SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder to make your entitled princess and her family happy?

You are NOT wasting anyone's time brother. Stick around, we will keep helping as long as you need.

So she's proposing no changes for her at all? Just a promise of "I won't do it again?"

Now is the time for you to set your expectations. If you haven't yet, now is the time to expose. Not out of maliciousNess, but an expectation of support.

BTW, it took me 8 months to commit to R. I waited for her to show me that she was not only capable of making the changes I expected, but eager to.

Strength

I should be home trying to fix my family not bailing.

BS, you didn't break it and you cannot fix what you didn't break. Make them understand that.

Your wife is full of nothing but empty promises, while the others seems to think you are the one to fix this mess that you had nothing to do with in the first place.

Your wife's empty promises are nothing, and you need to explain that to her. She talks and talks, yet what has she done. Has she read one book yet.

NO, she is too busy to fix what she broke.

to avoid confusion I don't know what details my inlaws know. All I know is they know from my step son that we are fighting and my wife said the same. I don't know if they know the cheating part, I would lean no as my father in law is a stand up guy mostly I cant see him just shrugging that off so easily.

I want to say first off I didn't realize my posts were making it seem like my wife is a loser and I am perfect. Far from it on both accounts and that was never my intention.

Let me rephrase it. Her actions make her a loser, not your description of it. It might not be your intention to portray her as such because she is your wife and you love her but her actions are that of one.

She was very upset telling me that I promised I would not be like her exes and take care of her and her son.

But the other stuff she reminded me that I knew before marriage she was spoiled, not the best homemaker and cook and someone who liked a spotless house. That I never complained before her cheating so why is that all an issue. And you kknow she is not wrong on that. Or maybe it did bother me I just didn't say anything and used to doing it myself.

This is what I meant. She manipulates you. Cheats on you. Does not work. Entitled. Shameless. Actually I am still shocked at her logic and reasons. You got so used to her craziness that you are actually questioning yourself.

She just said not all women show love the same way.

How does she? Give me one redeeming feature?

[This message edited by kimichi at 1:30 PM, April 24th (Sunday)]

kimichi, yes that is spot on I am questioning everything. Even myself. My head cant stay focused I go from all these things that bother me about her than later I move on to how could I be a better husband.

As for her qualities, we just have the best times together obviously pre the affair and us not in a good place now. But I generally enjoyed spending time with her and not just husband and wife stuff we could hang out like buddies. I consider myself low maitanence (maybe she would say different just my opinion) I don't require a lot to be happy. She just made me happy her and her son. Unlike some of my friends I was not in a sexless marriage so all in all I didn't have many complaints. I would wish she was more motivated to do little more for herself and time but she was happy so why push it.

But I don't know this made me see her differently. I started to feel less appreciated than I should. I have read so many posts here and I am like man these wives do a lot for their husbands. Maybe I am just complaining cause of the second job I am more exhausted. Before I didn't mine doing most of the chores and running around but now I am feeling little spent.

My wife can be very charming, obviously she had a guy blow up his marriage over her, but underneath that charm is someone with low self esteem and very needy. She lives for the approval from anyone.

Gary, I don't know if you've seen my post - what's the situation regarding your IC and have you read any books, such as No more mr. nice guy (that's available online for free)?

Whoa.

Your wife can be charming..and that's why a married man cheated on his wife with her??

Wow. No. He cheated on his wife with her because she has no boundaries, and because she made it easy for him.

Sorry...But your wife is no prize.

Tell your in-laws the truth. All if it.

Sorry Hobbes I must have missed it my bad man. Yes I did read a lot of what you all gave me here. I read some of that and the 180 stuff. I read it and it sounds great. I can see why it would work in a lot of cases. I gotta be honest with you and I know I am going to get killed for this. Its not my nature to do some of that. No matter how pissed I am I cant just act like that to her in a lot of ways. Its a flaw I know and if I was you I would want to slap me too.

Full disclosure and I didn't want to post too much personal stuff with me but it probably is my homelife. My mom did not value herself for a time and it showed in her love life. She went thru a lot of guys and lets just say they used and abused her that really messed her up for a long time. It was tough on my sister and I to witness it. I vowed to never treat women like that so maybe I am little to easy in that regard. My sister blames it on letting my wife off the hook to easy always has told me that.

As for IC I have not. Right now I am stretched pretty thin with work, my step son with little league and coming up I am helping a friend put a deck up on his house. Obviously I probably need it and when things settlew down will

You are not low maintenance, you are negative maintenance from the looks of it. You have zero maintenance and in addition, you do a lot of her work. You are working like a dog and you seem to be used to it. The amount of work you do is not normal man. You work two jobs. You do all the house work. You cook.

So, you think she will use her son against you if you file for divorce ?

And one more thing. How many relationships were you in before her ?

Honestly it sounds like you're overcompensating for the shitty treatment that your mother went through. You're trying to give your wife the moon, and I'm sure she feels she deserves the sun. And you seem more than willing to carry her there on your back and she'd be perfectly fine letting you do it. I still haven't read anything that indicates what she brings or brought to the marriage.

You should read No More Mr Nice Guy.

