communications.

I am not sure how she found out the OM was fired, did HR tell her in an email, did the OM tell her a little birdie tell her?

If HR, has HR said anything about any actions against your wife such as disciplinary actions.

I had her forward me the email she received. It was from the head of her division saying that OM had been let go, and spelling out how the reporting structure would change for now.

She hasn't gotten anything from HR. I doubt they will punish her at this point, but I guess we'll see when she goes back to work next week.

It was from the head of her division saying that OM had been let go, and spelling out how the reporting structure would change for now.

Interesting, it seems it went above HR, which is important.

The reporting structure now sounds like talk to the division head instead of HR.

Now comes the real work, the hard work, and that is for you to see if you can R and importantly, how your wife will start to work on this.

I have the feeling that she now thinks everything is all better, just fine and dandy, but it is only beginning.

I hope her aloof attitude changes and doesn't think that this is the end of the huge problem, because now the focus is back to what she did and how she could have ever done this.

You got it Craig. I am really starting to come around the fact that she is capable of doing terrible shit and then successfully lying/hiding it.

I am going to make it VERY clear when she returns, that she is to start working on herself immediately (IC, books, worksheets, whatever!) and if I don't see the work start quickly, I'm not going to stick around.

I really don't want a marriage that is slapped together. I want us to be strong. If she can't or won't do the hard work that only she can do, what's the point.

I can find someone who won't fucking cheat on me, and who loves me and I them. I don't believe in "fate" and "only one person for us" BS. If I had selected a different university to attend, I have 0 doubts that I would have met someone else I liked/loved. Many fish in the sea and all that.

Yep, you're young and living life having to look over your shoulder will get hard and real very quickly.

Yeah, I just can't stop thinking about the fact that we are only 30 and she was already "bored" or whatever. What's gonna happen 5 years from now, 10, 20? We've been together for 10 years already. There is potential to be together for 60+ years. That's a long time and if one is easily bored or whatever, doesn't bode well...

Yeah, I just can't stop thinking about the fact that we are only 30 and she was already "bored" or whatever.

Sometimes an affair like this can wake up the marriage, but only if she is totally honest with herself about the why and the how could she do this.

Because you are right, what happens the next time she is bored or has a bad hair day. The same thing will happen if she doesn't fully get it today.

Yeah, I see this. It sucks that it's all on her. I can't help her or do it for her. But, in a sense, it will show how committed to "us" she actually is.

Oh, and ya, she is going to be directly reporting to the head of her division for the time being now.

[This message edited by desertmirage at 10:03 AM, November 23rd (Wednesday)]

I am glad for you and understand the satisfaction of knowing the OM has had some consequences for his behavior.

Now for the 'rain on your parade' part... While this removes him from the picture during work hours... so what? This will help with some aspects of limiting communication between them, but in reality does little to nothing in addressing her infidelity.

Reconciliation can ONLY happen with a fully involved and remorseful wayward. The picture your posts paint of your wife is not one of a remorseful wayward. In fact she comes across as a self absorbed, entitled, foot dragging narcissist.

I sincerely hope that you (and she) do not read to much into this or view it as some substantial milestone toward reconciliation. It is a baby step at best.

Please use this time apart to really think about what you need to see from her to reconcile.

Yeah, I get that. This was very easy. Well thought out letter to HR and sucking it up and doing it. She has a lot of work to do. I LOVE this first step but I think, as Bigger said, that there are MANY MANY steps to follow. Just take each one at a time.

We are communicating well with each other, but I need her to work on her shit, now.

I think it was a good first step that she did it willingly and she threw him under the bus. There is an emotional detachment for her to do that. Detaching from him is a good thing. Him being out of there is a good thing.

I can't recall, did she pursue him, did he pursue her, or was it kind of mutual flirting?

Also, what has been her past history since you've been with her with other males and flirting?

The letter from the head of division: Was it a one-on-one letter from the head to her or a letter sent to all in her department?

I’m wondering if there was a meeting / notification sent to all those formerly reporting under OM letting them know of the organizational change and they are all now reporting to the head of division, or is it ONLY your wife that’s reporting to the head of division.

It’s normal that if there is a sudden change in management that a generally and carefully worded letter is sent to all. That letter is unlikely to mention OM was fired, rather some wording like “OM is no longer with the company”. It’s also common that people report one level up while the vacant position is filled.

Often management will try to inform staff of these changes with a sudden short-advance meeting. Sort of gather everyone into a meeting room with 15 minutes advance. Since your wife is out then she would get an e-mail. I would be surprised if she alone in her department was to report to the head and others to someone else like OM replacement.

I think it’s to your benefit that your WW isn’t in the office right now. I haven’t for a minute believed that the affair was secret. Your WW might think so, but I’m guessing someone noticed and this last event makes all the round pegs fall into the round holes in the office gossip. With your wife away… they will be chatting at that water-cooler…

Frankly I think it’s good. I think general awareness of the affair at work might help in making your wife realize the gravity of what she did. That’s what often happens when infidelity is exposed, the WS doesn’t get the moral approval or the sense of it being “OK”. Gossip only lasts until the next scandal and your wife will get over any sense of discomfort at work.

Desert – Unlike some other posters I see progress in your wife.

Although you are hurting and I know it is a pain that is not easily quenched, hurting him is not going to stop the pain. Absolutely he is afraid because he knows he is guilty and wrong for his actions. Try to focus on healing… you still have a life to live.

I am going to make it VERY clear when she returns, that she is to start working on herself immediately (IC, books, worksheets, whatever!) and if I don't see the work start quickly, I'm not going to stick around.

Just wanna throw in my two cents here...

Why do you have to tell her this? Why not just let her do what she's gonna do, then decide whether it's acceptable? Wouldn't the true measure of her remorse include doing a little research to find out what gives her the best chance of winning YOU back? At least that way you are measuring her true nature, not just how she manages to check off items on the list.

Why on earth does the BS have to tell the WS what it'll take? Figure it out, Muffin.

IMHO, telling them what to do is like demanding an "I love you" from someone - it's pointless and yields insincere results.

I suggest a vague comment, like you expect her to do whatever it takes to make you feel safe in the relationship again. But that's it. No details, no explanation of the consequence (that's your business, she doesn't get any input).