SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sometimes the sadness is over the feeling you failed in the marriage. It's a defeat, and nobody likes losing.

The marriage may have failed, but if you did all you could, within reason, you are not to blame. It takes two to tango, and SHE decided to pick another dance partner.

You'll have lots of second guessing, wondering if you did the right thing, wondering if you should have tried harder to make it work.

At some point, you have to make a decision that's best for you, and you live with it, whether it was right or wrong, and make the best of it.

Put it behind you and move on with your life, bigger and better!

Right now I picture it like I am driving a pickup truck down a desert highway. I look in the rear view mirror and I see my wife, my marriage, all the memories of what I thought I had sitting in the truck bed. It's still right there behind me and it's not getting any further away. One day I will park and throw all of it on the side of the road and watch it slowly get smaller and smaller as I speed toward the horizon. But today is not that day, it's behind me but it's still right there. I hope to just wake up one day and it'll be gone. But that isn't how it works. I have to pull over and throw it all away myself. I hope that day is coming soon.

[This message edited by Falc at 9:26 AM, November 20th (Tuesday)]

If you want to be happy, accept life as it is and let go of what you cannot control.

A wise poster on one of these forums once told me this truth...."Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel"

Dude, rip that rear view mirror off, toss it out the window, and step on the gas. It ain't where you've been anymore, it where you're going, and the journey.

Eyes on the road ahead of you, crank up the radio, and smile. The promised land lies ahead.

Checking on you

Holidays are tough

Are you holding up?

I remember going thru my 40th bday, thanksgiving and xmas dealing with it

Thanks for reaching out GP. Thanksgiving was hard. It was my second without my Mom and first without my wife. It was also my birthday on Sunday. But there were a lot of people there at Thanksgiving including kids so it sort of kept my mind off things. I met up with friends for my birthday yesterday. I am hanging in there. Still hurting, still love her but I am working it through.

I've been doing a lot of thinking over the weekend and I don't think I am going to let her have the car. Truth be told, the way she has acted since Dday... I don't owe her shit. I am forgiving her of almost 25k in debt plus two months worth of house payments, bills, insurance payments, etc. I think that's gracious and fair enough. I drive a lot more now and the other car is only good for local errands. I also emailed my lawyer asking if we can write up a settlement where she doesn't have to sign the papers she was served.

Also, I went to the dentist today and she had an outstanding $1200 bill, I told them to send it to her new address.

It's basically a waiting game at this point. Either we receive the papers she filled out or we proceed after the 30 day time frame is up. She seems to be avoiding calls from the lawyer so I am not sure if she'll have the papers completed by her deadline. But the longer we wait on this, the longer she has to secure legal counsel which will only mean a fight. I just want to be done with this stupid fucking nightmare.

[This message edited by Falc at 2:50 PM, November 26th (Monday)]

There is a widely accepted theory on the 5 stages of grief that people go through in situations like you are in. The stages are generally listed as denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

Although listed that way then the stages don’t necessarily happen in that order, nor are they linear. You can be dealing with one or more stages at the same time.

I think you have passed the most negative of the five stages. You are past denial and are no longer bargaining. I think depression set in some time ago and it really sounds like you are dealing OK with that. That stage will pass but it takes time.

I don’t really care if you let her have the car or not per se. Nor am I certain you can tell the dentist to charge her directly or not. You guys were/are married and there are laws and regulations that have a lot more to say on those issues than some online help forum.

What I do suggest you be aware of is not to allow the ANGER stage to control your decisions. I have always suggested you offer a FAIR settlement. Totally irrespective of the car or the dentist then make sure whatever you offer is seen as fair by an impartial viewer. If I were your WW father and she told me she was leaving a 12-year relationship with nothing… I would be contacting an attorney. Once you have two attorneys arguing, a judge, offers and counter-offers… that’s when the case gets drawn out and the costs accumulate.

Once again: I am not saying give her the car. But I do think you need to be strategic so that you offer her something that a reasonable person would see it as fair, all things considered. Since I have yet to see someone drive two cars at the same time and since I seriously doubt the market-value exceeds the outstanding loan I simply saw the car as a sensible overvalued bargaining chip that would have minimal impact on your life.

I agree with Bigger. Do not make the car a sticking point. It is worth a certain amount of money. If she wants it that bad make sure you get top dollar for it. Make sure you include the dental debt in the division of assets.

Be fair but do not give away the farm.

Remember you don't want this to go to court either.

