SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Gary

You can't do the work for her but I would recommend you send her one text before you leave. I would simply say "If you really want to save this marriage and in the process get a clue as to how I'm feeling then I suggest you read the materials I gave you and then read them again."

Redsox13, I just read your story. My heart breaks for you. I wish you well.

Infidelity is not like the movies, no guaranteed happy endings. The amount of pain on this site some days just overwhelms me.

Gary, Hope you have a restful couple of days. As much as you can, anyway.

I am still getting up in the mornings and getting her sons lunch together and making sure he gets to the bus ok and such. She is just sleeping away. I was hoping on the nights I work the 2nd job over night she could do that.

Gary

She’s like your teenage daughter that doesn’t want to do anything except talk on the phone and have sex. Sex is her power.

She’s not reading the books you give her because she’s lazy and doesn’t like to read. Don’t make it any more complex than that. She likes sex OK so she's willing to do that to save your marriage. But she was also willing to do it with the OM to get attention from him.

Why do you think both she and her family are freaking out over the possibility of you divorcing her? Are all of them in a panic because they love you so much? It’s because they all know (even her) that she’s worthless and hit the jackpot when she hooked you.

Her family will be stuck with her if you don't take care of her. That's why they're upset. If I was her dad I would be too.

[This message edited by Graywolf at 3:50 PM, April 22nd (Friday)]

Sadie, sorry to hear that you didn't get respected by your partner. I know that feeling and I am sure that hurt you.

Redsox13, man I don't know what to say. Your story is real sadness and one that is way worse than my own. I wish you didn't have to go thru that. To answer your question I am willing to do the heavy lifting I just want her to inspire me to do that for her. That is my whole problem, I am up to do that but her actions for some reason she gives back make it hard to want to keep trying.

Graywolf, when I read your post I felt ashamed and sad. I look like a fool and you are probably right. I think back when people would say man you have two kids to take care of, at the time it was said in jest and a joke but maybe the people saying that deep down were not joking. I am sad to admit here that more than a few times both men and women friends of ours would tell me I spoil her too much or she has it too easy.

I think back when people would say man you have two kids to take care of, at the time it was said in jest and a joke but maybe the people saying that deep down were not joking.

Gary

In order for a joke to be funny it has to have some truth to it. Didn’t her own family joke that she was a “princess?”

If I was your dad I would be proud of the man I raised and do everything I could to get you out of there. You deserve much better.

[This message edited by Graywolf at 3:51 PM, April 22nd (Friday)]

Graywolf, yes all her family, parents, grandparents, cousins, the whole works called her that. I always took it that more due to her exes. She seemed to pick some bad seeds and guys that treated her badly. So I thought cause I treated her nicely that was it. I see now that was not the case.

If I did something or bought her something just because I wanted to, she would tell her family and they would be like oh look the princess getting spoiled again or such. But she seemed to get that from her growing up. They allowed her to be like that too.

As for your other part, I don't speak much to my father but you are correct if you said my sister. She has never really liked my wife. Tolerated but never a fan.

[This message edited by Gary1995 at 4:01 PM, April 22nd (Friday)]

Gary,

Dear freind Can I make a different suggestion? A kind of man to man suggestion as I would make to a close freind or a brother in this situation?

1.) All of this hinges on you deciding what you... You are detaching which is a great thing. This allows you to look at the situation for what it is....

2.) When you decide... it goes like this: Write all the things you want her to do. Stay or not.. I mean it, all of it, and it will grow. Keep it in your pocket. Look at it. cross things off if they get fulfilled and add things if you want to see more...etc..

Tell her no Don't get involved, sucked in, just no. You can say: " I love you but no. This is about what I want. You hurt me, stabbed my hurt so you want a chance? then NO. Anything that does not revolve around What I want Will have to wait. You will have to trust I have our best interest in mind. We will do this my way for a bit." "we cannot have this conversation till you read this book"... sorry did you read the book? OH YOU DID! alright! (emphasis on praise) OK lets go out and talk about it over dinner. So tell her you dont know the future, but there is always hope if she will try.. read a book of your choosing...

Note:This is what kids gloves are... your handling a child. She is stuck.. very stuck. She has to take responsibility and she doesn't know how... help her. She is a kid.... a princess with no training... So train her... Like you would a k9 ( not a beach). Reward her when she does things right. Emotionally etc *no sex (that's control for women.)

Another point I want to make here is that most counselors would remind her that crying like that is = to emotional manipulation. Think teenager who is told she cannot go with her friends to say shopping.....

3.) When you decide your going to love her... i do not mean stay. I do not mean leave. I mean love her.. willing to turn the other cheek so you can heal as well.. You can take control. And you will be ok. IF she says no, choose 6. This bring another point..

