SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Lawman, all I can say about your wife is wow! She is as far from remorseful as I've seen . She denies there was anything physical and when confronted with the evidence she says she doesn't owe you an explanation? That's because she knows there is no way she can explain it away.

If she was so concerned about his family why did she decide to screw a married man? Her and the OM dropped a bomb in the middle of both your families when they decided to cheat . They caused this mess , not you.

It appears you have your head on straight and are beginning to see things clearly. Keep posting and you are getting good advice here. I agree about wearing a var when you talked to your wife, but don't let her know you have one.

Good luck and prayers and strength coming your way.

I think you should file for divorce even if you know in the back of your head you won't go through with it. She doesn't even think she owes you an explanation. With that lack of compassion, your very real pain over this is just going to become a nuisance to her. Don't do that to yourself. It might open her eyes if you file.

So sorry you are here. Please do not accept what she is asking you to accept. She will do it again and again.

I am so glad you got boss fired!! You are absolutely capable of standing up for yourself, you are just still in pain.

[This message edited by annanew at 11:55 AM, March 18th (Saturday)]

lawman1,

URGENT! If you still have to broken pieces of your recorder, the recordings may be recoverable!

If the recorder was tape based, even if the tape was mangled, techies can fix it and recover at least some of the recording. These techies can be found at TV and radio stations and places that do sound recordings and tape to digital conversions. Check with whoever does investigations for your law firm.

If the recorder was fully digital, and stored the recording on a chip, similar to the one in a flash drive or camera memory card, there are another set of techies that can recover the data. Again, check with your law firm's investigator.

There are companies that specialize in this kind of data recovery. You can Google "data recovery services".

And take OrdinaryDude's advice about an attorney. If we attorneys were doctors, we wouldn't do surgery on ourselves. I don't specialize in family law (I do criminal and death penalty appeals), so I wanted an attorney who was the best in family/divorce law and engaged HER. She was happy to take the case as I'd done all the pre-work with PI and investigations and had all the financials together. She told my XH, "Okay, we can do this the easy way or the HARD way and you should know I love doing it the hard way!" He signed off on everything. We own two houses and he was homeless, that's how good she was. He had to go out and buy himself another place to live. Because he did his cheating on his company's dime, he didn't want that exposed. It seems your ace in the hole is your W doesn't want her affair partner hurt anymore, POOR POOR guy. So use that. HR must have been convinced of his guilt or he would still have his job.

If she gets a wake up call and starts to show sincere remorse, you can work with that and stall the D until you are sure she's sincere and ready to work on a REAL R. She's not sounding that way right now. Good luck!

Just to build on Poniegirl's advice, I'm just a dopey corporate lawyer so I too retained a real (divorce) lawyer to file. That's the way to go assuming you go down that route. But as a corporate lawyer who does deals I wasn't afraid to get very involved in the drafting and negotiations. I'll just brag again here since we're anonymous and say that I'm a really good contracts drafter and strategist and negotiator and so while I needed the divorce lawyer to know the proper steps, what to file, how to file, etc. I really co-led the case. I really don't think I would have gotten the same result if I had stayed on the sidelines.

You seem like a logical guy who can stay objective and not let emotions drive things so I wanted to share my experience here. It's also good to have some control in a situation not of your making where you otherwise don't have a whole lotta control.

I hope that helps.

Lawman1

I guess I don’t need to point this out, what with you being an attorney but in Utah (where your profile states you are located) infidelity can heavily impact alimony. What with OM being fired then I guess proving infidelity would be relatively easy…

I guess that you KNOW that attorneys try to avoid court. You prefer to negotiate and get a conclusion before having to spend precious time in front of a third party that can decide the outcome. When negotiating, you know that it’s always better to be in a position of power… Well… right NOW you are in a position of power. Due to the infidelity, you could get out of this marriage with “relatively” minimal financial impact.

Stick to your guns. The ONLY WAY you can save your marriage is through the truth. While she refuses, and isn’t willing to do the work… then your marriage is as dead as they come. Stick to your guns, press the issue and find a solution. This problem won’t go away it must be dealt with.

How do you know they are not still having an affair? Continuing an affair after being caught is at least as common as stopping it if not more so..?

It turns out your wife is a ten but only on the outside. Why do you think she is still staying with you and not running off with your boss? Did you talk to his wife about everything you know?

