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So, essentially, you work two jobs and she sits on her ass and spends the money you bring home while doing absolutely nothing to keep up the home or make it easier for you to work those two jobs. And she has the unmitigated gall to say she's embarrassed that you work the two jobs? She should be embarrassed that she's a lazy sponge treating her husband like a slave.

If my family were suffering and we needed extra money to get by or get ahead, I'd work at McDonald's and not be embarrassed about it. I'd clean toilets. I'd pick up dog shit. I'd do whatever I had to do to help my family without regard for what the rest of the world thought about me. Whoever said your wife's sense of entitlement is appalling was dead on. I'm disgusted by her and you absolutely do deserve better.

There are women out there who would appreciate a hard working man and not come up with ridiculous excuses for cheating on him and hanging around a bunch of people who encourage the sense of entitlement. You truly can't fix this woman. She's got major issues and you've only scratched the surface.

I know losing your marriage hurts but by this time next year, you'll be glad to have gotten rid of the weight on your shoulders. Work through the pain and let her go. And that is coming from someone who believes in reconciliation and redemption. But I'm sorry- a wife who is embarrassed that her husband does whatever he has to do to support the family is not a wife, she's a child.

Even divorce isn't a permanent end to some relationships..

Depends on the couple...

I called a lawyer someone recommended me and am seeing them tomorrow morning. Its surreal to be honest I am making these calls. I have also contacted my HR department and getting my direct deposit changed as I had a portion each deposit go inter her account for spending so I need that changed.

I owe some people some responses from before sorry I don't mean to not answer quickly. Yes I pay the mortgage on the house and such but she is on there too and her father did give us as a gift money towards the down payment. So I don't know what that will detail in a divorce. I don't want the house and don't want to pay for it either. Its too big to be honest. I don't want her and her son living in a shack but I cant afford them to be there and me having a place. Honestly I would be ok just getting an apartment for now. I like to have it not near here anyway. I was never much of a burbs guy I like to get back in the city maybe.

I will check with the lawyer when I officially get on about the money for my step son. I have it tied up in his name so I hope it can stay that way and not go to her. My credit cards are fine but hers which I am on have decent balances I will have to get taken care of. I also got to get our anniversary trip I was going to give her for a gift canceled and hope I still can. We were going to take our dream trip we talked about when dating, 10 days in Italy. I will take a bath on that if I cant get it refunded. Shit there is so much crap to deal with I know this is going to be a nightmare.

I am going to decide against calling out of my other job tonight. I don't want them to get stuck with more work. I know when others call out it sucks big time to us there. Not their fault I am dealing with crap.

To the women on this post helping thank you for your kind words. Its nice to hear them really. But trust me I don't have negative opinion of women out there. Hell before this I didn't even on my wife. When this gets all settled it would be nice to go out for a date with someone that is appreciative. But that is so far down the line.

She is keeping up with the calls and texts. Now wants me to go out to dinner with her parents to talk. I am not going to take the bait. But our of respect for her folks I will text her father that I cant go.

I forgot to add she must be talking to the group as one of the husbands texted me saying he is hearing there are problems that I am leaving my wife and such. That I don't want to work on it and telling her its over.

This whole thing is bad enough I don't need the town in my business either. Hence why I cant wait to move.

Gary, if you'll indulge me a modest prediction:

If you leave and don't look back, then after you have time to detox and heal, you'll have exactly ZERO regrets about your decision to leave.

It might not seem that way now because you're still in it, and regrets about how you got into this situation will remain for a long time. But you won't regret the decision to free yourself from this woman who uses and degrades you, I promise.

I say this because it's pretty common for a BS to feel ashamed and powerless even when all the evidence shows he's done all he can do. Step out of the feelings and act. It will feel unnatural (because you're a stand up kinda guy, right?) but it's necessary now. It takes courage but it's worth it. Reclaim your life, no one should be allowed to make you sacrifice it on the altar of a cheating selfish wife.

It seems maybe you know this in your head but your heart isn't there yet.

Gary,

Tell her father WHY and tell him everything.

