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Newest Member: MamaTo7

Reconciliation :
Had my final talk with WW

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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 9:19 PM on Thursday, June 3rd, 2021

So it’s been nearly one week now since you made yourself clear.

No timeline yet? Didn’t think so.

I gave my WW this ultimatum and then waited an additional four months before I finally got it. Really. No, really.

Don’t be me.

Two days should have been more than enough time for my WW and for yours.

A week of futzing around is an act of profound disrespect after you’ve asked and asked and asked.

I’m willing to bet she hasn’t committed one word to paper.

I’m assuming your WW is a normal intelligent human being with operating executive functions and the ability to compose coherent sentences in writing.

Do with that information what you will.

[This message edited by Thumos at 3:21 PM, June 3rd (Thursday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4598   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8664804
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HowCouldSheDoIt ( member #78431) posted at 9:24 PM on Thursday, June 3rd, 2021

EK I'm so sorry for your troubles. There's a reason I don't tell my WW about this place, I think it is a special WS that will take responsibility for supporting and helping their BS and use this site to learn and help support.

I believe if I showed this site to my WW it would be a weapon for her to use as well.

FWIW, my WW has not done or had any interest in doing any research or learning how to help R. I don't know all of your story but I'm guessing your WW to be similar.

I love your analysis of shitty option A and so B. That's exactly what it feels like, especially with a defiant, uncooperative, argumentative WS.

Me: BH Early 50's
Her: WW Early 50's
D-Day Nov 2020
Married 21 years before D-Day
3 children
Working toward reconciling. The most difficult thing I've had to do in my life.

posts: 307   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2021
id 8664806
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stubbornft ( member #49614) posted at 9:41 PM on Thursday, June 3rd, 2021

I told her to write that timeline out and shove it up her ass because I no longer wanted it.

Exactly what she wants?

Me: BS 40 Him: WS 51 He cheated with massage parlor sex workersDday 01/19/2021
Kicked him out in 2021 - life is better on the other side. Moved on with the help of a wonderful therapist.

posts: 846   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015   ·   location: TX
id 8664811
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NotMyFirstRodeo ( member #75220) posted at 12:07 AM on Friday, June 4th, 2021

Thumos hit the nail on the head with the timeline.

In its simplest terms (as I have previously read here):

If the WS is truly remorseful and value you, they will "walk through glass" for you.

If they don't, well...you'll know and when it comes to timelines and the truth, the proof is in the pudding.

Bro, your gut won't lie to you. Which camp does your WW fall into?

Every lie we tell incurs a debt to the truth. Sooner or later that debt is paid.

posts: 362   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2020
id 8664850
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 2:35 PM on Friday, June 4th, 2021

If the WS is truly remorseful and value you, they will "walk through glass" for you.


That's what it takes for both the BS & WS to successfully R. If they aren't in it for keeps, it's better to move straight to D.

posts: 1464   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8664969
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 6:25 PM on Friday, June 4th, 2021

IDK ... my W realized she hurt herself greatly by cheating, and she decided to stop hurting herself. She would not walk through glass for me. She would not hurt herself to keep me. I was good with that.

The reason I was good was that she had decided to tell the truth. she decided to answer questions honestly - no blame-shifting, no minimizing, no gaslighting, just honest answers.

That didn't guarantee R. It did, however, guarantee that I'd get the answers I needed - if I asked the really scary questions - to know if R was possible.

KAPPY, It doesn't matter whether your W does or does not deliver what you asked for. Delivering makes R possible. Not delivering tells you it's not.

She's giving you the info you need to make your decision.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 28660   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8665121
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DIFM ( member #1703) posted at 7:06 PM on Friday, June 4th, 2021

She's giving you the info you need to make your decision.

elKAPPYtan, it is a very hard pill to swallow, but what sisoon wrote is really what everything distills to. Her words and actions are not ambiguous. You previously drew a line in the sand.

You either have the line or you do not. Her part is done. It has been made clear who you are dealing with - what you are faced with. That part is over. Now is when you must decide what you must do.......and waiting for the passage of time for those reactions to change, is not a sound or safe plan.

[This message edited by DIFM at 1:08 PM, June 4th, 2021 (Friday)]

posts: 1757   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2003
id 8665140
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