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If she was a firefighter, you wouldn't go to a burning building to get to know her. If she was a doctor you would not try to get sick in order to know her.

Fucked up comes in all professions. Many stockbrokers and lawyers and doctors and taxi drivers and secretaries and coaches and CEO's and even clergy have lower morals than many strippers.

Unless you actually have a conversation with her, you will never get to know her, and I do not mean an interogation about her job.

That being said, it is your home, and your comfort, and if you are not comfortable with the idea, that is your perogative. I'm not going to give you one of those "we are the world" speeches, you are free to dislike, detest, and even hate anyone you want for any reason, and as long as you don't take any actions to harm them, who cares. Just recognize that this is your issue to deal with, or not, as you see fit.

[This message edited by aesir at 11:46 PM, October 10th (Wednesday)]

You know, I don't like vegans. Fucking weird. Vegetarians sure whatever. It'd bother me if my son dates a vegan and if they got married I'd have to try and wrap my head around the whole history of non-meat but it's not like I have an ideology that vegans should all eat bacon because I don't like them and think they're stealing jobs from good, honest terrans. They can do whatever they want and if their strange, soy-centric lifestyle brushes up against mine then I'm not ashamed to acknowledge my discomfort, nor do I feel a need to adjust my comfort zone until it becomes absolutely necessary.

So if your kid marries this stripper then worry about it. It's not like you have a problem with who she is, just what she does. Until she becomes important enough in your life to merit a re-evaluation of your comfort zone then enjoy your boundaries.

Now if you were mailing him birthday money in singles or giving her pasties for an anniversary gift that would be pretty fucked up.

Now if you were mailing him birthday money in singles or giving her pasties for an anniversary gift that would be pretty fucked up.

pfffttt lmbo..i spit my water out laughing..

The stripper will be chatting with her boyfriend's mom,I doubt she's going to say anything too negative about herself.

Right. And we all do realize this would be the case whether or not she is a stripper?

I know what firefighters do for a living. They don't rub their naughty bits on people and get paid for it. Doctors, although they may look at naughty bits and get paid for it, it is a different reason they are looking. They are kind of the opposite of strippers.

Guess what? I certainly will not be going to a strip club to see what my DS's GF is doing exactly. Even if he marries her.

Just recognize that this is your issue to deal with, or not, as you see fit.

Right!

Until she becomes important enough in your life to merit a re-evaluation of your comfort zone then enjoy your boundaries.

Right, again!

SM--I am anti-stripping. And I have ALWAYS been anti-stripping. It is NOT a harmless profession...it is a degrading profession that is harmful. I *am* open-minded enough to realize that someone is not a "bad person" because they are a stripper....but it totally goes against my values. And I do know that many *good* girls get into the profession for the money. And as someone pointed out earlier, a girl can make more money in two nights than she can if she worked 60 hours at Wal-Mart....but at what price to herself?

Every strip club offers lap-dances. That is NOT no contact. Stripping is a form of legalized prostitution in my eyes....even for the girls that only *dance* on stage. The women use their nude or semi-nude bodies and suggestive *moves* to get more money stuck in their g-strings.

And if those patrons that are sticking their $1 bills (or more) into the g-string are foot-loose and fancy free single guys....ok, then. More power to them. But, more likely than not, that $1 that is getting stuck in there is a $1 that could be used to buy baby formula, clothes or paying down the mortgage. It is money that is *stolen* from the family.

I told DS I didn't want to have a stripper at our holiday dinner. In fact, told him I didn't want a stripper in my house. I chose to not associate with strippers, I feel I can chose to not have them in my house.

I am going to agree with you, SM. Maybe she IS a nice girl....but there is no way in hell that I would allow a stripper-GF into my house OR at my holiday dinner if she was still *in the business*. No way. Maybe that has to do with the fact that I am surrounded by males (WH and all boy kids), but I would feel way that there would be wayyyy too much of a *boys will be boys* attitude and that shit would not be acceptable to me under the *cheating* circumstances that have come to define my life. I would feel completely disrespected.

If my DS showed up with a stripper GF, I would get to know her separately...AWAY from my family. If my gut told me that she was a *nice* girl, then I would do everything in my power to help her get out of the *business*.

Sorry, SM (and everyone else), this is a pretty triggery topic for me.

I guess what I'm wondering though, and what has me concerned is....why is your DS dating a stripper? Did he meet her at Starbucks and engage in a conversation with a girl that he *connected* with and, oh btw, she's a stripper? Or is it a *young* guy that thinks he's *cool* BECAUSE he's dating a stripper?

You are being judgmental. BUT. You are also acting as a person that knows what is acceptable to yourself and what is not and I don't think that you should apologize or feel badly about it.

If you don't stand for *something*, then you will fall for *anything*.

JMHO.

