SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

One thing I've learned from my WH's affairs is that his past lack of remorse and not doing what was needed to fix the marriage and save his family didn't mean he didn't care. I don't necessarily believe that your wife is a callous, heartless individual. She's hurting you and your kids badly, yes. But in my husband's case, the guilt and shame of waht he had done were what kept him from really doing the right things. He didn't want to face everything, admit how careless he had been, and face people (me and the kids included) who knew what he had done. So instead of doing "the right thing", he continued to live his horrible life.....hoping that he could make his guilt go away by keeping busy with his new friends. It wasn't until he knew that he would forever lose everything that he was willing to stop and face what he had done. Soooo difficult to understand from a BS's perspective.....especially if your marriage was fairly good before the affair. What I learned is that me and the kids were a window in to the guilt. Seeing us made him feel horrible. It's hard for me to understand because I don't understand running from someone when I've hurt them....that just increases the damage. Anyway, it is possible that her behavior doesn't mean that she doesn't want life with you and the kids. It's possible that it means that she's avoiding her own guilt and shame.

Also, it took me a long time to realize during my 180 that I no longer owed my WH the courtesy of knowing what I was doing at every moment. If I was going out, I didn't need to tell him where. There were times where I'd get all dressed up in a cute dress and heels and do nothing but maybe go sit on a friends couch and talk (he didn't know that)....just so he knew I was going to move on. When he asked where I was going, I'd say "out". When I stopped telling him my plans, it drove him crazy. He knew he was losing me and I was moving on. I really played it up too and would wear things out that I knew were his favorites. Was I playing a game? Yes. But it also helped me gain back some of my confidence. I did start having fun again. When he would ask me why I wouldn't tell him what I was doing, I would say that since he was no longer giving me that courtesy and had chosen to live life apart from our marriage, I no longer owed that to him. Gave me some back of the power I felt like I had lost. Just a thought. :)

[This message edited by DevastatedTwice at 8:03 PM, March 6th (Sunday)]

during my 180 that I no longer owed my WH the courtesy of knowing what I was doing at every moment. If I was going out, I didn't need to tell him where.

This is exactly what I did. Granted I had no intentions of R with my WXH, but he still pressed for details of what I was up to. Even though he wanted out, he still thought he was entitled to my whereabouts.

When he would ask me why I wouldn't tell him what I was doing, I would say that since he was no longer giving me that courtesy and had chosen to live life apart from our marriage, I no longer owed that to him.

This is an excellent answer.

You do not owe your WW any explanation as to what you are doing.

I also treated my WXH as a business transaction. No emotion.

Another thing that jumps out at me is that you told your WW that the only way you could R is if she goes NC with her "friend". But yet, she is still spending time with this friend. That tells me that she just doesn't care. She is still in such a fog - she can't care.

Move on with your life. If you keep waiting around for her to come out of the fog, you could be setting yourself up for more heartbreak down the road.

The only way you can move forward, is to continue living. You gave her your requirements and she has ignored them. Time to move on without her. It isn't going to be easy, but it is the only way for you to recover from this nightmare.

I think that telling the OM's BS, throwing her out and filing all at the same time will have a huge impact on her attitude. I for one don't believe that she just gave up the OM just like that. And there is more to this "best friend." Why would she cling so hard to some woman who she's only known for a few years?This is not a childhood friend or anything like that. I think there is some connection or go-between with her and the OM.

I echo sadtoo's assessment, there are some things that are not adding up at all with the loyalty to this friend and if you there is any chance of saving your marriage you have to play hardball.

You are in the thick of the crazy making storm, you see... you weren't in this same "desperately unhappy" marriage as your WS, so the thought of it suddenly ending is still a shock for you. It probably does not make sense to you that a mature woman who is the model and MOTHER for a tween and a pre-schooler would behave like this, throw away her marriage for sex with a random guy, but it happens every day.

She have never said she will do anything to make it work. She still thinks it something lacking in me.

She is not stepping up and right now to try to reconcile to offer an olive branch would be foolish.

sadtoo wrote... I also find it interesting that she is snooping on you. That to me is an indication of a guilty conscience. I think she has taken this thing deeper and this "best friend" is part of it.

You see ALL kinds of crazy things on this board, and it is not uncommon to see someone be the go between. She sounds like trash in a shitty marriage, if she is your wife's "best friend" no doubt she will have influence on your wife also if you do plan on reconciling.

Think about it, from her view... you've been caught committing adultery, you tell your H that it was just wild animal sex but you aren't seeing the prick any more. You're sleeping on the couch and getting an apartment, why would you care how your H caught you or what he did that weekend when he said he was out of town?

There is more to her cheating story...

