SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

kimichi, no I am not kidding. I thought couple people were implying or reading into that I am making me out to be this great guy and my wife this horrible person and such. I just wanted to make sure I am being fair on here since its just me posting here. I didn't want people to think I am portraying I am this and that when I have faults too. So I was listing some stuff that I know I am not great at or what could bother her.

Thanks for the responses it was helpful to read last night. I don't think this is going to get better. I am just not having the strength to fight for this so hard. She is all over the place. I get text after text or voice mails going from her crying and telling me she loves me to I am a liar and a man not good on my word for wanting to leave. That she was foolish to think I was a good father figure to her son as I want to leave him too. That what good is this going to do we all will suffer. Do I really want to be alone in a little apartment with no kids and such divorced from a woman that loves me.

Her dad called me again too. Trying to tell me that there are tough things to go thru in all marriages but when you love someone you fight for it and work on it. Now I respect and liker her dad and I am not proud of this but I snapped a little. I think he thought she had a little fling, so I was asked him would he fight when your wife doesn't do anything to help fix it. That you can easily forget that your wife brought another man into your bed at home. I don't know if he didn't know all the details or what but he didn't say much. Just said he thought of me as a son and thinks his daughter and I love each other too much to walk away.

I listened to her calls yesterday. She is the same with me as with them. Hurt and so sorry what happened one minute than the next I am the worst for wanting to leave. Some are telling her to do whatever it takes to get us back. Some are telling her to plan for me filing and get ahead. Take money out little by little and such. Protect her son.

I am sorry and sad to finally admit that my hope of fixing this is not going to happen. I don't want to have to give her the gameplan on how to help us she had so many options. I am upset that I don't like my wife right now. I still love her but I don't like her.

I hate thinking I have to reboot my whole life. I know people divorce all the time but I can say I knew we would have marital problems who doesn't but thought I would be married to her for the long haul. I need to prepare myself that this will not go smooth. Which sucks as I have no intention not being more than fair to her and her son.

It hurts that I am even talking about this. Its like its not real but than I wake up and it is my reality.

Gary - sounds like you have finally got to a point that you can see clearly what is going on. The phrase 'talk is cheap, actions matter' applies equally to you as it does to your wayward wife.

Take action and be decisive. Go get a lawyer NOW. File for divorce NOW. Seperate your finances NOW. Stop all interaction with her family NOW. Unless it is about the divorce stop all interaction with her NOW.

She has parents - she can go stay with them.

Don't wait. Don't dilly dally.

You will emerge on the other side of this in a much better place and a much happier person.

...Do I really want to be alone in a little apartment with no kids and such divorced from a woman that loves me.....

...I hate thinking I have to reboot my whole life....

And I hate to think about you not rebooting your life. And BTW you aren't going to be alone.

Forget the concepts of "great" and "horrible" to describe people or their actions in a marriage. There is no "good" and "bad". I know that's a tough sell to someone deep in the suck of post D-day, but it's true. There is only compatible and incompatible.

Your wife's views on fidelity has shown she is incompatible with you (and most people actually) to bring you happiness in your marriage. Period.

Trust and respect is the foundation of any relationship (the first she blew up and the second she doesn't have for you), but before that you need compatibility. Religion, Money, Sex, Children, Recreation and Acceptable Behavior.

The one I want to point out is children. You are a marriage minded guy who not only doesn't mind children (as evident by marrying a single mom), but you also stepped right into the role of father. You care more for your step-son than his own mother. She had no problem blowing up his world in trade for a little attention.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you want children of your own. So if I have this right, you are handy, helpful man who gives the shirt off his back, works two jobs to support your family, is good with kids, and wouldn't mind raising a family of his own.

Throw in the narrative that you had a selfish, lazy wife, who had the cushiest of lives, but still cheated on you in your own marital bed.

I have news for you. Women are going to throw their panties at a guy like you. They are also going to HATE your wife (well, xW by then). She gives women a bad name and she didn't realize how good she had it. Many women would LOVE to show you how different they are from her and be more than happy to give you the gift of fatherhood.

I don't mean to discount anyone's pain by demeaning the length of time you have been married. But six years of marriage carries fewer obstacles to divorce than say, 26. You don't have kids of your own. You have different view on fidelity than your wife. You guys are just incompatible.