My DS works at a night club in the club part of the big city (for Midwestern cities) part of town. All the clubs are pretty much together in a few blocks of the city. His boss owns several of the clubs, my son goes to the different clubs for his boss.

I have two friends that were strippers in their early twenties. You would have known what they did if they did not tell you. One was a single mother who took the job to get away from an abusive husband. She went on to have a very nice career in an office doing a job she loved. The other was deeply in debt because of her husband. She took it as a second job. Neither dated people at work and neither were whores. Both left as soon as they straightened out the mess their lives had become.

As a mother I understand wanting the best for our kids. In the long run they will pick who they want whether we like them or not. It is your decision whether or not to allow her in your home.

As a betrayed wife I understand the stripper setting off alarms.

For me people are people. What they do for a living is not as important as who they are as people.

Myself, I would be more concerned that my 26-year-old son who just got out of a relationship with a nonstripper who accused him of dv and theft seemed to be going further down the food chain to things I could obviously point at. For all you know, she might be trying to rehab the 26-year-old guy living with his parents while she's been on her own since she was 16.

They've been dating for a minute. I'm not saying don't judge, but don't discount anything, either.

If she was a firefighter, you wouldn't go to a burning building to get to know her. If she was a doctor you would not try to get sick in order to know her

This is just a silly analogy, considering the circumstances of the professions.

C'mon, you guys. Seriously. This is an INFIDELITY board. I have NEVER seen a firefighter or a doctor that was naked and gyrating in front of me, begging for my money.

If a person wants to pose *nude* for the sake of art...then okay. But to get on a stage or sashay through a club in a see-through neligee while saying *hey baby, want a private dance?*

And I will repeat....being a stripper does NOT mean that she is a *bad* person. BUT. I DO question the baseline character and morals of someone that is able and willing to work in that profession.

I know what firefighters do for a living. They don't rub their naughty bits on people and get paid for it. Doctors, although they may look at naughty bits and get paid for it, it is a different reason they are looking. They are kind of the opposite of strippers.

But what do they do in their free time?

This is just a silly analogy, considering the circumstances of the professions.

Being in the sex industry does not make the character of someone any more or less moral.

This is an INFIDELITY board.

And that is exactly why we find so many posters agreeing with the OP.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 12:01 AM, October 11th (Thursday)]

Being in the sex industry does not make the character of someone any more or less moral

I suppose that would boil down to your definition of morals. According to my own personal moral code, being in the *sex industry* constitutes a violation.

To each their own....but *I*, personally, want nothing to do with it. And I don't want to associate with anyone that does. And I will *go to the mat* to keep my young, impressionable, teenage boys away from believing that *objectifying* females is okay behavior in any way, shape, or form.

If a person wants to pose *nude* for the sake of art...then okay.

Define art?

I once saw a definition of the difference between art and porn being the quality of the paper stock.

In Herrods they used to sell very expensive "art" books, that if printed on magazine paper and sold for under $10 would involve criminal charges.

There is a great deal of public funding of art that I find far more offensive than anything a lone person could do on a pole.

If she was a firefighter, you wouldn't go to a burning building to get to know her. If she was a doctor you would not try to get sick in order to know her

This is just a silly analogy, considering the circumstances of the professions.

And what if she worked in an office? Would anyone suggest it was appropriate to sit in on executive meetings? After all, she might really be a sexetary?

Going to someones work is not really a good way to get to know them, most of us are not allowed to be ourselves at work, and all things considered, getting sick, or hanging out in a burning building might be about the same amount of trauma as some would feel hanging out in a strip club.

I was kinda following StillGoing with the vegan thing, until he mentioned bacon. That's where I disagree, because I think bacon is an indispensible condiment, and makes a lovely garnish on just about any plate.

For me I just can't see what the girls current profession has to do with who she is inside. She might just be a fantastic person who is working hard on her PHD. Maybe she is doing this to pay for all her college. So what if she strips? Why does that make her a sub human? I have never really had an issue with strippers and actually had to deal with my own daughter considering doing it to keep a roof over her head. Not all of them are out to steal our men (tho I am sure some are).

I think it would be best to sit back and see how your son handles the "dating" and if it looks serious then invite her for a cup of coffee and talk to her. Ask her why she is in the industry, how long she plans to do it, is it a life long goal, what is she studying in college...you know...those really important things about her life.

Oh and trust me, not all firefighters are nice guys. I dated one who was a fracken stalker. Remember the profession does not make the person.

I went to college with a few girls who were strippers in the one strip club in our town.

Naturally, they would have patrons who were married but frankly, that wasn't their problem. They couldn't ask who was was single or who was not and ask if their spouses allowed them to receive entertainment. In this place, sex acts outside of no touching lap dances were unacceptable. Girls caught engaging in such things were let go and the patron was tossed out.

