SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

you are not a loser. You tried! hold your head up high because when you look back you will be able to say you tried everything. The next little bit will not be easy and you will not see the light at the end of the tunnel just yet but I assure you that you will get through. You deserve better don't forget that .

There's that ugly CoD rearing it's ugly head.

STOP JUST STOP BLAMING YOURSELF.

NOTHING, not ONE DAMN THING YOU DID OR DIDN"T DO Caused or impacted this.

This is quite simply a choice made by a person who is very broken. She chose to cheat, she chose to continue, and she chose to blame you. She is broken, and you can't fix her. She has to do that for herself, just like the alcoholic, or drug addict can't stop using because soemone else does the work.

You have done your best. You CAN walk away w/ your head held high.

Please see a lawyer ASAP.

Please move funds this am.

Please stop her Credit Cards, report them stolen, because they essentially are.

Please make you and you alone the number one priority.

Quit apologizing. We are here to help you regardless of the path you travel.

(((and strength)))

Sorry it came to this but you really did all you could to save the marriage and she did nothing.All she cares about is not working and gossiping with her friends, what a wakeup call she is in for when your gone . You deserve someone so much better than her ,someone who really appreciates you and is not just using you .Maybe you should try spend some time with your own family or friends and not just in a hotel ,you could do with the support .

Oh Gary,

You are not a loser and you have not wasted anyone's time.

I have read this thread but never replied before as I had nothing to add to all the fantastic advice you got.

I know you feel awful, but you have finally understood who your wife is-an ungrateful, selfish and spoiled brat.

Please make an appointment to see a layer ASAP as I imagine her being nasty to you soon.

You need to protect yourself and your finances. I know you love your step son and you want to leave him money, but think about reducing the the amount.

One day you will find a woman who will appreciate all your qualities and love you unconditionally, and Gary, you have a lot to give. One day, you will need that money for your kids.

You have shown an incredible strength, hang in there.

Wish you all the best.

Ugh...

I don't even know who was sitting across from me during this. Not my wife.

This is why I guess your next step is to start moving money and protecting yourself. Not saying you stop taking care of son but she may do some unpredictable crap soon.

I think you just got the *big reveal* on your wife and it is not pretty. She is abusive to put you through all this. So sorry it didn't turn out for you.

It is the WORST feeling.

We have ALL felt like a loser after Dday1, dday2, dday 3 and so forth.

Your wife has done everything wrong from the beginning and now she admits more. And there is more to admit probably, but at this point anything else doesn't really matter.

That her friends don't work and to be honest she said if I want honesty she is a little embarrassed for us. That she knows I am a hard worker but after my paycut having to work two jobs is embarrassing.

She is embarrassed that you have two jobs yet not embarrassed she had sex with a guy everyone knows. WOW, she really has some f'ed up priorities.

She has no clue as to how marriage really works. She has no clue how the economy in this country is either.

I dont know what else to say, if she doesn't get it she doesn't get it and she has refused to read the books you have given her.

As for her friends, the bold faced lying is disgusting. Just tell her, what about so and so, screwing other guys. I know you dont want to give up your source of a knowledge, just tell her that YOU also talk to people in the neighborhood.

At this point there is no more need to talk to her or argue with her. She refuses to learn, she refuses to help, she refuses to read the books and hell, she even refuses to cook or do laundry.

Just remember, this most certainly does not make you a loser.

In a nut shell, she was/is ashamed of you, that’s why she had the affair… amazing!!!!

She tried to have a special connection with OM, something for just the both of them, and now she says she didn’t like it…BS, she did it because she liked it, period! She wanted that connection and was happy to pay the price.

IMO best thing you can do is get rid of her ASAP.

Divorce her will help tons her son, the role mother he has is just delusional, getting D will put her feet on the ground.

I am deeply sorry, but you cannot R with someone that puts everybody before you!!! She is not who thought she was. You deserve better, much better.

She came clean, of course there may be more, but at least she is trying to explain her self, the thing is that you should not be with someone that is ashamed of you, there is not coming back from that. I believe she needs to be alone to taste what she is not able to appreciate and threw away like garbage.

I am so sorry for you. I have been thought this - you are not wasting anyone's time here.

