SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am sorry you and your son are experiencing such extreme pain caused by your husband. This is one of the worst betrayals I have ever read here on SI. Don't underestimate the significance of this. Your husband carries a extra kind of brokenness to betray at this level. Support your Son.

NYgirl, Welcome to SI and this club we all belong to. It is a very supportive site and there is a lot of help for every kind of situation.

Firstly, if you haven’t already, apart from reading the Tactical Primer at the top of this forum, go to the Healing Library and read there.

I’m an oldie and read many stories of betrayal, there will be someone else who has been in your situation with a WH (wayward husband) whose affair was with their son’s partner/girlfriend/wife. If you go to the I Can Relate forum, there is a thread called Double Betrayal and you will find others who have had affairs happening within the family. I think you will find it helpful.

Look for some counselling for yourself to see a way forward out of this mire. I would also suggest seeing a lawyer so that you are one step ahead should you decide to divorce. Sort out all the finances and make sure you have access to your own funds – it doesn’t matter if this is for divorce or not, it is the sensible thing to do. Get the ducks lined up, so to speak.

I think it’s important that you speak to your son. If you feel it would be too difficult, perhaps a meeting with a counsellor present or someone you trust to be sensible, tactful, respectful and kind. You son is your son, whatever his father has done. If you love him, keep your relationship with him.

Sometimes you have to follow your head rather than your heart. It’s natural to be in a state of flux – this is a trauma way out of your experience. Write things down; a personal journal, a diary of events and conversations (you will forget things if you don’t) if you should decide to divorce WH, a list of pros and cons on marriage vs divorce.

Keep posting – it helps. It may not feel like it right now, but you will survive this.

UKg

eta - bumped Great Posts for Newbies to Read to the front page of this forum for you. It's a LOT to read, but there is some very useful stuff there. I suggest you copy and paste anything relevant to your situation to a word doc and read them over the next few days. Hugs.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 3:40 AM, November 6th (Sunday)]

How is your WH responding to all of this? Is he remorseful?

I think that ship has already sailed. He's beyond feeling remorse if he's capable of betrayal to this level.

I do have to say that I have a sinking feeling that if you do choose to reconcile with your husband, I suspect your son will see that as a betrayal to him, and it may do irreparable damage to your relationship with him.

I'm so sorry you had to join our group.

I'm in no position to tell you what to do, but your husband is not deserving of either of you and as a mother I hope your loyalty lies with your son. He is as devastated as you are, perhaps more. This was his own father doing this to him. How on earth does he begin to process that? How do you? You both need to come together and support one another.

MalibuBayBreeze

Gently, Gently, Gently-

This is quite possibly one of the worst cases I have read here (and I have been here daily for 30 months). I highly doubt you will find out this was his first and only affair. It doesn't seem possible that one's first dip into infidelity is with the fiancee of a child!

Please re-read Malibu's quote above. I wholeheartedly agree.

Also, ukgirl's post was right on target. Notice, (by looking out when she registered and how many posts she has) how long she has been around here helping others!

You can do this. I know it is hard. Support your son and let others support you, too, during this painful time. My heart goes out to you!

[This message edited by Ginny at 1:48 PM, November 6th (Sunday)]

Duplicate. Sorry!

[This message edited by Ginny at 1:46 PM, November 6th (Sunday)]

Duplicate. Sorry!

[This message edited by Ginny at 1:47 PM, November 6th (Sunday)]

I don't think this can ever be forgiven.

Don't listen to his mother . Divorce this psycho.

[This message edited by ivehadit01 at 5:21 AM, November 6th (Sunday)]

I am very sorry for you and your son. Brutal is the word that comes to mind.

How was your husband and son's relationship? Were they close?

Dear NYgirl, I wish you would check in with us.

There has been some very excellent advice on this thread, and it all comes from experience and concern.

You have joined a community of people now. You are not on your own here.

I have spent the night going through this particular thread. Here are some of my thoughts

1) I think that people are right that this is possibly the tip of the iceberg with respect to betrayal, BUT, I truly believe in this case, you don't need to see the rest of the iceberg, (i.e. you do not need to know any more details, it might be there and it might not, but I believe in your case, it will only traumatize you worse knowing what else may or may not have been going on. Going NO CONTACT from your husband may save you years of pain that you didn't ask for.

