SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She lies to me like I'm a fool - naive, and gullible.

I know that this is awful for you. Most of us, if not ALL of us, have been there.

The crazy thing, which you will discover if you hang out here, is that most wayward spouses follow a very similar pattern.

The lies are also very similar.

I've always liked Bigger's tactics - because they're simple and move you steadily in a direction. Many of us who have been here a long time recognize the pattern in certain cheaters' behavior and what your wife is doing is classic.

That being said, however, it doesn't mean that you have to put up with it. You only accept what you want to accept. As we often say around here, the roller coaster stops when you want it to stop.

Look - the truth is that there are a lot of ways to learn what happened. Drive her to a local polygraph location, park, and let her know that you've made an appointment and that you expect her to take it. I guarantee that you'll have answers by the time your hand reaches for the door handle (most here, btw, would tell you to have her take a polygraph anyway - but that's for another time). Or, simply sit her down and let her know that you know. Don't tell her what, or how. Just tell her you want the truth or you're filing.

The truth is, if she's ready to end the marriage rather than tell you what you need then the marriage really is over anyway. Right?

Which brings me to my last point. You really need to begin protecting yourself. If you're paying for her phone bill, or making her car payment, stop. You're enabling her to cheat on you. Use the 180 to your advantage - not to change her or to make her angry - but to simply break free of her grasp and gain your independence. As noted several times, see an attorney and protect yourself financially. End joint credit card accounts. Kick her out of the marital bedroom.

There are a lot of ways to begin moving out of infidelity that don't require actual divorce (although being served with divorce papers is often a great way to see serious consequences). BTW, I'm not sure if I read this or not, but have you informed the guy's wife? Have you told your in-laws? Family? It may be time for her to see her affair out in the light of day - they usually don't like that very much.

Move yourself forward toward a better place. Your wife may be so consumed with what happened that she can't get her shit together. Or... your moving out of infidelity may make her realize that she's making a very big, life-altering mistake. Remember, the very worst place to be is NOT in losing your marriage - it's remaining married to someone who is still actively cheating on you (regardless of whether or not she's still sleeping with him). Don't stay in limbo.

[This message edited by LifeisCrazy at 5:15 PM, March 20th (Monday)]

The lies are killing me though

She lies, to your face, knowing that you know the truth. Why would someone do that? Gullible and naive - that is her opinion of you, I must agree.

Worse, though - this shows complete absence of love. She doesn't love you, I think that is pretty obvious. Her actions and her words are in agreement. Also, she doesn't respect you. Which is not to mean that you deserve it - it's about her, not you. But anyone can not love you and anyone can disrespect you, and when you have acted in such a way to earn respect, and be loving, then, what else can you do? Why stay with such a person?

Going back to she doesn't love or respect you, her actions and her words - which brings up a fairly large question: Why does she want to stay married? Does she need your money? Reputation? If she doesn't love you but still wants to stay married, there must be a reason. What do you think it is?

lawman1

I'm so, so sorry. Cheaters say the same things and lie like there is no tomorrow. I know what it is like to be lied to by my WH. I was dumb, because I had little kids and didn't want to see the truth, I think. He lied to me and said it wasn't a PA, he went to one MC session and refused to go to more. He lied there, too. The counselor saw through him and that is probably why he wouldn't go.

We R'd. I'm telling you this because it didn't last. 12 years later, here I am again, with my WH having had a second PA. Broken hearted and sick, once again.

If I would have had SI back then, I wouldn't have R'd without the truth and IC for him, and then MC. I was in IC, but what good did it do for R if he was lying? Now, he is in IC and we will start MC when we are ready for that. I have a bit of hope but I know cheaters are liars so we will see.

I'm glad you are taking care of yourself. This is not your fault in any way, no matter what she says. It's the toughest thing your will ever go through but you will be ok. Stay strong. Never think you are a fool. You are smarter than she thinks and she will be very sorry for the way she is treating you when she finds out she is wrong and you will leave her.

Sorry, been there done that, TWICE! I can tell you what doesn't work? Acting like a shell of a man. That's not intended to be mean. It's intended to wake you up. You have to lay down the law and not in a mean way. It has to be calm and in control and you have to follow through. If you beg and cry and you keep prodding about the affair, your marriage is toast. Trust me. I have been through it.

You tell her very calmly that you still love her and you want to seek professional help and really try to save your marriage and family but that you cant do it alone.

If she wants to leave then she can leave. You will NEVER convince her to work on your marriage. She has to want to do that or it will never work. So you ask for a complete and total end to the affair, transparency, counseling and 100% commitment with professional help to try and make your marriage work or she can leave or even better you file for divorce. Do not demand she answer that right away. Tell her to think about it. Then you work on you.

Don't me mean to her, still be nice but make it clear you are not in any way preoccupied with her and you are taking care of you. When she leaves the house DO NOT TRY AND CONTACT HER. DO not keep asking about the affair or bringing up how much she hurt you, right now she doesn't care about your feelings. She has something new and to her it feels real even though we all know it is just a fantasy that will end up in the destruction of lives. It is the only thing that will work. It will be tough but it is the only way. It may not work but it will never work if you don't do it. WAKE UP...before its too late.

