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Reconciliation :
When other issue intrude

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 Nanatwo (original poster member #45274) posted at 8:47 PM on Saturday, May 22nd, 2021

Has anyone else found that when non-infidelity issue arise - the way your wayward acts helps or hinders R?

My H has never been very good at emotional support - when I was diagnosed with cancer before his A and went hru 7 weeks of radiation he never once asked me how I was doing or offered to go to an appointment with me.

Since Dday he has been there for me emotionally - is more comfortable expressing his emotions and supporting mine.

Saying this last year has been hard - as you all know - is an understatement. I work in the medical field - so never had to worry about losing my job - which was a blessing - but also extremely stressful working during a pandemic when no one knew from day to day what was going to happen.

I have recently decided to retire - which is definitely a good thing - but brings on its on stresses - financial decisions - income considerations - health insurance.

We recently learned my sister - who is truly my best friend - may have non-Hodgkins lymphoma - she is currently at MD Anderson for tests. Before - my H would have just brushed off my concerns - not even asking about her unless I bought it up.

Yesterday was her first round of test - the first thing he asked when he got home from work was if I had talked to her and how did everything go. He then said he wished he could tell me everything was going to be ok - but of course he couldn't promise that - but he is here when I need to talk - a shoulder to cry on - or just a hug.

His support emotionally through all of this he made our R so much stronger - had he reverted to his old ways I think it would have been a huge step backwards.

Time heals what reason cannot. Seneca

First the truth. Then, maybe, reconciliation. Louise Penny

posts: 603   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2014   ·   location: Indiana
id 8661890
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 3:04 AM on Sunday, May 23rd, 2021

Glad he gets it. You are lucky.

Hope your sister gets some positive news.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 13257   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8661936
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 5:00 AM on Sunday, May 23rd, 2021

I have noticed it with my H as well...which has helped to speed up the healing process .

I am happy to see your H helping you through this time with your sister. I will pray for a good recovery for her (((HUGS))).

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6479   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8661948
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CaptainRogers ( member #57127) posted at 2:46 PM on Sunday, May 23rd, 2021

And I noticed it from the other side. A little over 2 years ago, my dad (who was 67 then) had a heart attack. Being the one who lives 1000 miles away (my siblings lived anywhere from 8 miles to 800 feet away), I was carrying a fair amount of stress because I only got a daily update.

When I first learned of his heart attack, my wife said "Yeah, it sucks not knowing if you will see your dad again." And then never asked another question about how he was doing.

So, yeah, the non-A things can certainly shine a light on all the attributes in the one who is supposed to be on your team and supporting you.

BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical

posts: 3345   ·   registered: Jan. 27th, 2017   ·   location: The Rockies
id 8661982
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GTeamReboot ( member #72633) posted at 2:22 AM on Friday, May 28th, 2021

I had a really hurtful falling out with a friend, something that felt stupid and unfair. This happened right around the first DDay anniversary. Horrible timing. Feeling unable to trust a female friend as I coped with double friend double betrayal made it extra hard. Hubby was really angry for me and much more supportive and patient with me than he would have been in the past. I think for one thing he was glad to be helping me with pain instead of being the one who caused it. And allowing him to be that for me was helpful for rebuilding trust.

Me- BW, 45 (FWH, 47); DDay Oct 2019 - Double Betrayal (x2) during Aug-Sept 2018. Hard at work in R! Whole story in Bio
I tend to make little edits for clarity and typos!

posts: 501   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2020
id 8663251
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 6:32 PM on Friday, May 28th, 2021

Yes. I think an issue outside of infidelity can help distinguish between WSes and fWSes.

Almost 5 years after d-day, my mom fell, stayed on the floor overnight, almost died. She had to go through rehab and moving from her own apartment to assisted living, etc.

W just joined in the work. She took the lead in navigating some bureaucratic red tape that my brother and I would have found very frustrating. She just did it as if she was a full-fledged member of the family - which she was.

I distinctly remember noticing what she did and how she did it. I was very grateful, and I remembering being very glad I had R'ed.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 28660   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8663515
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 7:11 PM on Friday, May 28th, 2021

His support emotionally through all of this he made our R so much stronger - had he reverted to his old ways I think it would have been a huge step backwards.

Infidelity seems to throw everything that was in the old dead marriage and any attempt at a new marriage into sharp relief. The wayward spouse is now under a microscope, and there are many things that a betrayed spouse never thought about before to now give them great pause.

Betrayed spouses begin to examine everything with a critical eye and slow everything down to think about each issue carefully. Conversations are parsed carefully for meaning and subtext, as they should be. Actions, or lack of actions, are closely watched and noticed.

I believe nothing but good can come from this for the BS's own sake -- whether the option is to R or D.

[This message edited by Thumos at 1:12 PM, May 28th (Friday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4598   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8663537
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Ladybugmaam ( member #69881) posted at 4:58 PM on Saturday, May 29th, 2021

I noticed the same thing. FWH is much more supportive than he was before the A. He's a much better husband in general. I'm weirdly grateful for that - but not how we got here.

EA DD 11/2018
PA DD 2/25/19
One teen son
I am a phoenix.

posts: 353   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2019
id 8663739
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