SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Big question here, Gary.

What does she really bring to this relationship ?

Further, why don't you feel used ?

Finally, why don't you think you can do better ?

Saying that you get hit on in the warehouse is one thing. But at least they are producing there. How many of them would cheat on you while you were busting your ass elsewhere and in your own bed ?

Gary, I am trying to break you of your codependency because you fit the model. Not a 2x4 but just an observation.

You are setting yourself up to be used for the rest of your life.

I know this will seem like I am advocating for divorce. yes and no. I am advocating for you to get out of this "I love her regardless of anything" mode and start thinking about you and the rest of your life.

There are opportunities out there career wise, geographically and women who won't cheat on you in your own bed. But you seem to settle for less and support a kid who is not even yours.

You need to see the value in yourself before anyone here can help you. As long as you are willing to settle for what she has given you there is noone here who can help you to the extent you need IMO

[This message edited by Western at 8:21 PM, April 7th (Thursday)]

Western again you get me to see the truth or what is going on I don’t see. What she brought to the relationship I would say her son. Hes been a blessing and something I treasure. I only post what has happened since her cheating but we have had good times. She has been loving to me. But yes I can admit looking at it from a distance yes I probably have brought more to the marriage than her.

I do feel used. The affair eats at me everyday. I mean the woman I pledged my life with and have done everything for her has betrayed me. Yeah I get it. I been duped and used. And I am pissed about it. I am fighting that with my love for her.

I don’t know why I don’t think I can do better. I wish I could convey her before the affair you see what I seen maybe. Plus her son. They gave me stability when I needed it. I don’t know. I feel bad walking away from all of that. I know I look like a sucker I get it. I am going to get the voice recorder. If I see that I think I can move on. Again I thank all that have given advice and I know I am being an idiot so please ignore me. I am just a guy struggling to leave his wife he loves even with the cheating.

It's not uncommon to not see the truth. Hence, love is blind.

You are like most who come here 100% trusting. Working hard for the family, etc.

It's tough trying to see someone other that what you thought they were.

You won't be the first or last to do this.

However it's time you woke up.

Sorry man

Gary:

I don’t know why I don’t think I can do better. I wish I could convey her before the affair you see what I seen maybe. Plus her son. They gave me stability when I needed it. I don’t know. I feel bad walking away from all of that. I know I look like a sucker I get it. I am going to get the voice recorder. If I see that I think I can move on. Again I thank all that have given advice and I know I am being an idiot so please ignore me. I am just a guy struggling to leave his wife he loves even with the cheating.

I've had a few comments along the way and continue to follow your thread. It makes my heart hurt because with each and every post I say to myself "yeah, me too". You are not a sucker or an idiot although there are times I've said that to myself when looking in the mirror. I'm saying it less frequently these days.

What you are is a hard working, generous and caring person who loves his family and would do anything in the world for them. You have morals, integrity and are an all around decent human being. This is not to say your WW is not but her behavior screams that something is wrong and/or missing within her. Has that issue or issues always been there or did she slowly change over time? We both remember all the good times we've had. We both have tons of great memories with our spouse and son(s). But we also both remember the holidays, birthdays and other family events that we thought were still great while our WWs essentially lived a double life with another man. That is such a heavy, painful load to process. Trust me, I do understand.

We are both "fixers". We fix things and we've been taking care of and fixing things for our WWs since we met them. It took me a long time to realize however that I can't fix this. Neither can you. We can't fix them. Only our WWs can fix whatever is broken inside of them. If they choose not to do even attempt to do the work, the outcome is predetermined.

I'm not here to tell you I have any concrete answers. I don't. I don't know what my future will bring. I don't know if there will be someone better for me out there. I don't know what my life will look like in 5 years when my sons are in or just finished with college. Does this scare me? Yeah because 7 months ago I had a picture in my mind what life would generally look like and the person I trusted most in the world took that from me. Overnight. I'm worried but determined to move ahead taking care of my sons and living an honest life.

My only real advice is go easy on yourself. You do deserve REAL respect, love and trust with whoever you choose to live out the remainder of your life with. You are not simply a paycheck, stability or Plan B. Stay true to who Gary really is and let go of the outcome.

I sincerely wish you the best.

Hang in there DaybyDay you sound like a great father and husband. I hope you get the outcome you desire and deserve too. I relate to your back and forth and worry too.