[This message edited by Gutpunch at 7:55 AM, November 27th (Tuesday)]

If we sold the house, she would owe about $19000 based on the current valuation. I'm absolving her of that debt. I'm also absolving her of her half of the payments, bills, insurance, etc for the two months that I've paid them in full so far. If I get the car, that's another $5000 of debt she is free from. I don't know, to me, being free of at least 24k in debt is pretty fair. I'd also pay her half of the equity in the car which is about $600 if I kept the car. We are in so much debt, there really isn't much to walk away with.

Falc, I assume you and your attorney thoroughly went over your asset/liability check list and valuated everything in terms of dollar amounts. I assume your attorney then guided you on best scenarios to divide both columns equally with respect to divorce laws in your jurisdiction so that the court barely has to raise an eyebrow as to what you and your attorney are proposing on property division. I'm assuming all that is worked out and it is just coming down to the issue of this one vehicle.

I'm going to tell you one gigantic advantage that you have in this D process that your STBXW is not even a mile within sniffing out. Waywards who are thick in the affair, like your STBXW, cannot think or plan well into their future. Hell most can't even see beyond next week. They are VERY short sighted and can only focus on the AP, the "enablers" of their affair, be it friends/family that help hide it or the tools that help prolong it. It's all about "me, me, me" and "now, now, now" and doing whatever they can to feed their affair addiction.

Remember what you posted earlier?

The issue here is I am offering her the car in exchange for no support payments, the house, everything inside the house including the pets, my 401k, my two IRAs, etc.

I think that I can live with offering her the car so I can be spared the humiliation that would be paying her support after what she's done to me.

That's you excercising your advantage in this D of long term planning. Once you are retired I don't think you're going to be fondly remembering that car and fist-pumping the air thinking you really got a fair deal keeping it. I don't think your next wife is going to fist-pumping the air right along side you. I think you would rather be thankful you didn't have to spend a dime of that retirement money or support payment on your XW so that you could enjoy that money with your new wife instead, perhaps on a yearly cruise vacation you both can afford to take as a result of giving up that car.

She also yelled and screamed at my lawyer on the phone because apparently she thought that when she was served papers, all she'd need to do is sign and we'd be officially divorced. She had no idea there was a whole legal process to it. And she also made the comment that she needs the car because she's moving.

Falc, she values that car A LOT. She also values not being bogged down by that boring old divorce process and not having to read all that boring legalese, understanding what the hell a 401k or an IRA is (because she probably thinks there is no point of having money if you can't spend it immediately) and just plain wants to be done with this whole divorce process to the point that maybe...just MAYBE (and every likely because her head is still stuck up the OM's butt) that if she did retain an attorney who highly advised her to try and lay claim on your retirement her response is "fuck that! I gotta go chase my happiness in Florida before that OM changes his mind. I NEED THAT CAR NOW!"

We're not telling you to get screwed on the property division to hasten the D. At the same time I am not telling you to bend over backwards to be overly "fair" where you screw yourself out of what is rightfully yours. Hey, I chose D so I know that process. Your future is the one thing that isn't on that asset/liability checklist but you still need to value that and consider it as part of what you need to preserve. Just getting you to refocus back on what you yourself realized earlier what's more important in your journey out of infidelity. You want to be free of her cheating world entirely, even better no longer reminded of it in your valuable future.

Hey, I waived a $40k check in front of my XW's face and all she could envision is what she would do with it to enhance her new single woman lifestyle an spend some of it on her OM. She didn't give two shits about assets and liabilities because she thought the only thing that was valuable was what she was able to carry out of our marital home, fit into her own car home and move it into her new apartment. Falc, my disastrously short-sighted XW literally wrote off about two thirds of the potential assets she could have gotten in our D, and her fucking attorney signed off on it at her insistence! Let me tell you that was the best $40k I've handed over in my entire life given all that I've gained as a result after my D.

Like I said, if all things considered that you and your attorney think you are proposing a reasonable and fair property settlement to her and all it takes for her to sign off on it is that car, I would run it through the car wash, get it waxed, then put a big fucking red bow on it and getting some white shoe polish and writing "Here's to happy new beginnings!" on the windows. Then call her up to come over while I wait outside with the D papers in one hand and the car keys in the other.

That's actually good advice. It's probably best to just award her the car and move on, out of this whole mess. Still a shitty situation. Thanks Jduff.

