SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

"Will you consider going out with me tonight to dinner, maybe a movie and not talk about all of this for a night?"

Your best answer?

Not "no".

Not "yes"

Give her no answer. Do not respond.

Just don't give her anything right now.

That is some crazy stuff on her part. Don't play.

I would be so tempted to say: "Oh gosh. You're hurting too? I'm thinking maybe I should adopt your approach to dealing with my pain. I will find a kind, beautiful woman and spend each weekend with her having sex and then attending church with her. Maybe after 2 or 3 months of that we can compare notes on how much it is helping cure our pain."

The one thing that seems to drive a WW crazy is the thought of her husband suddenly being with another woman.

Understand --- just a fantasy conversation. If you were really to say it, it would be used against you later in D court.

But fun to think about.

You are so strong and focussed. I really admire you.

oh, and that date thing is her way of being "friendly" with you so she feels better about leaving for the weekend.

Remember what was said about "I cannot be that bad a person, or hurt him as much as he said, because look, we are going out, being beeeeeeest pals. He should have no problem with me going and seeing my boyfriend..."

U&B, please let us know if we're being too rough on you, especially if I am being too annoying!

Your best answer?

Not "no".

Not "yes"

Give her no answer. Do not respond.

Just don't give her anything right now.

That is some crazy stuff on her part. Don't play.

I want to add something.

Don't play her game. You giving her nothing, no response, is absolutely the best "180" play here. You. Don't. Care. Enough. To. Respond.

Period.

I have no clue how I missed this thread. But somehow, I did.

First, you have handled some things very well.

I just wanted to add a few points;

1) The silver lining in this bad situation is that you have no kids with her, you don't own a house, and the split can be very clean.

2) Collect evidence and make duplicates and store some off campus (away from the house)

3)Ask yourself why you want to stay together with her. She is obviously not the person you thought she was. You are young, there are other fish in the sea and many who would not do this to you. Why live out all of these years with someone who you can never trust again ?

4) ignore the Om or if you don't, do stinging quick one liners. Even if she chases away from you, good riddance. Hammer her with a divorce. I don't get how someone has the gall to say "peace out, I want a separation and free reign to fuck this other guy', but we can still be a Monday- Friday couple'. Forget what the step-son thinks right now. Maintain a good relationship with him but he doesn't understand what you are going through. Had you done that to her, would you not get hammered by her ?

5) Meditate, eat well and keep focusing on how to shed those co-dependent ways.

6) Stop focusing on what you badly in this marriage. Nothing deserves an affair. Nothing.

7) Break the lease. Talk to the landlord and discuss it with your attorney. When she leaves this weekend, and don't blow up that trip, instead take the time to move away important documents and personal valuables and items from the home to safety (storage). When she comes back, have her served the papers, go NC with her and keep the 180. Leave the lease with her and let her worry about it. let your attorney lead from there

You will find all the answers you need at that point

[This message edited by Western at 11:33 AM, May 15th (Friday)]

Okay, lots of posts while I wasn't looking.

First, thanks guys!

I actually understand a lot of British slang for a guy from Texas. I'm a bit of an anglophile.

Hell no, no date. What the??? You've got the balls to even ask me that?!

I didn't ignore it. I just shot back a "no."

She asked why not. I told her I'm not going on a date with you before you head down to POSOM's place. Too much self respect.

Hold on everyone. I mean, of course, this date is a terrible idea...but I have to ask:

Is she buying?? Because let's be honest...this man deserves a very thick and expensive free steak !!

Honestly though...the sheer level of selfishness and absent self-awareness from these waywards never ceases to amaze.

This situation is just so awful, I can't stop thinking about it. You are handling it well, please don't fall into her trap. Stay strong. Disengage.

I may be projecting here... and my apologies if this doesn't apply.... but I wonder if you want her back because you want to "win". You want her to wake up and realize the POSOM is not "all that" and choose you. I felt that way. Not proud of it. at. all. But I'm being honest.

But really think about your motives. Do you want back someone who is treating you this way? Has not shown remorse? But you are still "hoping' she will?

Please... think about this... She is NOT the prize. You are!!!!! You are the faithful one. She should be trying to win YOU back. Not the other way around. Please repeat that to yourself until you believe it.

Find someone who deserves a prize like you! She has not demonstrated that she is worthy. She is not. Please detach, disengage, and protect yourself. I am so angry on your behalf.

Please stay strong. I am rooting for you!

U&B, don't respond. Even your response was too much. NOTHING. NADA.

She has shown you what she cares about. It ain't you. It's her. Only her. She don't even care about POSOM.

She's starting to panic now. Let her. 180. No responses unless she asks for all your boundary conditions and that she will comply with all of them without question.

Remember, her issues with the marriage are irrelevant at this point. When your house is on fire, you don't try to find out what caused the fire until it's out... and your marriage is an inferno right now.

Stay strong. You are doing great, and she is sticking to the betrayed script as written. This is all fairly predictable behaviour to my eyes.

I guess I'm in a fog of my own.

I'm so mad. I'm so hurt. My soul is crushed. I can't sleep, I can't eat. I try to stay busy so mental images don't torment me constantly.

