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HurtButHopeful? ( member #25144) posted at 4:02 PM on Saturday, June 11th, 2011
I so hope for you that her remorse is directed at the terrible way she hurt you.
(JMHO, but get that STD testing done ASAP. If your W is really coming around, HB can be a good aspect of rebuilding the intimacy in your relationship, even thought it is also a rollercoaster ride for the BS. It is intensly good, and intensly trying. It helps sort some things out inside the mind, and is a safe release as well. Don't let STD testing hold back that part of the rebuilding groundwork of your M.)
Resources for R:
His Needs Her Needs, by Dr. Willard Harley
Love Busters, by Dr. Willard Harley
(for husbands) Becoming the Ultimate Husband, by Reb Bradley
oldandtiredout ( member #32299) posted at 5:18 PM on Saturday, June 11th, 2011
Life is way too short to be a grown woman's father. Yes there may be love here, but she is so immature it's like being a parent to a self centered, sneaky toddler. She'll never be a real partner, she'll have to be monitered like a kid forever.
WH 50's
BW 50's
DDay July 2009
3 year EA/PA
2 kids at home
jsatriani2010 ( member #30285) posted at 5:24 PM on Saturday, June 11th, 2011
OaTO brings up a valid point. This is something you will remember 30 years from now! Wow. Think about that.
Me: 66
Her: 64
DS: 29
Married 42 years
heartache101 ( member #26465) posted at 5:40 PM on Saturday, June 11th, 2011
Hmmm..Why would she be talking about long term projects like that?? I would be concerned that she is trying to rug sweep a bit there CO..IDK? I get wanting to get past it and moving on. I hope your response to all the long term discussions are letting her know that all is good but she has to pass the poly before long term plans are on the table..
I wouldn't want to be letting her rug sweep and not own her shit..They need to realize and understand totally what they have done..
And what she should be doing is making long term plans on how to make you happy and how to show you remorse and open trust. She should be planning time away with just you etc. etc... If those are the long term plans that is great!!
OH and for what it is worth on the sex trash talk? Is she open to you in the bedroom if not you need to dig into that brain of hers and see where she was going with that. Some people don't know how to open up to their spouses.I know I know but they can tell strangers weird so see if you can open that can of worms up too...
You have a long road ahead of you. I think you're handling this all really really well!!!
There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing
beenthere2? ( member #28554) posted at 7:30 PM on Saturday, June 11th, 2011
Hmmm..Why would she be talking about long term projects like that?? I would be concerned that she is trying to rug sweep a bit there CO..IDK?
IDK, as part of R, I wanted WH to make long term plans with me. It showed me (in a way because it could have been a lie) that he was planning on sticking around and I needed that reassurance.
Me: BW 34 Him: WH 36
Married 10
Dday #1 5/15/10 claimed EA/just friends
#2 9/20/10 (admitted to kiss w/ same OW
#3 11/29/10 admitted to a lot more
aesir ( member #17210) posted at 4:58 AM on Sunday, June 12th, 2011
She's been talking about long-term home improvement projects and trips together, not something one would be suggesting if she was bailing on our marriage.
Just a note of caution on this. My wife would talk about long term plans with me, while talking about divorce with her "friends". I don't know if this was just about trying to keep peace or save face or mislead me or what the fuck it was. just something to watch out for.
YMMV
Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.
Do not back up. Severe tire damage.
guardedheart ( new member #32364) posted at 1:06 PM on Sunday, June 12th, 2011
She's been talking about long-term home improvement projects and trips together, not something one would be suggesting if she was bailing on our marriage.
My WH did this after DDay #2 & #3 but obviously since there was a DDay #4 he didn't mean any of it.
BS (me) 26
WH (him)27
Married 4 years
Together 8 years
1 child - 9 months
DDay #1 12-2-09 OW#1 (EA)
DDay #2 5-26-10 OW#1 (EA turned PA)
DDay #3 5-27-10 OW#2(ONS)
DDay #4 1-29-11 OW#1 (PA)
Trying to R
bufffalo ( member #21854) posted at 4:48 PM on Sunday, June 12th, 2011
She's been talking about long-term home improvement projects and trips together, not something one would be suggesting if she was bailing on our marriage.
I believe that youre thinking rationally here...problem is that cheaters dont....the affair is "all about" the now...they dont think much about how their actions affect anyone but themselves - and sometimes not even then...My FWW started her affair the same weekend we were moving into a new house we had built - the "rush" of the house was dwindling....guess she needed a new "one"...
I dont think that cheaters plan "ahead" very well....they dont think of the consequences at all.....