Her plane tickets are for the 28th, so she might show up here even though the lawyers told her not to as asset transfer is frozen. I've asked them what my legal rights are in terms of her showing up and demanding to be let in the house or demanding the car. Based on how she's acted since I found out, I wouldn't put it past her to show up even as far fetched as it sounds. It's causing me a lot of anxiety and it's really bothering me, I'm stuck in a swirl and can't stop thinking about it. I envision her showing up with OM. I don't think I am truly at the anger stage, maybe I am but I don't really feel anger. It's more so just a general 'meh' towards her.

You should follow your attorneys instructions on what to do. Call your attorney and let him (or was it a "her" I don't remember) know if your STBXW is at your residence and attempting to gain entry or access to the vehicle. You may need to call the police. Think ahead on all the possible scenarios and have a plan of action so that you don't let your emotions take over and influence your decisions that day. I seriously doubt the OM will show up with her but run it by your attorney on what to do if that be the case. If you know your neighbors well enough you might consider cluing them in on what possibly may happen in the next few days just so they already understand the context of the drama that may ensue, as they can be wonderful eyewitnesses to your STBXW's potential bat-shit crazy antics outside your door.

Assuming she has a key to the car, it's easy enough to install a hidden kill switch.

Just saying, she's not likely to have to towed all the way to where ever.

[This message edited by twisted at 5:16 PM, November 27th (Tuesday)]

For some reason, I received the registration for her new car at my house. Not sure why. But it looks like she doesn't want the car anymore lol. Could be a bad sign.

Now I'm right back to feeling like garbage. Like I'm the bad guy. I was doing really well, this rollercoaster is so shitty.

[This message edited by Falc at 7:29 PM, November 27th (Tuesday)]

No falc, you're not a bad guy. The brothers here are so wise. Think of your future kids. Imagine you are doing what's in their best interest. It will matter later. A kind hearted man like yourself won't be alone unless he decides to be. You have a lifetime of love ahead.

Plan some good uplifting stuff for yourself right now. I sat last night and watched kids sing in a nativity pageant. Get out and find some good will. It's there and all you have to do is go participate. Be a kid, go look at lights, go slide in the snow, whatever. Take your empathy and help at a toy drive. I'm making some blankets for nursing homes. Doing good helps ease the emptiness.

I feel the same falc, that road into the desert, but there is beauty in the desert. There is quietness, there is sunrises of magnificent color, there is resilience, there is survival, there is an oasis that refreshes, there is a ring of majestic mountains to climb, there is a path through. We are purifying. We are discovering, we are strengthening, we are healing, we are growing in spirit. Don't forget and just focus on the pain. You take all these blessings with you into the future. Keep your mind on the time to come. The past is what it is and that's ok.

Received a notice from her bank in Wisconsin stating that since they are a marital property state, my income and wages will be available to satisfy debts if she doesn't make the payments on her new car. She could really screw me if she was trying to be vindictive. I talked to my lawyer and they will include language in the judgment that protects me from this. However, I am not sure if I am protected if the divorce is not final. The roller coaster continues.

I think that it is just so hard to choose to divorce and remove yourself from someone you love so deeply. That's why most of us newly BS's here wait or have waited. I know I waited. It just hurts and I've been feeling it these past few days. Feeling the fact that the person I trusted more than anything has absolutely zero care for me as a person or my feelings. That she is happily living her new life and has no remorse or guilt of the life she left in ruin. 2.5 months out and I still feel like this, I can't imagine how long this is going to take to get out from under this.

And don't think that I am just sitting around moping. I am keeping busy but it just hits me so hard and has been hitting me constantly these past few days.

Not sure if I should keep posting here or move to the General/Divorce forums. Just feeling it badly the past few days and need to type it out.

[This message edited by Falc at 11:29 AM, November 29th (Thursday)]

Divorce in your circumstance strikes at your identity. If you ask who you were before the affair, very high up on the list would be I am married to so and so.

To have that identity fundamentally betrayed and ripped from your is difficult. You do get over it, but I think there is some sense of "who am I" that takes a while to overcome.

Check with your lawyer, but if she bought the car after being served, you should be off the hook on any new purchases she makes. Otherwise, why wouldn't every person who is getting divorced go out and buy a new car and stick their spouse with at least 1/2 the bill?

And also check with your lawyer, but since both of you lived in CA and owned a house there, I think that CA laws determine how your divorce will go, not Wisconsin laws. She probably hasn't lived there long enough for those jurisdiction laws to matter much. You did file in CA, right?

Yes I filed in CA. I believe that since the loan was acquired after the date of separation, I am most likely off the hook and if they come to garnish my wages... the lawyers will take them to court.