After reading thru some more on this site on how the people who cheated made it up to their spouse I got more frustrated.

I asked her last night any progress on reading on the links I sent and told you about? She said she "looked at some stuff here and there". She said if its that important to you I will. I replied that why don't you want to read it for yourself? She is just holding to that she will not cheat again, that to her she is never going to get caught up in that again. How can we go forward if I am wanting her to do this or that?

I said I don't know how you cant see but I am struggling here, I am hurting and sick over what happened to me. I said you have no idea most guys would have left right on the spot and you are pushing me to do the same with your lack of action.

She of course cried and cried saying if there was a way to take it back she would that she wants us to be together always. I went to my room and read. She has sent me like 10 texts today while I am at work begging and apologizing for it. I am anxious to see if she is talking to the group today about this and what she is saying to them.

How can we go forward if I am wanting her to do this or that?

You tell her there IS absolutely no going forward from where you sit until she does a cranial rectal extraction. Until she figures out what EMPATHY is, until that new found empathy helps her to some self-driven action to show YOU that she MAY be worth the risk of trying to build a new relationship with. She hasn't even earned an interview for the job yet, and by no means is she a shoo-in, but right now, she is showing you she's not even interested in the job.

She is in poor-me mode. It isn't so attractive is it? The longer she wallows there, the less and less charming this princess's spell will be.

Gary - talk is cheap. Actions are what counts. All you have got from her is talk, talk, talk; rug sweep and get over it. She has done NOTHING that even remotely looks like minimal work, let alone the had work to fix the situation.

If she won't voluntarily go the ACTIONS to fix what she broke then you have to. At some point the only person that is responsible for getting yourself out of this situation is you.

I truly hope that either she wakes up, has her epiphany and does all the very reasonable things you have asked her to do; or you find the strength to take the ACTIONS necessary to get yourself out of this situation.

Gary, I am not exagerrating, the active cheaters cannot read those articles about "how to heal the betrayed." Like it was kryptonite. I don't know why they can't fake it, but apparently they can't.

If you want her to read those articles, you will have to sit with her and read them together. I am curious to see if she can do that even if you sit with her. I think that after 5 minutes she will walk away because she suddenly needs to do the laundry or clean the bathroom. Then you will see her surfing Facebook.

There are a few oddball things that are true, but don't know why about cheaters. One is that a wayward mindset can't read those articles. Another is if they swear on the lives of their kids or parents, they are lying.

So at the end of the conversation about this, you had no resolution.

You told her that many guys would just leave if cheated on like that. I could almost hear her brain saying silently later on, "but you are not leaving me, so what does it matter what some guys would do?"

Gary, I posted earlier that this will not stay the same. She will ultimately move in one direction toward you or away from you, and you will move in a direction toward or away from her.

It is OK to wait, especially because ofvyour son. Given that she is who she is, maybe you could deal with her lack of effort as long as she doesn't screw it up anymore. You may decide that you are OK with that because of your love for your son and hope she eventually "gets it." A lot of people here never would stay like that, but some would leave immediately. You have to do what's best for you.

Did your wife ever set up an appointment for STDs? Tell her you need to see the results.

I regularly would tell my wife "I don't trust you.". She would either be silent or say " I'm sorry I did this." I was not jealous and completely trusted her. I still am not jealous. I trust her, when I try to type "completely" it makes my fingers twitch.

You and your wife are not too old to have another child. I know about the miscarriages. What does your wife feel about it? Did she want to keep trying, or take a break and then try again? Or she now wouldn't want to even if she could?

Have you ever considered becoming the legal father for your son? What would your wife think about that? What legal obstacles are there?

How has your son been throughout this ordeal? Can he see the difference? Has he mentioned anything about it to you or her? What is his relationship with you vs your wife? Who is the disciplinarian? When does he go to you and when does he go to her?

Do you feel there is any under-pining that you can sense that your wife is holding your son over your head? That she knows if the marriage fails, you will be doubly heartbroken because of your son? Or does she do the little bit she does because she is worried that if you leave, it will devastate your son? How does your son play into this whole evaluation to stay or go?