I actually think what she said not relating to the A is more disturbing than the additional detail she provided.

She isn't a partner in life. When things got tough for the two of you she allowed you to work two jobs while not showing any effort to help. To let you continue to do the dishes after you took a second job is a sign that when things got difficult she was unwilling to adapt.

Hey Gary.

I am proud of you. :)

You held to your GUNS! I think your quite the moral man. That is so cool. Someday, your son will look up at you... trust me he will. When his mom has nothing left, he will come asking and you will have the chance to remold him.

She is leeching off of you. The thing with leeches is, they get old and used up cause they never take of themselves. They just keep downgrading, because they wont put in the work.

I am wondering if it would be a good idea to tell her to go to church counseling person by herself. She might get blasted anyways lol. She sounds sort of LALALA in the head.

But this is far from over. She now has two choices wake up and sell the coffee and join reality, or fade into false reality. I've seen both happen. The rest is up to her. Either way your going to have to stick to your convictions.

Might not want to give in and start having sex with her, that will mess you up lol. Imagine her last confession in your head, keep that picture there. It will help keep you from reacting to manipulative tactics

Anyways. Your in my thoughts and prayers. Btw what state are you in?

oh yes. please see a lawyer. quickly. you will regret it if you don't... When entitled people get angry and turn nasty because they realize they are loosing they're free lunch, they turn into insatiable BIG BLOOD SUCKERS (in a feeding frenzy). Protect yourself so someday you can protect your son.

Wow. Just.... wow.

Listen, I'm gonna have to send you a bill, bud. Your wife just broke my Entitlement Meter. The thing just exploded. Sitting here in pieces.

I'm so sorry, bro. It sucks to find out she isn't marriage material. Unfit for human consumption.

It's not your job to finish raising her and fix the half-baked job her parents did. I don't think it is possible for you to help her grow an empathy bone. Her arrested development is permanently stuck somewhere in her teens.

On the bright side I'm not sure you actually need a divorce. I think you can get it annulled based on polygamy, since she was already married to her lifestyle and not you.

Hang in there Gare-Bear. In these sucky days it's easy to forget to take care of yourself. Get some exercise and drink plenty of water. And you didn't waste anyone's time. That's what forums like these are for. Keep writing to stay sane. I don't think any of your fans are planning on leaving you hanging.

Gary -

You are not a loser, you are awesome. You went above and beyond what most people would ever put up with. You can honestly say you have put every effort into this.

You might feel bad now, but you will emerge from this with your dignity and honor.

Important thing for you now is to take care of yourself physically, mentally and financially. Tough to focus on this stuff when your emotions are eating you up... But this is very important.

She has parents so she has a place to go. She needs to leave the house for your mental well being. You need to make sure you eat healthy, drink lots of water and avoid alcohol for the time being. If you are not already, do some simple daily exercise, even if it is going on a walk.

While you are still married you cannot fully cut her off financially ( and it does not sound like you are the kind of person that would do it), but you need to make sure she cannot clean you out. Anything that is joint, you need to either shut down or remove 1/2 the funds to a different account. If you have direct deposit for payroll - need to change where threat goes.

You need to detach and "180" hard core. No interaction other than what is necessary to get the divorce papers signed and done. Move quickly and do not give yourself the chance to get drawn back in.

This next thing will probably be very unpopular and I am guessing you do not want to hear it... You also need to detach from her son and DO NOT offer to financially support him. This is for your well being... Based on last nights conversation do you truly believe that she will allow you to have anything remotely resembling a healthy relationship with the child?

This is not punishing the kid or her - you need to look out for your long term mental health and well being. Do not tie yourself to her through this kid that is not biologically yours and you have no legal responsibility for. This will just subject you to years of her manipulation and emotional abuse and prevent you from moving on.

Gary - I feel for you. You clearly wanted to do everything and anything to move on. She has shown you nothing but contempt. Show yourself some love and appreciation now... Move on, move on quickly and make a clean break.

Don't look back, don't wonder what if, and don't torture yourself any more. A new and much bett future is out there if you will allow yourself to move on and take hold of it.

Best of luck to you!

Hey Gary.

