SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't know...

Strippers make their money from patrons, many of whom (majority?) are married or committed. And many of those patrons don't have their partner's consent/OK/whatever. I realize that the stripper can't tell who is who or go around asking for permission slips, but does that absolve them from the fact that their job probably wreaks havoc on marriages more so than most jobs? <I know there are a lot of co-worker OPs, but the job itself generally doesn't assault a marriage the way stripping might>

I mean, all of us around here put a lot of blame on the AP/OP, but it was our partner who made the choice to cheat. Yet, we call out the AP/OP for their influence, scum-baggery, etc. etc. So why such blame for an OP and none for a person who chooses to engage in a job where (I am just assuming) there is known marital deceit and, my many marriage's definitions, betrayal?

Look, what I said above is comparing apples to oranges in many ways for sure and I do NOT think strippers are OPs. But I just feel like saying "she's just doing her job, don't judge" is a major oversimplification, given that I do think a lot of strippers know their customers are married (and there in secret) and yet they continue to choose to do the job.

[This message edited by RockyMtn at 9:11 PM, October 10th (Wednesday)]

There is definitely a reason behind the stereotype of a stripper but they aren't all bad. One of my best friends spent a while working at a strip club in Vegas while she was young and single. She wasn't the type to take anyone home or hook up with clients, but she did enjoy the money she made because it allowed her to travel all over. . . And she did. She is now out of that line of work and is a happily married stay at home mom. You may find that her reasons for doing what she does has nothing to do with the sex aspect of the job. You need to do what you feel comfortable with but don't judge her based on your opinion of the job she has. She could be an absolutely wonderful person and chances are she is not going to do that forever. Like others have said, sometimes the motive is to be able to afford things like an education.

But I just feel like saying "she's just doing her job, don't judge" is a major oversimplification, given that I do think a lot of strippers know their customers are married (and there in secret) and yet they continue to choose to do the job.

Exactly, RockyMtn. Everything is different now for me that infidelity has come to visit my home. I am not quite as liberal as I once was. I am not quite as accepting as I once was. Things that may have been like water on a ducks back aren't that way anymore.

Of course no one wants their kids to grow up to be a stripper or to marry one... everyone wants the best.

But if my son was 26 years old and dating a stripper... just some average girl making a living... it may not be my ideal but I wouldn't shut someone out based on that alone.

Honestly, I am just not the type of person to do something like that. That being said, maybe in 10 years from now I may have a change of heart... but really, some girl stripping for a living is the least of my concerns.

She has to come up with better negative attributes for me to not want to associate with her.

But that's just me.

I also want to add early in my marriage with ex I use to drive to the strip clubs and try to physically yank him out. So I am no stranger to this kind of pain.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 9:22 PM, October 10th (Wednesday)]

Most of them are like the rest of us schmucks, making a living. Now if said stripper was a stripping, coke snorting, trick turning, home wrecker on the side, that is a different story.

And how do I find this out? Like I said, do I have to visit the club, do I have that conversation with her? Will she tell me the truth?

If I lived in Vegas and my DS brought home a prostitute (hey, it is legal) I am not going to be thrilled and I will be quite judgmental. I won't apologize for this. Stripper doesn't = prostitute, I get this. However, many, many studies done on strippers show that it is the gateway to prostitution. Studies also show quite often that these woman come from abusive homes and/or relationships, they are drug addicts, and they do hook on the side. Not the girl I would want for my son. Not the girl I want in my home.

I should hang out with hookers and prostitutes because they are just people doing a job. *sigh* I should welcome a stripper into my home and have DS16 hang with her and normalize stripping. My dear FWH can go buy Playboy and and see his DS's GF naked and god knows what she is displaying in her all natural glory. Just another day in the Milkshake home.

Fuck , now I am crying. I just had a thread about being fucking jealous of a fucking mezzosoprano on fucking TV and now I should stop being so fucking closed minded and have a fucking Playboy fucking stripper in my fucking home. FUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!

I think you have the right to decide whom you want in your home and under what circumstances.

My mother would never tolerate it either, btw. No way, no how.