The co-dependence is strong, I guess. I made her such a large part of my identity for 11 years. I do keep longing for her to realize what she's done and make amends. I don't want to be without her. And I know I'm crazy. She's taken a baseball bat to my knees, a knife to my heart and now she's left me bleeding in the street as she skips away.

And yet, I am saddened by my loss and wish things could be different.

Everyone here tells me I'm so strong and I'm handling this well. I really don't feel like I am. I can't figure out how to get back up off this dirty, bloody street she left me lying in.

I second ChangeMaker's post, just above.

Don't respond. I know it is hard. It must be!

You already gave her too much. 180...180.

You ARE doing great. You have no idea, now, but trust me. I've been here 5 months, and you're in elite "doing great" company compared to other newcomers I've seen march through here.

Go back to this site's Healing Library. Re-Read the 180 stuff. It will give you courage.

Good luck, UB. We're pulling for you.

[This message edited by CanoeVA at 11:59 AM, May 15th (Friday)]

I think it's easy to forget, given the length of this thread, your first post was only 2 days ago.

Your Dday was just over 2 months ago, you are a lot stronger, and a lot more switched on than you give yourself credit for.

You're starting to see through her cat and mouse game, you're starting to notice just how messed up this situation is.

It took me 6 years to realise that, in my case, don't put yourself down, Sir Cockwomble and your WW are doing that in spades.

Man, feeling and doing are two completely different things. I was an absolute paralyzed mess for almost four months. I lost 40 lbs. I don't know how the hell I didn't get fired from my job. I imagine I felt pretty much the same way you do now, but the difference is that you aren't completely paralyzed. You're able to DO things that are scary and counter intuitive in spite of the overwhelming pain. That's where all of the respect and admiration is coming from.

There's nothing wrong with you for loving your wife. There's nothing wrong with you for hanging on to false hope in such a scary and painful time. Just continue to DO what you're doing rather than succumbing to your pain. I know you probably feel about two inches tall, but please know that you're handling yourself much better than most at your stage in the process.

I guess I'm in a fog of my own.

I'm so mad. I'm so hurt. My soul is crushed. I can't sleep, I can't eat. I try to stay busy so mental images don't torment me constantly.

The co-dependence is strong, I guess. I made her such a large part of my identity for 11 years. I do keep longing for her to realize what she's done and make amends. I don't want to be without her. And I know I'm crazy. She's taken a baseball bat to my knees, a knife to my heart and now she's left me bleeding in the street as she skips away.

And yet, I am saddened by my loss and wish things could be different.

Everyone here tells me I'm so strong and I'm handling this well. I really don't feel like I am. I can't figure out how to get back up off this dirty, bloody street she left me lying in.

This is all perfectly normal...we have all been there...trust us. It will pass...you will make it pass. Keep reading the thing I posted...it helps. Read it...live it. Don't try to get inside her head and what she's thinking. Have ZERO expectations about what she will or won't do or feel or say. Worry about YOU and only YOU. The day I was able to pull myself out of the rubble of stress and misery that your experiencing was the day I decided that I would be perfectly fine with a divorce. It was the day I realized I can't control what she does/says/thinks...but I can control what I ALLOW to hurt me...what I ALLOW to occupy my mind. This is why we say do the 180 and detach over & over.

Look at it this way....THIS marriage is already over...YOUR WIFE ended it.

Of course you're hurt. Of course you miss her.

It's just because you're a good man.

Go ahead and cry. There's no shame in it. Just don't let her see it. She doesn't get to share your emotions anymore.

Whenever you feel like breaking the 180 guidelines, just remember how she behaves toward you when you ignore her compared to when you were letting her wipe her feet on you. There's a BIG difference.

You are forcing her to choose, and she doesn't like it. If she makes one move toward POSOM, you see that lawyer and file.

Don't forget; you can withdraw your petition for divorce after it has been filed. Sometimes the filing snaps the WW back. And sometimes, by then, the WS doesn't give a shit.

Do not engage her at all.

Read co dependent no more. Google it.

Read my PM

U&B,

You might think about putting a VAR in her car - under her seat or dash with valcro, and with some good lithium batteries (Duracel), so it will keep recording the entire weekend. If she does go for the weekend - she is going to call him on her burner phone the minute she pulls out of your driveway, and she will have a lot to say to him on her two hour drive there and back from him, not to mention their drive out to dinner, lunch and lets not forget, church. It's going to hurt when you have to listen to it, but at least you will know the truth and which direction she is heading, and you will be one step ahead of her... oh, and never reveal you source of info...

I agree with Changemaker

I like the idea of the VAR in the post above.

Everyone here tells me I'm so strong and I'm handling this well. I really don't feel like I am. I can't figure out how to get back up off this dirty, bloody street she left me lying in.

While you might feel this way, that's not how you appear to us or more importantly to your WW. You appear very strong, smart, and true. You no what's worse than how you feel right now? feeling that way for months, years, because you let her continue to string you along...that's what happened to many of us...and why we see you as so strong. We see what we wish we had said or done.