SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

That led into a big back and forth last night that is this how we will be living. Me checking on her 24/7, never trusting her on anything, not being husband and wife and being what we are now.

YES. That is exactly how life is going to be at this time until YOU (WW) rebuild all of the trust you threw away.

This is what happens when someone is lied to at this level and deceived like this. This is exactly what happens.

It is rather disgusting how so many WSs just do not understand just how devastating lying to their spouse is and the incredible damage it does.

Your wife doesn't get it at all which is probably what she is whining to about with her friend.

Gary !!! WTF !!!!!

Take control dude....... Stop dilly dallying

I did confirm she did have lunch with the friend I thought she was. I went out when she was gone and picked up 2 voice recorders. I will see what that turns out since I will be out of the house for work. Not much besides that I kept busy and did stuff on my own motly.

good deal on the VARS. Are they instaleld and secured tightly ?

Western, I have not installed them. I got a PM from a poster here that is sending me info on what to do and how to set it up so it works best. I want to see since it seems they have good experience and knowledge on this and I do it the right way.

Don't be me someday..

Retirement age..Worked a lifetime to earn enough pension- savings to barely support myself (one person) for life if I don't have to pay rent, utilities somewhere..When a D happens I will be looking at losing 1/2 of what I earned over 3 1/2 decades..

No matter the outcome of the relationship, insist that she get in a position to be able to support herself pronto..

She will have to do this if the marriage ends in D anyway..Just that any split from a life with her will ruin your future a bit less (financially)

Bottom line is that you will get a pretty good clarity into whether she is interested in R with YOU or simply doesn't want to lose the comforts of home..

If the two of you get along reasonably well, whether or not she cheats, believe me the years will zoom by in no time..

And you may end up in your 60's frustrated more often than not, going thru life with a partner whom you have lost respect for..And want out of the marriage this late in life...And have a hard time seeing a way out that keeps your quality of life intact..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 8:07 AM, April 11th (Monday)]

Western, I wanted to tell you that after my PM info I received I ended up going and getting the right setup and kind. I didn't get a good enough one prior. The poster who sent the information was very helpful. I feel like I have it set up properly.

I have two going. One in the car and one in the living room. I feel this is my best options as she does most of her talking in that room or driving.

As I told the other poster in a PM I feel my feelings and anger have changed but I think I just need something concrete to make the move. I don't want to find more betrayal but if its happening I want to know. Hopefully these recorders get me what I need.

I probably don't need to say this, Gary, but steel yourself up for some outrageously hurtful shit. Okay?

This has to be done, but I never see a case here where it was easy. Reading texts and knowing detail was hard for me; I can only imagine hearing it would be shattering. Good luck and be strong. We are here for you

Canoe VA, thanks for the tip. I thought about this too but I am someone that needs to know and see things to make a move and such. Plus from what I have read and know so far is already disgusting what can be worse.

I mean I know this guy was in my bed, I know the lies she has spewed about me so let me have it.

Just wanted to say thanks to all that have told me to get the voice recorders and GPS in the car. I needed to take more action. Since I just put them in I don't have much yet but the little I have I have seen some things that others here told me and I didn't know it.

She has not contacted the other guy but she spends all day on the phone with these group of women. I mean all day back and forth about nonsense mostly. All they do is talk about other people and complain about this and that. Of course my wife is complaining I have not forgiven her and she is so distressed on what is happening. Why cant I just know she is sorry and it wont happen again? That she made a mistake?

I also know the other man has been kicked out of the house pending the divorce and is staying with a friend, in town of course. But I now see she needs to get a job asap. I mean she spends time on the phone all day and watching tv crap. No work is being done around the house.

I am so disappointed in her not just the cheating obviously but she is throwing our marriage away.

Of course my wife is complaining I have not forgiven her

Your wife is getting so-called advice from her friends, and that is screwing up any chance at R.

Did your wife ever read anything like Not Just Friends and How to help your spouse heal from an affair.

She could probably use IC, but only an IC that understands affairs and the damage caused. Your wife needs to be told in no uncertain terms that she is 100% responsible for this and no one else. She needs to be told by a professional exactly how to take responsibility and right now.

