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Newest Member: Anderson78

Just Found Out :
20/20 Hindsight--What I wish I'd done

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Sodown ( member #2477) posted at 6:33 PM on Monday, February 4th, 2008

I am 3 mths out from my last d-day and mine is still denying it all to me, calling me crazy if I bring it up etc. he is only looking out for himself right now and Honestly I think he wants the house too, the boat is not enough so he is waiting for me to make the next move but I see no changes in him whatsoever. I am lining up my ducks now because I know he will never admit because eh thinks this is the way it is supposed to be with us., him having me and another all the time. Times will be changing things however and I will see him in hell before he gets my house too! Great advise for all Katherine!!

A dog will not tell you he has fleas but you can tell by the way he scratches. Graham Willets (Thanks to Treharris Mid Glamorgan)

posts: 4797   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2003   ·   location: anywhere but here...
id 2743785
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still confounded ( member #7826) posted at 1:15 PM on Saturday, February 9th, 2008

bump

"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

posts: 1329   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2005   ·   location: up the river, NY
id 2758737
smile1

miss me ( member #17723) posted at 3:44 AM on Tuesday, February 12th, 2008

I think I'm in love with you. Wow! you go girl. You are my new hero.I wish I was more like you.........

ME BS 41
HIM WS 43
TWO BOYS 22&17

MARRIED 23YRS
TOGETHER 24 YRS
D-D 12/03/07
False R
NC broken 02/29/08
Trying R again

06/28/08
GETTING DIVORCED
WISH I HAD DONE IT SOONER

DIVORCED 10/22/08


posts: 217   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2008   ·   location: Beautiful TN.
id 2765838
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still confounded ( member #7826) posted at 6:00 PM on Saturday, February 16th, 2008

bump

"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

posts: 1329   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2005   ·   location: up the river, NY
id 2780844
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whereIgofromhere ( member #17846) posted at 6:41 PM on Saturday, February 16th, 2008

This is really amazing!! Thank you so much. I just found out that I was in a false R, and this post just really makes me feel better about my decision to stick to my guns and kick him out!

BS - me (30)
Divorcing and not regretting it for one second!!

posts: 91   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2008
id 2780927
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movingonandup ( member #17820) posted at 6:50 PM on Saturday, February 16th, 2008

Excellent post. I'm having a really "down" day and this is just what I needed...thanks.

posts: 95   ·   registered: Jan. 20th, 2008   ·   location: Indiana
id 2780951
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 katherine41 (original poster member #5792) posted at 10:34 PM on Saturday, February 16th, 2008

for the new members and shockedone.

Hang in there. It gets better.

posts: 8212   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2004
id 2781289
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WhyNotMe ( new member #18026) posted at 10:53 PM on Saturday, February 16th, 2008

Thank you Katherine for your words of wisdom. I think about my core needs and it comes down to this ... I just want my life back. His choice took so much away from me. I hate being this sad suspicous, weak person. I believe he is scared to death to loose me, but our lives will never be the same. He said he did it because she made him feel wanted more than I did. Those are his words. I can tell you that I told him many times over our relationship that I didn't feel like he wanted me around, I didn't feel loved. He always laughed and said well I'm hear aren't I, I wouldn't be if I didn't want to be. Now he is throwing my words back at me, expecting me to believe that he has been feeling the same way I have. The difference is I told him and tried to work with him on it. He chose another woman. edbfvguihbadv! I hate him. He knows this and understands. We still have sex constantly, but I tell him it's not at all about him. I am weak and it makes me feel better for a bit but then I usually cry and occasionally get sick after, but I can't seem to control myself. Nothing in my little fucking world is in my control. I don't handle that well. I know I am rambling, but it feels good, even if no one reads it.

BW (Me) 37
WH (a**) 40
Together on and off 17 years.
8 years of marital efing bliss
D-Day EA Nov 2006
D-Day PA Jan 11, 2008
Just trying to survive the days.

posts: 28   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2008   ·   location: Hell
id 2781321
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BrokenOH ( member #7760) posted at 9:47 AM on Sunday, February 17th, 2008

Just a bump for our newbies...an excellent post!

Me: BW (39) Him: WH (Soon to be EX) (38)
OW1: Not a horrible person (NE) Looked just like me.
OW2: Bitch of epic proportions (AK) Not ugly
OW3: Smug, 24 year old Fat girl who looks like a manatee. Insecure and willing to accept a broken man.

posts: 783   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2005   ·   location: Southwest, PA
id 2782308
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Heartless Bytchh ( member #12347) posted at 10:00 AM on Sunday, February 17th, 2008

I wish I'd had this info 2 years ago.

I would've been able to avoid some false reconciliations and a lot of pain and heartache.

I could've been D'd by now.

I hope it helps others who come here.

[This message edited by Heartless Bytchh at 4:02 AM, February 17th (Sunday)]

Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

posts: 6066   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2006   ·   location: Another day in Paradise
id 2782310
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goneforgood ( member #17338) posted at 10:49 AM on Sunday, February 17th, 2008

katherine,

I guess I had it easy in that my WH never even SUGGESTED R in any way, shape or form. He made it clear right from the start that though he was prepared to stay married to me (and WANTED to), he had no intention of giving up the whore. His desire to stay married was solely for practical reasons.

I was a coward, but also I wanted to stay M for the sake of our young daughter. We did, and the A ended after ten months, but there was no attempt by either me or my WH to work on our M because we both knew it was over.

