SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The deadlines and metrics are more for you than your wayward. She doesn't need to know them, but you should have them firmly defined and be prepared to pull the trigger. The basics you are asking for shouldn't take the 90s days. Delaying the inevitable when she fails for separation doesn't make sense. Go straight to D.

Delaying the inevitable when she fails for separation doesn't make sense. Go straight to D.

Thanks, the one part of my plan that I put in there for a year of separation prior to divorce is to see if she pulls her head out of her ass. I suppose that could happen at any point in the mandatory 6 months waiting period and I could call off the divorce at any point.

In the end I imagine she wouldn't move an inch until the date of separation. Then again on the date of divorce. And by then, all the truth in the world is worthless, along with any gains she made, the saying that the A didn't really kill the marriage, it was everything after rings true. I give her chance after chance, that by the time I get what I have been asking for, I won't care anyways.

I need help holding my feet to the fire in terms of delaying the inevitable.

I'm not in R, but I agree that the timeline won't be a magic bullet to healing.

However, unwillingness to do a timeline/poly is, IMHO, a major factor for a WS not being worthy of R.

The timeline -and the ways in which is forces the "fragile ego" to take a cold, hard, realistic view of the actions - is also VERY important for the WS' work. It's not ONLY for the BS.

thanks gmc, this is why the timeline matters to me. I probably know everything there is to know. This is more my litmus test of her willingness to fix what she destroyed.

Still nothing out of the WW, all talk and no action.

Last night I purchased and downloaded "leave a cheater gain a life" audiobook. I always listen to audiobooks as I fall asleep at night (turned down so only I can hear it). She happened to look over at me as I was hitting play. I was rolled over so she wouldn't see what I was doing, but she saw. fight ensues. I was tired so I literally fell asleep in the middle of our argument. I remember her waking me up to continue to yell at me, this time it was for getting her all worked up, which means she will be up all night, while I was snoring away. I love that I can sleep normally anywhere under any circumstance, like being berated for listening to an audiobook that paints her in a bad light. I could sleep standing up, and have done it before.

anyways, that is where I am today. nothing really new to report since she's not yet budging.

Defensiveness is a killer.

Imagine if she had the empathy to understand she did the damage that has caused you to seek this kind of information and support. Imagine a world where she sees you looking at an infidelity support site or listening to that audiobook and instead of a fight ensuing she says, "You do what you need to heal, I'm sorry about what I've done.

Let me know if I'm showing any behaviors you think are damaging our recovery."

"You do what you need to heal, I'm sorry about what I've done.

Let me know if I'm showing any behaviors you think are damaging our recovery."

Yeah, so that timeline I asked you for 20 months ago...

I don't think I would be here if she said something like this to me, there would be no need.

Just trying to give you an idea of what reconciliation can look like. Right now, it almost seems like you are walking on eggshells and feeling like the bad guy for bringing up the same topic for the hundredth time because she keeps failing to follow through. It's almost like it wasn't the final ask because you are unwilling to wait, it's because you aren't willing to deal with her bullshit another time, and you know that her bullshit is waiting for you if you bring it up another time.

I suppose that could happen at any point in the mandatory 6 months waiting period and I could call off the divorce at any point.

So you already have 90-120s days + six months. Just file for D if she hasn't progressed by then. That gives her 9 more months from now to change your mind. If she can't be bothered to do sufficient work in that time frame she'll never be a good candidate for R with you.

Just trying to give you an idea of what reconciliation can look like. Right now, it almost seems like you are walking on eggshells and feeling like the bad guy for bringing up the same topic for the hundredth time because she keeps failing to follow through. It's almost like it wasn't the final ask because you are unwilling to wait, it's because you aren't willing to deal with her bullshit another time, and you know that her bullshit is waiting for you if you bring it up another time.

I greatly appreciate your comments, and you are 100% correct, eggshells and all.

I already know I will be the bad guy that is breaking apart her family and ripping the kid's happy home from them. Total horseshit, but that is the weapon she will wield. I don't understand why go through all of this, instead put the goddamn phone down for a few hours and put pen to paper.

Hopefully, she will take full advantage of SI.com. Mine posted and then ran off with her tail between her legs when confronted by the raw data of how she's behaved after posting here and being confronted by the unbiased feedback SI.com has to offer.

Stick to your guns dude. The same-old-dance gets really old after so many go 'rounds.

[This message edited by NotMyFirstRodeo at 4:51 PM, June 1st (Tuesday)]

I don't understand why go through all of this, instead put the goddamn phone down for a few hours and put pen to paper.

You're getting it. It's because they can't muster the will to put in a fraction of the time and energy to giving you a timeline as they spent on the affair. Tells you a lot.

Have you told her there isn’t going to be a “next house”?

OP - I havnt read your back story but your current situation of a WW that can’t bring herself to do the things she needs to do to maybe achieve what she says she wants sounds very similar to mine

So my experience

My WGF wanted to focus only on the positive outcomes of her A, the HB, my pick me dance, the connection we formed during those 1st 9 months post Dday. She did not want to accept any of the consequences of her A such as full transparency, reduced trust, going NC which would mean leaving a job that she loves etc. I never got a timeline and she has only ever copped for anything which I knew (I know pretty much everything except what is inside her head)

At around 12 months my own self loathing for “rewarding her affair” went into overdrive, coupled with the season of antiversaries and a couple of month later I had the same talk you had.