I'm asking her to leave tonight. I need to end this! It's sad...but I have no other choice! She has her head so far up her ass, it's crazy.

It might get ugly!!! I saw she applied for a credit card! Good thing I'm two steps ahead of her! Still can't believe this is my life! She isn't even smart enough to delete her internet history.

I saw she tried to break into my paypal account haha! Oh man...this sucks!

Goose,

It does suck. It sucks BAD. But it will suck way worse if she gets the upper hand at this point. You need to keep playing hardball and stay on offense.

As difficult and heartbreaking as it is, throw her out and file. Let her have her stupid credit card, her dumb apartment, her slutty best friend and her trashy lifestyle.

But then also file for divorce RIGHT AWAY and get ahold of the OM's BW tomorrow too. Don't allow her to start off her new single life all fun and wonderful. It needs to start off with a good dose of reality.

Have you thought about filing for custody? What about talking to her family. Maybe time to expose all of this to them too. If you can get their support, that's more pressure on her.

You can always stop the divorce later if she pulls her head out of her ass. But at this point you have to protect yourself and your children.

Like the others have said, most WS's don't start to come around and out of the fog until they realize what they stand to lose. Right now, she's only been caught.

Tomorrow you need to serve up the consequences for her actions.

Good luck

Goose, she doesn't respect you. She probably never really has. I'm in my mid-50's and of all the guys I ever knew who married women with kids by other guys, only one, my favorite uncle, lived out his life with that woman. All my friends my age who married instant families got divorced long ago. Just look at how many BHs on this forum are step-fathers raising some other guys kids for a woman who is out banging yet another guy. I have to wonder about that. You were needed at one time, maybe not so much now.

goose....

Bro....i hate to keep dogging you on this - but, did you ever get in touch with the OMs BW??

Do you think that the WW and OM are still in any contact?

Just wondering, bro....

Bufffalo

Buff i think he's waiting for the OW cell phone number he ordered from some where on the net.

Hang in there Goose....

Feeling your pain here...

You are doing the right thing tho..she's about to get a huge does of reality..

We'll see where that takes her.

trying2...

wasnt sure...his WW seems to be in a pretty good fog....wanting to seperate, blameshifting, rewriting maritial history, etc.

Methinks she needs a reality check from her fairytail - picket fence fantasy....KWIM?

we'll just have to wait and see how it goes.....

Bufffalo

Ok I talked with the WW tonight. We are going to get a divorce. She knows it will never be the same with us. I gave her 150% and it still wasn't good enough. And I will probably never trust her again. She wants to be "free". So...

I know there is an amazing girl in my future that isn't so twisted and that will love me for the person that I am.

I want to have more kids and she doesn't.

She nuked the family...and I hate her for that.

We are totally being civil to each other we are not going to fight for my youngest daughter. 50/50 split. We have already talked about the "stuff" in the house. She is going to rent a place that is close to us so the kids can have easy access.

Well there is another fucked up story. Kind of depressing but it's reality as much as it sucks.

I still going to contact the OMW. Probably tomorrow.

I'm emotionally spent...

((((goose))))

I'm sorry that this is how it's working out but BRAVO FOR YOU for not putting up with her SHIT.

You are absolutely right, there will be someone who is amazing and there for YOU.

One day she will realize what she has thrown away, and by then it will be too late because you will have moved on and not even want her.

My heart goes out to you, I know how hard this whole fucked up mess is.

((((goose-em))))

gooose....

Take it easy, bro.....it aint over till the fat lady sings.

Deep breaths, try to eat (i know...its hard), sleep (even harder)...i have the movie and the tshirt...this aint your fault..

reread the 180...hell print it out - then do it....

Ya know...its a pain in the ass to have to deal with a foggy spouse....(been there, done that)...BTDT.

I spent a couple of months in a "full court press 180"...just knowing i was gettin' a divorce ....ugh...

Your wife is in a bullshit fog.....and its dragging you down...its all bullshit, bro.

Tell the other BS - ASAP......file for divorce..do the 180...and wait. THAT FOG WILL LIFT!

And if it doesnt....you will be way ahead of the game...

One of my undergraduate degrees is in political science..officially.."we dont negociate with terrorists".....quit trying to negociate with a foggy, cheatin' wife - till that fog lifts - she's just humpin' your leg....till that fog lifts - you cannot win.

Bro...the best way out of a "tug-of-war" is to just let go - dont play...

I know its a bitch when you think the one that oughta be watchin' your back is the same person that stuck that knife in it.....

Pull that knife out of your back - and sever the fuel line to that bus you got thrown under......KWIM?

You cannot control what she does or thinks.....but you can control your reactions to her adverse behavior....180, bro - 180...