2) This is a Trauma with a capital T. I believe others are also recommending this, spend this Sunday looking for a therapist that specializes in Trauma, and call first thing on Monday and get the earliest appointment they have.

3) if you can talk to your son, if you could book the same therapist for your son I think that may be helpful as well. Or a therapist that also specializes in trauma.

4) Find a lawyer. Book the lawyer on Monday for the earliest appointment you can get. Even if it is just a preliminary appointment. This will help you move forward.

5) do NOT drink Alcohol or take any type of street drug during this time. Get to your family physician as soon as possible and discuss what ever symptoms you may be having so that they can possibly prescribe you something to help through this very difficult time. Alcohol can actually make the situation much much worse.

6) Ignore your mother-in-law and listen to your friends and the people here that have years of experience.

7) read the thread everyone has been recommending about the double betrayal under the "I can relate" forum. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=512858

Now for me to be a little gentle, we all understand the need to want to try to save the marriage because at the time of discovery, a great deal of us were still in love. This is not an easy thing. Our minds go into shock and we believe that there might be some explanation to make this all go away. It is like when someone passes away or something very bad happens. Our first instinct is denial. The problem with denial in these cases is that it leads to us asking questions, which for some cases, and I believe this one falls into the category, the discussions actually cause more harm than good. The answers in this case cannot help you or your son. It really does not matter who seduced who, it does not matter any of these things, in my opinion (IMO). what I believe matters right now is getting your son and yourself as safe as possible with as much support as you can.

We are all so sorry that you are here. We really do want you to check back in, just to say you have read some stuff and you are getting help. This is a pain that none of us asked for. There are so many good spouses on this site that were terrific partners. This is probably one of the hardest things to believe, but you did nothing to deserve this. Nothing.

Please take very good care of you!

[This message edited by DdV65 at 6:49 AM, November 6th (Sunday)]

First of all, my sympathies. What a wrenching experience.

II know the right thing is to divorce him, but it still hurts to give up our history...it all feels like a lie now.

I'm relatively new here, so I can't give you as great advice as the "old hands," but this statement struck me because that's how I felt strongly last August right after my own D-day.

In my case it was 34 years of marriage (plus a couple of years of prior), family and home - it was imperative to keep that, even if it meant a hard reconcilliation.

It took me about a month and a half to see that I DID have to give it up. Despite the devastation giving it up brings, I realized that if we did try to reconcile, I didn't want to live with the distrust and anger I'd have to endure and try to overcome.

So, I suggest giving yourself some time on that decision, because you are not thinking straight and this is not the time to make big decisions. Just get him out of your life as much as you can right now, help your son, SECURE YOUR FUNDS, and see a lawyer.

Horrible stuff, NY. You've been heard. Great advice so far.

I really am concerned for your son. He was betrayed by two of the three closest people to him. Unimaginable to endure. Help him get counseling, and make sure he doesn't seek a destructive path out of this. Whatever he is feeling right now - it is appropriate.

For you...of course you will be a ball of conflicting emotions as you reconcile the actions you saw with the man you knew. The key to reconciling the two, is to recognize one of them was false. Guess which?

To get moving in the right direction, recognize you didn't know him. You just thought you did.

It is hard, hard, hard, but step back and detach, and just look at him and what he did. Really see him. Un-know all that stuff you thought you knew, and look at him with fresh eyes. He revealed himself. Believe him. Trust what you see, and not what you hear, because everything you hear will be a manipulation as he desperately tries to cram that genie back into the bottle and put his mask back on. Just watch.

Take care of yourself and your son. Use this site, we've all been through this and survived.

Sending strength!

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 7:37 AM, November 6th (Sunday)]

You also should realize the "girl" is working on your son, creating more grief for him. Expect her to be blaming your H and working full time to deflect responsibility.

My deepest sympathy, nygirl68. This is gut wrenching.

