SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How is it fair?

How do you deal with the fact that the wayward spouse gets to have all the fun, the sex and the excitement.

They take the chance, take up the opportunity and then when the shit hits the fan, all they have to do is sit tight and wait. Say the right things and hope that they don't loose their life. the life that they were willing to put on the line and gamble for a bit of excitement with someone new.

They just have to wait for the betrayed spouse to get over the pain. Even if thats a year, 2 years, 3 years or whatever, they just sit tight and wait.

Because if you do manage to reconcile surely its all been worth it. They managed to get their cake and eat it. They had the sex and they managed to keep hold of their life. Its win, win for them and a massive lose for the betrayed.

But the betrayed life has been changed for ever. We will always have the scares, while they have the nice memories. No matter what they try and say.

Whether we stay in the betrayed relationship or move on. We will always carry around the burden of the waywards affair.

I asked my wife the exact same questions. She come out with some crap about, how she has to live with herself every single day knowing what she has done. I don't buy it.!!!

If you are a wayward and can convince me other wise. Please go ahead.

For context, I am a WS who ended my A and has not confessed

I can relate to what your WW has said. My A ended in 2016. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t feel remorse for what I’ve done. I simply cannot believe I was capable of the dishonesty and treachery that I perpetrated on my wife and child.

I can unequivocally say that it wasn’t worth it. What I sought from my AP was right in front of me in the form of my wife. I was too stupid to see that. The hellish part for me is this was all my doing and completely avoidable. I could have done a thousand different things than have an A. But I didn’t. I betrayed myself, my marriage and my wife. I have to live with that knowledge. That’s not a "Woe is me" statement. I did the crime, I have to do the time.

Of course this is so unfair to the BS. You’re stuck with two seemingly shitty choices; stay with a cheater and have a reminder of the A in your face every day. Or leave and only see your kids 1/2 the time, have your financial situation upended. And all of this because the person you trusted the most stabbed you in the back.

You are absolutely correct in that the cheater gets the fun and all that rebuke the cheater is left holding the bag.

No getting around that.

The betrayed is walloped in more ways than one.

They just have to wait for the betrayed spouse to get over the pain. Even if thats a year, 2 years, 3 years or whatever, they just sit tight and wait.

No that’s not the case for a truly remorseful and committed to Reconciliation and change WS.

Change is hard, a WS who is truly committed to an authentic reconciliation has a huge amount of work to do, arguably much more work than the BS, at least that’s what I expected from my WH. Was I floored? Was my pain horrendous and raw to the point I wanted to die? Yes. Did I have to work on my recovery? Yes. Did I also have to change? Yes.

But I didn’t have to witness my responsibility of destroying another person and then had to work to change who I am fundamentally as my WH had to do.

Listen I’m not defending WSes, nor am I trying to build them a statue, the work they do (if they do it) benefits them in the first place and is a consequence of their action.

I also felt and thought that WS had all the fun and I took all the consequences. I don’t think that anymore. I don’t think it’s fun to realise you’re a sleazy liar who has no morals and integrity and if you don’t change you’ll lose everything you want in life.

I don’t think it’s fun to spend years questioning your decision making because you know you aren’t trustworthy of making the right decision.

This is my view at least at 5 years out.

[This message edited by Luna10 at 1:19 PM, Thursday, July 7th]

In my situation at least, I don’t think it’s been better/easier for my wayward husband than it has for me. Different, yes, but he’s had a really hard row to hoe, too. I don’t think wayward partners deserve sympathy in the way betrayed partners do, because waywards are the ones who made the choice to torpedo their relationship, but I think a wayward who actually cares about their partner and wants to rebuild the relationship is doing a lot more than waiting around for their spouse to get over it. And I do think having to live with yourself after making such selfish, shitty choices is an actual hardship for a person who has a moral compass. I wish to God my husband hadn’t had an affair, but I would rather be in my shoes than his. At least I have my integrity.

I understand how you feel, though. I felt that way at first too, that he got the joy ride and I got the consequences. It’s just that two years out, I’ve got enough distance to see that it’s been insanely hard for both of us, not just me.

BS here. Almost 10 years now…..

My WS gets to live with the new me.

The me that doesn’t trust him. Ever. Again.

The me that is absent and boring in sex. Likely forever. That part of me is gone.

The me that watches him, calculating how his next move will fuck everything up.

The me that has such walls….. I am a professional wall builder.