I feel for those who go through R, or try to. I know there are success stories, but they're rare, and personally, I think it is virtually impossible to completely recover from an A. I read once that it's like the breaking of a Waterford Crystal vase. You can stick the pieces back together, sure, but it will never be the same, never a complete whole. There will always be bits missing, bits about to fall off, bits which don't belong in the right place.

I agree with everything you say, particularly about them lying to the bitter end. That's the problem. You can NEVER believe them once they've taken the road of adultery. Never. Which is why I was glad I didn't go through the pains of attempted R. Yes, some make it (or so they say). But I NEVER could have done. I couldn't trust a man who was prepared to go to the lengths he did just to have his cheap trashy bit on the side.

And so we're separated - and I am SO glad we are. We'd been living a sham of a marriage for years. Good luck to those who try for a R - but you'll need a lot of strength and a lot of patience.

[This message edited by goneforgood at 4:50 AM, February 17th (Sunday)]

'One day when God says He wishes things had been different, I'll say, "Mmm, me too"...' (Songdog)

posts: 188   ·   registered: Dec. 10th, 2007   ·   location: UK
id 2782320
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pleasew8 ( member #17776) posted at 2:19 PM on Sunday, February 17th, 2008

Katherine,

This was advice I wished I had back in 1987 when I was pregnant with my first child and my husband admitted to an EA....I just swept it under the rug

I have had about 3 more D-days since then. 22 years of marriage and 3 kids later and in October I found out about a 4 1/2 year EA/PA with another woment as well as massage parlors, prostitutes and more. My WS is extremely remoreseful now....in IC, a sex addict program and MC with me. He is being the perfect remorseful WS, doing everything right.

I can't help but feel I could have skipped all this torment and pain if there was an internet and SI back in 1987.

Very good advice here and it makes my life feel like so much time wasted.....I still ask why was I not enough?

Me - BS-47
Him - FWH - 46 admitted sex addict
married 23 years together 30yrs
childhood sweethearts (or so I thought)
Kids - 3 boys
20yrs, 19 yrs, 15 yrs
D-days- too many
both in IC and MC
R is a lot of work.
Trying to make a different rela

posts: 100   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2008   ·   location: New Jersey
id 2782462
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IKnowNow ( member #12188) posted at 3:14 PM on Sunday, February 17th, 2008

Brilliant post Katherine!

We still have sex constantly, but I tell him it's not at all about him. I am weak and it makes me feel better for a bit but then I usually cry and occasionally get sick after, but I can't seem to control myself. Nothing in my little fucking world is in my control.

WhyNotMe, consider the sex excersiseand that you have chosen that form of excersise. There, you just took control of some excersise!

Me - BW.

A MLC is not a reason, it's an excuse! - Me.

posts: 731   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2006
id 2782556
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usedup ( member #11701) posted at 12:53 AM on Monday, February 18th, 2008

bump

posts: 15831   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2006   ·   location: found
id 2783864
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opera ( member #17218) posted at 12:56 AM on Monday, February 18th, 2008

this is a SPECIAL BUMP for a good friend in the UK - hope he finds it and it helps him!!!

hugs and kisses!!!

posts: 470   ·   registered: Nov. 29th, 2007   ·   location: Europe
id 2783875
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brohl5 ( member #13440) posted at 7:37 PM on Tuesday, February 19th, 2008

bump

I'm not going to let this define me anymore. He's gone and I couldn't be happier.

You couldn't have told me in July and December of 2006, but there really is a life after this mess.

Breathe, just breathe.

posts: 5674   ·   registered: Jan. 25th, 2007   ·   location: Indiana
id 2789233
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Kuwaited ( member #5491) posted at 7:43 PM on Tuesday, February 19th, 2008

Wow Katherine...I'm sure I must have read this when you first posted it, but I can't recall.

Being divorced now and making some of these mistakes...here's the one that would have to be most helpful had I thought enough about it at the time:

4. I wish I'd not given a damn if I made WS angry.

I ran around after d-day scared of making stbxh angry at me. Scared that he'd leave me. Ya know what? A remorseful WS isn't going to "leave you" just because they caught you snooping at the caller id on the cell phone. But a lying, still-cheating WS surely will bluster and get all up in arms.

Exactly so. Those of you that are new to this...keep this in mind. Indeed...attempt to make your WS angry. Gauge their reaction. Act accordingly.

"For every trip to the vet, there's a car ride.", Satchel Pooch.

"At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost." -- Tad.

"When the bad stuff happens, you walk it off any way you can"

posts: 8770   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2004   ·   location: North Atlanta Burbs
id 2789251
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treading water ( member #9139) posted at 2:58 PM on Thursday, February 21st, 2008

bumping for those who need this.

tw

"Won't be fooled again"

Onward and Upward!!!
Life IS Good!!

posts: 3358   ·   registered: Dec. 19th, 2005   ·   location: Red Sox Nation
id 2795194
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shyguy ( member #18281) posted at 5:32 PM on Thursday, February 21st, 2008

fantstic! I am new so I will try to use it. It is almost as good as the 180.

Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

posts: 5866   ·   registered: Feb. 20th, 2008   ·   location: tulsa
id 2795710
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So painful ( member #18167) posted at 5:36 PM on Thursday, February 21st, 2008

So glad I read this. I printed it and intend to reread it often.

Me: BS - 57
Him: WH - 59
Status: Uncertain

posts: 799   ·   registered: Feb. 12th, 2008   ·   location: Midwest
id 2795728
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