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D-day was 2 weeks ago after I figured things out and approached her about. She admitted to it and and said that that her priority was us as a family. She said she doesnt know if she loves him and that she's "fu----d" up in the head. She loves me but not in love with me. She gave me some details of the affair after asking. We have 2 kids 7 and 9 and have been married for 10 years - 16 together since we met in college.

I thought our life was perfect, and prided my self on being a great father and husband. Our roles are slightly reversed although I make a good living I do most of the household stuff, cleaning, kids lunches, and kids homework. She has an advancing career and has been under lot of stress at work but makes really good money. Looking back it makes sense that she was pulling away over the last few months- lack of intamcy, improving her appearance, working late, and staying over friends some nights.

The person that she cheated with over a period of 7 months is a powerful executive in the company which we both work at. She said she told him that we were going to work on our marriage but it's hard for me to believe. We have always done everything for our kids and she is a good mother.

We are living in the same house and are cordial to each other but she seems even more distant after d-day. I set a boundary if she sees him again it is over. I also sought out a counselor to deal with my emotions which as you know are all over the place right now. We've been talking a little but it's me doing all the talking so I am backing off and giving space.

I never thought she could be malicious but i she a hate in her eyes sometime towards me. Other times she seems normal and we joke. I' asked her to see someone to discuss it but has yet to do so.

How much time do I give her to open up and start the process of healing. I have always been a pleaser and giving into her but I have come to realization our marriage may be over but I don't want this to go down hill and get nasty for the kids sake. I am willing to work on the marriage if she is.

Any advice would be appreciated.

she needs to quit her job if she has contact with him at work.

please don't nice her back into the relationship. she needs to be doing the heavy lifting. she needs to be reading, going to IC, etc.

if you are offering her the gift of recovery she needs to be bending over backwards to prove to you she is a healthy partner.

you may want to ask for a polygraph.

stop being so nice to her.

I'm sorry you're here... others will be along with great advice.

Yes, she needs to quit the job, even though that might not change things. If she really thinks she is in love with this guy, that is a problem to any type of reconciliation.

Is this guy married??

Be careful. Get a VAR and keep it with you.

Where did they meet for their affair...you might want to track her whereabouts with a GPS or turn on that feature in her phone if possible.

But I have the feeling the affair continues today, based on her words and reactions towards you.

Just be careful.

Most importantly, is this guy married?

Yes the guy is married. Second marriage and has multiple kids.

If they have contact the affair is ongoing. The other mans wife needs to be informed. No warning just do it. Do no tell your wife. Let them deal with it. Do not make the mistake of helping them hide their affair. Don't worry about pushing her away she's already gone. This may wake her up to reality

It will come down to her job or your marriage.

She had an affair and You are giving her space??? Trying to nice her back will get you nothing. You'd better wake up here.

It appears you are doing way to much in the marriage which can cause you to lose respect and be taken advantage of.

You need to read "No More MrNice Guy" free PDF download immediately.

[This message edited by Marc878 at 10:34 AM, November 16th (Wednesday)]

So sorry you in the crap. I to agree that she needs to quit her job. I would let the other spouse know about the affair. I would even contact the HR department where they work.

So sorry you're here. But you'll get great support and advice from those here that have been through the hell that is infidelity.

She admitted to it and and said that that her priority was us as a family. She said she doesnt know if she loves him and that she's "fu----d" up in the head. She loves me but not in love with me.

Right now, your WW (wandering wife) is fence-sitting. She's not making a decision one way or the other hoping that she'll get to have OM (other man) on the side for excitement, and you/family for stability/appearances. You're going to need to knock her off that fence.

Looking back it makes sense that she was pulling away over the last few months- lack of intamcy, improving her appearance, working late, and staying over friends some nights.

Yes, she's was dissociating from you (same with the "I love you, not in love with you" statement). It's what cheaters do to make themselves think that what they are doing isn't that bad. Example: We've been having problems, and he's been distant, so OM just came along and made me feel special again. It must be fate and therefore OK. It's bullshit justification on the WS's part.

You're going to be looking back at your past and wondering what was real and what wasn't. That's normal. Good for you for seeking IC (individual counseling); that will help you process this.

"Staying over friends"?? Be prepared that that was OM's place, not friends.

I never thought she could be malicious but i she a hate in her eyes sometime towards me.

Yeah, you are threatening her ego kibble source. Cheaters are looking for someone else (beyond their spouse) to build up their ego - supply ego kibbles. Threaten to take that away and you are the bad guy.