Gary

I honestly think there is a better future for you. I would never tell someone to give up on their marriage, but setting aside the A she just isn't a partner you deserve.

When bad things happen a couple should pull together and support each other. And yet it really sounds like she did none of that.

There are women in this world who would respond in a very different way than yours has. That wouldn't have let their husband work two jobs and still sat on their butts.

I think you will find someone who is a partner and who does have your back. And when you do I think the difference will astound you.

You deserve better than this - and I would say this with or without the A. I am confident you will find it.

[This message edited by redsox13 at 1:45 PM, April 28th (Thursday)]

redsox13, thanks man and I know there are great people and women out there. But that is a long way from me even getting to know that. Plus I thought my wife was a great one. That is the pain talking she was a great woman just not in all ways and obviously not now. I do feel sad when I read in here all the things other wives do for their husbands or the love they give. Those are some lucky guys.

Your post sounded like my sister is on here. I love her she is great any my main family support system but she needs to tone down her glee that I want to leave my wife. She is like just wait till this is over I know so many women that will be wanting to go out with you. I was like tone it down sis ok. She means well though.

Gary-

So you have reached this point. Those of us who tried, but ended up D really understand.

I tried for 7 years, but eventually my WW's complete lack of remorse (or willingness to stop cheating) just wore me down (hence my handle name).

I just realized that I couldn't take any more disrespect/lies/bullshit. And then I just didn't really care for her anymore. I do mourn the loss of the dream of growing old together, but that was just a dream.

I just want to tell you that it does get better. Your life will improve just from not having to worry about what she is, or is not (working) doing. It takes a huge burden off of you.

I wish you well.

[This message edited by WornDown at 2:12 PM, April 28th (Thursday)]

I forgot to add she must be talking to the group as one of the husbands texted me saying he is hearing there are problems that I am leaving my wife and such. That I don't want to work on it and telling her its over.

FWIW. By all means do not feed the drama monster. Just give them all crickets.

As far as her parents go . . .remember they are her parents that coddled her from a young age. They will do anything for her. Blood is thicker than water.

When push comes to shove they will side with her every time. Even if they know you are in the right.

Keep this logical. View anyone who has an association with your W, no matter how small, suspiciously.

The only way to win the drama game is not to play.

Her and her friends are just eating this up living their real housewives fantasy's.

I agree that there are some things you should tell your father-in-law in regard to your WHY. That you have worked two jobs to provide for her and her son; that you do almost all the cooking cleaning and maintenance. And most importantly, that despite you working your ass off to provide for them, she told you that she is embarrassed that you have to work a second job. That she uses her leisure time to have a relationship with another man, even in your own bed. Tell him that you *were* willing to work on things if she had put forth some effort toward reconciliation.

He needs to understand exactly what kind of entitled daughter he "gave away" to you as a wife. As a man, he should understand that the level of disrespect is appalling and unacceptable. He should be equally disgusted by his daughter.

However, do not give him one bit of your game plan. Keep that close to the vest. In the end, blood is thicker than water, and he will want to protect his daughter. Well, he can have her back and resume providing for her "in the way to which she's become accustomed".

If he has the audacity to call you out on the commitment you made to her, please make sure you point out that she broke that commitment, therefore freeing you of any of those responsibilities.

Hang in there, Gary.

I sat and read this thread from beginning to end this afternoon. Wow. I am stunned. Your wife is in La La Land. I can't believe that she did none of the things that you were begging her to do in order to save the marriage.

Stay strong. More tough days are ahead, I imagine.

I apologize, Gary. It is not difficult to read between the lines and see that in many ways she was a great woman.

You need time to mourn. No one can see the future.

There is a child here that is going to pay for her mother's actions.

Take care of yourself. I really suggest you find a therapist. I know it's not a guy think - but they can really help.

Find some way to get away with a friend. Get some perspective. Remind yourself that you really tried - you really did everything but show her a map.

So I know its probably a dick move I am not returning any of her texts or calls. I think its past 30 at this point telling me to not shut her out we are still married, silence will get us nowhere, I am your wife you cant just ignore me, why are you hurting me and so on.

