SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

lawman this is absolutely 100% predictable. I bet that a lot of us could have written a script before she did it that matched what happened last night.

When backed into a corner the re-writing of marital history is one of the 'go to' moves by cheaters. It's sad, really, that she is such a predictable creature.

Don't let her re-write your life. You KNOW what the last 17 years have been. Further if you were perfect for 17 years as a spouse you would be the first human on the planet who was that awesome for that long.

Cheaters need to concoct something to justify their behavior. They know its wrong but don't want to live with their moral failings so they create some sort of 'justification' in their own heads. That usually involves the re-writing of the your shared history. It is a total mindfuck to listen to your spouse spew that nonsense.

Please please please tell us all that you have at least consulted an attorney and are protecting your children and assets.

She'll be back at some point soon wanting both money and children.

Well, she left me last night.

I try really hard to not be judgmental here. I try not to bash wayward spouses because I believe that everyone has feelings and that infidelity is hard on everyone.

I have a one word response, though, to this quote: Good.

I'm shattered - her lies hurt worse than anything, though.

Yep. We all know that feeling. We're with you, brother.

Focus on taking care of yourself. Eat what you can (if you can't eat, get high calorie protein drinks or something). Take in fluids too. Avoid alcohol. Get exercise, even if it is simply a walk around the block. Get to a doctor, get tested for STDs. Get prescriptions for sleeping and/or depression, if needed.

Next, get yourself a lawyer, as others have suggested. Your WW seems mean and vindictive, so you can expect that she will fabricate stories to make you look bad.

Finally, I really recommend that you go completely NO CONTACT with her. You are too susceptible to her charms and she is too manipulative. I can easily envision that she would show up at your home wearing a slinky outfit, offering sex in exchange for something from you.

I would literally recommend that you record every conversation that you have with her going forward.

edited to add: Be ready for her to come crawling back, begging you to forgive her.

[This message edited by barcher144 at 9:52 AM, March 22nd (Wednesday)]

Lawman1, I am sorry you are hurting. She is using classic redirect of responsibility for her betrayal as well as rewriting the marital history. Don't let her ranting convince you that the cheating was your fault. She is no longer the woman you married and shared a life with. Please find a therapist experienced with infidelity to help you deal with the fallout. Please get your own legal and financial situation locked down and as previously suggested have a VAR on your person at all times to avoid potential DV accusations.

Although you don't see it now, she likely has done you a huge favor by leaving. I hope she stays gone for your sake (hello, claims of abandonment). Detach, detach, detach.

While your wife may be very physically sexy, she also sounds incredibly shallow and self-centered. The funny thing is, even the sexiest people lose some of their physical appeal with age and there is nothing she can do to stop the march of time. That's why physically attractive people, who are also intelligent, cultivate aspects of themselves other than sex appeal. So they remain attractive and appealing as they age even if their boobs droop a little (sorry ladies couldn't think of a gender neutral alternative) or their butt isn't as firm as it used to be. Acting as she has, I doubt your wife has the ability to do that and so her downhill slide starts sooner than later. Enjoy watching the train wreck from a distance.

Speaking of the OM's wife, I wonder if she would remember the night your W stayed out all night. If OM stayed out as well, that would just about cinch it.

I really appreciate this advice - I suffer from anxiety so my blood pressure is probably at stroke-level at this point. I don't drink alcohol at all, so that's good - nor will I begin drinking. And, yes - the protein shakes and high-calorie drinks are all I can take in right now so I don't throw up.

I discovered that she and HIM are STILL communicating via snapchat...she used MY email to create an account and so I found it and logged in and was absolutely shocked...but then again, I shouldn't have been shocked, should I? I feel so naive and stupid. I was played for a fool because I trusted the one I love. I'm picking up the pieces the best I can.

Hi Mr. AND Mrs. Lawman,

I’m addressing both of you because it seems you are both reading here…

First – maybe discovering this site was good. Mr. Lawman was in a state common to newly betrayed husbands, a state where he was afraid of taking the necessary action to end the infidelity.

Yep Mrs. L – end the infidelity. First, it sounds like you never admitted to the affair and tried your best to minimize it. While the truth isn’t in the clear infidelity is still active. With active infidelity then Mr. L’s options were limited to one: to get out of infidelity. By leaving him you have made his options even clearer. So great. The goal of SI isn’t divorce but rather to get our posters out of infidelity. Sometimes the paths of R or D are unclear. Now Mr. L has a clear path.