Now I know that WGF loves Twodozen I honestly have no doubt about it but she is incapable of taking the bull by the horns and doing the things I asked for. Her coping skills, FOO whatever mean she sees all these things as controlling behaviours and she is happier to take the consequences of S over the compromises of R.

Be prepared for love bombing levels to go into overdrive, stay strong and keep your line in the sand.

I am 3 or 4 weeks away from closing on my new home and this drastic action has made no difference to what WGF was prepared to do to achieve R.

Do not use D as a manipulation tool, decide if you can live like you are or not and move to D if she can’t meet your demands. It will be hard and the rose tinted glasses and hopium pipe will always be close to hand.

Wishing you strength brother

TD

Why would she do a timeline? You’ve shown her for 19 months she doesn’t have too.

You seem afraid she’s gonna make you the bad guy? Seriously? Shes a damn cheater? What do you care what she thinks?

Sorry man but it sounds to me like you’re foot dragging because you’re afraid to make a decision.

All you’re doing is locking yourself in limbo.

[This message edited by Marz at 4:20 PM, June 2nd (Wednesday)]

I was rolled over so she wouldn't see what I was doing, but she saw. fight ensues. I was tired so I literally fell asleep in the middle of our argument. I remember her waking me up to continue to yell at me, this time it was for getting her all worked up

You do realize her attitude is not what reconciliation looks like.

My advice. Stop smoking hopium and let poor muffin go.

I don't understand why go through all of this, instead put the goddamn phone down for a few hours and put pen to paper.

The answer is quite simple when you look at it objectively.... it is because you and the relationship is not worth the effort.

The amount of effort a WS puts into being safe for the BS, gives an indication of how much the WS values the BS.

If the WS puts in a Herculean effort, then there is a chance to embark on the R path. This does not automatically mean a successful R by any means, but it gives a higher chance of a successful R being achieved.

this drastic action has made no difference to what WGF was prepared to do to achieve R.

That's when you know. I was in-house separated for a year before I left and xWS made no effort whatsoever on himself or in wanting to save the M. Still to this day he would rather send me annoying texts about how I am to blame for leaving and breaking up the family.

Some of these WS's sure know how to spin it.

elKAPPYtan the fact that your WS got mad instead of concerned about how to make things better says a lot. I'm not sure she is R material.

I have instant regrets for telling her about this place. I thought she would use this place as a resource, a safe place to share with folks that have been in the same situation as we are now. To learn, to ask questions, to get help. Instead she uses this place to follow what I write and yell at me about it. Last night, big blowup fight about it. I told her to write that timeline out and shove it up her ass because I no longer wanted it.

I literally have no safe place to go anymore. My bestfriend and best man in my wedding texted me "I'm sorry man" when I told him 19 months ago my wife cheated, haven't heard from him since that text (his wife is a piece of work). I didn't click with my last therapist, so I don't have one now and we have to save all the $ possible on our FSA for the kids n stuff. My father and my cousin are the only other people who know. If I were to ever need something, my dad will talk with me but other than that, he's a man of very few words. I have no other friends or family, minus my cousin in NY who has been really good to talk to.

I've made so many mis-steps in this process. I never wanted my wife to cheat and I never wanted a divorce. So unfair that I am the one that has to live with shitty option A or choose shitty option B. Not just live with it, but actually be the one that chooses.

Thank you all for listening. Thank you so much for your help. I will pay it forward when I figure my way out of this shit, I promise.

[This message edited by elKAPPYtan at 1:23 PM, June 3rd (Thursday)]

I really feel for you, elKAPPYtan.

I had a good network of real life friends to talk to about this. I understand the feeling of losing your safe space and having it turned as a weapon against you. It didn't exactly happen on this site (it almost did), but it did happen with a private conversation I had with one of my friends that I accidentally left open on my gaming PC that my wife ended up seeing where I was complaining how unfair affairs are. That might wife cheated and I was gonna have to deal with it, and if we got divorced, I would have to pay alimony, and that my wife clearly didn't want to do the work for R. I didn't handle that confrontation well to be perfectly honest. I did tell her, "there is nothing in that conversation that I haven't told you factually, it's just a more unvarnished version of the same facts." Did stop her jumping down my throat and me eventually apologizing (!?) for it. I had nothing to apologize for looking back on it. Nice little case of DARVO there.

There is an uncomfortable truth that a lot of BSs refuse to accept-

A lot of people are just not good life partners, wives, husbands, or even friends. Flat out...they aren't and will not be. If you keep them in your life, you get what they do to you...and it's not a secret as they show you who they are.

The decision is on the BS...to keep a snake around and be all shocked when it bites them...or get rid of the snake that was always a snake, even when wearing pretty clothes.

EK, don't wait. See a lawyer right away. Figure out how to separate even on paper if you can't move out. Start the process in some shape or form and keep talking to us if you have no one else.

In the mean time, leave the room when she starts to fight with you. Leave the house if you have to. Document it. Is there any way you can ask your brother or father to come over and visit as a buffer and witness to her behavior if she wants to fight?