I am trying to be respectful cause right now I don't know what I would say to her. I don't think she knows that I am way past my usual state and am angry or really I just don't care for her.

But one of my concerns is starting. I am not on facebook (our company has a policy that they can follow you and I don't want work in my personal life and really I don't have time for it) but my wife is. She lives on it. I would hope that this could stay between us and her family at the most.

Nope my sister emailed me that she is posting cryptic messages that are not so cryptic and getting everyone all in a lather. Stuff like...it sucks when you wake up and your life is forever changed, cant believe that someone you love doesn't want that love and you are alone...will I find the strength to go on tomorrow. Of course her crew is all over it talking and such. My sister said she is sorry but couldn't take it and in her words "put your wife, hope to be ex on blast" and it caused a major shitstorm. I don't want this at all. I guess my sister posted maybe you would have these issues if you didn't sex up another guy in your bed or something.

I hate drama. Now I know I am putting my wife crap on here and my issue but I feel its a little different than facebook.

Course now one of my friends wife who follows my wife read all this. I hadn't told my buddy yet but this is the last thing I need.

You don't really owe her a response. Her son is a completely different story, but not her.

Not in this moment.

You did not want this result, and those of us who are here now you reached out to her when many here advised against it.

I know how much that sucks, Gary. It wasn't Facebook for me, but good old-fashioned gossip. Since my kids found out before I did (and told people), the news circulated in our community like wildfire. I HATED that. I'm very private and wanted to just disappear. I couldn't though. I had to hold my head up.

I know many of us BS deal with shame over being betrayed. It is hard. But please hold your head high. She is the one who should be squirming. Man. She's still desperate to make you out to be the bad guy. Please be confident in the knowledge that you acted as moral and dignified and decent as anyone could hope. You treated her so well and she took you for granted. She should feel and bear the shame, not you.

I know how badly this feels tho. Most decent people can see through her narcissistic rage and dram though. She's acting like a 14 year old drama queen. Don't feed the drama llama. Stay dignified and let them talk.

[This message edited by StillStanding1 at 3:31 PM, April 28th (Thursday)]

When you get home, calmly tell her you do not consider her your wife any longer and that you want her to go to her parents until you get this over with.

Tell her flat out she is going to wind up with less the more she forces you to spend

You don't need to respond. It's called the 180 and there are many here who have done it.

Don't worry about the gossip and talk. It has NOTHING to do with you. I know it doesn't feel that way, but you have acted w/ Honor and have been clear on your intentions. She can twist it about, but in the end, the truth will shine through as certain as the sun will shine tomorrow.

Step away from the crazy. She is doing all this BS for attention. She is an attention whore. Don't pay her. Oh and if she even so much as hints at suicide, or causing self harm, you call 911. Don't pause just do it. She seems just the sort for that, and when the cops and ambulance, and all that show up at the house, and call her out on her bullshit, well she will think twice before doing it again, especially when she knows it will impact her image, and possibly get her son removed from her care.

PS. I think it's time to get that VAR out of the car and keep it on your person. Your WW wouldn't be the first to falsely accuse their spouse of domestic violence. She is going to come at you hard, keep your cool, whatever you do. Be calm, do not get engaged. Protect yourself!!!!!

And also, coming here and getting support on an anonymous forum is nothing close to putting your issues out on Facebook for the world to see. Don't even compare the two.

Edited to add: yes yes yes to tushnurse!!! Call 911 immediately if she threatens suicide. She wouldn't be the first.

[This message edited by StillStanding1 at 3:41 PM, April 28th (Thursday)]

Not responding is the right thing to do. Keep doing that. Don't respond, don't engage, don't get pulled in. Don't respond to her, don't respond to the parents, don't respond to the friends.

You are doing GREAT! The longer and more consistently you stick to no contact and not engaging, the better and more comfortable you will be with it.

As far as the Facebook and other stuff... So what. You know the truth and eventaully everyone else will as well. Don't respond and don't get pulled in.