4.) Once you take this control back. A calm Aggressive and firm approach (because you know what you want) you can lead it to where it needs to go. If you want an amicable divorce its in your hands. If you decide you want to try again.. its in your hands....

5.) Be a man and lead. You are not perfect. She is not perfect.. So lead her and your self out of this bad spot.. Pay the price if your willing...regardless if you stay. Know when to walk if you must.

6.) Or walk away. You only lose what you want to lose. Shrug ..its that simple. You will be hurt, you will be crushed, but you will be you. No matter who your with and what you do. Your honesty, your character, your heart, your soul.. you will be you.

The reason she is saying those things is she is immature.. That's what a kid thinks.. I hit him so he might hit me back... That really stood out to me. She wants so kind of reassurance about the future something she can lean on from you... do you have it in?

I want to say this if I may.. She cheated. She's a selfish ahem... So what? Shes childish etc.. So what? What are you gong to do? You love her or you dont ...? Separate yourself from her action. Tis got nothing you. You are bigger than her cheating LEAD. STEP UP Emotionally. Dont hang back. Take control.

/me points to your marriage...

If i have made a terrible mistake and I was stuck in a terrible loop of guilt.. I hope I have people around me that would love enough to put a hand in my dark cloud and help me out of it. My wife has and I have for her, even when i was the one hurt. I have hurt her, and she has stood by my side as well...

What do you want? Choose then go for it :)

I'm rooting for you.

p.s.

If you go on this trip.. stay quiet.. but pick up a gift for her and one for the son.. You will be amazed how much a good will gesture will help no matter what you choose down the road. Just remind her that your not ok... but you are hoping she can help....

p.p.s

Have you asked her what she does with her day? Does she read the book you asked her too? Talk on the phone? Think about the other guy? Go out with Facebook people? ( be extreme to get her attention) .... then say.. what about my request? Did you read that book? no.. I see... This is my suggestion... if she doesn't make the effort. you already have your answer dont you?

Sorry about my typos and bad grammar.

If I can sum up it all up in a couple sentences from someone who has been there:

Choose to love or not. Make your choices simple.. Focus on simple answer, don't over think, get selfish etc. Just choose what you want. It will help the pain etc... THEN DO IT. You do it. Set up your boundaries. Set up your rules. Then do it. Just do it. Life's to short to hang on stuff, take action and go.

Gary

You love your "selfish" wife.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

But waiting for her to "inspire" you is just wrong.

She is "selfish". She is a follower. Not a leader.

You need to be the example for her.

You should show her a few examples of the new you.

"Wife, stop the texts. I am going away this weekend to clear my head. I need it. Enjoy the game with our son. See you on Sunday when I return."

That is a clear, concise message to her.

Next step.

"Wife, stop being friends with Susan. She is a liar but more importantly a cheater. I have spoken to her husband about it.

Susan is not a friend to you nor is she a friend to our marriage. End the relationship if you value our marriage."

Never explain to your wife how you know this and expose the friends affair to her husband. He deserves to know.

Then.

Call her family together. Have your wife explain her affair. Then you as the leader ask her family for their support as the two of you try to rebuild the marriage. Make her your ally while she starts telling the truth.

Be a leader. Set the examples. Spread a few consequences in between.

Then clearly list in writing what your wife needs to do to rebuild the marriage.....

Review it with her and work on it together.

She might have made the mess but it will take both of you to clean it up and rebuild.

Think about it.

Oh yes. Last but not least ask her to find a job. So you can quit UPS and have the extra time on your hands to rebuild.

And your wife has way too much free time on her hands. The job will fix that.

HM

^^ This makes sense.

Gary, Please forgive me, but I do not think that you love your wife. I think you love who you THOUGHT your wife was. Please make sure that you are looking at the person who your wife truly is when making your decisions. Then take action. Take care, my good man.

I read something years ago that has always stuck with me. It was about how trees tend to have a certain beauty in the simple context that they can be massive and majestic year round. but, it's only when the seasons begin to change that they are subjected to major stressors that produce the beautiful colors we see especially in the fall months.

It's much the same way with people. They can be lovely & admirable all the time however, it's under great stress that their true beauty shows through.

Your colors are showing brightly Gary. Your wife, not so much. Her tree seems to be withering away on a daily basis. I think we all have good things we can point to in ourselves but, under circumstances like this, they pale in comparison to the huge character flaws that seem to dominate a person's direction in life.

There are givers & takers in every relationship. You are the giver and she is definitely the taker and, she takes a lot! I sincerely hope that if you do decide to R, it will be under completely different terms since the old way didn't work out so well, She got to have it her way and, she blew it. So now, if she really wants to stay married to you, she gets a job, contributes to household chores and, gets her lazy ass out of bed to get her own son ready for school.

I hate to say it but, I think that when things don't return to exactly like they were before, your wife will find herself very disenchanted with her new life and, I think we all know where that leads.

