SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Has anyone else found that when non-infidelity issue arise - the way your wayward acts helps or hinders R?

My H has never been very good at emotional support - when I was diagnosed with cancer before his A and went hru 7 weeks of radiation he never once asked me how I was doing or offered to go to an appointment with me.

Since Dday he has been there for me emotionally - is more comfortable expressing his emotions and supporting mine.

Saying this last year has been hard - as you all know - is an understatement. I work in the medical field - so never had to worry about losing my job - which was a blessing - but also extremely stressful working during a pandemic when no one knew from day to day what was going to happen.

I have recently decided to retire - which is definitely a good thing - but brings on its on stresses - financial decisions - income considerations - health insurance.

We recently learned my sister - who is truly my best friend - may have non-Hodgkins lymphoma - she is currently at MD Anderson for tests. Before - my H would have just brushed off my concerns - not even asking about her unless I bought it up.

Yesterday was her first round of test - the first thing he asked when he got home from work was if I had talked to her and how did everything go. He then said he wished he could tell me everything was going to be ok - but of course he couldn't promise that - but he is here when I need to talk - a shoulder to cry on - or just a hug.

His support emotionally through all of this he made our R so much stronger - had he reverted to his old ways I think it would have been a huge step backwards.

Glad he gets it. You are lucky.

Hope your sister gets some positive news.

I have noticed it with my H as well...which has helped to speed up the healing process .

I am happy to see your H helping you through this time with your sister. I will pray for a good recovery for her (((HUGS))).

And I noticed it from the other side. A little over 2 years ago, my dad (who was 67 then) had a heart attack. Being the one who lives 1000 miles away (my siblings lived anywhere from 8 miles to 800 feet away), I was carrying a fair amount of stress because I only got a daily update.

When I first learned of his heart attack, my wife said "Yeah, it sucks not knowing if you will see your dad again." And then never asked another question about how he was doing.

So, yeah, the non-A things can certainly shine a light on all the attributes in the one who is supposed to be on your team and supporting you.

I had a really hurtful falling out with a friend, something that felt stupid and unfair. This happened right around the first DDay anniversary. Horrible timing. Feeling unable to trust a female friend as I coped with double friend double betrayal made it extra hard. Hubby was really angry for me and much more supportive and patient with me than he would have been in the past. I think for one thing he was glad to be helping me with pain instead of being the one who caused it. And allowing him to be that for me was helpful for rebuilding trust.

Yes. I think an issue outside of infidelity can help distinguish between WSes and fWSes.

Almost 5 years after d-day, my mom fell, stayed on the floor overnight, almost died. She had to go through rehab and moving from her own apartment to assisted living, etc.

W just joined in the work. She took the lead in navigating some bureaucratic red tape that my brother and I would have found very frustrating. She just did it as if she was a full-fledged member of the family - which she was.

I distinctly remember noticing what she did and how she did it. I was very grateful, and I remembering being very glad I had R'ed.

His support emotionally through all of this he made our R so much stronger - had he reverted to his old ways I think it would have been a huge step backwards.

Infidelity seems to throw everything that was in the old dead marriage and any attempt at a new marriage into sharp relief. The wayward spouse is now under a microscope, and there are many things that a betrayed spouse never thought about before to now give them great pause.

Betrayed spouses begin to examine everything with a critical eye and slow everything down to think about each issue carefully. Conversations are parsed carefully for meaning and subtext, as they should be. Actions, or lack of actions, are closely watched and noticed.

I believe nothing but good can come from this for the BS's own sake -- whether the option is to R or D.

[This message edited by Thumos at 1:12 PM, May 28th (Friday)]

I noticed the same thing. FWH is much more supportive than he was before the A. He's a much better husband in general. I'm weirdly grateful for that - but not how we got here.