I am proud of you. :)

You held to your GUNS! I think your quite the moral man. That is so cool. Someday, your son will look up at you... trust me he will. When his mom has nothing left, he will come asking and you will have the chance to remold him.

She is leeching off of you. The thing with leeches is, they get old and used up cause they never take of themselves. They just keep downgrading, because they wont put in the work.

I am wondering if it would be a good idea to tell her to go to church counseling person by herself. She might get blasted anyways lol. She sounds sort of LALALA in the head.

But this is far from over. She now has two choices wake up and sell the coffee and join reality, or fade into false reality. I've seen both happen. The rest is up to her. Either way your going to have to stick to your convictions.

Might not want to give in and start having sex with her, that will mess you up lol. Imagine her last confession in your head, keep that picture there. It will help keep you from reacting to manipulative tactics

Anyways. Your in my thoughts and prayers. Btw what state are you in?

oh yes. please see a lawyer. quickly. you will regret it if you don't... When entitled people get angry and turn nasty because they realize they are loosing they're free lunch, they turn into insatiable BIG BLOOD SUCKERS (in a feeding frenzy). Protect yourself so someday you can protect your son.

Oh my, I have been following your words and I am just so heartbroken for you. I hear both my side and my WH side in everything you wrote. No ones time was a waste, no one is on here telling you you HAVE to stay with her, just that you are not to blame and to support you in your decisions. Not everyone here has reconciled or even knows if they want too.

You had to try, to say you did everything you could. Every thing you asked of her was reasonable, cutting out toxic friends, a poly, going to work...sure I would love to live in my own made happy world where someone else takes care of everything, but this is the real world and if I want it I have to work for it. She SHOULD be proud of what a hard working considerate man you are, and I hope she hasn't ruined you in the process of her disrespect because there are 50% of people out there who DON"T CHEAT!!!! Unfortunately you and I got the other 50%.

If this is the end, rest knowing, you did everything you could. You gave her plenty of opportunity to step up with NO efforts on her part. Walk away with your head high my friend.

Don't leave the forum though, you are still going through the stages of grief and you need a place to continue to heal, married or not you still need to heal! Your situation has been a help for me, along with all the advice I read. The kind people on here will help you as you begin to recover from this horrible situation. it is good to vent feelings. You will face more challenges and we are here to listen. Start IC if you haven't you WILL have trust issues and a good counselor will help you get through the tough road ahead. My thoughts are with you (and a prayer for strength)

I still feel like I need a shower after that ride through Cloud Cuckoo Land she calls her thought process.

Honesty is good. In fact necessary for a good marriage, but... DAMN. Not once does she apologize for the conclusions of her dysfunctional thoughts that rattle around in her head.

She never finished with, "... and I can see now how that thinking was wrong."

The phrase "There are no guarantees in life" is wrong. Because she has shown you her thought process. This OM couldn't upgrade her lifestyle. I guarantee if any future OM can, she is gone. And she won't feel one bit sorry. She will be elated. How can you ever trust her again?

Your wife showed you who she really is. Believe her.

Now you know. You tried to make it work. You were willing to meet her halfway, but she wouldn't budge. Selfishness is something she isn't going to change without seeing the consequences. Maybe this will give her that nudge.

It does not seem like it now, but one day you will look back on this with a clear conscious and realize it was right decision.

You have a good head and a good heart. You will be just fine. It may be painful for awhile. Please do seek out some support (IC, etc.)

Nobody is going to have your best interests at heart like you will. Keep that close on the darker days.

Best wishes man. Again I am sorry. It will get better.

Wow thanks guys seriously you all been great and a HUGE help to me. I was helped so much here I would have never got a VAR, made her try to read things to help us, and everything else. Who knows I would probably might have never woken up to what is going on with me. I am grateful.

Ive been getting bombarded with texts and emails from her. Saying she is so distraught, sorry for everything, that we are each other soul mates, how could I just give up so easily etc. I am not responding. I don't have it in me and I don't want to be nasty and angry with her. I would regret that later. After all this she is still my wife I do have some respect for her even if I don't get it in return.

But last night broke me. I am not going to fold. I am checked out. After last night staying up all night I felt something I never thought I would feel for her...nothing. I cant describe the kick in the nuts I felt after our talk.