You could have told the truth, or – if you are telling the truth – offered ways to verify it. You didn’t and frankly I know why…

Mr. L – This is a GIFT.

She has made her preference and choices clear. You don’t have to wallow about wondering what next.

It’s a bit like waking up to your house on fire. A burning home isn’t what you want, it’s not what you need, but it’s definitely the task you need to deal with. You can worry about the final damage once the fire department has extinguished the flames but until that time YOU take action.

Since loverboy was fired you Mr. L are in a position of power for all D settlements. Supoena him and get him under oath in front of a judge… Is he willing to risk his legal license by lying in court? Subpoena HR records. You will have a very easy time to show a judge why you are divorcing. As has been pointed out this will impact possible alimony and support.

Mr. L – get the BEST attorney you can. Get him NOW. Like NOW. Not a colleague (since you will be subpoenaing your own employer plus there might be personal connections to OM).

Mrs. L – You want a chance to save your marriage? Start by telling Mr. L the truth. Offer to verify the truth with a poly.

Want out? Well… realize Mr. L can drag you and loverboy into a very public arena and your names and actions will become public record. You want out then make Mr. L a real generous offer – one he can’t refuse and then get out of his life.

Lawman1: Can I suggest that you hire Bigger as your personal consultant?

Lawman I am sorry this is happening to you. Continue to take care of yourself.

Your wife sounds like my ex, totally self centered and incapable of taking responsibility of their actions.

It's always someone else's fault,they are the victim, etc ,etc. What your wife is doing is classic blameshifting 101. None of her cheating is your fault . When my wife cheated she came back with, I was lonely, I wasn't there for her.... but she never once brought it up to my face. We all are imperfect spouses, but we aren't mind readers .

It sounds like she needs validation from other men i.e her comment about others wanting her, plus a great sense of entitlement . Those are never good things in a married woman.

[This message edited by 1survivor at 10:40 AM, March 22nd (Wednesday)]

If you recall, you were told to get in touch with his wife. That helps by Makita ng him work his ass off trying to save his family. By not doing that you have given her a reason to move out so you can't keep an eye on her. Whether you can stomach taking her back or not

CALL HIS WIFE!!!!!!!!!!!

Ugh! Lawman, I feel for you. I remember the inner feeling of fear and confusion when they go into their accusational rants of shouting and blaming. It's an awful feeling and you're left not quite sure what you're feeling fearful of. Fundamentally, I think it's shock and bewilderment.

You're dealing with a child mentality, like the one who throws its toys out of the stroller because it isn't getting its way! Nothing you can do to reason or rationalize with them in the adult form, though. All you can do is control yourself, by looking after yourself, and following some of the excellent advise you've been receiving here. Many of us have been where you are, have felt that gut wrenching feeling over a prolonged period, it's very tough, you just have to keep moving forward and the feelings will eventually take care of themselves. None of this is about you, it's just happening to you, so be kind to yourself, try to relax, breath deeply, and don't second guess yourself.

I will be calling or texting his wife today - she's probably reading this, so she's going to warn her new lover about this - but what do I care at this point? I feel like I'm in a nightmare from which I cannot wake. It's unbelievable.

Also, I forgot to mention a small detail - last night when we were arguing she was making fun of me for being "jealous" as though that's even problematic. Of course "jealousy" is not the same as having a broken heart, but you are absolutely correct - you cannot reason with a child. So self-absorbed - all about how much of a victim she is of everyone, most of all me over the past several years. I agree, I am fearful, but I don't know what I'm fearful of. The analogy of waking up in a burning house is directly on-point. I don't want it, I don't need it, but it's happening and I need to deal with it.

Do not text his wife. Call her. Do it now. You're right, she's reading, and will warn her boyfriend. By the time you speak to his wife, she will have bee told you're crazy,dangerous, abusive, and accusing all male acquaintances of having an affair with your wife. He will intercept any message you send. Call her. Tell her what you know. Offer a copy of any evidence you have.

It's really unfortunate that you didn't inform his wife immediately. Now that your wife knows what you're going to do,she and her boyfriend will do everything they can to discredit you. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't do the right thing now.

