SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't have the experience of a lot of folks here - I'm pretty new, but I wanted to pipe in because I'm also a lawyer and my ex-WW likewise pulled all of this gas lighting on me too. I also fell for it hook, line and sinker. Not to brag (heck we're all anonymous here anyway so what's the point?!) but I graduated top of my class at an Ivy Law School but man the desire to believe just trounces our brains doesn't it? I just want to let you know you're in good company that's all.

You'll get great advice here. Love what Jeaniegirl did above. Another lawyer who wins in the end. Like me. And like you soon will as well.

Good luck colleague. You'll be ok!

Im with Tearsoflove, I am reconciling with my wife and would not be reconciling if she had not been remorseful . I also would not recommend R to everyone. A remorseful spouse is only the minimum requirement for R. Lawman unfortunately at this time your wife is not a candidate for R. I can speak from experience that it requires such hard work from both sides, but especially from the WS. She definately knows what she was doing as far as the betrayal and covering her tracks.They even rehearsed how to lie to you if questioned.

You think you are married to a 10 but I think that may not be the case. She has a serious gap in her character and has been playing you . The thought that she doesnt think you will divorce her because you love her too much speaks volumes. Total disrespect thrown your way.

I read that you turned him into HR and he got fired. That was a great move. It brings real consequences into the picture.

One thing I will caution you with is your wife is not to be believed. Of course she said nothing sexual happened. That was the plan if they got caught. They all say that. Its the biggest lie they tell when they are caught .But you know what you know and you heard what you heard. My wife said the same thing and when I printed out her chats on FB with the OM and read them out loud she still tried to deny it .I asked her if she thought I was stupid . Then it was they fondled but no penetration. Yeah right. It will blow your mind the depth of the lies. Just trust your gut and verify every word that comes out of her mouth.

We have all made mistakes early on , but we have the ability to change the course and walk out of infidelity . Thats what this site is about. You can walk out of infidelity . It might be with your wife or without , but you dont have to destine yourself to a life with someone who you cant trust. There is plenty of support here as well. We have all been there.

Sending you strength.

Gotta ask the obvious. If nothing happened sexually, why was he fired?

Have you read the BS FAQ's in the healing library? I highly recommend #11. Also, read Joseph's letter in the articles. I think you will find both extremely useful.

Strength brother.

Thank you so much for your great support. I really thought I was so alone. Another interesting fact - as I mentioned initially, yes, my boss was fired - and you're right - if "nothing" happened, then why would he be? They interviewed him and they found cause - so yes, you're right. Also, something else that is tough to even discuss - after I confronted my wife and she denied everything, she literally BEGGED me to lie to HR for him. She said crying, "I beg you to please tell them you were mistaken and that you weren't sure it was HIS voice....what about HIS family? What about HIS children?" Of course I was livid because what about MY family? What about MY (OUR) children? I could tell that HE meant more to her than I did. Gosh, what the hell am I doing? Am I fooling myself that "all is well" now? Love does some weird things. I took "the red pill" (from the Matrix) and learned the hard and bitter truth, rather than taking the "blue pill" and living in blissful ignorance. She still denies any physical interaction, but yes, the heart knows what it knows. I have two beautiful children and I don't want to have them within a broken family. But, as you have all counseled, I need to stand up for myself and my little children. I will make the right decisions.

Lawman,

I feel for you. I've been there myself as well. The shit sandwich you've been served... well it sucks.

Anyway, when you get the chance Google DARVO theory. It is a method used by sexual predators to turn their acts back onto the victim. It applies to infidelity as well since wayward spouses typically attempt to turn their actions back onto the betrayed spouse. You may learn means to recognize it while it's happening, and techniques to stop it in its track.

I think you're finally seeing the light. Can you subpoena the interview records from your firm for your former boss as proof in filing a divorce based on adultery? If I'm not mistaking, it's taken very seriously in Utah. Also, isn't Utah a one-party consent state? Why not put another VAR in your pocket and record your conversations with your wife? Maybe she'll let a nugget or two drop. Also, since your wife seems to care about your ex-boss so much, why don't you file an at-fault divorce, and see if she is willing to give up more information when you tell her that her name, as well as the ex-boss' name, is going into the public record? All the while, have the VAR in your pocket, and see if she drops some more nuggets. If you're leaning toward divorce, pull out your fishing pole and see what bites you get. You might catch something.