I hate to sound like a sap and I pride myself on not with things but I don't feel great with all this. I am tossing around calling out going in tonight for my other job but I feel bad as when you do other guys got to pick up slack. But I can barely think straight now.

I have listened to all your advice here and thanks again. I have moved some money around. I am not going to have her totally cut off but it will be a lot less than she is used to.

I talked to my sister and like most here she is sorry but not sorry. She is like I hate that you are hurting but I knew this day would come and I miss the real Gary and never liked her. She was telling me to hold off on trying to get that job I applied for so I can quit my 2nd job as it would make me pay more in a divorce. But i know my one friend that got divorced where i live (NJ) and it took about a year. Does anyone know if that is the norm? I don't want to wait that long and honestly thinking i would have to go a year back and forth with her makes me ill.

Gary, I am so very sorry. I'm honestly speechless at her selfishness and lack of empathy. It's stunning. I'm sure that when you're living with it, you get so used to it that you just can't see it as an outsider can.

You are obviously a good man, honest, caring, a good provider. You have integrity. You put her on a pedestal and did everything, I mean EVERYTHING, for this woman. And she did not appreciate any of it. She figured she deserved all that. She still doesn't see that she should put ANYTHING in to the partnership. It's gobsmacking.

Gary, I know you are hurting. I know it sucks to realize that you were in love with a mirage. Now you've seen the monster behind the curtain. I hope it makes it a little easier to let go. There are so many decent women out there - truly - who want to contribute mutually to a relationship. I think that once you get out of this mess and can see clearly again, you will be stunned at how much you did and how little she did.

You have NOTHING to be embarrassed or ashamed of. She does. She's just a leech. A soul-sucking leech. You should be nothing but PROUD of who you are, what you've done, and how you treated her and her son. You are a valuable human being. You deserve someone who sees that. I'm just sick for you.

You haven't wasted anyone's time here. Not in the least. People here want to help other people survive this hellhole called infidelity. The people responding want to help you through this, no matter which direction you go. We just don't want to see you get stuck and continue to be abused emotionally by this woman. We are here to prop you up when you need it. Show you the warning signs - the red flags. Help you get a game plan when all you want to do is get swallowed up by the world. You need the support of people who really understand.

When you are ready, there are a whole host of folks down in the Divorce and Separation Forum who can help you navigate that path. Go get the support you need. We are all here to help each other.

Start marching forward, Gary. Start on that to do list. Separate finances. See an attorney. Get her out of the house. Eat, stay hydrated, exercise. Try to sleep. See a doc if you need temporary help. There is no shame in that either.

It's time for some positive self-talk. Work on it. You are worthy, Gary. Worthy of being loved and appreciated. Worthy of having your needs taken care of too. I hope you can spend some time with good friends who lift you up during these dark days. You will be okay.

Gary - get a lawyer and they will be able to answer your questions on length of time. I practice in a different state but have a buddy who got divorced in NJ. My understanding is if the divorce is based on irreconcilable differences (basically no fault) there is no child support obligation and the property split is easily agreed to - it can actually get done in as few a 2 months.

But a lawyer familiar with your state will be the go to guy for questions.

Keep strong!

Don't base any decisions on what others tell you or their experiences. YOU NEED to see a lawyer, NOW.

Please call and make an appt or 3 and get a feel for how this will play out. Some states it takes longer when there are kids, and complicated financial situation.

For you I'm not sure what will happen. I would also ask about seperate and distinct funds for your stepson. Keep that as a different and distinct thing from the D.

I would urge you to not go to work. Get some sleep, and be kind to you for the next 2 days and get some shit done on the S&D to do list.

Hey Gary, I practice in New Jersey and the whole deal is getting an agreement. Once the agreement is finalized you can get divorced the next day if the complaint has been filed. The one year deal is that from beginning to end, the courts do not want a divorce case to go longer than a year. They will push you to settle or have a trial in that time frame. Also the magic time is June. That is the end of the courts calendar year so any case that is near a year old will be put on the fast track to resolve it before June 30 when the judges have to report their case load to Trenton and no body wants to list cases near or over a year old. Good luck.