SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Gary - obviously the work, don't work, or work part time is a decision you two need to make on your own. But I don't think folks have been advising you to have her work out of any sense of her needing fulfillment.

If things fall apart your potential burden for spousal support will be calculated based on YOUR current income and her income/ability to work. I.e. you get to be on the hook for continuing to work multiple job to support her AFTER a divorce.

Everyone has been very consistent in their advice to you. Your wife is not a good candidate for reconciliation and you are taking a very huge risk of committing yourself to a huge financial burden.

She needs to be working full time and contributing so you do not get left holding the bag. One of the other posters was pretty blunt, but I tend to agree with him... She is treating as a sugar daddy... and you are setting yourself up to make that a life long role even if she moves on to a new guy.

You really need to consider...

1) She works full time and contributes to 1/2 the household expenses;

2) if anyone needs a post-nup you are the guy

Yes her working seems to give lots of different opinions here. I think all are valid but it seems there is a mix of make her get a job to don't as she will cheat again for whatever. Its a mindscrew.

The problem is that she or any married woman is going to have an affair no matter what if they want to. They will have an affair if they have some unresolved mental issues, and they will have an affair if they do not understand boundaries.

Men will hit on her no matter what, because there are a lot of guys that are pigs. How she handles it all is what matters, and if she needs this outside validation she will accept the attention and the boundary crossing starts all over again.

Some learn from their past mistakes and others dont.

You are right Craig, I cant keep her in a bubble so if she works, goes to the grocery store whatever there is always a chance on that. I cant worry about What Ifs anymore and try to control what I cant.

Im just exhausted. I know you all are from reading this too. But I am not feeling healthy anymore about it all. My mind and body from stress and just dealing with it is taking its toll on me. When I think she is starting to get it to a point she does something and resets all that she does.

When I got home last night I was beat. I think she believes that I am just going to be back to normal any day now. I was tired so laying on the couch watching tv. She comes in the room and just starts firing questions at me. Am I leaving her? When can we start acting like a married couple again? When will my hatred die down. I just said I don't hate you but this will take time. We will have good days and bad days I cant predict. She of course made it about her. How stressed she is that our marriage is going to be over and I am leaving, I am falling out of love with her. She became hysterical. I didn't have the energy to deal or get into it. She runs into the bedroom slamming doors and just crying so loud. I finally go in cause I don't want her son to hear this. She flips out that the old me would have calmed her down and held her and such.

She was shouting so I am the town whore now is that it? You want me to shout it all over what is it? I just said please calm down this is not helping. So of course her son wakes up and is crying cause he sees and hears his mom. After I calm him down and put him to bed I go back and she is telling me that see the family senses I am leaving that they are a mess. I felt that my head was going to explode.

I don't know if what I am doing is right or wrong move but I need some sanity. I am leaving tonight after work and going to visit a college buddy in DC. I am going to just take some time for myself. I get so anxious when I pull up to my home these days I feel sick at times. I left her a note that I would be gone for the weekend.

What disappoints me is I feel she wants the marriage to work just cant get out of her own way to do it. I don't think she knows how to react with me hurting and needing things for me. I listed to some of the recorders last night. Still no talk or anything with the other guy. But still constant talk with the other women about how I hate her and she is worried I am going to leave. Some call her out on her crap but I am mad she is still confiding with this one that is openly cheating on her husband. Why she would want to stay friends with this woman. This friend is almost bragging that she is going to cheat when they go down for the beach weekend. Now she is talking about the new hot young trainer at the gym she is flirting with. I feel so bad for the husband but I cant say anything yet and lose my cover of listening.

Thanks I just needed to let some of this out.

Jeeze, she needs to get her head on straight. What did she think was going to happen?

The unicorns and golden rainbows disappeared quickly.

You do need to spend some time thinking,

Is it worth it?

Hell yes you are beat, that is what liars do to a person, they wear them down to nothing. If its not lying it is total oblivion to what they did.

When can we start acting like a married couple again?

Your answer should be the same, as soon as she realizes exactly what she did and how is she going to fix herself. For starters, read the books you recommended.

Is your wife going on the beach trip?

She should not, that is a consequence of cheating and lying.

Would be nice to clue this other friend of hers husband as to what his wife intends to do.

Life is getting real for your princess. Yes, some actions have severe and long term consequences.

"When will things be normal again?"

Never.

Maybe she has no idea what you expect and need going forward. The rugsweeper in her wants to apologize and have it back to normal. She'll have to learn there is no more normal. At least not the way it was. To work, it must be a completely new M with a new set of boundaries and expectations.

One step back towards sanity is to formulate a plan of action.

Have you started on your list of expectations for her? The things that she must do in order to have a chance of reconciling with you. This is not an excercise of punishing her. This is an exercise of reconciliation and re-building broken trust. Actions & changes, not words.

