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Your size falls in the average range so you shouldn't feel terrible about that. That's an awful thing for her to say about you. We are all stuck with what we have. If you are worried about this there are a few techniques that you can do that will help both length and girth. I just think that what she did is so hurtful I'd have a hard time staying. Women have different size holes just as men different size penises. My wife had our kids sea section so her vagina never changed after the kids. Even though I fall in the average range too sometimes It's hard to get it in so I'm lucky there. I've been in sports for years and been in enough locker rooms to know that you aren't small just average. Many of the guys that do porn are 1 in 100 while most of us are average which is 5 to 7 inches. Many women like my wife don't want huge. She once told me of a guy she dated that was in the huge range and just how uncomfortable sex was with him. Don't feel you are inadequate just because what she tells you. I take viagra sometimes. What I like about it is that it slightly reduces feeling enough to where I can control the when for me. I might use 1/4 of a 100 mg and that works wonders for what can be done. I often had the problem of premature ejaculation which is a huge problem when the women wants to be pleased. The viagra feeling is perfect as it reduces the sensitivity. Just know you aren't alone out there. There are millions of men that have similar to you. I'd have a very hard time staying in this relationship. A guy needs to feel needed here.

Joe, wow, and you are with this woman WHY?????

This totally freaks me out, she's a cruel, vicious cheat who has been abusing you for years.

I had a whole paragraph of things you could and should tell her but I erased it.

joeboo,

Hi, I'm a BW and here's the bottom line IMHO.

First off, I made a choice a long time ago to only have intercourse with one person and have stuck to that. BUT, I've seen others, and know for a fact that my XFWH was an average man, nothing to throw a party over.

Like your wife, my X was verbally abusive (turned physical but that's a whole other topic).

This is very tmi:

I lost my virginity to him when I was 22 and he was 20, I was his 8th conquest. We married 6 years later, had a son the following year and a daughter the year after that.

We had always been the couple who couldn't keep their hands off each other, several times per day, lots of sex. During my second pregnancy, he had sex with a friend of ours, a married mother of four who was on her second marriage and had not only been sexually abused as a young person but had a long list of prior lovers (bragged it was close to 100).

XFWH told me he felt he needed to strap a 2 by 4 to his ass or he would fall in.

She told XFWH and me for that matter, that her husband had a pencil dick and my X's was huge and that's why she went for it (because, in her mind, who wouldn't?).

When X and I were trying to R, he projected his anger onto me. He had to make it my fault. He couldn't call me bigger or more stretched out because I wasn't. SO, he decided to tell me I was fat. At 110 pounds to her 200, I was the fat one. He knew I would crumble because I am a recovering anorexic.

Then, when he saw I wasn't buying it, I smelled bad.

He refused to do oral but demanded it from me.

Considering I faked orgasms for the entire time I was with him, that really ruined our sex life.

Call me crazy but I married him for love not lust. At that point I realized he never loved me.

Ultimately, none of this was the reason we didn't make it. His selfish abusive, garbage behavior killed the M.

All of the rest could have been worked through. Your wife sounds a lot like an unremorseful in the fog WS who lacks the ability to take responsibility.

It's not your penis, trust me, it's your wife.

[This message edited by luvedmypbear at 8:55 AM, October 31st (Monday)]

It's not your penis, trust me, it's your wife.

Agreed.

And it seems she is telling you these things to see just how much you will put up with. Maybe trying to totally break you if she hasn't already. SO sorry. ((hugs))

It's not your penis, trust me, it's your wife.

Exactly! Not only is she a cheater and a liar, she is a cruel one. She is systematically destroying your self esteem so that you would think that the only one who would ever have you is her. It's a twisted control thing.

She has successfully changed the topic of conversation from her infidelity to your perceived shortcomings as a lover. This is working for her because your head is spinning from humiliation instead of concentrating on what she did. And you are letting her! This has absolutely nothing to do with the size of anything. It has to do with a woman who is so cruel that she would rather humiliate her BS than face her own demons. Don't let her take another minute of your power. Who the hell does she think she is to judge you?

Forget your penis.

You want to reconcile with this woman WHY?

Really -- WHY?

She is ABUSIVE. Everything you described is verbal and emotional abuse of the most horrific kind. That is beyond her being a serial cheater, which frankly, in my book is ENOUGH of a deal breaker without her mind boggling commentaries about the myriad ways in which you are inadequate.