It must all feel like a giant pile-on right now, with you at the bottom, unable to breathe. Just know, you can and will survive this. First order of business is to take care of yourself. Truly. You are in shock. This is trauma. Treat yourself as kindly as you would treat a victim of a Hit &Run. You need lots of TLC.

Next, know that the folks here are giving you sound advice from many many years of collective experience. We've all been through some version of what you are experiencing. (I dare say that I agree that this is up among the worst I have read here.) The people here will try to coach you through this hell and only have your best interest at heart.

I am profoundly sad for both you and your son. I've seen the devastation my WH's A had on my kids and they *only* discovered it... what has been done to your son is exponentially more damaging. As a mother, seeing the damage to my kids was almost more than I could bear. We still have issues 4 years later. Please do whatever you can to help your son and aid in his healing. You and he need to be the "team" right now. Let your WH stew in his own juices for the time being. Distance yourself and focus on only you and your son. You both need to get into IC for yourselves. You need lots of support. I would insist that t your WH move out for now. Bringing this girl into your home while you were gone is another whole level of disrespect. That, coupled with the double betrayal of you AND your son, shows such profound depravity, it is mind-numbing.

Please, get some distance for now, so you can breathe, focus on yourself, and gain some clarity. It will come.

Again, a million hugs to you. Praying for you and your son.

My heart breaks for you and your son, NYGirl.

I am so glad you found this site and started posting.

I hope both your son are taking care of yourselves. It'll mean so much that you can be there for each other. I hope your son too gets away from all toxicity- and that he seeks support from you and from others.

I know the right thing is to divorce him, but it still hurts to give up our history...it all feels like a lie now.

[This message edited by looking4thesun at 9:56 AM, November 6th (Sunday)]

I'm extremely sorry you and your son have this to deal with.

I'm biased toward R. I believe it's easier to rebuild a long-term relationship that was good for decades than to start a new one, and I think a WS who heals is a better bet for long term fidelity than a new person would be.

Having said that, in your case, I'd be very cautious about trying to rebuild with your H.

I, too, think attempting R means you have to choose between your H and your son, and I think you'd be better off with a son who loves you than with a man who can betray both his W and his son.

Your H is straight out of a Greek tragedy. I believe he's doomed himself. Why let yourself go down with him?

I can honestly say that I consider this the worst kind of betrayal to both you and your son.

I have thought about your situation and tried to put myself in your shoes and I have only one outcome that I could stomach and that would be the D as soon as possible and make sure my son had 100% of my support.

If over time, you son opens communication with WH again, that would be up to him....for me though, I could never be with someone that was capable of harming their own kids in that way. That betrayal is going to leave some deep scars that will need therapy and your full support.

You will also be left with deep scars that will need a lot of support.

I agree with everyone who says you both need to get into therapy asap

The worst part of this from your perspective is that you probably wont be able to maintain a relationship with your son while still married to your husband, his father.

You're getting a lot of responses here as there are varying degrees of cheating and deception and they recognize this as one of the worst.

We're sorry for you.

Good. Lord.

When you think you've heard it all...

I'm so sorry for your pain NYgirl and I'm even sorrier for the pain that your son is going through. At this point he needs you NY two of the closest people in his life have betrayed and upended his life, you as his mother is his last hope.

Your WH is a piece of shit for inflicting that much pain onto his child. That is sick, he is a sick individual. It's up to you what you decide to do from here on out, but 27 years of marriage has gone to hell because of this betrayal. I'm sorry to say that there will be no coming back from this one. If you choose your WH over your son, you will lose your son. Your WH needs to take himself out of the picture for awhile so you and DS can heal. You reconciling with your WH shouldn't be top priority right now but being there for DS should be.

So the only person who thinks you should stay with your husband is his mother?

How does your son feel about grandma now?

I'm so sorry. This is the worst. Take care of yourself please.

Oh honey, I am so so sorry! Please stick around you are going to get the most amazing support here.

Look after yourself as much as you possibly can. Drink ensure if you can't eat, stay hydrated, do NOT consume any alcohol for the time being, see a Dr. for sleep aids or anxiety meds if you need and try and rest when you can.

Much love!