[This message edited by JS84 at 2:05 PM, April 24th (Sunday)]

IMO she needs some consequences for her affair.

Tonight would be a good time for her to tell her family what she's been up to with the neighbor.

Keeping it a secret is entitling her further.

It sounds like you had her on a pedestal and now you are starting to see her for what she really is, she should be moving heaven and earth to to try win you back but it doesnt sound like she does much for you or is making any effort other than saying i wont do it again.Im glad you are finally starting to see you deserve to be treated better .One last thing is if you go to the inlaws for dinner they deserve to know the truth of there daughters behaviour , dont be letting them gang up on you.

I want to say first off I didn't realize my posts were making it seem like my wife is a loser and I am perfect.- Gary1995

Your posts aren't conveying this - though they do suggest that your wife is manipulative, entitled & lazy and that you are the opposite of your wife in _these_ ways. Obviously she has some good in her for you to have wanted to marry.

I don't know if I love the thought of my wife or what someone here asked and made a good point. - Gary1995

This could be true and something to think about. Who is your wife? What kind of person is she really? Is the woman you love someone you thought could or would cheat on you? If the answer is no, then the person you think she is and the person she is actually is in conflict. And probably just not in this one way.

I hate her for cheating on me but I hate myself for not knowing what I want. - Gary1995

I understand this ... there is a lot of anxiety that comes with uncertainty. Though give yourself a break - it is going to take time to know what you want to do. You have a lot to think about, a lot to question and a lot to answer. Please don't pressure yourself or let anyone else bully or guilt you into a decision.

I am frustrated and sure am frustrated all here who are tying to help. I can stop posting if I am causing that. Its not my intent to waste your all time helping. - Gary1995

Keep posting. The fact that people are responding to your thread means that they want to help you. If they felt like you were wasting their time, they wouldn't post.

She was very upset telling me that I promised I would not be like her exes and take care of her and her son. - Gary1995

Please be careful here. Since your wife has been unable to manipulate you with sex, she is now trying to manipulate you with guilt. And likening you to her exes is not cool - the situations are not comparable. She wronged you, not the other way around.

But the other stuff she reminded me that I knew before marriage she was spoiled, not the best homemaker and cook and someone who liked a spotless house. That I never complained before her cheating so why is that all an issue. And you kknow she is not wrong on that. Or maybe it did bother me I just didn't say anything and used to doing it myself. - Gary1995

Well, as someone else pointed out, there are consequences to her cheating. You kept your promises, and she did not. Would you have made these promises to her if you knew she would break hers?

I think the best answer to this is that these things bother you now, and that's what matters.

Cause she is right she is not those things and I love and married her anyway. - Gary1995

She is saying is that she doesn't want to change to become a better person. And therefore a better wife ... one who won't seek out attention from other men.

I told her though that I don't always feel appreciated and that I get upset when I see other wives do this and that for their husbands. She just said not all women show love the same way. - Gary1995

Ask her how she feels that she shows you love.

so maybe its me that has to get my shit together more than her. - Gary1995

How so? Because you are unsure of whether you want to R or D?

I suspect much of your frustration stems from the feeling that you'd prefer to save your marriage, but she is showing little signs of true remorse. She is making it quite difficult for you to choose R and feel good about that choice.

So, if she refuses to change, takes no action and only offers up promises, what are you going to do?

Her and her son are my life do I really want to start over guy in his 40's no family or kids off a divorce? - Gary1995

Even if you were 80 years old, I would tell you the same thing ... it is never too late to "start over". Life is always full of new beginnings ... some welcome, some not. It all depends on your perspective and attitude.

I won't sugar coat the situation with her son ... you have no legal entitlement to him. If you were to separate, it would be up to your wife to allow you to continue a relationship with him (well, until he's 18 of course). Your wife could withhold him from you as "punishment".

On the flip side, would it be good for her son to grow up in a house with unresolved resentment, anger and suspicion?

So at this point I am supposed to meet her at my inlaws for dinner to talk. I don't know what and how this will go, I do know the stress is getting me now. - Gary1995

I'm sorry that this is stressful for you. What do you think the goal of the dinner is - to share in a pleasant meal? Or to convince you to stick around? Did her parents suggest this or was it your wife?

Remember you do have a choice - you can choose not to goto this dinner.

Ask your wife if she has told her parents that she had an affair. Part of the consequences should be that she tells them.

Keep in mind that they are her parents and although they may be disappointed in what she has done, they will want what is in her best interest - even if it is detrimental to you. Don't let them bully, guilt or manipulate you into anything.

Have you thought of some IC for yourself? Even a few sessions may be helpful. Sometimes just getting everything out in a non-judgmental setting is therapeutic in itself.

How about detaching emotionally so that you can work through your feelings and thoughts? It is easiest to do if you are alone. Spending nights somewhere else. Or moving out temporarily. At the minimum a few hours elsewhere (not working, phone off) - like long walks, watching planes at the airport, biking, etc.

