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TOC

The thing that stands out in his written confession to you is that at each event/stage he writes how terrible he felt and upon your return, how much he loved you, and yet he continued with the affair...

I'm going to admit that I couldn't read this as closely as it probably deserves, but I can tell you this much: it's all about him. His guilt, his need to offload this bullshit, his decisions, etc... The very fact that he would send it to you without you asking, makes this by definition about him. He has a long way to go if he thinks that this was a good idea.

You've made the right call ending this, and I admire your clarity this early on in the fallout.

Have to say that this is the final nail for the coffin he built!!

You are absolutely doing the right thing --- no way in hell could you come back from this.

Let little miss psycho slunt have him --- they so deserve each other!!!

Stay strong TOC --

Breathe in - breathe out - move on~~~~~~~~~~

Your new life will be beautiful!!!!!

TOC,

I see tonnes of blame shifting too in his email. he's trying to portray himself as someone caught up in a situation that he was struggling with, and he didn't want to be in. but his text was

“I can’t wait to be inside you again. xox”

Doesn't sound like someone being coerced into doing something he doesn't want to do.

You're doing the right thing with D

TOC

I wish you well.

I am not going to analyze that letter but the biggest thing that stood out to me was (a couple of times) he insinuates it was because you traveled and he was lonely, therefore vulnerable to Dogface, I mean dog walker.

He knew you traveled often before you guy got M, no? He is blame-shifting big time.

Just imagine if you R and every time you had to travel the "trigger" and guilt it would cause you.

Stay strong, I wish I did what you did back when I was younger

Good grief TOC..... this is just blah, blah, fuckity-blah.

You don't even care - good for you.

Oh TOC.

So much blame shifting in that letter. To you for being away and leaving him lonely and candy for forcIng him to have an affair with her.

The letter was all about him, how uncomfortable he was, how sad he was and yet he continued the affair. He felt guilty for the first date yet went back for more? Bob saw him yet he still went back to her house? He chose those stupid hurtful actions again and again.

And to minimise it wasn't jewellery, I didn't write I love you in the card, it was just casual fun, I only loved you, we only caught up when you were away, it only happened at her house....I am so angry at him for you.

I think you need to block him TOC. He has warned you that he isn't giving up so you need to protect yourself from more hurts like this one.

Big hugs to you.

(((TOC))) his letter was about HIM!! Onward and upward. You can always remarry later if you feel like it, but if not, D is at least your way to freedom.

Side note: for the nicknames, I like Gravy Train (get it: it's a dog food and she was looking for an easy life).

He missed you so he had an affair. He "submitted" to her and had sex, poor man. She tricked him with that bracelet thing. How was he supposed to know a charm was jewelry? And granted, these were excerpts from his letter, but he didn't acknowledge breaking his vows to you until he fucked her, like everything before that was still ok. I had some sympathy for him before I read this, but not so much anymore. He doesn't own his shit yet. He doesn't understand what he did. Ugh.

I never told her I love her. Never. I only ever loved and am in love with you. I made sure she knew that.

Ahhh yes, the famous statement we all have heard. I call Bullshit. They all say it.

TOC, I have read your thread over the last few weeks, which coincided with the 3yr anniversary of my DDay. You my dear are brilliant and have handled this situation with such grace. Had I stumbled upon your post 3 years ago I would have plagiarized your every step and saved myself a lot of unneeded grief.

Your strength, clarity, and tact is amazing. Despite your pain you are like the virtual BFF for every BS on this thread. Seriously. I cried, cursed, laughed, and smiled my way through your post from page 1- present.

I will say though....I would have been very, very tempted to take a screen shot of her FB messages and post them back to her FB page. She probably wasn't smart enough to change the settings on who can post to her page which would have been so gratifying to see. However, you took the high road and from a legal perspective you absolutely did the right thing. Karma always finds a way to even up.

He sounds like a total con artist.

He probably has a long history of scamming people in one way or another.

Those were not the words of an honest man.

That part about trying to placate her to buy time after the fateful text was just total BS. What was going thru his mind was "how do I juggle stuff to keep both of them on a string?"