How much time do I give her to open up and start the process of healing. I have always been a pleaser and giving into her but I have come to realization our marriage may be over but I don't want this to go down hill and get nasty for the kids sake. I am willing to work on the marriage if she is.

This is where things will get difficult for you. You love your spouse, and want to keep your family together. You're willing to give her another chance. If only she...

Problem is, without taking back control of this situation, your WW will be in control - she's happy to have both the OM and you (cake eating), and sit on the fence. Plus, you keep spinning in a world of hurt.

My recommendations at the beginning:

1) Recognize that your marriage is over - dead. The wife you knew is gone. Now, you may want to continue your relationship with her, but it will be different. You may also choose to end your relationship. Either way is fine, but remember, this was caused by her.

Also, realize that you can't control her actions. She could choose to end the marriage as well. But you can control your actions (see below).

2) Consult a lawyer. Learn about the divorce process in your locale. What's involved? How long? Custody? alimony? property? Does infidelity play a role in the divorce? Can you separate finances immediately?

3) Separate finances. Take 1/2 out of any joint accounts and put them in account with just your name. (check with lawyer to make sure it's ok).

4) Contact the OM's wife if he has one. This isn't to be vindictive ("ruin his life"), but to inform her. Wouldn't you have wanted someone to tell you 6 months ago? It's the moral thing to do. There is a side benefit: telling the OBS (other betrayed spouse) will definitely blow up his world and will likely cause him to throw your WW under the bus. A lot of times (I was 2 for 2 on this with my xW) the OM realizes what he's going to lose in a D and tells the OW it's over. You also get a second set of eyes (OBS) to make sure they don't resume contact.

5) Confront your WW. Time to push her off the fence. Sit her down and tell her that you won't be her second choice. She either commits to the marriage or you divorce. Give her conditions for YOU wanting to reconcile (R) - No contact with OM (If they can't avoid each other at work, she get's a new job). She goes into IC to understand why she would seek ego kibbles. Gives you access to all electronic media. Gives you a timeline. Etc. (You can read the healing library (link at top on left) to see what she could do to help you heal/feel safe in the marriage.)

Then let her decide. Personally, I would give her 15 minutes. If she hems and haws - there's your answer. She's not all in.

Only if she (and you) are 100% committed can you get over this. If either one of you is doing all the work it will fail. Which leads to this:

Don't necessarily commit to R immediately. Just say that you will give her the chance to show YOU that SHE wants to change. She needs to WIN YOU BACK. Not the other way around. And watch her actions over the next few months. If she's doing all the right things, great. But if she slacks off, or gives you the "get over it" speech, she isn't remorseful and won't change her behavior. It also gives you time to process this trauma and decide if you want to stay in this relationship.

However, if she hems and haws about any parts of your requirements. File immediately. The shock and awe may knock her off the fence. If not, you marriage was already dead (see #1 above) and you are now starting your path of healing.

Good luck and keep posting.

PS: Get the book Not Just Friends. It's the bible of understanding and dealing with infidelity.

[This message edited by WornDown at 10:43 AM, November 16th (Wednesday)]

Goodguy

Sorry you had to join this club. Just know that you aren't alone and there are good people here that can help you navigate this shitty situation.

She said she doesnt know if she loves him and that she's "fu----d" up in the head. She loves me but not in love with me.

That is typical nonsense that most BS's get when they confront their WS. It's excuses and lies and blame-shifting. I would recommend you spend some time reading other JFO stories and you'll begin to see the pattern develop. Your WW wife isn't unique and likely will have nothing original to throw at you. Usually it just boils down to insecurity combined with a lack of integrity to create poor coping skills in dealing with whatever emotional deficit the Wayward has going on.

I never thought she could be malicious but i she a hate in her eyes sometime towards me.

Every BS has to wrestle with this feeling. I suspect what you see is not hate, rather her knowing what she's done and her knowing that you know what she's done. That's what's called a foggy, unremorseful, WS. She can't own her actions so she projects it on to you.

How much time do I give her to open up and start the process of healing. I have always been a pleaser and giving into her but I have come to realization our marriage may be over but I don't want this to go down hill and get nasty for the kids sake. I am willing to work on the marriage if she is.

Me personally...1 day. I believe that there are some things that aren't negotiable. My stance was, get your head out of your ass ASAP or we're done. That didn't have positive results with my exWW but it clarify who she was and is. You have to decide what you can deal with and accept and for how long. There aren't any good choices, just the lesser of two evils.