Brother, I live with a "rugsweeper by nature". After more than 2 years since D-day there are still very hard days. You have been handling so much for her for a long time. But you can't clean up this mess for her. She has to feel & deal with what she did. Don't give her a timeline for when things will be okay. If you do R, a lot of that will be determined by how much work she is willing to put in. Regardless, it takes a long time. I'm talking years not months.

Emotional outbursts like last night are part of the cheaters handbook. While that was happening, did you start to feel guilty? Did she sound like the victim? DON'T LET IT HAPPEN. Walk away and let her cry. Never let the emotions distract you from these facts. This affair was 100% her choice and her fault. You hold no responsibility or fault for her affair. She screwed him while you were out working your ass off to support her and her son. She ought to be asking you what she needs to do.

Yes, she is selfish and ungrateful. Notice how, despite the apology and tears, this has already become all about her? How long will SHE have to wait? Damage control for what HER friends and family think. When will you get back in bed with her? Already she is trying to put things on her terms and her schedule.

Don't back down in your demands. Don't feel sorry for her and let things go. She has to understand the marriage will end if your needs, expectations and boundaries are not met.

The weekend trip sounds like a great move. Enjoy yourself and take some time to breathe. And work on that list.

All the best

Mate some people are just wired a certain way---selfish.

It doesn't really matter to their other half until some thing like this happens.

Then you realise there is probably no fixing or changing them, because this just what they're like.

It always was, but you just had the rose tinted specs on.

Did you ever put the "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" book in front of her and demand she read it? It was a huge mind-shift for my fWW. It can be a great fog-breaker, as is MacDonald's other book "what will you become?"

IMO take a good hard look at your future here.

You're going to have a Shitty life for this? You don't have that much time invested here. You could do much better. I would not sacrifice years for this. You have no children with her. If you stay in misery it's on you. Why????

You worked harder so she could stay home. She really appreciated huh. Now instead of trying to help you she turns into a bitch because you can't just get over it.

The affair is all on her. You screwing your life up by staying in this is all on you. It's your future and you do not owe her or her son anything.

You dont love and respect yourself no ones going to. She's pissed only because she doesn't want to lose her free ride meal ticket.

[This message edited by Marc878 at 9:42 AM, April 22nd (Friday)]

I had to "instruct" my WW on what I need even after her reading the materials suggested and more... I don't see this as an issue. I can't read her mind nor should I expect her to read mine. Give her some guidance, it may just start the ball rolling for her. It took some time and an IC change (one that is making a difference) but WW is now starting to think deeply into what led her to this behavior and grasp the damage. Now I'll start watching the actions.... For up to now WWs words meant nothing, the actions were the opposite because she just did not know...

Mine said same thing... It was not about the sex....

Couple responses to some of the questions here. Thanks for helping to all.

No she has not said she is going to the beach trip shockingly I know. Thru the voice recorders they all talk about the trip. She says that it would not be a good idea to go. Now couple of the other women agree and have told her yeah that is the better choice. The other woman the one that is cheating like crazy on her husband is the one telling her to go that it would be good for us to re charge and think alone. But she has not approached me about going.

Now usually I would have felt like a victim and rushed to console her but I didn't last night. I am spent to be honest. I almost feel numb with everything at this point. Which probably shocked her more that I was just like calm down please and that was it.

Yes I gave her so many materials you all gave me to read. She put some on her ipad and showed me but didn't look like she read much. Plus from the VAR she is not reading when she is on the phone all day with the friends or shopping online.

Me leaving this weekend has got her going. My phone is blowing up thru her calling and texts. Saying that I am going to cheat on her to get back at her, that to come home please don't go, am I going for a divorce and why am I so cold to her. Plus she is like are you not going to her sons little league game on Sat? Why am I punishing him for her mistakes and so on.

What she fails to realize I am not asking much from her and she doesn't see that. She will seem to get it and do something to show me ok there is light here but turn around and mess it up.

I was just telling someone that even little things she could do. I am still getting up in the mornings and getting her sons lunch together and making sure he gets to the bus ok and such. She is just sleeping away. I was hoping on the nights I work the 2nd job over night she could do that.

I hate that my wife the love of my life is disappointing me so much.

I would ask you this. When are you going to recognize her for who/what she is????

You seem to be looking for who you though she was.

I believe you are in deep denial of who she really is.

Retread your thread and pretend it's s friend asking what you thought. What would you tell him?

[This message edited by Marc878 at 10:02 AM, April 22nd (Friday)]

Go out of town this weekend without her and don't even think twice about it. This trip is for you only. Missing one ball game is not causing the son to suffer.

These reactions are typical for a manipulative cheater when they see the 180. She can't handle that she's not controlling you anymore.

Just respond bluntly that you are going on this trip alone.

Do not counter her attacks about you starting an affair or going for a divorce. Don't get baited into that argument. Don't answer any questions except that you are going alone and when you will be back. Detach and try to have a fun weekend.

