SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Abby totally called it.

NP5, dang man. She is not out of the fog. I know you want to believe she is, but her breaking NC this far out? That's not out of the fog. She's still very much in LalaLand, and you are still in every bit as much danger as you were right after Dday. She still cares about this man more than you, she still cares more about herself than for you. She is still protecting AP and herself, more than you and the marriage and the children. Broken NC = still in the A. Whether actively (as I suspect) or mentally. Either way, still not in R.

She reads your posts, then gets her panties all in a twist because she's "totally trying" to get it right and all the folks on SI are big meanie heads that just don't understand her. The problem is NP5, everyone here toooootally understands her. And they have been calling the plays before she uses them. We have the handbook. We know the games my friend. She hates that people can see right thru her. Hates it. Then she sets you on fire again.

My heart breaks for you.

To the poster above, she did post on Wayward Side. And it did nothing. She just learned to hide and manipulate better. She needs serious, intensive therapy. Maybe a divorce. Some people refuse to change. I'm beginning to firmly believe she is one of those that don't/won't change. (And I'm a Pollyanna who has hope for everyone) Her actions prove it.

So very sad.

NP5, I am so sorry, man.

She is 100% responsible for her actions. You are 100% responsible for your actions and inactions.

I still question this whole "let's put it on the calendar next month to come clean with each other" stuff. No. Just do it. To an extent (and I may take 2x4s for saying this...) your inactions have made it easier for Edith to manipulate you. It is what it is.

Don't think, just do.

NP5,

I am so sorry. The only thing I can say is this:

Successful Rebuilders:

do not resist breaking all contact with the affair partner

keep no secrets

She hasn't resisted breaking off all contact, she kept the secret up till the polygraph, let it out so she can pass.

Finally she shared information on what you were planning that would affect him.

This is akin to a spy giving secrets to the enemy. She isn't 95% there, she is giving the OM aid and comfort. If she did this with an enemy of the United States she would be charged with treason.

I think you will die a slow and painful death if you stay with her. But ok, that's your choice, I suppose. But what about your kids? Have you talked to a good children's therapist, explained the situation and asked him/her if they'd be better of with you staying in this "marriage" given it's current course, or you divorcing and them spending at least half the time with an emotionally healthy, stable parent (i.e. you once you get away from her and work on yourself and get them into counselling. You won't be able to heal as long as you'll remain with her) and not 100% in a toxic environment that is your "marriage"? Please, think of the kids. I think it's in their best interest for you to divorce, work on yourself, get them into therapy. Please, talk to a good children's therapist and THEN decide. But let your decision be an informed one. Don't stay in the "marriage" without talking to a good therapist. As always, best wishes

I feel pretty confident there was never "nc" to begin with. Just more minimizing

Edith. I wish you the best in starting to work on yourself. You don't deserve to be this person. You may be too far gone to help those you've betrayed, but you aren't ever too far gone to help yourself

Np5,one more thing. People hurt for you on here because we know (a) how devastating this this for you and (b) how badly you want this to work

But how very very far have you fallen in the torture that he breakING "nc" "3 weeks ago" (only admitted because AGAIN parking lot confession and AGAIN knew she'd fail that question - so she offers up a minimized "truth" to make the polygraph seem legit). How very far have you fallen in devastation that talking to her AP 8 months after her "revelation" seems like she's come so far out of a fog.

She admits things only in parking lot confessions. And I'm betting this was after the whole "full disclosure, girl scout honor. Now let's talk about your issues dear."

She definitely has come out if a fog - the one where she thought she could guilt/lecture you out of suspicions. Now she's onwards to the manipulate through niceness fog. Which definitely tastes much sweeter.

How far will you let her continue treating you like this, np5? 6 months. A year, 2 years from now will you be saying again she's come a long way. And she's only "breaking nc" "because..." and offer up another of her minimization?

Please read up on the cycle of abuse. Please understand that you are completely caught up in it. Please see she is doing the same to your kids. I know you have wanted to believe anything but this. But when will you say enough?

You are allowing her to abuse and manipulate you and your kids.

Please stand up for NP. PLEASE STOP THE INSANITY.

In September of last year, I was going with my three oldest girls to the music school. I was carrying the third child's large instrument and we all were waiting for the elevator.

The OM came walking down the hall with a sly, smug look on his face. We all turned to look at him and he said, "Hello [NP5]". We stared at him as he turned and went into the class room.

My youngest then turned to me and said, "It's OK dad, it's OK." I had told them that mom and OM had an inappropriate friendship, which I thought it was. But I told them that it was over, and that mom loves us all very much and would never do that again. She promised.

My wife was telling me to be strong, things would be OK and that she didn't have to take them to music lessons. She didn't want to ever run into him again and that she would do whatever I needed to make us better.

Little did I know that they had had sex a just before and then not long after. It would be another 3 months of sex as I writhed in agony. I would go to IC week after week as she met him in the hotel over and over. She would encourage me to focus hard on getting better and to be strong for our children and our family.

Now I know why he had such a smug look. He saw what he was destroying. He saw me with my burdens and my anxiety and my children. He smiled to himself and thought of having sex with my wife later that week and me powerless to stop him.

Because I loved and trusted my wife.

[This message edited by notperfect5 at 12:48 PM, November 25th (Wednesday)]

bro-hug, NP5.

We are here for you friend.

So I gather that you are going to give her a fifteenth chance to pick her family over OM?

Dude, seriously. I know you are hurting. I know I should be supporting you as I have COUNTLESS times in the past.

But it is time to wake up.

Get out.

Save yourself.

She is going to kill you.

If she hasn't already.

And she DOES NOT CARE.

Repeat that to yourself. Because for some reason, despite all the evidence to the contrary, you choose to ignore the obvious.

