Maybe I missed the part where the BS asked the WS to bring it up, but I don't see asking a WS to bring up the A, then the WS not doing it as passive aggressive.
Good morning. I want to make sure that I'm perfectly clear here.
It is perfectly acceptable to ask your WS to bring up the affair. Indeed, I can't imagine any of us NOT doing this.
What IS passive-aggressive, however, is having an undercurrent of expectation that is consistently not met... and then getting angry over your husband's inability to meet that expectation.
I'm not sure how to explain this without seeming like I'm lecturing - I'm not. I'm only trying to express how I found my way past so much of the bullshit... the very same bullshit so many of you find yourselves in.
The WS and the BS see the affair differently - sometimes only at first, sometimes forever. They don't know what the pain of infidelity feels like because they've never been betrayed. Even those who do the work and seem to understand - let's face it... they don't REALLY understand. Yes, they see the amount of pain you're in and they recognize that it's because of THEM... but they really don't know.
For many, several years down the road (or maybe sooner) from a LTA the tables are suddenly turned and they are forced to confront the fact that they are, really, pretty nasty people. They actively hurt someone they love... on an ongoing basis. At the end of the day, that makes them pretty fucked up individuals. Now, there are two ways they can handle that fact - they can pretend they're better but just continue on with the affair (or start a new one)... ala California Native's post above... OR they can realize that they need help, address their issues, and start working to heal the marriage.
Partner #1 gets divorced. Period. He/she is not marriage material.
Partner #2 might be rewarded with reconciliation.
If you're married to Partner #2, however, and this is mission critical - just because they're "doing the work" doesn't mean it's easy for them. Face it, no matter how much work they're doing there is something within them that doesn't see the marriage the way we do. THAT is why they had a LTA! So we need to realize that making the marriage better than it ever was is going to require both of you. Working together. Understanding that, really, both of you have issues and each needs to lean on each other.
So... yes, you tell him what you need (to bring up the affair). But you MUST realize that... he's fucked up! He, more than likely, isn't going to just do this out of the blue. YOU need to step up YOUR game. As I say so often, you need to turn TOWARDS each other. And that means clearly and unmistakably spelling out exactly what you need. That does NOT mean telling him you want him to bring up the affair - and 6 months later wondering why he hasn't. It means setting down your expectation within a near-term goal. "Honey, it's Monday. I want YOU to bring up the affair on our date night THIS FRIDAY... and I want this, this and this to be addressed." THAT clear.
If necessary, and I did this A LOT... write down a specific list of questions, no matter how difficult they might be. Hand them to him and say, "I want you to write me these answers. I want them by Friday. I know they're going to be tough but, please, do NOT spare me any pain. I need to know the answers. Look him directly in the eyes and say, "Do you understand??" Then ask him on Friday, "Do you have my answers?" Don't just wait around only to find, 6 months later, he hasn't given you the answers.
We all have this opportunity to reset the marriage. Please, god help all of us if we settle back into the same, shitty communication and relationship dynamics that existed pre-affair. I, for one, will NOT go there. For me, it's pretty simple - if I need my wife to jump through hoops of fire in the bedroom - then I'm going to tell her exactly that. She doesn't HAVE to... she's not obligated. And she certainly doesn't have to do it tonight. She's not my personal whore. But I AM going to tell her what I want and how I feel. And guess what else? She is more than welcome (and she has) to tell me what SHE needs.
That is what we were missing for 20+ years. We were so damn worried about making each other upset, or too embarrassed to tell each other our needs, or to find a way for each other to understand... that we just sat on it. And simmered. And grew apart. Until she fell into someone else's orbit who would tell her exactly what she needed to hear.
I'm not going there anymore. And neither should any of you.
Understanding that the other person doesn't always understand... is part of communication.