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I think my wife has forced my hand. I listened to my VAR since we have had this blow up and she went to her parents. I was disappointed in her more than mad.

So according to her and her friends she is talking to I am not allowing us to move forward. That I want to change her and make into something she is not. I am forcing her to work, cut out school committees, change our social circle. She was told that I need to focus on her being sorry and getting our marriage fixed not worried about if she is working. How is making her do things going to help us?

That I am being mean to her. Making her feel like a bad wife, calling her out for the lack of help around the house, the cooking and so. Its hurtful to hear that instead of loving her I am mad for her lack of housework? Does she complain that I don't want to sleep in our bed anymore? That I am mad about my paycut and making her feel bad for it. I get her friends will rally to her and such but how is it being turned around that I am being a jerk. I am trying to save my marriage not ruin it.

So last night she wanted to get into it. Why cant I work on us and forgive her instead of so heel bent on her working. Am I punishing her? Why am I blowing off her parents help to go to the church. Its like I don't want to let her in.

Something happened after she went on and on and on. My anger turned into sadness. I went from about to blow up to just numb. I said to her, I cant believe you don't see it. I have bent over backwards to fix us. I have given you the world or best that I could but all you want to do is just forget it. I said to her that she has disrespected me in our marriage in a way that she will never grasp. That she brought a man into my bed and that I get sick thinking of him in there when I come home. That she made me look like a fool. And still I have done nothing but try to get this fixed. I told her she has made me a broken man. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't feel healthy, I haven't smiled or laughed in I don't know how long.

I am going to take the advice someone gave me. I need to just get out of this toxic environment and get my head clear. I don't want her son to not be in the house and off his routine. So I am thinking of leaving for a bit. I just cant be there with her right now.

All I wanted was just SOMETHING from her. I mean not much just something. I am starving for anything to get our marriage back and I cant get that.

Later I got the tears and drama that go ahead and leave her, all guys have, make her feel unloved and ruin the family for her son to have grown up with. That I promised her that I would always love and take care of her and in the end I lied too. That I always prided myself of being a man of my word and in the end I don't want to.

I didn't even get into it. I don't have anything left. I look at her and was once love and desire has turned into disappointment.

Hi Gary I have been following your posts and I am really sorry for the way your wife is treating you. Her behavior really gives SAHM a bad name. I would never expect my WH to do that much around the house.

I was just going to say that I know exactly how you feel when you say you just wanted some signs for her. She just doesn't get it. I am suffering from a similar problem in relation to making WH see the light. I just realized that some people are so broken they can't be fixed. My WH just shut me down and out when we had our first D-days. Now I am coping with another D-day, maybe multiple OW and all this found by my DS who saw his Dad sent an inappropriate text.

It hurts so much for me to have more betrayal dumped on me. But then you also have to realize when you have to give up. You can't fix something by yourself, especially when you didn't break it and the WS does not want to stop or change.

I hope you find a way out of this mess. By all means get away if you can. As soon as I get home and am able to separate I am going to take my boys away for a break as I can see how much this is hurting them too.

[This message edited by MessyT at 8:46 AM, April 26th (Tuesday)]

So last night she wanted to get into it. Why cant I work on us and forgive her instead of so heel bent on her working. Am I punishing her?

It is time you put your foot down and show the anger. Better yet, instead of blowing up at her which could lead to trouble, write her one hell of an angry letter, explaining to her just how wrong her and her pathetic friends are.

SHE is the one that needs to fix the marriage. I cannot understand why everyone around her things it is up to you to fix what she broke.

Write to her she has not done a damn thing to fix this. Also write to her that people do not just forgive for the hell of it, forgiveness has to be earned, and so far, she has not done a damn thing.

Did she ever sit down and read the books you mentioned. I am sure you have a library there. She likes to shop, tell her to get on Amazon and buy the books.

Punishment, that is a laughable statement, it is called consequences she has to face for having sex with some other guy, and in your home. She lied and deceived and everyone thinks it is up to you to fix and automatically forgive and then just drop all of this.

It is also time for her to drop the drama queen poor little me act also with the damn tears. Write to her, that ain't going to work.