You're not being close minded,you're being cautious.

Strippers have a bad rep for a reason. My sister is friends with several strippers. At a high end club in Indianapolis. I had the "pleasure" of meeting several of these friends..7 to be exact...and all of them were trashy. Yes,they were pretty,and I suppose some might call them nice. But I heard story after story of what goes on in the champagne rooms,how they have certain customers they meet after hours,I could go on,but you get the picture.

Im sure not all strippers are whores..but they get paid to take their clothes off & grind their crotches against strange men. They get paid to do alot more than that in the private rooms.

There is NOTHING wrong with you saying "NO" to a stripper in your home on Thanksgiving.

NOTHING.

(((((((SMS)))))))

ETA: Oh,and 2 days ago I found out my sister was a stripper for 6 months. Guess whose not coming for Thanksgiving?

Ok..so the reason she's not coming is because on November 8,she is turning herself into the jail,to serve a 10 year sentence for heroin possession..she paid for the heroin by prostituting herself.

So some strippers might be fine upstanding people,but then there are those..who are like my sister. How are you supposed to know which category she falls into?

[This message edited by confused615 at 9:45 PM, October 10th (Wednesday)]

I lost you on the mezzosoprano part, but I'm sorry for the tears. You are not being close minded here. You are setting your boundaries.

Your younger son being present is enough reason alone. Even if you had no history of infidelity, and stripping wasn't a sore spot, a young man in very formative years does not need to have his parents condoning stripping. And that will indeed be the message. He'll inevitably go to a strip club one day, fine, whatever. Society will tell him plenty of times that strip clubs are fine, part of being a man, bro code, whatever. He'll get that message loud and clear. Its important - regardless of your stance on strip clubs and strippers - that he hears the other side of this, that it can be a problem and that, for many people and couples, it is not OK.

If you really want to adjust your response, maybe stick to the "no holiday presence" due to your other son son and desire not to publicly support stripping (or whatever)...but offer to meet her in person, individually or something? That gives you the opportunity to talk to her and, as others have suggested, get to know her outside of her profession. And then you can come to a stronger conclusion as to how you feel about all of this?

[This message edited by RockyMtn at 9:42 PM, October 10th (Wednesday)]

I lost you on the mezzosoprano part,

I had a thread in Recon called "Jealous of Celebs" and I got all stupid jealous of a mezzosoprano on TV that FWH liked.

And how do I find this out? Like I said, do I have to visit the club, do I have that conversation with her? Will she tell me the truth?

Yes! That is exactly right, you have a conversation with her to get to know her. Have a conversation with a *gasp* stripper? Another human being? Perish the thought! She could be the whoriest of whores or she could be the nicest person you never met. Who knows. Why are you focusing so much on her job? What do you mean visit her in the club? Why even suggest that? Who gets to know their kid's significant other at their job?

Seriously, don't get upset. My opinion is one of many, and I can assure you, on this forum, most people will agree with you.

And in the end, I do see where you are coming from. If you are uncomfortable with her profession then it is up to you to not let her in your life.

If it was me I would see where the relationship goes. It sounds like it is an early thing with your son, so I wouldn't worry about it. It may be just be a fling. But if he chooses something more long term with her than I (pesonally) would reevaluate your stance.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 10:13 PM, October 10th (Wednesday)]

Do you think I am being judgey?

He is your son....No. I would feel the same way. I would expect that my son would have higher standards than that.

I would rather he date a woman that held three minimum wage jobs.

she is taking her clothes off in public....just eeewweee...

^^^This.

ETA:

No, no, no stop crying...I am with you 100% No strippers allowed in my house, no, never, ever. Call me judgmental, I have high standards. I think we all want the best for our children...a stripper? Really. I think not.

BTW: My WH A had nothing to do with strip clubs/strippers. I would feel this way whether my WH had an A or not.

[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 10:27 PM, October 10th (Wednesday)]

Why are you focusing so much on her job? What do you mean visit her in the club? Why even suggest that?