The me that will be fine when he’s gone.

His affairs changed me. I’m just dead. I mean, I would be dead with anyone else, too. So he gets to live with this (me).

I’d be living with me anyway.

I’m never doing this (relationships) ever again.

Meh, he probably doesn’t care or even notice.

[This message edited by 3yrsout at 1:05 PM, Thursday, July 7th]

My Dad cheated on my Mum, divorced, then married the AP. He died 35 years later. His relationship with his kids was not quite what it might have been. Too many compromises. Too much disappointment.

About a month from the end he asked ‘was I a good father’. I answered ‘no’. He said ‘it wasn’t easy’. Then I took him to palliative care. I loved him, but I’m a husband and father now. Our relationship was damaged but good enough for him to have the truth from me. He wasn’t a good father because he was a cheat.

One of my childhood friends lost his father last week. It was all glowing tributes. I knew the man well. I agree. I wish I could have been able to say that honestly to my father when he was dying.

I am sure my Dad thought his affair was worth it. It came with some real consequences though. He had to pedal pretty hard to keep those thoughts from intruding regularly. It kind of blasted the first half of his life to smithereens and left a bunch of permanently hurt people around, some of whom he still cared about. It taught me I don’t want that.

It's possible some waywards may think they got away with it and think back fondly.
However, I believe most remorseful waywards, those that show their remorse through action during R or D, do not sit back and think fondly of their A. Exactly the opposite, actually.

Think of it this way: you go to a party, get drunk, meet a person and have a ONS. The sex is good. He or she was exciting. Then you drive home drunk and hit someone who ends up permanently in a wheelchair. Are you going to think back fondly on the party and the sex you had that night?

This is an interesting topic. I think I go back and forth between this notion, and similar to what others have written. 18ish months out from D-Day and I'm a BW.

I can safely say my WH is genuinely remorseful for his actions. Any question I ask he responds to with empathy, and answers everything truthfully, even when it makes himself look bad.

And my WH has to live with that. I think truly remorseful spouses do have a difficult time. I've had conversations with my WH, where he expresses that he wonders if he's a horrible person to have done what he did. Expresses him own disappointment in himself and disbelief that he could be the kind of person who does those things.

Hes worked hard to be a better man. And he is in so many ways, he's the man now that I wish he'd been all along.

But there are things he's lost that he will never have, and he has to accept that too. He wishes that I would trust him, but he knows I probably never will fully, ever again. He knows now that my love for him now is different. And now that he's realised what he was doing before, he does miss the adoration and deep love I used to have for him. So yeah, there are things he's lost, things he has to live with.

But it's a different kind of pain and hurt than what I've been through. He loves me now, but doesnt get to have the love I was willing to give him before.

A regretful spouse, probably doesn't suffer in that way, but... they will suffer in other ways, like never truly being happy and fulfilled because they're not willing to face the discomfort of who they are to be doing the things they've done. There's pain in different ways.

I think the pain as a BS though centre's more around grief, loss, disbelief, a shattering of trust and core beliefs we held, plus the trauma of triggers and flashbacks, PTSD, etc. Which is different and not comparable really.

It's never really fair because we get put here by someone else's actions done to us, they get there by their own doing. The scales never really balance. 🤷🏼‍♀️

It's one of the unfair realities of reconciliation. And it's hard to accept. I still struggle with it.

[This message edited by SomethingOminous at 2:45 PM, Thursday, July 7th]

BS here. In the fog of the affair, I'm sure my FWH was "having all the fun". He was cake eating. Though there were moments when I caught both he and my former friend/OW in an incredible amount of guilt....tears. I remember him suddenly becoming MUCH more engaged. Now I know it was because he felt guilty. I just didn't know what I was looking at at the time. My FWH couldn't just "sit and wait" and expect me to do the work I would need to do to heal AND stay in our marriage. There was no sitting. Not defending him at all.....but he had to do much of the heavy lifting. I wasn't capable of it.

I have a couple of female friends who were both the WWs. Both ended multiple marriages over it. AND, both confirm that in watching how my FWH and I have handled this was definitely NOT the easy way out for either party. Definitely the much harder road. And, for me, while I hate why we got here.....it is worth it.

I believe that my WH has played the waiting game.

He enjoyed his A and all of the attention he received while it was going on. He enjoyed his happy marriage enough to take it for granted and have an A.