Sorry, Lawman. They almost always deny physical contact and even those who admit it tend to downplay it. I've been here way too long and I'd bet it's about a 100th of a percent who are honest from the get go.

My husband did admit the truth both times but only after lying his ass off at first. The first time, he told me he had feelings but never acted on them. The second time, he (and she) told me they "kissed once but it was awkward." Both times, they had sex whenever and wherever there was opportunity.

So, if they talked about sex, thought about sex, and had opportunity to have sex, I would definitely not take any bets against them actually having sex. Further, if you are anything like me, your logical brain will not allow you to process the illogical. You know in your heart what she's telling you doesn't make sense given the facts. Sure, your heart wants to believe her but your head is not going to allow it because it's not logical. Once you get the truth, you won't believe the relief that comes with having logic align with facts. I didn't sleep well until it all made sense based on the facts.

My gosh you are so right, Tearsoflove - unbelievably right. Yes, my heart WANTS to believe her that there was no physical sex, but I'm a very logical thinker and when I ask her to explain the discrepancies with what I heard on the recorder to what she is now telling me, she says, "I owe you NO explanation!" I told her, "I'm a goddamn attorney. I put pieces of evidence together for a f**** living. I KNOW what happened." Of course, that didn't go over too well with her and she hated me for it. But you're right, when what I know in my heart matches what I heard in my brain from her and from the recorder, then I will have some peace. I'm really carefully planning my next moves with much prayer and thought - and y'all's help. Thank you!

I'm sorry to be the one to say this, but you really should DNA the children to confirm that they are in fact 100% yours. The fact that she believes that she can do ANYTHING and you wouldn't divorce her speaks volumes about the type of person she is. She is not to be trusted and is capable of doing anything. I know you're hurting but you need to put on your lawyer face and take action. The amount of disrespect she has shown you pisses me off and I don't even know you. Please take the advice you are being given.

[This message edited by JpnHeartBreak at 4:54 PM, March 17th (Friday)]

I don't know if it's been mentioned yet,but please get tested for stds. Her too. And don't have sex with her until you've seen her results from the doctor.

She's treating you horribly. Because she thinks she can. You won't divorce her..or give her any consequences..as you heard her say. The very best thing you can do,if you want to save your marriage,is file for divorce. You need to shake her up. Many WS wake up when they realize they're about to lose everything. Your WS is going to need to believe you're walking away. Give her your list of requirements. When she balks,hand her divorce papers. But,you also need to be prepared to follow through if she doesn't snap out of it.

Your list of requirements should,at minimum be...

Full transparency. You get full access to everything..email..cell..Facebook..etc. Passwords included.

She answers all of your questions,without blame or anger.

She owns her shit. She takes full responsibility for her actions.

Std testing.

NC with the om. And she goes NC with any friends who knew about the affair and didn't tell you.

She goes to IC to figure out why she did this.

She takes..And passes..a polygraph.

And anything else you need to feel safe.

Do not share this site with her. This is your safe place.

Keep a VAR on you at all times. Wayward wives like to falsely accuse their betrayed husbands of DV when they realize they're losing control over him.

Look, you're an attorney...and smart attorneys never represent themselves, SO GET A DIVORCE LAWYER NOW!!!

Lawman

I know this is such a shock to you. This is your path, but if things escalate or you do file for divorce to wake her up, keep a digital recorder on u at all times. I have a friend that just went through something very similar to your situation and he also thought his wife really wants a divorce. He was right, but she also wanted everything else as well and filed a false DV charge. A recorder will be the only thing that will prevent that but his make sure its on you at all times and don't let her know about it.

Filing a divorce (and throwing papers on her lap) does not mean you're actually going to Divorce. Means you mean business.

You're wife is still in a deep fog and has you wrapped around her finger.

You have to tell her "My way or the highway". Who cares if she gets angry. But record all the time.