I also agree with the other poster tha that said get another recorder, more than one. Car and home. That's not creepy in the slightest, just street smart. You need to know what she is saying now and what her plans are to protect your children too.

You should have told your wife that you are not as much a creep as she is a whore.

The advice and information thus far received has been invaluable. Thank you. Please continue! As for me, I must say that I do not know whether or not they are still having an affair. After hearing what I heard on the recorder - "I love you so much, baby" and "You can trust me -I would rather kill myself than embarrass you..." and of course the graphic details of what they "did" do, I can't imagine that just stopping cold-turkey. My heart is still so hurt and I'm having trouble even eating. It feels so good to finally talk (or write) about this - I cannot keep my feelings inside. My wife still denies anything physical happened, but I'm not stupid. I'm a very good attorney, if I may say so. Again, thank you all and honestly, you have helped me to open my eyes and realize exactly what is going on - I tend to trust those I love - not a far-fetched idea, is it? So even though I'm an attorney, I even believed my wife that nothing physical happened until I started reading that I'm not alone. My wife had D-O-E and that means they "did it." D - Desire, O - Opportunity, E- Excuse, and so there is no way any person can overcome those. That's what I have figured out.

As one lawyer to another, remember the old adage that a lawyer who is his own client has a fool for a client.

Lawman , it sounds like you are doing as good as to be expected. You have your head on straight . I remember right after dday I couldn't eat either. It seemed like I was on the verge of vomiting much of the time.

We all want to believe those whom we love would never lie to us. The lies my wife told me when i discovered her affair were mind boggling. As if she thought I was that gullible. But that is the only card she had left to play. Even when I confronted her with her own words she denied it went physical. It's just typical cheater behavior . So predictable and not even very good.

Continue to take care of yourself the best you can and continue posting. You are getting good advice.

Whew -- your wife is kind of a creep. Sorry. No remorse -- lies. . .I am sorry. You are not getting the whole truth, and she sounds like a piece of work. "My husband loves me too much to divorce me?" Please. What grown woman says that?

She does not have your best interests at heart. Normally I am very pro-R, but I'd run for the hills.

Sharon Stone in Casino

I tend to trust those I love - not a far-fetched idea, is it?

It's not far fetched at all. In fact, cheaters bank on that trust and exploit it. It is, quite honestly, the worst betrayal of all when the natural trust you should be able to have is so thoroughly abused and taken advantage of. It's almost a herculean effort not to blame yourself for being trusting. It isn't your fault you trusted her, by the way. It's her fault she abused your trust. We really should be able to trust who claim to love us.

My heart is still so hurt and I'm having trouble even eating.

I didn't notice that anyone mentioned this to you so here's a little advice. The physical way(s) in which you're being affected are very common for a BS.

Because you are in a very pivotal and important moment in your life, and because the road ahead will require you to work tirelessly for yourself and your children, it's extremely important that you are at your very best. This means that you must take conscious initiative to do the following:

-- drink enough water

-- eat enough food

-- avoid alcohol and *never* drink to excess

-- exercise. Even just a walk now and again.

-- talk to your doc about stress management stuff. Maybe even medication.

-- get enough sleep. Again, if necessary, talk to your doc about a sleep aid.

These are the basics, but so easy to neglect in your position. Remember, you and your children will be much better off if dad stays healthy.

[This message edited by Okokok at 12:46 PM, March 20th (Monday)]

Given what you heard how much does the question if it got physical gave to do with your receptivity towards possible reconciliation ?

I didn't notice that anyone mentioned this to you so here's a little advice. The physical way(s) in which you're being affected are very common for a BS.

Because you are in a very pivotal and important moment in your life, and because the road ahead will require you to work tirelessly for yourself and your children, it's extremely important that you are at your very best. This means that you must take conscious initiative to do the following:

-- drink enough water

-- eat enough food

-- avoid alcohol and *never* drink to excess

-- exercise. Even just a walk now and again.

-- talk to your doc about stress management stuff. Maybe even medication.

-- get enough sleep. Again, if necessary, talk to your doc about a sleep aid.

These are the basics, but so easy to neglect in your position. Remember, you and your children will be much better off if dad stays healthy

.

I noticed the same problem and I was about to comment. I am quoting for EMPHASIS and to add my own two cents.