He hunkered down during my anger phase(s). He did the minimum and drug things out, asking for more time to "work on" himself. He stuck his head in the sand and let everything fall out around him. Now we have walls and lack closeness. We have a dead bedroom (Us??? How did that happen to us???).

I guess he's happy now. He has his car. He spends most of his time working on that. He's there when I need him. During the past 4 months, when I've been incapable, he's taken care of me and everything around the house...

While I do agree that the A is unfair, M 2.0 is much better for me functionally. I think there was a thread once about "If your M had to have an A, would you rather be the BS or WS." I was in the minority to say WS.

After my wife started doing the heavy lifting and leading the main efforts in R, thing got better pretty quickly. Furthermore, I now have more overall power in the M. Not because I'm actively holding the A against her as a weapon but because my tolerance for compromise is forever reduced. I can always leave and find a new life if this one isn't good enough.

I'm not here to convince you of anything. I'm here to tell you. I find this post completely offensive, out of touch, just plain mean, meant to spread hate and division and more than anything, meant to compare pain and somehow seek sympathy by pretending that WS's don't have any reason to be anything but overjoyed by their experience.

It is not my intention to minimize the pain and burden and life-changing trauma that every BS goes through. That's a pain that's been compared to death and war and found to be just as traumatic, if not moreso. I would never minimize the pain a BS feels or try to degrade them for feeling that way. But that doesn't mean they "own the market" on pain, or that the pain of others, even WS's, doesn't exist or doesn't matter. Big middle finger up on that one.

This post makes it seems as if a WS's life is sparkly rainbows and unicorns after an affair. Oh wee! Yay! My marriage is over and my spouse hates me more than Hitler! Oh joy! I ruined my kids ability to trust anyone in a relationship ever again! What a blessing! I think back about living a double life, looking over my shoulder every moment, the stress and anxiety, being buried under lies and deceptions and hiding every facet of my life, and I think, "Gosh I miss those days!". And the best part is, I got to go through 50 years of trauma and C-PTSD until I had a literal mental breakdown and my mind shattered itself from the damage done to me as a kid, the abuse, the neglect, the child rape... yes, those loving, wonderful things that I got to go through and broke my ability to learn to love myself or anyone else, and as a very special reward for that, I got to repeat the same things on my wife and kids and now they can share my wonderful life too! Life doesn't get any better than that, does it! FUN FUN FUN!

I'm sorry you're hurt. Truly, I am. You didn't deserve it then and still don't now. It will never be "okay". It will never be fair. It will never be forgotten or minimized. It will suck until the day you die. For those things, you have my sympathy and understanding. I am sorry you have to suffer this way. It isn't right. And it isn't fair that you or any other BS has to go through the bullshit aftermath of more lies, TT, gas-lighting and the complete lack of empathy and ownership that most WS's (myself included) put their BS's through. I don't blame any BS for hating WS's. It's a reasonable way to feel about someone who did so much damage to you, and doesn't even seem to have to deceny to "get it".

That being said, if you haven't walked a mile in another's shoes, then not let's go defining what the experience is like for the other person. Adultery isn't like you see on an episode of
"Desperate Housewives". It isn't hot, passionate, amazing sex with someone who looks like a model. It isn't a love story like "Bridges of Madison County". You might look at a drunk person dancing on a table and think, "Oh, see, they are having great fun", but if you actually know any alcoholics, you'll know that being an alcoholic is gross, deadly, painful, family-splitting, job-losing, feeling-worthless, wanting to die and doing so by drinking yourself to death kind of thing. Saying it's FUN because you saw them dancing on the table (shortly before puking, falling down, getting hurt and then kicked out of the bar and fined for damages) is kinda myopic, you know?

I'm so upset my hands are shaking and I can barely type these words.

You are entitled to your opinion of course, and if that's how you feel, then that's how you feel. I can't stop that. But let's stop the narrative that BS's suffer and WS's are happy little fairies and that having an affair somehow makes all the pain afterward "totally worth it and FUN FUN FUN". That's bullshit and I don't have the words (and that's really saying something) to describe how offensive and belittling and demeaning it is.

WS's aren't "great people" for having an affair. But no one has an affair who isn't already broken in the first place. No one who loves themselves has an affair. No one who has healthy boundaries and a sense of dignity and purpose has an affair. No one who is capable of being a decent human being in the first place has an affair because they were bored and it sounded like a good time. WS's are broken people who, like other addicts, end up making their own pain worse with their own, stupid and ill-conceived actions. We don't poop rainbows after having an affair. There are several stories on SI of WS's committing suicide after an affair. Happy happy joy joy?

