SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

On a side note, no one has said anything to her yet and it doesn't seem like anyone is surprised by his firing. Speaks volumes...

As far you know. You cannot believe everything your wife is telling you at this point.

@ bigger - to use your car analogy...

i feel that 4-6 months advice is the time to dig the car out or at least see idf it can and then to see if it can be salvaged.

Her AP boss gets canned an now she starts seeing some of the ramifications of her actions?

Work on yourself, focus on you. Watch her and see what her ACTIONS are towards repairing and becoming a better person.

You are doing very well with the whole DETACHING, See for yourself where you were on pg.1 of this thread.

I let my WW feel all those shitty feelings about herself. No remorse for her feeling like crap from me. She did it to herself. I always like to use the "Your better than all this shit" line. Seems to be a good at both bringing more resolve and also reminding her she was a shitty person.

So much fun this whole shit sandwich our wayward serve us.

Wow, sneaker! Lmao, I have changed a lot, haha. I had only reread what others have written in the thread, not my own thoughts and whatnot. Yeah, I don't feel like crying about this anymore and haven't for most of last week. I probably came off as cold last night as I just kinda sat there while she sobbed, but I just don't feel bad for her at all.

Dm

I hope you realize if you handled the first a stonger you would not be in this situation you are in.

Please understand that you need to learn from it.

This is not a car stuck in the mud. This is you life and you future. You can not control her. The only person you can control is you. That is why you need to work on you.

Given what you had do not work for your WW, understand you can not nor should go back to it.

The girls trip is part of her pattern and behavior. She goes on a trip of a life time and it does not include you. What does that tell you.

You stayed home and she went and had a great trip.

You give, she takes.

This site is surviving infinitely not just get out. To survive you need to enpower yourself and not stay a victim of infidelity.

Don't let people blow sunshine up our tailpipe. This is a long hard road with no shortcuts.

I wanted to update you all on progress being made. Our MC is going to start meeting with my wife weekly for IC to work on her personal stuff. We are going to start doing the Not Just Friends exercises on Sunday and will have a get together between the two of us weekly or bi-weekly to continue these.

Rambler- Thanks. I agree with some of your comments and not so much with others. I agree that I could and should have taken a lot of the advice here much sooner. I don't think anything bad has happened because of it besides wasting time. I agree that I can't control her, only myself, hence working on Nice Guy and Co-Dependency issues on my own and letting her make her list and act on it.

The girls trip was just that. Two friends getting together. I almost went to Iceland last year without my wife and just my best friend. The dates unfortunately didn't work with my work schedule or I would have. No hard feelings from her. I really don't see anything wrong with her trip at all. It's not like she is refusing to go on trips with me and whatnot and frankly we spend more on domestic ski trips than she did in Vietnam so it's not like she is spending crazy money by herself and purposely not including me in things that we can never do together. I enjoyed my time alone as well as it gave me time to think about myself, catch up on some things, goof off and think about what I want to see as hers and ours next steps. If the Vietnam trip was her and myself I would have cancelled it.

[This message edited by desertmirage at 8:37 AM, December 1st (Thursday)]

I really don't see anything wrong with her trip at all.

The thing with her trip makes her look very much like she doesn't think having a sexual affair with some other guy is not that big a deal.

Sort of like, oh well, I had an affair, my husband hurts like hell, but oh well, I am off around the world my a girlfriend.

The aloofness is a concern.

What is going on at her work?

Have you been reading all of her texts or is she deleting them.

I would be somewhat surprised that the OM gets fired because of the affair and has not contacted your wife.

Her work is going fine actually. It sounds like no one was surprised and that he hasn't said anything about her to anyone that as spoken to him (his closer friends are acting the same around her and others that have spoken to him still act regularly around her). From what she has gathered he is railing against the company. Someone from their accounting dept was gossiping about how it didn't look like a regular fire and that he maybe had the option to resign.

I have not been checking her texts and whatnot. She has told me has not contacted her. I too would have expected him to have to yell at her or something. I have no clue if she is deleting anything but I really doubt it. She has told me about other texts she had received from him. At this point, why hide them?

Like someone said here, I think the dude is a pussy who can't take responsibility for anything. The whole blaming the company routine is just bad. No one there believes that shit for a second. The rumblings are "I guess he finally said the wrong thing to the wrong person". My fucking wife... WHY THIS GUY???

I have not been checking her texts and whatnot. She has told me has not contacted her.

I still think you believe what she tells you far too much without seeing it for yourself.

But at this point I guess it doesnt matter, the OM is gone.

What do you mean he is railing against the company?