Because her constantly talking to her friends is only solidifying her pity party about herself.

Craig, I gave her all this stuff to read and she was like if this helps you I will. I said I don't want that to be the reason you have to want to. She showed me she downloaded some of them on her ipad. But when I look at her ipad its on a tab but so is pinterest, shopping links and other crap so who knows.

Yeah i hear you. I mean if this was reversed i know some of my friends would be like dude you screwed up you got to make it right or something. Its like they all just pump each other up. I am waiting to see if she asks or plans to go to their beach weekend. They like to go down to the opening of the beach and the bars etc as a girls getaway. I want her to on her own say that is not a good idea for me and my marriage.

I am waiting to see if she asks or plans to go to their beach weekend. They like to go down to the opening of the beach and the bars etc as a girls getaway.

If she insists on going to this, then she doesn't get it at all and probably never will and then the divorce decision has to be made.

With affairs, there has to be consequences, and weekends away and girls nights that she can no longer go to until trust is completely rebuilt is one of those consequences.

You will have some answers if she even brings it up.

I want to tell you that I think you are a great guy and a great Dad. I'm sorry you are going through this crap. That wife of yours is one lucky girl - I hope she pulls her head out of her rear soon and realizes it. She sounds very selfish and self centered. Maybe almost losing you will wake her up. I think you have handled this as well as anyone could have. I'd push for her to get a job like yesterday. I'm sorry but I could not imagine having a school age kid and letting my hubby work 2 jobs so I could sit home all day and play while the kid is in school. I think if you want to end up happily ever after with her she is going to need to change. Not just stop being a cheating wife stop being a crappy wife all around. You really do deserve better - Now you just need to believe it!!!

Yes sounds like she needs to hear some hard truths from a good counselor and not sympathy from friends.

Gary,

I am glad you found some things on the VARS. Combined with her affair, this is not good.

I agree with Craig, she goes to the beach she should be met with papers when she gets back. In the meantime, give her some type of warning on not going. See if she heeds it

their beach weekend. They like to go down to the opening of the beach and the bars etc

The "etc" part in the quote must mean sex. Dude, you live in NJ, you know what the hell she is doing at the Jersey shore bars, right? Jeez, man, she has been doing this every summer? With the girls in her posse? I'm sorry, but this is a whole cheating lifestyle. I seriously doubt this was her first time. If you polygraph her, you will find out. Even if she's not doing it, which is a longshot, she definitely is watching her girls do it. And she thinks that is all just fine. That's why she is talking with you the way she does. She is indoctrinated. She is one of them. She thinks that lifestyle is normal.

donotlietome, wow thank you for your words and encouragement. What is sad I felt more appreciated reading your post than I have in my house last couple months.

Western, I agree if anything these voice recorders even if I am not getting cheating talk yet I am getting more insight to my wife. That helps me.

wk55hn, I did laugh at this and it was needed. But I don't live in that part of NJ. We are not near the sore where Snooki and then hang. I am on the south part long way from there, Cape May, Avalon, Sea Isle sections and so.

Sorry I know my post here is getting long any everyone has spent a lot of time helping but I just wanted to ask something. I have read conflicting opinions on the subject.

I want to know if I should push my wife to get this part time job we talked about or I am just setting myself for trouble?

After reading on here and such I felt like I was taken advantage of me working like crazy and her not doing much but having an affair. So I said I wanted her to start working some and not just volunteering at the school. Thru people we know she got offered a front desk job at a karate place. It be like 2-3 days a week. But others have said it could be another opportunity to step out.

Why I am asking is now I have put the voice recorders in, I have not gotten any evidence of anymore cheating but I am hearing she spends all her time talking to the other women all day every day. Thru group talks and one on one its constant. I cant believe people can want to talk that much. Doesn't seem anything else gets done. Still no talk with the other guy but I am getting tired of hearing our marriage discussed with these other women and her just sitting around.

Getting a part-time job is not going to make her cheat. If she is a unremorseful cheater she will cheat regardless. My opinion is that she has way to much time on her hands. Yes, she will meet more guys at the job but... she will also have a little less opportunity to act on her impulses. You've already tried her now working and she cheated... why not have her work? Also, if it ever comes to divorce you will be in a better position.