I thought our life was perfect, and prided my self on being a great father and husband.

You could have been Super Dad and Husband of the Millennia and it wouldn't have mattered. Whatever reason she chose to be unfaithful was her's alone. It had nothing to do with you. Please remember that.

My counselor says she is struggling with her decision and will take some time for her wrestle with what she did. He suggests the opposite of what most of the thoughts are here. Do contact the married mans wife and give her space. We went on a planned 4 night family vacation the week after d-day and she up and down with that look of hate and being really nice.

I read this somewhere and it makes so much sense::

if you feel like you need to sit on the fence on this and can't decide between your affair partner and me then I will make the decision for you. You can be with them because I'm no longer an option.

dont be plan B. you're plan A or not an option.

She admitted to it and and said that that her priority was us as a family.

This quote above in your first post contradicts what she is actually doing in actions and you and your counselor are discussing. Its because the above quote is her words and not actions. So in reality her priority is not you or the family it is herself.

My counselor says she is struggling with her decision and will take some time for her wrestle with what she did.

What is there to wrestle with, she had an affair.

[This message edited by sneaker at 11:10 AM, November 16th (Wednesday)]

I read this somewhere and it makes so much sense::

if you feel like you need to sit on the fence on this and can't decide between your affair partner and me then I will make the decision for you. You can be with them because I'm no longer an option.

dont be plan B. you're plan A or not an option.

This has also been called "The Rule of Fuck Yes."

well if you want to stay married and try and R the affair has to stop and stay dead, one of the best tools for this to happen is exposure.

at the absolute minimum the OM's wife needs to be told.

and probably HR because if R is going to work long term then one of them will have to leave the job.

you could add your parents and her parents, some close friends etc.

Goodguy80 - I want you to know that, unlike the conventional wisdom of some, good guys don't always finish last. I know it sucks right now but life will get better. Do you know how you want this chapter of your life to end, either in R or D? The decision of her affair was taken out of your hand but how you choose to deal with it is squarely in your hands. I know how easy it is to lose your individual identity in a marriage and how you might be questioning your self worth as a man. But you are so much more than a husband and a father. It can be the individuality of yourself which can you make you a better husband and father not how good a husband and father you are that can make you a better individual. I wish you the best in however you choose to handle this.

Has anyone done this and what was the outcome. I don't want a messy divorce.

My counselor says she is struggling with her decision and will take some time for her wrestle with what she did. He suggests the opposite of what most of the thoughts are here. Do contact the married mans wife and give her space. We went on a planned 4 night family vacation the week after d-day and she up and down with that look of hate and being really nice.

Counsellors are not gods. There are good and bad. If they have no experience in infidelity they can cause more harm than good. Beware of following them blindly.

Most women cannot love two men at once. She's vilifying you in order to justify her actions. There is no justification. The affair is 100% on her. You did nothing to cause this.

Cheaters lie hide and deceive. You cannot trust her at this time. If they have contact the affair will continue.

You'd better get strong quick.

STD tests right now, for both of you.

An affair is an addiction. Get the addict around the source you get relaps. Happens regularly here. If she proposes separation it will be to spend more time with her other man. Know this upfront.

Never ever leave the home.

My counselor says she is struggling with her decision and will take some time for her wrestle with what she did. He suggests the opposite of what most of the thoughts are here. Do contact the married mans wife and give her space. We went on a planned 4 night family vacation the week after d-day and she up and down with that look of hate and being really nice.

Why is she giving you looks of hate, what is that all about.

Your counselor is wrong. She is struggling with her decision, what decision, what is her decision.

She is deciding on whether to leave you or stay married, there should be no decision at all.

She thinks she is going to leave you for a married man, like he is going to leave his wife and kids, your wife is sadly mistaken.

I think you need to talk to a new counselor.

What is your counselors recommendations that are opposite from here. Give your wife space, that is crap.

Giving the WW space just allows them to continue the affair. If she needs space to decide between you and this other guy, than you have no marriage at this time.

You should talk to a lawyer also. There is a great men's rights law firm with the initials of C and C......the mods here wont let me give you their name, maybe someone else will.

But given the fact your wife is given you looks of hate, saying she loves this guy, etc, I think you need to talk to a lawyer.

Has anyone done this and what was the outcome. I don't want a messy divorce.

Read up on the articles here. How to handle an affair, etc.

Cheaters always follow the same script.