Writing is therapeutic and can really help get your feelings across without yelling.

Later I got the tears and drama that go ahead and leave her, all guys have, make her feel unloved and ruin the family for her son to have grown up with. That I promised her that I would always love and take care of her and in the end I lied too.

Oh please! There is a reason why she's flushed this relationship like the others before. She'll never get it.

Gary, you've done everything you could have done. She's simply not capable.

Gary, you are now seeing what most here have been trying to tell you.

I'm glad you have finally woken up. You can not fix her and apparently she will not attempt to fix herself.

She is blame shifting and rewriting the marital history. Guess what? You can't do enough for this woman. She will suck you dry and then bring another man into your bed again.

Wake up!!!!! Get out!!!!

[This message edited by Marc878 at 8:54 AM, April 26th (Tuesday)]

Hate to say it but all you are to her and her family is a check book. They will play you if they can.

Move on and Go dark. You deserve better.

[This message edited by Marc878 at 9:03 AM, April 26th (Tuesday)]

Gary - looks like you are starting to come around. Your wife remains unchanged and is focused ONLY on her and how she feels. While nothing is impossible it really seems like she is incapable of making the hard changes to reconcile.

The mindset says it all. Her working is not about "punishing" her, it is all about making you feel safe and forcing her to contribute.

You are right, you need to get out of that environment. However DO NOT LEAVE the house. This merely continues you subsidizing her stay at home, do nothing leech off your hard work lifestyle. There is NO reason you need to take on the additional responsibility of maintaining two households.

She has parents she can stay with and the impact on her son will be minimal.You stay, she leaves.

While there may be a tiny hope that she will come around and you may be able to reconcile, what you have been doing so far has not worked. Not beating up on you but just telling you what many, many other here have been pointing out for a long time now.

You are way too passive and soft on her. I'm sure you have seen it on other posts but you need to be willing to lose the marriage if there is any hope of saving it. You need to file NOW. If she is willing to change she must: work FULL time and contribute to 1/2 the household expenses; you need to stop working 2 jobs for her; she stops ALL outside committed and groups; the toxic friends go and they go now; and she does her 1/2 of the household work. AND you need to get a pos-nup if you decide not finalize the divorce.

Stop being taken advantage of here. Don't be sad, get angry and take charge of your situation.

You have no choice here ,its time to look after yourself .There is no hope of saving this marriage ,very selfish woman all she cares about is herself ,she is more worried about having to do some work than saving the marriage , she doesnt care about you .This time when you leave ,dont be planning on going back .You can work out contact with your stepson later but its time to think about divorce and look at your options .

Some people you just cant reach. She doesn't get it. Its all about her as it probably has always been about her. You could probably even say why did all those guys leave and she would still just blame others.

Your right this is a toxic relationship and I would bet money even if you do leave for a while she will just put it all on you. My xW is the same way. My oldest daughter called her the professional victim. Everyone is always out to get her.

I think you need to seriously consider just divorcing her. Your wife doesn't sound like she is interested in finding out what makes her this way. She just wants you to forgive her and move on. That will never work. She has to come to terms with what she has done and accept the responsibility of that. She then has to get serious help finding out why she did that so she can learn to be a better person and a safer partner.

It all comes down to the fact you deserve better.

C

Gary, your situation is breaking my heart. I remember looking at my XH and thinking, "Who are you?". I finally saw him for who he really was, not who I thought I loved. It sounds to me like you finally had that epiphany. You looked at your wife and felt disappointment, not anger. I hope you saw how you were fighting for someone and something that does not exist.

She is not going to get it. Men always leave her because of who she is, not because of who they are. Like the saying, "Everywhere you go, there you are again.". She is the common denominator in her life. Unless she changes, she will always be left behind.

Your wife is not trying to "save" her marriage because she loves you and wants to be with you. She wants to save it because she had such a cushy situation and she loves herself, not you.

Your son will always be your son. Parentage doesn't matter. Love does.

Please do not stay with this woman. There are thousands of women out there looking for good, kind, stable, and loving men your age. Every man I know who divorced in the last 20 years had their choice of decent, caring women. More than one is waiting for you.