Call her. Now.

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:31 AM, March 22nd (Wednesday)]

Lawman , remember that conversation with her about jealousy. This is a person without empathy ,compassion and only cares about themselves. Also not much happening in the character department either. You deserve much better than that.

Lawman

As an attorney, you must have met dozens of clients – or faced dozens of clients – that have focused on non-issues or relatively minor issues when dealing with conflict.

Like if you were representing an unhappy car owner with a real lemon where the transmission broke four days after purchase, then focusing on the air-freshener card having been lavender instead of the expected rose isn’t likely to get you anywhere…

Right now, focusing on she said/he said… That’s lavender and rose while the transmission is the real issue.

I am an EXTREMELY pro-exposure person but NOW… RIGHT NOW… your priority is finding an attorney and getting the wheels in motion.

Great points. I am waiting for my paralegal to come in and tell me the number(s) she found for his wife and I'm calling her immediately. Also, last night she once again called me a "creep" for "snooping" her snapchat account (even though it was MY email she used), and argued that she never feels secure and she feels like she is "always being monitored..." You're absolutely right - blameshifting is HUGE with her. And, because I love her, I have historically taken the blame, crawling back to her when she kicks me out of the house, begging for mercy and for her to take me back, and she ALWAYS has taken me back during past arguments. To be sure, I have NOT been a perfect spouse - I have made many mistakes, but not necessarily any more or less than any other couple. I was led to believe that other couples are perfect, and that the husbands of our friends are perfect, that they don't go through the same crap we were going through, everything is my fault, I am the worst of the worst husbands, all others are better, etc. THAT has been our marriage, period. And, me being naive, I actually believed it. So, I cleared myself up - I fixed my demons and now those elements I brought into the marriage have been GONE for a while now. It was funny, because a few years ago, she told me that if not for...(MY DEMONS - which, forgive me, but I will not disclose here)...we would NEVER have an argument. Well, I took that to heart - I fixed myself, got entirely rid of the demons, and what now? EVERY argument we had this year was about the shit SHE is pulling - and instead of recognizing that I "fixed" myself, she constantly reminds me of the hell I put her through over the years so she has an excuse to treat me the way she is. As I mentioned, she told me that the "2 months" of her shit isn't even close to the "17 years" I put her through. Absolute crap - every wonderful tradition we have, every wonderful moment ALWAYS outshines the bad, and if I may say, come from ME. I'm at a loss. I'm in so much pain.

NOW… RIGHT NOW… your priority is finding an attorney and getting the wheels in motion

I agree...

She seems to be a particularly cruel; self absorbed & vindictive narcissist...which spells HIGH CONFLICT divorce. Add in that loverboy is also a lawyer and will likely be advising her. Go retain the very best D attorney you can find...TODAY.

...and as others have noted...all this rewriting of history, blameshifting, playing the victim, "miserable for years" etc. is LITERALLY right out of the cheater script. Absolutely nothing unique about it...although I think your WW is a bigger ego maniac and crueler than most. So, in that respect, I guess she is special

[This message edited by Sybo at 11:53 AM, March 22nd (Wednesday)]

And, because I love her

Let me suggest that you don't love her. You love the person that you think that she is. Her actual persona is not someone that you love.

I have historically taken the blame, crawling back to her when she kicks me out of the house, begging for mercy and for her to take me back, and she ALWAYS has taken me back during past arguments. To be sure, I have NOT been a perfect spouse - I have made many mistakes

We know that you aren't perfect. A phrase that I like is that you are 50% responsible for the bad marriage; she is 100% responsible for her affair.

I was led to believe that other couples are perfect, and that the husbands of our friends are perfect, that they don't go through the same crap we were going through, everything is my fault, I am the worst of the worst husbands, all others are better, etc. [a bunch of other similar text that I deleted]. I'm at a loss. I'm in so much pain.

Please get yourself to a therapist as soon as you can. Your entire world view is screwed up because of the verbal abuse that you have experienced. You need to talk this through an unbiased, third party so that you can re-establish a baseline.

Put me in the camp of an attorney NOW!

Likely your ex boss is giving her legal advice as to best screw you over. You will need advice as to how to best protect yourself.

VAR, now, heck, 24/7.

Strength

[This message edited by 5454real at 12:52 PM, March 22nd (Wednesday)]