Will she tell me the truth, that is why. Will she tell me she rubs her tits and va-jay-jay on men? Will she tell me she gives them hand jobs in the private rooms?

I am focusing on her job because it is the sex industry. Don't want to have anything to do with the sex industry.

I want to preempt this by saying that I am not trying to sway what you feel. I find the subject at hand interesting and am just expressing my opinion and viewpoints.

Will she tell me the truth, that is why. Will she tell me she rubs her tits and va-jay-jay on men? Will she tell me she gives them hand jobs in the private rooms?

As we have learned from this forum liars come in all shapes, sizes, colors, and professions. As I said, she can be the worst of whores, or be a candidate for beatification, you simply. Don't. Know. But that is the gamble that we ALL play going into a relationship, whether a stripper or a kindergarten teacher.

I am focusing on her job because it is the sex industry. Don't want to have anything to do with the sex industry.

Her job... is none of your business. Her working in the sex industry... has nothing to do with you. I know I am going to get a lot of flack for this. All the mamma bears will come out with the "this is my son" etc. But your son is a grown man. He makes his own decisions. He is old enough to be free of the helicopter parenting.

Maybe if he was 18 or 19, I may see where you are coming from... but your son is in his mid to late 20s. He carves his own path in life.

Her profession is none of your business. Period.

It is her business.

It is your son's business.

But yours? No.

Like I said, JMO, take it for what it's worth.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 10:27 PM, October 10th (Wednesday)]

You get to know a person by sitting down and chatting with them. You can ask as many pointed questions as you want if that makes you more comfortable. I don't think it's typical to show up to a person's place of work as a method of getting to know them.

but your son is in his mid to late 20s. He carves his own path in life.

I respectfully disagree. I never resigned my position of a caring, loving, concerned parent just because my children turned 18. I will give them parental guidance for as long as I am alive.

I am not trying to sway what you feel.

I get that. I posted the thread, I asked.

Yes, none of my business. I didn't try to talk my son out of dating her. I just said I don't want her in my home. He can "date" her fucking brains out for all I care.

I will have to maybe get to know her if this turns into a real relationship.

eta: yes, I do care. I want a woman who has higher standards for herself for my son, as I stated earlier. But, I know it would be pointless to try to talk my son out of dating her. He thinks she is beautiful and is in llluuuurrrrvvvv right now.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 10:36 PM, October 10th (Wednesday)]

I respectfully disagree. I never resigned my position of a caring, loving, concerned parent just because my children turned 18. I will give them parental guidance for as long as I am alive

.

I am not saying that at all. of course she should care and show concern for her son and give guidance, but this is not the scenario. Look, she's a stripper. And that is literally all Sister knows about her! Oh, and she was in some rag mag. All of these other worries she has, are self inflicted and based on her own perceptions and ideas she has of the profession.

I just said I don't want her in my home. He can "date" her fucking brains out for all I care.

I will have to maybe get to know her if this turns into a real relationship.

And that I can totally agree with.... it all boils down to this: What is SisterMilkshake comfortable with? You are not comfortable with her profession, which I respectfully disagree about... but you are not comfortable. So you drew your line in the sand. If your son lives at home he should respect that.

Anyway, it sounds quite early on. Honestly, don't borrow trouble! It causes too much unnecessary stress. This could be nothing. Don't worry until he starts talking about making babies with her.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 10:40 PM, October 10th (Wednesday)]

Im sorry,but I disagree. Sitting down and chatting with her doesn't mean she will get to know her. The stripper will be chatting with her boyfriend's mom,I doubt she's going to say anything too negative about herself.

Talking to her assures SMS of nothing. Hell,I have been married to my husband for 11 years. I never thought he would cheat on me..because I knew him that well. Turns out,I didn't know him as well as I thought. I think alot of BS's can relate to what Im saying. You never really know someone.

The stripper will be chatting with her boyfriend's mom,I doubt she's going to say anything too negative about herself.

Thanks, confused615. That is what I have been saying. That is why I said I would have to go to the club to see exactly what she does. And, if she knows I am there will she not do what she normally does? Yeah, talking to her I don't feel I will get to know her.