Goose...you will survive this bullshit....one way or another.....

Tell the other BS....

Keep us posted...

Bufffalo

[This message edited by bufffalo at 3:09 AM, March 7th (Monday)]

Wow! What a story.

Hugs to you goose-em

We are going to get a divorce. She knows it will never be the same with us. I gave her 150% and it still wasn't good enough. And I will probably never trust her again. She wants to be "free".

She is still in fantasy land. This is another manipulative tactic used by WS.

I think since they are ever in fantasy, in their minds the AP is better than BS, for a minute they imagine they are better off free because if BS cannot allow them to be happy with affair then they are bad people.

My story is long but lately, my WS moved out on me. This time I was a much stronger person. I did not beg, cry, ask him not to leave, tell him to think of family etc...instead, I told him to notify me when he was done packing so I could close the door from inside. When he left I closed that chapter of my life and immediately moved on. Not more than a week after his rant, he went to see my father for help with out marriage and has set up MC for us this thursday.

So one thing that is clear is that if there is a chance that this marriage is salvageable, then only your strength and ability to move on without her will make you attractive enough (in WS point of view) to get her back. But even if she does not come back, you will be strong because you have been acting strong anyway. Hang in there. Very difficult, very very hard but workable...You will be fine.

It is necessary, for any reconciliation to begin to happen, that your WS NC her enabling friends. They stop her from seeing who she really has become.

Goose

This will hurt like hell. But you are doing the right thing. Seriously, who knows what will happen six months from now. I never thought I could R with my wife after what she had done. I moved out, filed for D, and started to move on with my life. Now, we are back together giving R a try (with a damned good Post-nup in place...)

PLEASE DO THREE THINGS FOR YOU.

1. Always protect you. Regardless of what she says, you need to watch out for you. Make no concessions that could cost you your money, your pride, your integrity. You are doing a great job at it.

2. Love your kids with all yor might. 180 to detach from her, but not them.

3. Detach - the 180 is your friend. The sooner you start that process, the better for you. It will take a long time to move on from the woman you loved, but it will happen.

Good luck man!!

I totally here what you guys are saying. I'm going to file,contact the other BS and let the cards fall where they fall. I didn't beg or pled last night. Neither did she.

I'm not holding much hope for her to come out of the fog. I'm just going to move on with my life.

She knows that I might want another kid in life too. And she doesn't want to have anymore.

I'm starting a whole new chapter in my life.

My WW has too much pride to come back even if she wanted to.

goose,

I'm sorry.

I have a funny feeling about this "being civil" stuff.

It all sounds nice and sweet that everyone is going to behave and not fight for the sake of the children and all.....but I can't shake the feeling that she is trying just a little TOO hard to be nice.

Why?

I would guess, and I could be wrong....I've been wrong before, but this is to keep you "nice" until the divorce is done. After all, going through a divorce when everyone is being "civil" is much nicer than when someone is really MAD.

Goose, she "gave up" the OM way too quick with her "it was only sex" excuse. She has refused to give up this "friend." She is being really "civil" to you.

This to me says that she got caught so her and OM have only cooled things until she can get a divorce. (He may be telling her that he is getting one too) She is clinging to this friend because this person is the only one who knows and is connected to her other "life". She needs to talk to someone. She is being "civil" to you because she knows if you KNEW THE WHOLE TRUTH things would get ugly. She is laying low with the truth, not seeing the OM and playing nice while going through the divorce.

Once all of that is done and over, well SURPRISE! OM and her start dating....(they just ran into each other at the grocery store!) When they've really been seeing each other all along. Only now they expect you to buy this bunch of crap. And believe me, you will be left really pissed and feeling the fool.

Go forward with your plans, but please be suspicious of her. Do NOT believe a word she says. Her motives are not for you or YOUR CHILDREN's best interest. She is only thinking of herself.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 7:49 AM, March 7th (Monday)]

(((goose)))

Don't have anything to add here - you have been given the best advice by others.

Just wanted you to know I am thinking of you. Good luck and stay strong - you are doing such a great job.

Everyone has given you great advice and you sound like you are doing pretty good, considering. I just wanted to add, do tell the other BS. She deserves to know. Now that your WW will be moving out, it will be easier for her to continue the affair. Why make it easy for her? Perhaps some pressure on the AP from his BS can help.

Good luck!

If she has plans to be with the OM, more power to her. She can have him....I just hope he wouldn't become my daughters step daddy...scary thought!! I'm going to move on and try to get the divorse over quickly and focusing on my kids! Like I said I know there is a woman out there who is going to be cool as shit and that will really love me. It's crazy how quickly this all went down..