I'm confused. Why does divorce equal you not being able to continue being that boy's father? Says who?

I am divorced..my exhusband is not the father of my oldest son. His biological father decided he didn't want to be a father, a few weeks after I became pregnant. I left him, and he took off to Germany..where he remains.

My ex has been involved in my son's life since he was a baby. He is his father, in every way. We divorced when he was six. We also had a daughter together. Not only did he have both kids,every time for visitation, but that man also insisted on paying me child support for that child. And, when my son was 16, and wanted to switch schools, he went to live with his dad. Because...that's his dad.

Anyway...that's my experience...it could be yours as well...unless she is such a fucking bitch that she would punish her son, by cutting off the man he knows as his father.

Her dad called me again too. Trying to tell me that there are tough things to go thru in all marriages but when you love someone you fight for it and work on it.

He's only saying that because he has to try. He's a man. He knows it's a legitimate deal-breaker, but it's his little girl. If I was you I'd point out how he helped make this little monster.

Also, it's only because she wants you to stay. If your W cheated and was leaving you for the OM, he'd be singing a different tune. He'd be standing there with his hands in his pockets, shrugging, telling you how this sucks and he feels bad your you, that he'll miss you, but he has to support his daughter.

She is all over the place. I get text after text or voice mails going from her crying and telling me she loves me to I am a liar and a man not good on my word for wanting to leave. That she was foolish to think I was a good father figure to her son as I want to leave him too.

She is all over the place because she continually talks to others, to her friends.

You cannot win this insane battle until your wife stops talking to all of these friends of hers.

She has not done a damn thing to help fix this, and it is not your job in life to fix her own problems, especially if she wont even lift a finger to help.

Watch your money now and it is probably best if you close all joint accounts. She is doing nothing but blaming you for her terrible choices.

I don't know if he didn't know all the details or what but he didn't say much.

Of course he didn't say much. He's not trying to convince you to stay for anyone else's sake but his daughters. He's a "fixer" for his little princess. That's why you feel no empathy from him regarding where YOU are in your shit storm. Again, he's asking you to help him "fix" things for his little princess and I bet he has done all the "fixing" throughout her life, until you came along. This is in large part why your WW has not "grown up" as a person. She is immature. You've become the new "daddy" figure in her life. She doesn't know hard work, commitment and dedication like you do. She' spoiled rotten and she doesn't know the difference. Her son will be taken care of just fine if you leave because his grandfather is the "fixer", just like he always has been in the past before you came along.

Gary, you should google up the relationship spiral between a codependent and a narcissist and see if you can identify your situation comparatively. Your WW seems to be going through every emotional angle from the narcissist manipulation toolbox to get you to acquiesce back into the M and your back and forth self blame seems indicative of someone who is codependent.

My XW wouldn't pick up a book either. My friend's wife wouldn't pick up a book either. Such a simple act to accomplish yet they wouldn't do it because I think the biggest reason is to do so is to admit to themselves that what they did is in fact one of the worst things they could have done to their spouse, and then to read about it is like looking in the mirror. I divorced my XW no matter if she read the book or not. My friend divorced his because his XW, like yours, wouldn't simply just read the books and get a clue. Right now, detaching from her and everyone involved with her infidelity is you one salvation to getting back on to the healing road.

[This message edited by Jduff at 11:21 AM, April 27th (Wednesday)]

She has not done a damn thing to help fix this, and it is not your job in life to fix her own problems, especially if she wont even lift a finger to help.

She's done worse than nothing. She isn't just a lost, confused wayward----she is a remorseless, manipulative, entitled wayward, who has no intentions of changing.

Gary, ^^^^^^this^^^^^^ is who she is. Sorry.

Women are going to throw their panties at a guy like you.

LOL. And true.

Dont let fear of the unknown make you live woth the fear of being miserable f9r tue rest of your life.

Life is short and things happen. Most unplanned. You need to stop and step back. Why would being alone and respected a bad thing?

Why do you need a woman to feel complete? Never rely on another for your happiness.

confused615, it saddens me to say but I don't know if this goes thru and divorce is going to happen she will be as kind as you and allow me to continue to be in his life. I want to be involved. I have money set aside for him before this all happened and I would be willing to pay child support for him or whatever. But I don't have legal rights to him and she knows how much I care about him.