Have you tried journaling? Write out your feelings. What your expectations are. Who you want to be. Who you are right now. Who you think your wife is ... who do you want her to be? What do you want out of your marriage? Are you getting that - what needs to change? Write out plans ... if you R. If you D. How do you see your life working out in R? In D? On the things that confuse you, draw up pro/con lists. If there are many more pros than cons (or vice versa), why is that? And just because one column is longer than the other doesn't necessarily mean anything ... often it is just easier to see the big picture when you see everything together in writing.

So maybe I either just got to move on or say I cant go on.

That is a false choice Gary. In my opinion, what you are struggling with is not so much the A itself (although it has hurt you terribly). You are struggling with the apparent lack of effort your WW is willing to put into repairing the M, and that is leading you to question a lot of things, like how much your WW really values you. There is nothing wrong with that, and ultimately that question needs answered before you can truly work your way through this. Muddling through it and ignoring it only leaves room for resentment to build.

The temptation to bury this issue of how much she values you will be strong. You may be able to deal with it for a while, but sooner or later, it will rear its head again. No one can tell you what to do. Only you know what is best for you. With that said, I would suggest that you resolve the issue of your value to WW now. You are leaning towards R and that is fine. Just don't do it at the cost of your needs.

Telling the in laws the truth may be for the best, but that is up to you. You will both need their support. Good luck.

Just from a neutral reader of your last posts it sounds like you have Mr. Nice guy syndrome. Came from an abusive home life vowed to never be like that and it shows in your actions. You put everyone first before yourself. You might need to start being a bitt more selfish

I did some digging last night and found some correspondence with her and the group she is with. There are def two I need to cut out. One just straight up gave her an alibi and cover. Plus it seems when they do their annual girls weekend away she stepped out on her husband one night.

I think you need to let that husband know. He deserves it, and his wife deserves to be exposed.

I meant to respond to some questions before I left for the dinner. Yes I am worried that if I go with a divorce that she would keep her son away from me. I do not journal, to be honest I don't say much about this on my own. This place is where I unload the most hence my never ending thread. For the long timers here is it getting to long? Should I move it to another spot or something? I don't mean for this to drag and drag.

I have had plenty of past relationships prior to my wife. Most of them were casual, couple were serious. One wanted to really get married but I was not ready. With all my exes something kept holding me back from really committing 100%. But something changed with me when dating my wife. Maybe it was her son I don't know but I felt ready to settle to devote all I could to one woman.

Went to dinner. It was surreal. On way over my wife called and asked me if we could not tell them she cheated and just say we were fighting. I was in disbelief. I told them why we were having issues. They thought I was cheating!!! To their credit they were pissed at her. She of course got hysterical and such. I talked to her dad privately. He apologized and such. Said he cant believe his daughter would do this. But at the same token they asked me to work thru this with her. Don't throw my marriage away and her son. I didn't make any promises and she is staying the night over there. I am just too tired and emotionally drained to deal with her at the moment.

To respond about if I want to R or D no idea. In a perfect world I could get past everything and try to start new but I one moment I think I look down the road and see us getting past it. Than I think further and I say screw it just get on with it and move on for myself but do I want to wake up years from now alone. Its my own head that is messing me up the most.

Gary1995

I meant to respond to some questions before I left for the dinner. Yes I am worried that if I go with a divorce that she would keep her son away from me.

Do not use this as an excuse to do nothing. He'll be fine. Do not waste your life for this.

On way over my wife called and asked me if we could not tell them she cheated and just say we were fighting. I was in disbelief. I told them why we were having issues. They thought I was cheating!!!

Yep, it can't be our princesses fault. She was planning on throwing you under the bus. Nothing like honesty!!!!!

But at the same token they asked me to work thru this with her. Don't throw my marriage away and her son.

Really???? She threw away the marriage. They don't want the burden of having to help her.

Just as I said before. They are looking out for HER best interest not yours.

To respond about if I want to R or D no idea. In a perfect world I could get past everything and try to start new but I one moment I think I look down the road and see us getting past it. Than I think further and I say screw it just get on with it and move on for myself but do I want to wake up years from now alone.

My friend you are alone now. You just don't see it. She is not going to put any effort into fixing this. She just wants it to go away. Rugsweep it. She was hiding it and letting you take the wrap for cheating with her own family. That alone says who she is deep down. You are in denial of who/what she really is.

[This message edited by Marc878 at 10:32 PM, April 24th (Sunday)]

Mr. Gary,

I think your integrity is admirable, and your underlying strengths are awesome. There is a clean spirit to your voice your present here.

Please. regardless of your choice to divorce or reconcile, step forward and take leadership of this situation.

It really doesn't what she was like before she cheated on you. It really matters what she is like for the future of your relationship with her. Will she change? Does she have it in her to love you after her mistake? Can she show it through her actions? Talk is cheap. Actions speak loudly. Has she stepped up? NO?

But it comes down to what do you want? Focus on that?

What does a healthy marriage look like?

What does a responsible loving wife look like? How does she act in your mind? What you want might be different then what another wants.

But all in all. She cheated. NO ifs and or butts.

How does that effect your view on her?

List out what you think she needs to do to gain your trust. Show it to her. Watch what she does...

Be firm, and mean it. If she does em... then you can make your choice to stay. If she doesn't. Then you can choose to leave...

Keep it simple. the rest is just drama....