[This message edited by wk55hn at 3:12 PM, April 8th (Friday)]

It really sucks that you are in his situation Gary. There are many WS's that would kill to be given the chances you've given your WS. You have already laid out your conditions for moving forward. Rehashing those conditions with her and pressing her to follow them is not going to help your cause. It just makes the boundaries you have set seem flexible and negotiable. You have done what is required of you. The ball is now in her court. I hope that she snaps out of the mentality of rug sweeping and thinking this is all about her before it is too late. As patient as you have been, there will come a time when you will no longer be able to tolerate this situation.

In the mean time, take care of yourself and stick to the 180. Good luck brother.

Hi, what's the newest on your IC? Have you perhaps taken a look at No more mr. nice guy?

She of course cried and cried saying if there was a way to take it back she would

We all wish that, and of course it is impossible. So her words are not helping.

If she wanted to help, she would read the things you want her to read, like "how to help your spouse heal from the affair."

Just tell her that unless she can build a time machine, her words do not help the situation.

Gary,

Take this day by day.

What are your objectives today ?

What is your gameplan to try and move forward ? What specifically are you going to do today to begin executing your gameplan ?

wk55hn, I want to respond to what you asked. I have not looked into being legal wit her son. I guess I never thought about it since we were married and his father is not in the picture. I don't think her son knows what is going on but I think he sees something is going on. I know I am different in front of my wife I don't try to be when he is around. But he did ask her why I was not sleeping in the room. He was not feeling well and went in our room to ask for medicine and noticed I was not there.

We had stopped trying to get pregnant as the miscarriages were really hard on her. She said each time she had one part of her was dying too. I hated to see her get so upset so I thought best we take it off the table.

I don't know what to think or say about if she is worried if I leave her son being hurt or if he is a bargaining chip to her. I want to think she would not do that but I also didn't think she would have slept with another man too so I guess anything is possible right?

She said she was making the STD appointment but I have not heard more or see any results just mine.

She said she would read the stuff I asked but I told her that I needed her to read it for herself to learn and see not just so it might get us having sex again. Myself I have been reading stuff told in here like doing 180 and such. I have not made any appointment for IC but after reading more in here I think I need to do that.

Yesterday I needed something to be looked at that was home. I called both her cell and houseline. Nothing. Text not answered. After some time she called back saying her phone was in her purse that she was at a friends place. I said I couldn't just take her word let me call right back on their landline see if she picks up and is actually there. She pushed back that was embarrassing her and a little much. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I said fine don't give me the number and I will be leaving tonight. So she gave me the number I called and she was there. That led into a big back and forth last night that is this how we will be living. Me checking on her 24/7, never trusting her on anything, not being husband and wife and being what we are now. I said I didn't like doing this either but I gave her full trust and look where it got me. I said she is making it harder all the time for me to move on with us.

I knew after that she was distraught. When she got into the shower later I took her phone. She was texting on her girlfriends saying you free tomorrow (today) I need to talk about some stuff I am so upset. Let me know. So she told me she had to run some errands today and might meet up with her for lunch. I wish I could know what that is going to be about and said.

Follow her.

Wayward trick number three. Put the AP contact in your phone as a friend.

Mone did it. Even BEFORE IHad proof.

How does putting the AP in your phone as a friend help track the WW?

Sounds interesting...

I agree with tushnurse...from the very beginning, ow taught my H the ropes when it came to sneaking about. If this isn't the AP's first rodeo, then he's also sharing his tricks with your WW.

I knew my FWH was ready for reconciliation when he welcomed my surveillance. He could sense I was embarrassed by my need to check up on him. He sat me down and said "how else will you know I'm being honest? Every time you go through my phone and find nothing or check my location and see I'm where I said - that's another coin in the trust bank. I WANT you looking and watching - I NEED you to see who I am today."

Do you have a VAR (voice activated recorder)? You should have 2 - one for the home where she's most comfortable talking on the phone and one for the car.....

No Jm - it's a trick the WS uses to throw the bs off - it reads like the text is for the best friend Tiffany but really, it's sent to the AP...

I see.

My wife just put "Jay" in her phone under contacts.

Columbo she is not....

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I think your wife is talking to her friend, but she should be talking to you.

She is right, can't live that way checking up on her, but you tell her she caused you to lose her trust, it takes awhile to earn that back, she is not helping by not reading to understand that. And now LYING about where she is going for "errands" to talk to her "coach" or "poor me" friend.