Gary

Your WW has not done even the simple things to encourage you to R and it is your choice not hers. To the WS R is a gift that if they are willing to accept then they need to prove to the BS that they deserve it. Even then a successful R is not a guarantee as again it is the BS choicewho can choose to walk away from the one who betryed their marriage.

She comes across as very selfish and with very low self set bounderies and as such will be a prime candidate for reoccurance of this type of situation in the future. The disrespect. the dissing of you to her buddies, I would just file and get the pain over with and start building a new life for yourself and your son

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 10:29 AM, April 26th (Tuesday)]

Hi.

Please, google "No more mr. nice guy pdf" and "Toxic parents pdf" -> they are two great books available online for free that helped me tremendously. Do the exercises therein. You remind me of myself from a few years ago. Those books, therapy, ..., helped me tremendously.

Please, try to read the first 10 pages of both books over the next few days and let me/us know what you think about them. Ok? :)

Next, please talk to a GOOD lawyer (preferably someone with experience in fathers' rights and such cases as yours, where a spouse doesn't adopt the child) about what you can do to legally ensure you can continue to have contact with her son. I know in my country it's possible to get visitation/contacts with the child of your spouse if you divorce, even if you never adopted the child and if the (ex)spouse opposes, if the court deems further contact/visitation is in the child's interest. Now, if you're in a country/state where you can't get a legal right to visitation, please ask your GOOD lawyer to be creative about what you can legally do if her son wants to remain in contact with you. For example, if her son wants to remain in contact with you despite his mom's opposition, are you legally allowed to communicate with him through e-mails if he continues to email you from school/library/...? What can the mom do to stop that? In what way can you set up a trust fund for the son (for example for college) to ensure she doesn't get any of the money, and in what money can you inform the son about this? When can a child/teenager legally decide whom he wishes to talk to over emails, skype, visit,...? 14, 15, 12, 17? Can you set up a trust fund to cover his therapy sessions if he'll choose to go to therapy once he'll be old enough to be able to legally decide for his own medical decisions? Can she legally prevent you from being part of the church/church activities she and her son go to, or her son goes (maybe sports activities organised by the church)?

Basically, if you want to remain in her son's life, there's a gazillion ways I can think of that might work IF her son will want to communuicate with you, either now or when he'll be older and will be able to understand what happened etc. You don't have to give up on having a relationship with him.

You too can get creative - you can tell him that you will write letters for him, make videos with advice for him etc.,..., that will be kept by your lawyer etc., and that he can get them when he'll be old enough to be legallly able to decide. Tell him that once he's old enough, to please contact you, even if it's years from now.

So even if she moves away (which I don't think she will, considering her family,..., is in the area, if I understand), there's so many things you can still do that sooner or later you will be able to have contact with him, if he will choose to. And even in the mean time, you can still put your time, energy, money,..., towards helping him have a better life now or in the future (like I said - trust fund, letters/videos with advice, pictures of you and him, of you, ...). You can create a public website, youtube channel,..., and give him the www address on it. You can post stuff on there (sports, music, advice for young people,...) that will seem to be for anyone, but he'll know it's your way of thinking about him.

Don't give up on him. He's the only father he truly knows/has. And to continue to be a great role-model and positive influence on his life, you do not have to remain with her! Don't let her use her son as hostage against you.

And remember - unconditional love is not healthy between adults -> don't let anyone convince you that you "promised" you with be with her. No one should feel obligated to stay someone who abuses them, steals from them, cheats on them. Unconditional love is not healthy. And even with love towards kids -> while you can and probably always do love your kids no matter what they'll ever do, that feeling of loving your kids must be separated from your relationship with them, i.e. you don't allow them to steal money from you for drugs, you don't support them living a life of crime, you don't allow them to live in your house with their lover and cheat on their spouse.

We're here for you.

Best wishes

[This message edited by HobbesTheTiger at 11:28 AM, April 26th (Tuesday)]

Go back to the basics. All promises you had made were voided when she broke her promise to you to stay faithful.