Gary,

Get over your codependency.

You have it

lol. There is always someone who can sum up your posts more clearly .

We are rooting for you.

Prayers to you brother.

Blessing on your trip.

Gary, your wife sounds like a loser from what you tell about her. The exact opposite of you.

Does she have redeeming qualities or you loving her out of habit ?

So I am back home and just read some of the replies here. I want to say first off I didn't realize my posts were making it seem like my wife is a loser and I am perfect. Far from it on both accounts and that was never my intention. Maybe being frustrated has made it seem that way. I have faults and don't shy away that I don't. Plenty of me that can be improved. I have issues with my wife but I don't mean to make her look like the worst person ever. That is very disrespectful of me no matter my pain.

I don't know if I love the thought of my wife or what someone here asked and made a good point. I guess maybe its me that has changed and my thoughts on her. I was enjoying my time alone this weekend well the most part. I was thinking that I have been on my own before its no big deal just live life whatever. Than I missed my step son and worried if I divorce I don't have legal rights to see him. Plus how much am I going to lose doing it. And yes I would miss her too. We do have good times. I hate her for cheating on me but I hate myself for not knowing what I want. I am frustrated and sure am frustrated all here who are tying to help. I can stop posting if I am causing that. Its not my intent to waste your all time helping.

My wife kept texting and calling me over the weekend. Than my step son called me upset. Now I don't know if she made him or not but did call. I guess he told my inlaws yesterday that we are fighting and such. Of course they called me too saying everyone is worry that I am leaving. I should be home trying to fix my family not bailing.

I came home early this morning and talked to my wife. I told her I don't know if I can do this anymore. She was very upset telling me that I promised I would not be like her exes and take care of her and her son. That I would do whatever. She told me that she cant tell me enough she screwed up that its the worst thing to do. That she was nuts last 2 nights that I was going to cheat and she couldn't breathe it felt like. But the other stuff she reminded me that I knew before marriage she was spoiled, not the best homemaker and cook and someone who liked a spotless house. That I never complained before her cheating so why is that all an issue. And you kknow she is not wrong on that. Or maybe it did bother me I just didn't say anything and used to doing it myself.

So maybe I either just got to move on or say I cant go on. Cause she is right she is not those things and I love and married her anyway. Some people just don't do that stuff. I told her though that I don't always feel appreciated and that I get upset when I see other wives do this and that for their husbands. She just said not all women show love the same way.

I just know I am beat and I feel beaten down. I hate that I love my wife but I feel so much anger and frustration all at the same time, so maybe its me that has to get my shit together more than her. Her and her son are my life do I really want to start over guy in his 40's no family or kids off a divorce?

So at this point I am supposed to meet her at my inlaws for dinner to talk. I don't know what and how this will go, I do know the stress is getting me now. I don't feel like myself and just don't feel well.

So again sorry I am on the fence again. I do not want to waste any more time from people trying to help. So maybe I should stop posting and bothering. Thanks to all that have helped either telling me to get it together or showing me that my wife needs to get it right too. Both are needed and have helped.

Before tackling all the problematic issues with her behaviour you described in your last post, I would like to ask you what's the situation regarding your individual counselling and whether you have read any books that might help you with all this ("No more mr. nice guy", "Not just friends", ...)?

Best wishes

Blood is thicker than water. Your inlaws are looking out for her welfare not yours.

They will gang up and try and force you to stay. It's in their best interest. They don't want to take care of her.

They all want rugsweeping!!!!!! They want you to suck it up take it and forget about it. Your life, future doesn't matter.

You should be at home working on the marriage???? What about their princess???? They are just like her.

You need to figure out what you want out of life. Living for her and your inlaws is gonna get old quick.

Download and read "No More Mr Nice Guy" it's free.

Make no commitments until you're ready. Man, you can't put the whole world on your shoulders.

If I were you I would not go over to that lions den tonight!!!!

She just said not all women show love the same way.

Not all women go out and screw other men either do they?

Focus. The problem is the affair and her reasons and lack of action to help.

She said you work too much. You need the money to live your lifestyle. You should not work too long anymore. Either she can take a cut in HER lifestyle or she can work and contribute. THAT is a direct consequence. She cheated through the school. Any groups involving him or toxic friend should be out. That is a direct consequence. You asked her to read stuff about infidelity. She should read it all. That is a direct consequence.

Compare her consequences compared to yours - you have to continually remember she brought a man repeatedly into your home, in your marital bed, and she badmouthed you about it in the process. Those small things are the LEAST she could do. Yet she wants to do nothing. She needs some skin in the game. She wants to play, she's got to pay. This ain't no free ride, ride roughshod over you. All pain from Gary and none from Wife Who Cheated is an equation that equals unhappiness for Gary.