SquirrelFace, thanks man you make good points I do take it and think on them. Everyday I think you are right and we just don't match or life is not what I thought it was with her. Thanks for making me laugh I needed that about the women with me. You are like my sister she is practically has me divorced and me with options. Not really but you know what I mean its more she has never liked my wife and thought I was being taken for a ride so she says stuff like that.

tushnurse, I don't need a woman to feel complete. I have been single before and I think if I do get divorced I will be single for a long time or who knows maybe forever. That doesn't bother me. I am not afraid to be alone really. And I know this is hard to believe and I get it now with all that has been happening but its not being alone, but that my life with my wife didn't pan out. I know she has a lot of issues and quite frankly treated me like shit but before all that I adored her. I mean really loved her. I cant explain it, I know anyone can point out a million things to get her on about and they are warranted but there was something there at one point. I wanted to be a devoted man to her.

That is what makes me angry and sad is that when something like this got me upset she couldn't get it. And in return all that admiration I had for her left too.

Craig, she doesn't have any accounts or anything just on her own. Well some stuff is in her name like couple credit cards but I pay that. So if I shut joint accounts down it shuts me down. And I don't want her to not have access to no money but if I see she is going to pull money out like her one gf told her than I have to do something.

Open a new account in just your name, make sure all of your paychecks go into your own account from now on.

Is she planning on going to this beach thing, or is she still not mentioning it?

craig, to her credit she had planned on it due to its an annual trip with that group of women, but when all this has been going on and me being distant she has not said or asked me about it.

According to the VAR conversations she even thinks it would not be good for her to go and such. Some of the other women agree and some say that it would be good for us to be apart and recharge our batteries. The one woman that is openly cheating on her husband thiks its crazy she wont go. She also says I wont leave as I couldn't take not being with her son. She is not wrong there but she makes me sick how cold she is about marriage.

Gary... she is not going to warn you if she clears out the bank account. She did not warn you that she would have an affair did she? You need to close down the account or at the very, very least remove 1/2 the money from it and arrange for all future deposits to go into the new account.

Now here is some tough love advice for you. STOP with the idea that you will be financially responsible for her son. You are not and the more you tell yourself that, the more power she will get over you to pull you back in.

He is NOT your responsibility. Do not let her use her child as a barging chip to extort money from you. If as you say you do care about the kid, don't allow him to be used as a pawn by her to emotionally and financially manipulate you.

I suspect that you really don't like hearing this... But you have got to stop the nice guy, problem fixer, knight in shining armor, facilitator mindset you.

Walk away and at this point walk away fast. Make a clean break. This means not just with her but with the child as well. You deserve to move on with life and find someone that values you as the hard working and caring person you seem to be, not as a walking talking meal ticket to be exploited.

Make copies of these conversations your wife is having and when your situation is resolved, whether you D or R, give her cheating friends husband your evidence and give her something to worry about other than giving you WW bad advice.

Look at facts here.

She cannot be trusted. She is a liar. She likes money. She doesnt like to work.

Move your money. Protect yourself.

If you want to support that boy set up a trust and make sure the money is spent on him and him alone. Otherwise it will be spent on lunches and shoes and other shallow useless shit.