In an ideal world, if a guy started complaining about his marriage she'd walk away not wanting any part of it. However, his personal life isn't her problem. She was doing her job.

While I understand the bias towards strippers, I think responsibility works both ways.

I have't read all of the responses, but personally I wouldn't pre-judge anyone based on the job they do.

ETA: funny thing is there are probably some parents that wouldn't want their daughter dating your son becasue of his job (working in clubs)

[This message edited by neverendinghurt at 3:36 AM, October 11th (Thursday)]

Sister, I would have a huge problem if my son were to date a stripper. I have known several. My sister resorted to that for a short period to feed her child and herself. When I found out, I was livid .That aside, most strippers have a very low opinion of men. What they expose (no pun intended) themselves to is the worst of male behavior, and they learn to manipulate men well. I would not want my son emotionally entangled with anyone like that.

I see there is a lot of defense of strippers and a lot of people who believe this does not "define who they are" inside, and a lot of people who feel like this:

Being in the sex industry does not make the character of someone any more or less moral

I suppose that would boil down to your definition of morals. According to my own personal moral code, being in the *sex industry* constitutes a violation.

Same here, making a living in an industry that seems to encourage men to treat women like "objects" rather than equal people is immoral.

Of course I know there are exceptions and I don't know many strippers personally, but recently one of our friends was dating one. Any stigma and stereotype I had before was reinforced by that nasty woman. I would have expected her to be pretty, but at age 30 she looks like nothing but a skank with too much eyeliner and there is not enough makeup in the world to cover her ashen hardened prematurely old looking face that comes with being someone who lives in bars, stays up all night and smokes a lot of cigarettes.

But she had the same story: She needed to do it for the money.

Someone told her boyfriend that she was also taking money for BJs "after work." Well, I suppose he is just supposed to "trust" that she isn't and not investigate such a claim, right?

Well, he did ask her. This ended their relationship. She got furious and seriously beat him. She probably weighs 90 pounds but knows how to use weapons and objects and fingernails to really hurt someone. I suppose some will defend her here too, but how about reality. In a profession like that, I think you are going to need a tough skin about what people will say and ask, even your own boyfriend. Beating the crap out of him for trying to find the truth was not a good sign of her character IMO. If she was so insulted, she could have just broken off the relationship without beating him too. (Personally, I do believe she was giving the BJs).

My XH used to go to strip joints. I never liked it but that was before I knew he was a sex addict cheater. After knowing that it makes me sick sick sick and nobody in this world is ever going to change my mind about the nasty lifestyle that is...for the women who do it and the men who pay them for what they do. Yes, to me it is a legal form of prostituation. So paying for actual intercouse is not legal, but the rest of it is still sex. It is far worse when married men waste their money on it, but my H actually worked with a single guy who blew his paycheck at strip joint every week. There is just something wrong with that picture and I don't see that kid as ever being a healthy adult.

I have known of another former stripper...one of those "nice" ones who now has a Master's degree and a more respectable job, helping adult students refine their resumes, etc. Of course she only did it because she needed the money to get through college....

But there is more. This young woman flaunted and flirted with the students, if not openly bragging about her previous profession, she made sure they all knew.

It is apparent she had an affair with at least one (adult male student). She was pregnant at the time she left this job (she worked with my H at an adult vocational school). She would not tell anyone who the father was (my guess is it was either a married guy, a student, or she didn't know the father). She already had one kid and nobody seemed to know anything about that one's father either.

SisterMilkshake, I probably would not forbid the son to bring her home to dinner or anything like that because I do think that would tend to make him get very defensive and make things worse. I would probably come up with as many "reverse psychology" plans as I could think of to help this dissolve as soon as possible. In the end it is his life though. I would HATE that if it were my son, but if he ended up with her I would do my best not to dwell on it and just treat her like I would anyone else (I also have a 23 year old son). I'm not gonna lie though, I'd be just as upset about it as you are.

funny thing is there are probably some parents that wouldn't want their daughter dating your son becasue of his job (working in clubs)

Funny thing is, neh, I wouldn't blame them one bit. I feel it is a go nowhere job and I'ld like him to do something else.

There are many here that are a better people than me, seriously. Kumbaya and all that. When your daughter is dancing in a club or your son comes home with a stripper you can get back to me and we'll see if you feel the same.

You are being judgmental. BUT. You are also acting as a person that knows what is acceptable to yourself and what is not and I don't think that you should apologize or feel badly about it.

gonnabe2016 ~ thanks for all you shared. It is how I feel.

Bobbi_sue ~ thanks always for your input.

I probably would not forbid the son to bring her home to dinner or anything like that because I do think that would tend to make him get very defensive and make things worse

If I didn't have a DS16 years old at home it would be a little different. And, if I didn't have a FWH, it might be different. Even though he didn't cheat with a stripper, people with loose boundaries make me very uncomfortable.