I'm certain you'd be pissed if someone else minimized and trivialized your pain and experience. Again, I'm sorry this happened to you, and that your life has been altered in ways that you never asked for or wanted. It will never be okay, and I don't expect you will ever feel safe again in some regards. And to be fair, you have no responsibility whatsoever to try and understand what a WS feels or experiences or goes through. If you had been mugged instead of cheated on, I wouldn't expect you to feel sympathy for your mugger. Fair enough. But let's also not pretend that spending years getting your ass beat and raped in jail is a delight because he got the FUN of mugging you first. Hurt people hurt people.

Why this was posted in the R forum is beyond me. Nothing about this has to do with R.

As an aside, thank you to the BS's who came back and posted their thoughts and experiences as well. I know not every BS feels this way, and every situation is unique unto itself. But holy hell, am I tired of hearing how WS's don't seem to even have a right to their own pain and regret and remorse for the dumb-ass decisions they made.

Yes, WS's who don't do the work and choose to instead remain in "la la land" may seem like they don't give a shit, much like a heroin user doesn't give a shit about their own life or those of the people that love them, because the addiction overrides their ability to think and feel clearly. That doesn't mean they don't feel. It means they are too broken to respond to that pain in a healthy way, and can't think of others because they (currently) lack the coping skills to do so. Lacking an ability, and being an asshole, are two different things. Assholes are assholes because they enjoy being assholes. Broken people are assholes because they are broken. Assholes never change. Broken people sometimes do.

Yes, WS's who don't do the work and choose to instead remain in "la la land" may seem like they don't give a shit, much like a heroin user doesn't give a shit about their own life or those of the people that love them, because the addiction overrides their ability to think and feel clearly.

In general I’m in agreement with what you wrote with the only amendment that broken people, such as WSes are, similar to addicts, rarely want to look at themselves in the mirror. I’ve lost two close people to self destructive behaviour due to their inability to face themselves and their damaging behaviour.

So while you talk about how the WSes feel I think it’s worth adding the pronoun "some". I think it is a given that those on SI are those who are generally willing to face who they are and want to change. (Excepting the ones that post for their spouses). There are some outside of SI too. But I’ll be honest, the number of WSes that adopt the "I said I was sorry, what else do you want me to do" attitude is overwhelming in real life by what I can see.

So I think we need to be careful in not trying to generalise that ALL WSes feel all that you describe DaddyDom and convince their BSes they do. I think the respective WS needs to do that convincing, not strangers on the internet. I’ll be honest again, I’ve followed the OPs story and I’m not yet convinced his WS is actually doing all the work, I may be wrong though, it takes time anyway.

Back to stories of WSes who don’t face themselves, my FIL left his wife for the ow. His kids never spoke to him again. He does not know his grandchildren (he has 5). When he dies we don’t know who we could inform as we don’t know his kids. He’ll be buried by his step kids who had a fractured relationship with him anyway due to him not being very nice when they were young. By all appearances he’s happy. I can only imagine though how much mental gymnastics he must have done to learn to live with not seeing his kids and meeting his grandchildren.

Daddy Dom you make some excellent points. For those that are real and have made a mistake, the consequences of an affair are truly devastating.

However from a BS point of view, there is a period wherein the BS knows of the affair. Yet the cheater continues to lie and cheat. What we witness as a BS is that the cheater is enjoying the affair - otherwise why would they do it?

For me personally I was being played like a yo-yo. I was doing everything to R while my H was cheating and making sure I knew how "unhappily married" he was.

Yes after the fact my H is remorseful etc. and yes he wishes it never happened. But the cheater chooses to cheat.

The BS suffers because of a selfish choice made by someone else.

Yes it’s all bad. It’s all terrible. But for some cheaters they don’t care about the BS. And yes they enjoy the affair and have a good time before, during and after it. How sad.

Im really sorry if I have caused any offence as that was not my intention.

I do see that I have upset a few people by expressing my opinion and questions with regards to this post.

I do understand that pain is not just reserved for the betrayed and the wayward also has a right to feel this way too.

Once again I'm really sorry for any offence I have cause and I will asked for the post to be removed

I don’t believe your post has to be removed and whilst I understand a WS taking it personally, I believe the feelings you express are exactly where they should be in your timeline.