JMO
Bufffalo
coping_girl ( member #8296) posted at 7:42 PM on Sunday, June 12th, 2011
Just to reinforce the long-term-thought process... Planning long term helps reassure you that *you* will stay.
It doesn't necessarily mean anything about the work she does to herself. It can be a tool to help her feel better, and a type of bonding in a way.
The summer after my H's affair - we went to Europe, we bought a boat - all things that helped us re-establish us as a couple. Which was fantastic.
But the problem wasn't us as a couple, it was his poor boundaries, alcohol, and a constant need for ego stroking. And without those issues being addressed, you could end up looking back on those expensive plans and thinking that it could have been money better used.
Myheartstillhurt ( member #32430) posted at 9:44 PM on Sunday, June 12th, 2011
The summer after my H's affair - we went to Europe, we bought a boat - all things that helped us re-establish us as a couple. Which was fantastic.
I am so glad that was your experience. My parents gave us a timeshare to go to a few months after I found out about the A. We went to Missouri and went to St. Louis for a day while we were there. That part of the trip was the best part, the rest was kinda just blah, and the drive back was terrible. Once we hit about 30 miles from our state, I pretty much sunk back into a horrible depression, because I was going back into reality.
BS(me) 34
fWH 38 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010
Fighting2Survive ( member #28410) posted at 10:17 PM on Sunday, June 12th, 2011
Just to reinforce the long-term-thought process... Planning long term helps reassure you that *you* will stay.
This was FWH's approach. He was looking to be reassured that I wasn't going anywhere. If I'd fallen for it, I'd lay money that it would have sucked the motivation to change right out of him.
Focus on the now, CO.
Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well
"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces
ChoppingOnions (original poster member #31671) posted at 11:07 PM on Sunday, June 12th, 2011
No worries, I am focusing on the NOW. While I might agree to some of the long-term plans, she knows I'm quite serious about putting down the hammer and bailing if she doesn't stick to the roadmap.
BS(me)-44
WW-43
Married-15 yrs
Daughter-(4)
D-Day: 5/31/11(EA/??PA)
D-Day #2 (PA), #3, #4: 6/1/11 (WTF?!)
heartache101 ( member #26465) posted at 4:26 PM on Monday, June 13th, 2011
(((CO)))
I hope you had a relaxing weekend.. You deserve it.
Yes the answer is focusing on the today and the future..
We all can get lost and she is soo fortunate to have you there to pluck her out of those rough waters and set her on a smoother path of life..
Hang in there!!!
There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing
Adolphsnightmare ( member #32469) posted at 4:29 PM on Monday, June 13th, 2011
It took me a couple of hours to read this thread. You are soo patient.
Hang in there!
stronger08 ( member #16953) posted at 4:33 PM on Monday, June 13th, 2011
CO, Keep up the good work. Remember all your getting now is words from her. And words from a WS dont mean shit. Be cautious for her behaviors to go underground. Cause that does happen. Keep vigilant and remember Actions, not words makes for a successfull R.
You cant eat soup with chopsticks.
ChoppingOnions (original poster member #31671) posted at 8:04 PM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2011
It's been a remarkably good few days. She's not just talking, but doing. She's pretty much cleared her social calendar indefinitely. Tells me about her whereabouts (truthfully, verified) before I ask. Arranging STD testing. No more phone at the bedside, and open for my perusal. Thankfully, I can't think of anything she's not doing that she should be.
She has a performance this week (one of her hobbies) before a rather large audience, so I'm going to spare her from the poly this week (no time anyway). Hopefully it'll be next week (she doesn't know yet that I still intend for this to happen).
I'm happy with the R progress we're making. I do think she's realized what she was about to lose, and I think we're closer than we've been in a long time.
BS(me)-44
WW-43
Married-15 yrs
Daughter-(4)
D-Day: 5/31/11(EA/??PA)
D-Day #2 (PA), #3, #4: 6/1/11 (WTF?!)
shattered123 ( member #27843) posted at 8:13 PM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2011
Dear Chopper,
I am so happy for you and your family. I am keeping you in my prayers.
bluewater ( member #9297) posted at 8:14 PM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2011
CO,
I have been following your journey through this ordeal and just wanted to say that you are an inspiration and fine example of a truly strong and loving man.
I tip my hat to you sir.
Edie ( member #26133) posted at 8:43 PM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2011
girlfromipanema ( member #30976) posted at 8:44 PM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2011
Two thumbs up!
How are you feeling? Just don't bury your pain. It'll rear its ugly head.
Very happy with your update. You remain in my thoughts and I wish you continued success.
Married: 8 Years
Me: BS
Husband had LTA (5 years) with former close friend of mine.
Attempting Reconciliation
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