Stop looking to this profoundly disordered person for validation. You won't find it.

What do YOU want? What kind of marriage do YOU see yourself in? Can she be the person you need her to be and not what you WANT her to be?

She is showing you WHO SHE IS.

And that person is very, very ugly. No one I would want to stay married to for a New York second.

You need some IC dude. Your dick is fine and it's not the issue.

I honestly think this a way for your wife to vent her hostilities in a way she knows will best wound your self-confidence and pride.

I think this is spot on.

Oftimes I think that a WS who is angry at themselves will take it out on their BS. This I believe is why my WW does the blame shift thing to me. And this is why she has said hurtful things to me.

I must say tho that a woman that says things like this is really striking at a sore spot. Even in relationships that have not suffered betrayal this would hurt. But in the case of a BH. Statements like this are soul crushing.

I feel for you brother. Listen to the ladies here, I think they are giving you the straight scoop.

Your wife sounds very insensitive and the things she has said to you are verbal abuse As others have said, size really does not matter. What does is the relationship between the two people. You could have someone who is rather well endowed and they could be (for lack of better words) a complete dick. While you could have someone else who is average or even smaller than average who treats his wife like she is a queen and makes sure she is happy with sex, as well.

My FWH is not well endowed. My XH was much larger. I can tell you though that my current H is much better in bed - 1. because he cares 2. because he knows what to do with his equipment and 3. because he is just really good at what he does

I can count on one hand how many orgasms I had with my X. I think I had the same amount in the first week I started to sleep with my current H.

Your WW is being cruel. I could never imagine telling my FWH that his size mattered - whether it was true or not. That would be like my H telling me that my boobs weren't big enough for him.

These kinds of behaviors do not occur in isolation. Does she praise everything else about you and size is her only issue? Or is she consistent in belittling you about almost everything?

I'm on the team where it doesn't matter- being a loving, caring lover is much more important!

On that note, I can relate to your post. Well not technically but my WH also said things like this about my breasts. My breasts are cute but they're not big.

All of my marriage, I thought my WH wasn't a breast man. I thought he just didn't care about them because he NEVER touched them or caressed them etc during lovemaking. Even before we were married, I noticed he'd never touch me there and I once asked him about it back then but he just gave me some lame "i don't know". He was very inexperienced before me so I figured that was it.

I felt so stupid on D-day when I find out that it wasn't that he was NOT a breast man, it were MY breasts he wasn't into. All the OW, all the porn, everything revolved around breasts- big breasts.

During our deep talks in d-day days he'd say things that hurt very much, not intentionally, not trying to be mean but because I'd ask him to be honest with me. Maybe it's my fault but why would you tell your spouse something like that?

He told me he didn't know if I'd ever turn him in like that because of my breasts, he said if I had big breasts maybe he wouldn't have the eye for other women (bullshit), he said if I were to take off my shirt he didn't know how he'd react (because of his neglect to that area, I would always just leave a shirt/nightgown on), he also "defended" one of the OW saying that her breasts were real, etc etc. Many things that to this day hurt.

I was very down on myself because of that. But you know what? 4 years later, I LOVE my breasts. THey're not Ds or DDs but they're mine. They're cute. They're perky.

We are heading down D road. Honestly, one of the most humilating yet sad things for me when I look back on my M is all those years he neglected me (my breasts) simply because I wasn't good enough for him. What an asshole! Meanwhile, he would go out of his way to touch OWs big breasts, ogle big breasts, search for OW with big breasts etc.

And honestly, this is one of the reasons why I'm choosing to D, not the main one but in my list, this is one. I can't un know what I know. And although after d-day, he then changed and paid attention to my breasts, it just felt like I was second best to him.

And I don't deserve being 2nd best, I deserve 1st place damnit.

[This message edited by deanab at 10:03 AM, October 31st (Monday)]

It doesn't matter what the average size is. The point is she is being cruel and shallow to make herself feel justified in her actions and at the same time, making you feel as low as she does. Misery loves company.

Joeboo, what are you doing? Seriously. I read your posts and if you take every cliche ever spouted about women you have your portayal of your wife.

I'm sure if you read your post and have been on here as long as you have you don't have to be psychic to know almost word for word what would be the responses you'd get.