The first and most important advice for someone in your position is to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

I cannot over-emphasize the need for you to see a therapist. Discovering infidelity is HORRIBLE TRAUMA (PTSD is common... so common that it's called post infidelity stress disorder, PISD) and you almost certainly need help. You have mentioned that you feel alone and isolated, also common. A therapist will definitely help with this.

Absolutely, positively, go see a doctor immediately. You need to get tested for STDs... you may need psychiatric medication... you may need a sleep aid. You may need all of the above.

You will be tempted to go for marriage counseling. Marriage counseling is not helpful unless your wife wants to reconcile, so don't bother unless you are convinced that she wants to reconcile.

Do NOT play the "pick me" game. Most people recommend that you do the "180" (looking it up in the Healing Library). I didn't do that because it's not my personality to do that.... but it's a good strategy.

I don't recommend that you give ultimatums... with one exception. Tell her that she has to go completely NO CONTACT with her affair partner immediately if she wants a chance at reconciliation. The first and most critical step to surviving infidelity is to stop the infidelity.

If she agrees to any attempt at reconciliation, then she will also need to tell you the full truth. It's really common for wayward spouses to 'trickle truth'. My wife did that to me and now she laments that I don't trust her (and I think that there is still more to uncover). As a minimum, that's her fault for trickle truthing.

Good luck.

i just dont see your ww giving you any options to move forward together.

shes telling you that you are a creep, shes sticking to her no sex lie, she very clearly laid out that she expects nor accepts any consequences, she chooses om over you AGAIN asking you to lie to protect him, refuses to discuss it all, isnt remorseful, and wants you to rug sweep it all.

what can you build out of that sh!t?

A couple of things for you to think about.

First off, your initial post doesn't indicate when your dday was - so we really don't know how long you've been dealing with this on your own.

The reason this is important is pretty obvious - cheating spouses go through a few phases when they are caught. Most commonly they blame-shift (they lay all the blame at your feet) and they minimize (oh, we ONLY kissed). What the cumulative learning of this community tells us is that most every cheater does this. As a result, trusting someone who has been cheating on you to suddenly begin telling you the truth is a foolish path to follow.

However, SOME cheating spouses actually do... eventually... have a come-to-Jesus moment and begin to recognize what they've done. Some even begin the process of reconciliation by taking responsibility for their actions. Some marriages who have experienced horrible cases of infidelity fight through it and survive. Many don't. But it CAN happen.

I tell you this because your wife has not yet reached a stage that is amenable to reconciliation. She is still acting in infidelity. As such, you need to take steps to move yourself OUT of infidelity. That means laying down the rules for reconciliation and simply telling her that, until she meets those requirements, you are moving yourself out of the marriage. Maybe she can learn quickly, maybe she can't. But either way it moves you in a positive direction.

In the early days after discovery we'd all like to see our spouses turn on a dime and shout out, "What the hell was I doing?" But that's not something that happens in most instances. Instead we get all the lying and protecting of themselves. Until they see real, concrete consequences for their actions they will do everything possible to protect themselves.

You CAN reconcile - but only if both of you are 100% in. She is not. At least, not yet. So take the steps necessary to dissolve the marriage and, if she chooses to join you, then maybe you put the divorce on hold.

I will tell you this, however. If you DON'T take steps to protect yourself you will NEVER forgive yourself. No matter what happens in the future you will always hate yourself for not putting YOU first.

Good luck.

[This message edited by LifeisCrazy at 5:01 PM, March 20th (Monday)]

I found out in late february - the day I was traveling on a business trip WITH my boss. It was all I could do those 3 days to not reach over to him and kick his ass. But, I held my own and after I arrived home I confronted my wife. So, It's been nearly 1 month since I found out. I do think she is still communicating with him, but I'm not sure. The lies are killing me though - the heart knows what it knows, and what I heard on the recorder plays over and over again in my mind and nothing she says comes even close to explaining what I heard - "fantasies" start with "will, want would..." not "Hey when we were....I loved how you..." In other words, fantasies are never discussed "past tense." She lies to me like I'm a fool - naive, and gullible. I just want the truth although I doubt I will ever get it from her. I am preparing the next steps - with a calm heart and mind. I am seeing a therapist and getting medication so I really appreciate y'all's concern about my health. It is concerning me too, and I'm struggling at work with my new boss, who is great, but I'm not 100% there. I will pull through. I will succeed. Thank you all for your support.