You tell her that you can do what you want, she can do what she wants. This always has been the truth and it always will be the truth. She proved it when she cheated and lied. You and her must forge a new marriage, the old one died when she cheated so cruelly with many people being told about bad you were. The defamation continues to this day. So if she is not willing to forge a new relationship that is to your liking as well, then you can decide.

Working 2-3 times a day a few hours each day doesn't seem like much in either side. I can't imagine it is a bone of contention, other than she wants to and is used to getting her way.

I personally would not cause that kind of half-assed job over the make it or break it issue to lose my son or my wife.

I told my wife I wanted all aspects of the affair to be repudiated and removed from me all triggers - whether that be friends, interests, social media, books, music, etc., whatever. I had enough shit in my head, I didn't want any external things to remind me. That it was for her benefit for me to be able to try to live with her. Of course, if she didn't want me, then I will get out. My wife seemed to understand that pretty well. The main difference vs your situation to mine is that my wife wouldn't be able to prohibit from seeing my kids. And that is a huge difference.

I think you should tell her the things I said, and also to tell her that you don't want her to be telling your marital problems to her friends and family to take sides. You too can find friends and family to take your side, but that is counterproductive. From now on, keep the marriage between you and her, you are the only ones who have to be happy in it, not anyone else outside. If she asks "how do you know she's doing that?," just tell her she knows how she is.

I am not optimistic because I think she wants it on her terms with a lifetime of bad habits, plus she gets her emotional needs from her friends and not from you, so she can't give that up. They make her feel good, validate her opinions that she is right, like the other man did. She needs to respect your opinions and follow your lead. She is traditional in that way, but I see a lack of true love and respect from your needs.

Also, I guess there is an aspect of this that your wife and you are both on the high wire, but your wife has a safety net underneath from her parents who will prop her up and also the comfort that custody of child is certain will be 100% for her, she can't lose that ever. Add in the supportive un-friends of the marriage (they are her friends, not yours, not friends of the marriage). It is a lot to overcome.

Yet, this was your life and it was fine until you found out the truth of your pecking order. Can you be happy in that position as long as you have your son? Is it worth to chip away, like a woodpecker, like she does to you? Gary, it's not me, but you are not me, and you have to be you, no one else.

Well as expected she is laying on the guilt trip. I am getting slammed with texts and calls from her and her family. Basically she is crying and upset and the irony is thick. Now she thinks I am leaving the house and wanting to leave her cause I have found someone else. I would love to know besides working 2 jobs, coaching her son and such plus maintaining the house how do I have time for a girlfriend???

Then she texts back that how is leaving her going to make me happy? That I am giving up on a wife that loves me and a son that adores me. How that I am breaking up a family instead of working it out. How are we both going to benefit with a divorce as she will be all alone as a single parent raising a child on her own and me with no one.

Yes her son does draw me in but I am past that point I think. I am not responding back. I am tired of feeling beaten down. I want to scream at her I don't want to break us up but you have forced my hand. I don't like the person I am feeling like and I just want to be left alone. I will support her and her son I owe them that but she has zapped me of all my strength. I rather just go at it on my own.

Usually her leaving me these messages would have me so upset and worried or wondering how can I fix this or make it up to her. Now I feel nothing. So unless she does this total change and I don't know at this point if it would be sincere I think I am done. Which sucks cause I feel like a failure too. I wanted to have the long happy marriage. I wanted to spend the rest of my days with my wife. But I cant force myself to anymore.

I am just worn out. Tired of myself. Tired of being taken advantage of. She even would do a portion of what I read here other wives have done that have cheated I be right back giving her my all. Don't know if that makes me still a sucker or not.

wk55hn, her working is not a bone for me. Although I thought with the advice here it would be good for her to get out and do something and make little money for herself. I wouldn't maker her work. Christ if things were fine with us I would work 3 jobs if that is what it took. But it's more proof of a respect thing with her.

The things I asked her to do she looks at that I am punishing her. I am not just want her to get it you know. Like the things people told me to have her read. Instead of just doing it as a goodwill gesture she barely read anything and looked at it as a chore and not something that could help us. but she can spend hours and hours napping and talking to her friends, going shopping and lunch as if its ok. But I look like the idiot walking around. I know people are talking about me when I am at my step sons little league game or I am at the grocery store or whatever.