You see, this is something you should do without guilt, even if she never cheated. A little time for yourself. There is nothing deceitful or wrong about that.

Go out of town this weekend without her and don't even think twice about it. This trip is for you only. Missing one ball game is not causing the son to suffer.

These reactions are typical for a manipulative cheater when they see the 180. She can't handle that she's not controlling you anymore.

Just respond bluntly that you are going on this trip alone.

Do not counter her attacks about you starting an affair or going for a divorce. Don't get baited into that argument. Don't answer any questions except that you are going alone and when you will be back. Detach and try to have a fun weekend.

You see, this is something you should do without guilt, even if she never cheated. A little time for yourself. There is nothing deceitful or wrong about that.

The other woman the one that is cheating like crazy on her husband is the one telling her to go that it would be good for us to re charge and think alone.

What that other woman wants when she says think alone is dangerous and what she wants it so get validation her affairs are okay.

Your wife freaking out saying you are going to have an affair is ridiculous on her part. Not everyone cheats, but her mind thinks they do.

She needs to read those books instead of talking to friends and shopping online all day.

If she cannot read those books, then she doesnt consider what she did very wrong, and that needs to change.

Marc, maybe I am in denial you could be right. I know I am getting more and more frustrated with her everyday it seems. But I know my emotions and pain are making me focus on her cheating but I have to be open to everything at the same time. I know it doesn't look like it but there is a lot of good with my wife too. I know it doesn't seem like it but there is. Maybe I am clinging to that too much? I don't know.

Lionshare, thanks and trust me I am not going to respond and get in a back and forth with her. I don't have the energy and will to even do it. So let her stew on what I am doing this weekend is fine by me.

Craig good point on that other woman. She probably just wants more of the others to be in her mind of cheating is ok. What my wife should know if what would make me happy is if she used this weekend and read the stuff I gave her. But I don't know if I would bet on that.

Reading your story is like watching a train wreck in slow motion. You have done all you can to help her save the M. What else can you do? Feeling numb last night is very telling. I believe a part of you is already beginning to emotionally detach, and every day she spends fucking around on the phone while not doing any of the work necessary is a day closer to you throwing the towel in. There are some WS's who just never "get it" either out of choice or because they genuinely can't. It is up to you as the BS to decide which it is and whether you can tolerate that or not.

This trip away will do you good. While on it, do not talk to her at all if you can help it. Just clear your mind and distract yourself because this mess is clearly taking an emotional toll on you. If you read your own comments from the beginning till now you will see the shift in tone. You sound beaten down now. Take care of yourself brother.

jigga, YES exactly you nailed it. I feel different I can tell. I don't want to but I am. I sense my own behavior changing. I don't want to feel like this but its taking over. Last night for example usually if my was having an emotional breakdown like she was I would have rushed in and consoled her, making sure she was better. But I didn't feel any of that. I just wanted her to quiet down to not wake her son.

I get so frustrated reading this board. I have read countless and countless stories from women that cheated on their husbands and did so much to get it right. I would have settled for 1/10th of what some of them women did for me.

I am not even stressed on the other guy like I was when this all happened. Its all more on my wife and what is going on with us. I don't like feeling dead inside but she literally is making me feel like crap more and more. I take her little bits here and there and try to will myself this is the road back and I get let down again.

Thanks and I am not going to contact her this weekend. I don't even want to think about her, although I am getting text after text still from her begging me not to go.

I've been following your story. I wish I had got to the point you have a lot sooner than I did. I know you feel like crap, but you're actually in a position of power now. When we're needy and begging them, we're weak and they take full advantage. I know it's shit, but take full advantage of the disconnect you are feeling.

Don't tell her where you're going or who you're with. Let her experience the insecurity she shoved on you. Let her feel the real consequences of what she chose to do. She deserves everything she feels right now.

Ignore her texts - I wish I had that strength when FWS put me through this hell. I couldn't stop texting her and she gave me crickets. She didn't deserve any of my texts yet I demeaned myself over and over for someone totally not worthy.

Enjoy your weekend away. Use it to gather your strength and appreciate your worth. Let her stew in the mess she created. Let her lie in that dirty bed she made.

[This message edited by Sadielost at 12:29 PM, April 22nd (Friday)]

In my case there was no way around it: my wife was such a mess I spent most of my time restoring her sense of self-worth and goodness. It didn't run much the other way.

I think when a person realizes what they have done, and I mean REALLY understand it, they become inconsolable. Whatever else can be said about my life, I can honestly say I have never visited any real pain on someone else.

For someone with a moral compass the knowledge that they have is terrifying.

And because that is the case I think you have some thinking to do. It is clear your reconciliation will be about re-assuring her, and not about helping you.

And so I ask the question of you that I never asked myself: do you care enough and respect her to reconcile knowing you will be doing the heavy lifting.

My wife forced my hand, she tried to kill herself. But take time answering the question I have posed. Ask yourself if you really think she is strong enough to help you.