We all go through "gee thanks! You had lots of fun, got to experience butterflies again, new sex, all the excitement and here I am wishing to die whilst you sleep soundly at night". It’s normal to feel that.

As I said above, I disagree that is the case for a WS who is truly owning up their shit (no doubt it felt like that during the A but once they start owning up reality sets in), it is only for your WW to convince you that’s not the case and for you to assess if it was worth staying.

I/We can only give you examples from our own experience.

[This message edited by Luna10 at 5:00 PM, Thursday, July 7th]

p12241342

Thank you. For what it is worth, it is the "viewpoint" that upset me, not YOU. I see this viewpoint often and so it kinda just bundles up over time (something I assume a BS would also understand). And also for what it is worth, it's your post, but I'd prefer it stay up, as it may serve to get some more opinions and ideas, which is what SI is all about. It's better when we all talk things through, even the tough and hurtful things. It is just as important to do so as a community as it is to do so as a couple.

Thanks again for your reply, it helped.

And again, sorry you were put into a position of having to make this post in the first place.

I don’t think your post should be removed.

A lot of BS are codependent. You made some people upset, and maybe they should look more closely at their reactions. When things make someone upset, there is always something unfinished there for them….. you are not responsible for fixing other people’s feelings.

I would rather have been the WS. For me it would have been an exit affair. Maybe I’d still believe in true love, just convinced it wasn’t with my BS. Now, I have lost any faith that people do the right thing. People do not do the right thing. I’m always the one doing the right thing. It gets old. Really really really old.

My WS had his affairs because of childhood abuse, (but so was I, and I didn’t have sex with multiple strangers in my family car…. Wonder if he removed the car seats? If he put them back, he never could get them in quite right. I wonder if I drove the kids around in loose car seats because he wanted extra room in the back row.)

Your post is valid. You have likely been silenced and minimized by your own WS. You have a voice here. Feel free to use it.

Again, posts that upset people can result in growth. I agree that this is where you should be.

It’s not comparing pain, it’s wishing your pain was not yours. Sometimes when you’re dying of cancer, a heart attack seems better. You’re not minimizing a heart attack. I hear you. I shouldn’t have to think about car seats, I’d much rather contemplate death by heart attack, or whether I married the wrong person. Instead, love doesn’t exist and I drove around with loose carseats. And none of it mattered.

If it makes you feel better, we are all dying. WS, BS, AP, our kids. Everyone. And it doesn’t matter. No one cares.

Use the time you have left to do what you want for yourself. Don’t take down your post.

I wonder if Cheerios from the kids and their usual messes under the car seats stuck to anyone’s ass. That’s a fun thought right there.

[This message edited by 3yrsout at 5:20 PM, Thursday, July 7th]

I understand, brother. It never ceases to amaze me just how hard and how deep the betrayal of infidelity hits the betrayed spouse. As one member put it: "It hit me in my DNA." The sheer injustice of it all is both difficult to understand and even more difficult to swallow.

It is extremely hard to see past one's own pain when the level of that pain is wholly unfamiliar and overwhelming. I understand. I've been there and done that, as have countless other betrayed spouses. Even when healed, the scars remain.

I believe that infidelity is a base and self-destructive coping mechanism (an extremely unhealthy one). People who cheated are looking to fill a void within themselves which they either cannot or will not attempt to fill on their own. They're constantly looking to others to fill that void, failing comprehend that it's their own responsibility. In other words, ultimately, we are all responsible for our own happiness and well-being. While others can, and will, bring joy or sorrow into our lives, they cannot make us happy or make us miserable. That is a choice (a gazillion choices, really) we must all make for ourselves.

Trapped in a nightmare of their own creation, the wayward spouse reaches a breaking point and seeks out a temporary "fix," blithely ignoring the inescapable fact that they are blowing-up their own lives. We, the betrayed, are but the collateral damage.

...when the shit hits the fan, all they have to do is sit tight and wait. Say the right things and hope...

Really? Is that all your WW has to do, sit tight and wait for you to heal, say the right things and hope? I find that hard to believe.

We will always carry around the burden of the waywards affair.

Nope! Not me, sir! Not my monkey and not my circus. That burden falls entirely upon my Ex. And not just because she's my Ex, either. Oh no. I adopted that policy long before we ever parted ways.