I have sucked it up and given and given. I don't have it in me to give much more.

I want to scream at her

Write the anger in a letter like I wrote above. Point out everything she has not done to fix this and while you're at it, tell her to just stop with the fake paranoia about you having an affair.

She could start helping right now by stopping all contact with her friends that give her this idiotic thoughts about you while they have their own affairs.

Ignore her and them. I would move forward on taking some time away. I would seriously consider talking to a lawyer about a separation agreement so your covering yourself. I doubt seriously she is going to let up on guiltily you and trying to manipulate you in other ways. It really sounds like she is not sorry at all about her cheating. She is only sorry her meal ticket might be leaving.

Damn what a mess.

I am sorry man.

C

That I promised her that I would always love and take care of her and in the end I lied too. That I always prided myself of being a man of my word and in the end I don't want to.

this line she keeps using kills me...She doesn't even get that breaking her marriage vows is a form of lying and that's what did this. That it's all built on her lie to be faithful to her husband.

She doesn't get that your marriage has changed. That you were fine with her faults because you had a wife that was true to you. You though she was so special and that she thought the same of you...UNTIL she cheated and gave all of that special love to someone else...Kind of made you put things into perceptive. The one thing you expected of her was to stay true to you...and she couldn't do that. Your searching for something that shows she will do anything to save the marriage and she WONT...she wants the same marriage ...but she's just not that special person that you want to do everything for anymore..you see her for what she is unfaithful, selfish, and lazy.

Gary, I've just finished reading your entire thread and my heart breaks for you. We understand how completely taxing and exhausting this emotional roller coaster is. The only positive is that maybe you will start understanding that you NEED to take some time for yourself. You really truly need that.

After reading your many posts, your decency and devotion to being a good man shine through. You deserve so much more than you've been given in this marriage. You deserve someone who will appreciate you and all that you do and return it to you in a loving way. Not that your list of suggested reading isn't long enough, but a book to read eventually is "the 5 Love Languages". I can only tell you that it's given me and my H great insight on how we can and should show love for one another. (I am not recommending this as a means to R with your wife, as she would have so much work to do before ever getting to this point.)

As I believe you are starting to see, everything that she says and does in the aftermath of her A is still exclusively about her. Her feelings, her needs, her worries. I haven't seen her express any concern over how she has devastated you.

If she read "how to help your spouse heal from your affair", she might begin to understand a little. My H was not a truly remorseful WH for a long time, yet he still read that entire book the first night I gave it to him and couldn't sleep for the remainder of the night. He felt gut punched. It is a fast and easy read, and gets straight to the point.

Your wife is extremely selfish and manipulative. It worries me for you. I truly believe that if you can distance your self from her for awhile, it will all become so clear to you. She is used to getting her way and to everyone enabling her and agreeing with her. Heck, I'd be tempted to drop her off at her parents home and leave them with a copy of that book. Ask them to read it and encourage them to have her read it. Let them all know, in no uncertain terms, that any work on reconciliation will have to be on her. And walk away.

Go see an attorney and get your ducks lined up. Unless she does a complete turnaround, she just isn't a good candidate for R. And remember, that is not a reflection on you. You have been more than wonderful to her. You deserve someone who is going to love, honor, and cherish you in return.

You are worthy, Gary. Worthy of love. Worthy of appreciation. Worthy of a happy fulfilling life. Know that.

Sending strength and comfort.

PS. I really like Hobbes' post above with suggestions of how to remain a part of your son's life. ("your" used intentionally). You are the only father figure he's ever known. You may need to be creative, but you can certainly make sure he knows how much you love him and always will.

Edited for typos

[This message edited by StillStanding1 at 1:17 PM, April 26th (Tuesday)]

That I am giving up on a wife that loves me and a son that adores me.

I'm not sure she actually loves you.

You are going to find that giving up is going to be the best thing you do. The problem is the more you work on the marriage, the less she does. You just put the whole thing in her hands (which it should have been from the beginning) and now it's up to her to save the M if it can be. She broke it, she needs to fix it. All she has been doing up to this point is try to rug sweep so now you get to see what she's made of.