Do you know why she says you violated her privacy? Because she got caught! They all say that, lmao. Im, sorry but they do. She violated you. Don't let her mind f*** you. She is going to try and if you let her and you don't stand up for yourself in a respectful way....it's over and you are going to go down the tubes with feelings of guilt and depression. She chose to cheat. She is the ONLY guilty one. 100%. Do not let her take your self esteem! Do not let her take your manhood. If you want to save it, wake up. If not, file for divorce. This is the only way.

[This message edited by bw1335335 at 10:25 PM, March 20th (Monday)]

Have you downloaded a copy of "No More Mister Nice Guy!" yet? If not, please do so and read it. It will do you so much good.

Some things to think about.

Ask yourself is what she claims possible? Sure, it is. Is it probable? No! Most unlikely.

She's not remorseful, nor truthful, so no matter what happens in the future, your children already reside in a broken home.

You want to love her and remain married to her, for now. But give it time. Even under the best of reconciliation circumstances, it.will.never.be.the.same.for.you! That alone will haunt you and eat your heart hollow. I'm afraid, in time, considering the dynamics between you two and regardless whether you remain married, you will no longer be in love with her and that will be your biggest heartbreak.

Most likely your love for her will wane. Embrace that as if it is fact and see if you can remain married under those circumstances.

As to her "hotness" and flirty personality? I predict in time you will find it a disgusting indicator of her desperate attempts to receive ego kibbles.

I must admit, I have been blinded by love, and yes, the fact that she is incredibly hot is also a "blinder" to me. Whoever said that she was like Sharon Stone on Casino just made me laugh - I needed that - I haven't laughed in a while. I also thought that as Casino is one of my favorite movies.

As I mentioned, though, she still denies any physical sexual interaction with him, but I heard what I heard - she said she loves the sound he makes when he cums, she loves how he uses his muscles on her, etc, etc, and all of that is just a "FANTASY?" BS, I know. I feel so stupid. But, I am standing up. I will keep you all updated.

Thanks for the update lawman. It is amazing how stupid our wayward spouses must think we are at discovery. But the reality is they are the ones lacking in sense.

I would carry a var on you when you are home just to protect yourself. Like the OP said why does she stay? It's the cake eater in her most likely . They like the stability and money we provide while they can have their fun without any recourse.

file the divorce papers, lawman. Seriously, file the papers for an at-fault divorce.

Another interesting fact - as I mentioned initially, yes, my boss was fired - and you're right - if "nothing" happened, then why would he be? They interviewed him and they found cause - so yes, you're right. Also, something else that is tough to even discuss - after I confronted my wife and she denied everything, she literally BEGGED me to lie to HR for him. She said crying, "I beg you to please tell them you were mistaken and that you weren't sure it was HIS voice....what about HIS family?

Lawman, sorry to bring this up, I know it is terribly painfull.

WOW, SMH!!! That is probably one of the most vile things I've seen here. There are some things that just can't be overcome, this would probably be added to the top of the list.

Sorry, not much advice, none you want to hear anyway. Your WW's actions/comment are so horrible it brought me out of hibernation.

Duplicate post. My apologies!

[This message edited by DeWittle at 3:39 AM, March 22nd (Wednesday)]

Duplicate post.

[This message edited by DeWittle at 12:31 AM, March 22nd (Wednesday)]

She will have to come to you. Her behaviour is up to her. Don't let her rip you down and betray who you are. It's your life so it's up to you.

Lawman, get a damn lawyer already. All the lawyers in the thread are telling you to do it. You yourself would give the same advice if a friend told you his wife was cheating on him. You already know who the good family lawyers are in your city. SO JUST DO IT. PICK UP THE PHONE.

Also, let OM's wife know. That will put a stop to the affair.

She's probably lying and you're not going to believe her even if she isn't.

You need the truth. A complete written timeline of every single interaction with him that she can recall. Then polygraph her on it.

My concern with that is that my guy tells me that even if she did you're one who will ultimately let the emotional love they had be the big thing anyways. Oftentimes we see betrayeds like yourself looking for physical evidence as a way to rationalize the actions that they deep down know needs to be taken next anyhow

Tell her you want her to take a poly.

Assuming she says she doesn't want a divorce of course. Tell her to search the internet for the way cheaters act and lie.

Tell her that cheaters all act like they are using the same playbook right out of the devils library. Then tell her good luck with that.

Have you talked to his wife? Talk to her, he probably told her he quit. You will quickly know if they are still in contact because he will let her know and she will hit the ceiling.

Well, she left me last night. We got into a heated argument when she FOUND THIS FORUM. The first thing she did was tell me how horrible of a husband I have been over the past 17 years, that I f'd up so many times and that she ONLY f'd up for 2 months, and she still held fast to her denial that she ever had sex with him. Deny, lie, deny, deny, all the way out the door with her suitcase in hand. It was a horrible disaster of an encounter and I am literally sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do. I'm sitting here in my office at work with the door shut, bringing everything but my A-game. She just kept yelling about how horrible I am, how I f'd up - she brought up little specifics from 17 years ago that didn't even happen the way she "remembers" it. She is a typical narcissist - she passes blame, minimizes her own wrongs, justifies her own behavior, belittles me, she told me how sexy she is and how every man wants her, she yelled about how much of a victim she is, how horrible of a man and husband I am...just a disaster. I'm shattered - her lies hurt worse than anything, though.

Unremorseful,lying wayward spouses hate SI.

How did she find you here?

Have you called the other man's wife yet,and told her about the affair? You need to do it right now.

shes hoping you rugsweep as a condition for her to come back. imo this is her raising the ante to get you to back down and accept it.