Sorry still angry on your behalf here. Does your WH expect some brownie points for "holding you all night" after his first date? For surprising you at the airport? For only buying her a charm? For never actually using the words I love you with her? And as for claiming the "affair only happened at her place" does he not realise the whole thing from flirting at the dog park is an affair? That every text, call and interaction that he didn't tell you about was an affair? One thing he did get right he is a stupid man!

[This message edited by HardyRose at 7:43 PM, November 9th (Wednesday)]

Hi All,

I'm not going to defend WH here but in totally bad-mouthing him, it calls into question my decision to marry and love him all these years.I refuse to do that. Even in the storm, I can see the good in him. I am going to walk away with those good memories and thoughts of him. No, he is not a con-artist. He's a good man who did a bad thing. He, in all likelihood, just did not love me enough but there is nothing I can do about that. We try to teach each other to love ourselves above all else. That is evidently what he was doing so how can I fault him? His integrity is different from ours but I get to walk away with mine and that's enough for me. I can only worry about me.

I'll be OK but thank you all for having my back.

Well said TOC, that's very classy of you. He will definitely miss that for sure. Big hugs, stay strong. Onward and upward.

OneBrokenGirl

TOC, I have read your thread over the last few weeks, which coincided with the 3yr anniversary of my DDay. You my dear are brilliant and have handled this situation with such grace. Had I stumbled upon your post 3 years ago I would have plagiarized your every step and saved myself a lot of unneeded grief.

I can't take any of the credit beyond finding SI before I reacted to WH. Without SI, I would have been a disaster. The advise I got carried me through. I made one smart move. The rest was what I got here.

No, he is not a con-artist. He's a good man who did a bad thing. He, in all likelihood, just did not love me enough but there is nothing I can do about that. We try to teach each other to love ourselves above all else. That is evidently what he was doing so how can I fault him? His integrity is different from ours but I get to walk away with mine and that's enough for me. I can only worry about me.

TOC, you do amaze me in your evaluations. I think that you are so incredibly on the mark; it is like you are a year out from this, looking at it from a clear, rational, sad viewpoint.

That is NOT meant to diminish your pain. It is fresh, raw, and real like any other newly betrayed member---you have just been a 'model' student of this classroom that you didn't ask to enter.

That aside, I do believe that your WH is trying to find his way. Doesn't mean that he is entitled to anything other than what a court of law states about your possessions, but I think that he is trying to come up with answers for not only himself, but for you. You may not wish for any explanations, but I do believe he is trying to be a better person than he was mere weeks ago. It is just tragic that his selfishness destroyed what appeared to be a strong relationship. I believe that he will regret this to his grave.

I don't say any of this to make you feel worse; it is quite the opposite. It was (unfortunately) out of your control.

jb -

I have the benefit (?) of experience that I don't wish on anyone. I remember looking back in hindsight a few years after my first divorce, after all the pain we caused each other, and literally cringing. The things I said and did still hurt to think about - the proverbial crying on the floor and holding on to his legs, pulling me across the floor on his way out the door, begging him not to go. UGH, still hits a nerve thinking about it --- and I KNEW we were no good for each other and he was a horrible liar and cheat! Oh the ridiculous drama. That experience changed me. Made me strong but also taught me never to disrespect myself like that again. Poor MrTOC bore the brunt of what I learned. He should have never tested me!

[This message edited by TurnOtherCheek at 8:36 PM, November 9th (Wednesday)]

Please don't question your decision to marry him. Some of the most deceptive con artists can do an excellent job of presenting themselves as decent human beings. It's what they do best.

Many of us have been conned because we chose to trust and love someone who was skilled at lying and cheating.

It's not a reflection on us - but on them.

He should have never tested me!

I see you can laugh again. It made me laugh.

TOC:

"Methinks the lady doth protest too much."

I hear someone trying to convince herself that she is done...when she isn't.

I am not making light of your situation. I hear pain and sorrow, but I also hear the voice of one who doesn't sound done.

[This message edited by farsidejunky at 10:23 PM, November 9th (Wednesday)]