My question is, how do those responses help you and what honestly do you plan to do? You have all the information you need sans poly. She lies. She has done no work on her many many issues and a poly, ultimatums, you being hurt or unhappy isn't going to change any of that.

She is who she is and she's with your because you make that choice every day. You pick her. So it really doesn't matter what she says. What matters is what you say and you say "more" right now. You say size matters. You say truth doesn't. You say her lack of respect is ok.

After all, that's really what matters, what you say...not what she says.

So speak, man!!!! Loudly!!!!!

I'll tell you what, joeboo. It's a dealbreaker for me.

An A is forgivable and reconcilable if the WS understands what s/he's done, is on-her-knees-remorseful, and is begging for another chance to prove that it will never happen again and that this marriage is safe for you.

Your marriage is not safe for you.

Your wife is supposed to be someone that you can let inside of you, into the deepest reaches of your heart, someone who can know you and all your secrets, who will hold them as her own. Someone you can show your truest self to.

You have a snake inside. Not only did she betray your deepest trust, but now she strikes at you from within, hitting the places she knows will do the most devastating damage.

The things she says to you.... THIS IS NOT NORMAL. THIS IS NOT HONESTY. THIS IS CRUEL, ABUSIVE, AND CONTROLLING.

And it's all the more abusive that she presents it as honesty. Her love of huge penises is not what made her have an affair. But let's pretend for a moment it's true. That means you can still never trust her to stay true, because you can't change that. SO there's a R deal breaker right there.

But it's not the real issue. The real issue is her willing to strike out where she knows it will hurt you the most, as if having an affair wasn't already bad enough. No, she has seen that devastation, and now she's twisting the knife.

I gave my WH one chance at R. I found out a week later that he was continuing the affair, AFTER seeing how it devastated me. I knew then that if he could be that cruel, if my pain didn't matter to him more than that, then that was not a man I wanted to be married to. This was not a partnership. And I am worth more. I filed immediately. I was very sad to lose my marriage, but I will not be married to someone who could do see me in so much pain and be unaffected. It is so contrary to how a husband and wife should be together. I cut him off. He was no longer the man I married, or the husband I would have laid down my life for. He was a man who lied, who betrayed me. And when he saw what he had done, it didn't affect him. I deserve better than that.

The one person in the world you should be safe with, the one you should be able to trust against the world, is your spouse.

eta:

And I doubt I could ever be intimate with any woman ever again in my life.

Do you see how insidious this abuse is? She has effectively convinced you that you are so defective, that you should be lucky she is willing to be with you at all because no one else will. I would love to see her face if you served her with papers.

[This message edited by marzipan at 10:51 AM, October 31st (Monday)]

Forget your penis.

Sounds like your wife has.

Do you see how insidious this abuse is? She has effectively convinced you that you are so defective, that you should be lucky she is willing to be with you at all because no one else will. I would love to see her face if you served her with papers.

Yup, yup, yup.

I can't get past the fact that your 'wife' shared this with you. It literally disgusts me. Sorry - I have nothing else to add.

joeboo, shortly after my first dday, I was given a huge list of all my failings in life, as a husband, and as a human being. I had things my MIL (who I loved, and is no longer with us to respond) said over the past 25 years (and over 25 years, there is a lot of bad things said about everyone) thrown in my face to back it up. It was a load of crap to deflect attention away from her reprehensible behaviour.

You were born the way you are. What is her excuse?

JB: you need to get out.

You cannot fix her, and she doesn't want to fix her. These are not statements that wives say to their husbands and expect to stay M'd.

She is too week to pull the trigger so she is pushing you to do it for her.

Don't take her words to heart, she is a liar and you know this.

Get out, cool off, and when you r ready, find a good woman. Please.

I didn't read all the replies, but I would like to add my two cents, with a huge dose of tmi.

I am a woman who likes "big". I like big toys, I like big penises, I like...other things that are not intended to be in a vagina that are big. Big is awesome!! I do not have an unusually large or loose vagina...ask my midwife. I have perfectly average geometry down there. I just really enjoy the feeling of being stretched.

That said...my h is not anything extraordinary in the size department, and he is hands-down the best I've ever had. Next-best...also not the biggest I've had. I won't say size doesn't matter, but it is far less important than skill and creativity.

Your ww is a cruel, insensitive, mean-spirited bitch. She doesn't deserve you.

Much peace to you, joeboo. You are man enough...she just isn't woman enough.