She is cruel.

Stand up for yourself. And for your kids.

The fact that she still has his contact information should be more than your answer here.

You can't save her, because she doesn't need saving. She knows what she is doing. You need to save yourself. If dhe can call him to warn him about what you are about to do..that shows you where her loyalties mostly lie.

You don't believe she will start the affair up again?

You don believe she has any intentions of being with the OM again?

Well breaking contact dispels all of that.

People here do care for you.

They are watching a train wreck about to happen all over again.

Edith does not have your best interests at heart because your best interest are not hers. She is only concerned about her best interests and those go ahead of you and the rest of the family.

I hope she's reading this because despite whatever she tells you..her actions will always show her best interests.

She waits until she is absolutely forced to tell you the truth. She has told your daughter to lie to you about previous contacts being broken

She has cheated on you multiple times with this man and she probably still is

Do you account for all of her time?

I'm sorry to see you go through this.

NP5,

I've been reading and watching. Look at all of these veterans replying to you...supporting you... begging you to take care of yourself. I get it. I'm newer to this pain, too. I cheered for the two of you to make it. But you aren't. She is not doing the work. You know it. It hurts so deep inside to admit it but please do. I will never understand why or how they can do it, but I will tell you that those here know and understand your pain. Please, please take care of yourself and your kids. You know what you need to do. I'm so very sorry. Prayers from me.

Regarding your last post..I don't know who I feel worse for.....You having that smug asshole smile at you like that...or your children, who knew, had been reassured by their mother that she wouldn't further destroy the family, and were being lied to and betrayed by her. Over and over.

Np5....her heart is still in the affair. She chose to protect him, as recently as a few weeks ago. She continues to emasculate you. She continues to choose him over you, and your children. Let her go. Save yourself. Save your children. You have done all you can do.

He smiled to himself and thought of having sex with my wife later that week and me powerless to stop him.

Unfortunately, this is not the old wild wild west where we could settle our own disputes. There is nothing really you could have done to stop him.

Powerless is how you feel, but you acted within the laws of our country. How in the hell could you have stopped him, really, think about it, how could you have stopped him. It was really up to your wife to stop the whole thing.

His smugness is disgusting, and of course he needs to be outed to everyone possible, and I mean everyone.

He is a teacher and he does this and then acts this way. You did what you could, you talked to the school I think you wrote a long time ago, and he still acts this way.

Now is the time to draw the line in the sand, if your wife contacts him for ANY reason again, divorce papers must be filed. There has to be a final straw that breaks your back.

Is this OM still teaching there...do you still have to see him? And did the school ever do anything.

Bro-hugs, man!

NP5,

We care about you. We're here for you.

We say things sometimes that probably sting, and I've never seen you react poorly to anyone here. You're always gracious and kind, even when we're swingin the lumber.

After meeting you at a recent gtg, I realized that you're genuinely a nice guy. You're smart. It's obvious you love your family- they were all you talked about. I know you love Edith.

But man, you don't deserve this. Do you see that? Your kids don't deserve this. Do you see that? I have a feeling that your kindness is being taken advantage of.

She's still in contact. I predicted that she was still in the A, and I was right.

Where is your anger? It's time to use this to fuel you and get unstuck- to piss or get off the pot. No more excuses about a personality disorder, no more excuses about her biggest fear is that you'll leave- BULLSHIT. No more bullshit excuses, period.

Lawyer up. 180. IC for you and the kids.

((((((Np5))))))

Now is the time to draw the line in the sand, if your wife contacts him for ANY reason again, divorce papers must be filed. There has to be a final straw that breaks your back.

I respectfully disagree. It's past that time. She should've never contacted him and she knew what was at stake. She was warning OM about something. She clearly values protecting the OM over protecting NP5 and guarding her marriage.

NP5,

Stick with us. Her next move is going to be this:

"NP Honey, I just worry about you. SI seems to drag you down. It causes so much stress between us. I think you would be better off talking to me and not those strangers. What do they know anyway!? Lets make a pact to not let any outside forces get involved or between us. Lets you and me do this. Together."

Don't let her do that. Don't let her talk you out of support and a lifeline to sanity. If she hasn't started yet, it's only a matter of time. It's in the playbook. It is designed to keep you isolated and alone. It is designed to keep you weak and optionless. Heaven forbid you gain strength. Heaven forbid you pick another option. She doesn't want that. It's not in her best interest. She will attempt to cut you off from support.

I am so sorry you are hurting. I am so sorry she isn't who you want to believe she is.

You speak of your interaction with OM and the hurt /disrespect/shock you felt at his treatment of you. Fair enough. But really, NP5, he's not your problem. This is the person your WIFE brought into your life - her co-conspirator in causing pain and destruction - and she refuses to give him up.

Respecting the rules of this forum - and honestly, there are no words for the type of behavior this... man? tho surely he is not... displayed in front of your children - OM is not a good person.

You, NP5, endeavoring through pain, heartache, betrayal after betrayal, to keep your family together, ARE a good person.

Your wife.keeps.choosing.HIM.

What does that make her?

Please, be the parent in this situation to set the right example for your kids about the type of respect they deserve. About the way they should behave in this life. About the GOOD in this world.

But beyond all that, just know my heart - and the hearts of a lot of us here in this forum - is really aching for you.

Hey brother. I happen to agree with Aubrie here.

Until and when she is willing to be diagnosed, her behaviors will continue. NONE of this is her fault. Her PD will NOT allow her to seek help.

I know you've researched BPD as it relates to her. Have you googled *spouses of BPD*?

You, yourself exhibit classic symptoms. I was one. I know. BTDT.

She won't/can't do this on her own.

You can.

Sending strength

PM's always open