First, let me say that I've been around for a while and seen about everything and done most of it. And from what I've seen here, your wife doesn't have a clue and sadly I don't think you do either. My background is military and I was in a uniform of some kind for 45 years. I had to deal with men and women of all personalities. There were those that all I had to do was tell them what I wanted and they took the initiative and did exactly what was needed to be done without any other instructions. Then there were those that when told to do something, they had no clue . I would have to outline each and every step they needed to take in order to accomplish the mission. Your wife appears to be of this nature. She may be college educated with a high IQ but she was not blessed with a single clue of what to do right now. I once knew a man with a PHD that didn't have enough common sense to fill a thimble. You want her to do the fixing on her own initiative but she doesn't have any ideal how to do this. Right now she is trying to do the same things she was doing before the A because that IS ALL SHE KNOWS HOW TO DO. This is the only way she knows how to fix it. Just by reading what you say, I think your wife is emotionally more child than she is adult. She thinks by saying, "I'm sorry" and trying to return to the life before, that things will be okay. And she doesn't understand why this is not working. She does not understand why you don't want her and her son anymore. The child in her says you promised not to ever leave me and now you are lying like all the others. I think she loves you and you truly love her and you are so confused and hurt right now that you are lost as what to do. Do not throw this woman, this marriage away. If you do I can almost promise you that years down the road, you are going to look back and say, "What in the hell was I thinking". Is she worth saving? Do you love her and the family enough to pull yourself out of the dumps and fight for what you really want? If you want her then get off the bloody fence and fight for her. She DOESN"T know how to fight. You are going to have to take command and lead her step by step. One thing about command. You call the shots. You want her to clean house. Then tell her that you AND her is going to clean the house. And you and her do so. You want her to help cook then you AND her cook together. Include her in every domestic undertaking you have, from washing dishes to grocery shopping. Give her validation when she earns and deserves it and also tell her when she is falling short. This has a plus side because it keeps you together a lot. You coach her son's baseball, take her with you and give her a job keeping ball statistics or something. You have to be an alpha male and show her what you want because SHE DOES NOT KNOW. Another thing you need to do is look her in the eyes, point your finger at her and say (in your most authoritative voice), "If I ever again even THINK that you are cheating or have cheated on me, I will walk out the door and the next time you see or hear from me will be in divorce court. If you forget everything else you had better never forget this. You said I promised not to leave you but you promised to forsake all others and you slept with another man. Did you keep your promise. " Then buy her a "reminder" ring. Make sure she knows it is not a present, it's a strict reminder. Put it on her finger and tell her to never take it off because it is there to remind her of your promise. Next time it will be over.

With all the advice you have been given, what happens is completely ALL up to you. Believe me, she is more lost that you. SHE KNOWS SHE HAS SCREWED THIS UP AND HAS NO CLUE AT ALL ON HOW TO FIX IT. You want this fixed then you are going to have to take the lead. I know it is against all advice but I don't think your wife has the capability of doing it herself. So, your head is telling you one thing and your heart another. For the time being, follow your heart. Anyone can get a divorce. So ask yourself what you really want, then drag yourself out of that funk and dump you have slid into. You will never reach what you want until you take the first step and fight for it. Don't reach old age and look back and say, "if only I had...." I wish you well.

Sananman, I understand but I cant just cut the boy out from my life. None of this is his fault. I don't want to not be a part of his life. That would hurt me just as much as him. I am not just a money man for this kid. We do have a bond. We spend a lot of time together and such. I know he is not mine in a legal sense but I don't think of him like that.

tushnurse, god tip thanks. I have money set aside for him. My wife doesn't know the full details of it but she knows there is something for him. I have called some of my accounts and started the process of moving some of the bigger amount over. Honestly I don't know if she knows what is what and where. Shes never been in any of the accounts and has called me at times asking can I spend this or that if it was a more than normal amount.

Gary,

A couple of thoughts:

1. I don't think you want to get divorced. I think your struggle is that you know what she needs to do to fix it and doesn't do it.

I think the poster above is right - I don't think your wife has any idea how to fix it. If that is what you want you will have to take the lead. Very specifically. As in a list that she checks off.

I think your expectation based on the examples here is misplaced. It is inconsistent with who you wife is. It is inconsistent with your roles in the marriage.

2. From the outside I see a larger issue.

You work two jobs, much of the housework, and care for her son like a father. The marriage is incredibly imbalanced. I hope that as you gain perspective you realize your life Pre-A really wasn't right. It isn't right for someone to expect all of this from you and not take initiative to ease some of your burden.

So my suggestion is to sit down with your wife and talk about both things simultaneously. As you say, you married her knowing this. But her A isn't the only example of her taking advantage of you in this marriage. It screams from these posts.

As I said, your W is never going to be a model wayward. To some degree R'ing means accepting that. But if that is what you choose it should open the door to the entire way you live.

If she really loves you, and is just lost about how to fix this, she should be open to discussing all of this.

Because it is beyond f'd up to cheat on a guy working two jobs because he isn't giving you enough attention.