The office gossips a lot and from what she has heard, a few people have spoken to him and he just goes on about "how the company screwed me! it's going down the shitter, get out while you still can!" etc. The entire blame he is putting at their feet. I don't really care that much about it, but it's nice to hear he has lots of his own problems he will probably never deal with and will live out a miserable existence.

Desert

Have to say I find it suspect he hasn’t tried to contact her…

There shouldn’t be any blame to her if he does, but she should be sharing all contact with you. If she’s hiding it to “save you from pain” then she’s misguided.

But then… Maybe he realizes its over.

Bigger, I COMPLETELY agree. I expected him to tell everyone at work about her and to text or call her to tell her what a bitch she is. It really doesn't seem like any of that has happened though. I don't see why she would not tell me if he contacted her seeing as how she has told me every other time since she disclosed the A to me.

I am sure he wants nothing to do with her as she just got him fired from his job that he's had for the 20+ previous years. Maybe, as you say, he just wants to move on from it? Like I said before, while she was having A, she deleted his texts and emails so I wouldn't find them. If she did want to hide it from me, there is no way of me knowing. I have to trust her on this point that she isn't doing that.

Ah, she just texted me JUST now to tell me she got an email from him.

"So, I wanted to reach out to you sooner, but one I didn’t want to do it while you were on your trip. I didn’t want anything to ruin your vacation. I truly hope you had an amazing time. I still think you're in incredible person and I only want the best for you. The other reason I didn’t reach out sooner was because I kinda don’t know what to say, and to be honest thought you might reach out to me first. At this point, I just need to know a couple of things, like what happened and why you did what you did? I’m not angry or upset with you. To be honest, I’m just feeling a little foolish because I trusted you so completely. I didn’t think there was anything we couldn’t work out between us. And after our last conversation in my office I felt like things were going to be really good between us.

I know you aren’t good at communicating when it comes to your feelings but I really hope you can take a min and tell me why and what happened that things had to come to this. I know you cared for me at one time, and I’m hoping that you can at least tell me what happened. I think I deserve that."

That is his email to her. I think I am going to respond with her tonight and make it CRYSTAL CLEAR that he is to never contact her again, and she doesn't "owe" him a damn thing. The nerve of this guy, unless my wife was fucking wishy washy about him not contacting her, which it seems more and more that she was.

unless my wife was fucking wishy washy about him not contacting her, which it seems more and more that she was

From the tone of the letter, it is entirely possible you are not getting the full story here. It doesn't seem like she put solid NC into effect.

Or, he could be "playing nice" to get her to confess something that he thinks he can use later. He may be trying to build a case for wrongful termination.

I would not respond to this. Contact your attorney and let them send a letter stating that any further communication from OM will be considered harassment.

Great point. I was going to have her send an actual NC letter and leave it at that. But a letter from our lawyer would be better.

I am seriously concerned that what she is telling you and what she told him don't exactly line up. It sounds to me that they were much closer than she led you to believe.. It sounds from his comments that it was more than just a couple of drunken mistakes, there was/is a relationship there. I really don't believe you have the whole story yet.

Sorry, just my take on the tone of the email, take it for what its worth.

No, I know it was more than a couple drunk nights. They were hanging out and kissing over the course of 3 months. The sexual stuff was when they were drunk though. I dont think she gave him a firm no contact though. She told him only work (I saw that text) but she never told him super firm I dont think.

The tone and some of the content of that email suggests more

between them than your wife has shared with you. You still don't have all the information. Sorry

And after our last conversation in my office I felt like things were going to be really good between us.

Really, what happened the last time in his office. She cries and she lets him hug her.

I don't think you know a tenth of the entire truth.

Your wife thinks she is being honest by forwarding this to you, without realizing, her lies are falling apart.

I know you aren’t good at communicating when it comes to your feelings but I really hope you can take a min and tell me why and what happened that things had to come to this.

This guy could be a completely moronic player, but I think there is more to this than you know. He seems to know your wife very well, because these are the same things you said about your wife.

The nerve of this guy, unless my wife was fucking wishy washy about him not contacting her, which it seems more and more that she was.

I don't think your wife ever sent him a NC letter, and this text proves it.

The OM thinks he deserves an explanation, either he is a complete idiot, or your wife really did mislead him greatly.

I think I am going to respond with her tonight and make it CRYSTAL CLEAR that he is to never contact her again, and she doesn't "owe" him a damn thing.

YOU DO IT, one time, you do it on your own.

You act as her husband and you do not need your wife's help in crafting any reply. Why dont you call him on the phone and tell him.

Emails and texting, come on, call him and tell him to leave your wife the hell alone.

So far, you have focused far too much on the OM, without even thinking about your wife's huge problems with boundaries, sex and right and wrong.

Also...How did the OM know your wife went to Vietnam? Sounds like they talked a lot more than you know.