And oh yeah, you know what's worst than kids coming from a broken home? Kids IN a broken home. If you don't resolve this, you're kids will not respect you. They're smarter than you think.

He was right, but she also wanted everything else as well and filed a false DV charge. A recorder will be the only thing that will prevent that but his make sure its on you at all times and don't let her know about it

.

^^^This. Be extremely careful. There are several members here whose WW filed bogus DV charges. She is angry, and she may lose control bc she will understand you are in control. Be vigilant.

She said crying, "I beg you to please tell them you were mistaken and that you weren't sure it was HIS voice....what about HIS family? What about HIS children?"

Her first thoughts are of him, protecting him. Not you, not your kids. That tells you all you really need to know. It seems pretty clear this A was more than just sex. Sounds like she was really in love with the guy.

"I owe you NO explanation!"

Wow. What a peach. She screws your boss/best friend and then acts self righteous about it. Not exactly what you call a keeper.

Listen to your logical side. File. Serve. Find someone more worthy of you. Lots of good women out there. Let her peddle her crazy somewhere else.

"I owe you NO explanation!"

Um, actually she does. That comes with being married.

If I stay out until 1am instead of coming home right after work, I owe my wife an explanation, because we're married.

If she's on vacation with her friends and doesn't call me until 2 hours after she said she would, she owes me an explanation, because we're married.

If one of us takes $500 in cash out of an ATM and doesn't mention it to the other one, we owe that person an explanation, because we're married.

Her comment makes sense if and only if she is not mentally considering the two of you to be married to each other. Because yes, if she were single, she wouldn't owe you any explanations.

I'm really sorry, but it's completely apparent that she has moved on from this marriage. Maybe that will change in the future, but that's where she's at right now. Serving her with divorce papers is far and away the most likely way of getting her to reconsider, but you should only do that if you are prepared to follow through with the divorce-- using it as a "shock and awe" tactic without being willing to lose the marriage is a terrible idea.

I'm not trying to blow smoke up uoir ass, lawman, but you have your head on straight.

You're doing a great job. I really respect how you've approached this with the right perspective

she says, "I owe you NO explanation!"

Yes she does. She is your wife for crying outloud. She made that commitment when she agreed to marry you. She doesn't owe you an explanation about why she bought apple juice. She does owe you an explanation about things that impact the foundation of your marriage. The fact that she would say that is blame shifting.

Polygraph now! If she passes you can apologize profusely. But if she can't understand why it's necessary then she's dumber than you give her credit for.

You said you don't want to have your 2 beautiful children in a broken family. I'm assuming you mean you want to stay married to your WW for the children. Your family is broken, your WW blew it up. If she was remorseful and respected you and was doing all she could to repair the damage she caused then yes go for R for the children. However from what you have said she is not remorseful and wants a divorce. This is not a healthy environment to raise children, that too is a broken home.

I just meant that I didn't think that telling me what I SHOULD HAVE done but didn't is very productive or helpful,

Sorry man, you can't tailor the type of advice you want. Filter it out yes but not tailor it.

Lawman1 I'm so very sorry you're having to deal with this, we all are.

Never mind your Ws appearance, beauty will only get you so far, give me honesty and integrity any day, the rest is window dressing.

Friend, she's giving you nothing to work with, there's not even a shred of remorse there, but justification, lies, and disrespect.

Please don't allow her to continue speaking to you like this, especially if your kids are around, shut her down and walk away. A very common comment here is that it ends when you say it does, meaning draw your line in the sand and stand firm.

The amount of disrespect she's voicing and showing is truly shocking.

She might be a 10 in your eyes, of course, you love her, but she's nothing special around here, just another WS lying, gas lighting, deceiving, denying and blame-shifting her way through the mess she alone has caused.

Despite her protestations, there's nothing that you did or didn't do that justifies infidelity. This is 100% on her, there's many things she could have done if there were problems in the relationship. Being unfaithful is the worst thing she could have possibly done.

The reason your gut is screaming is because you know she's lying, you can guarantee that if there was time and opportunity, they have been physical, why wouldn't they? All those feel-good hormones floating around the secrecy, the hiding, the deception, the planning, it's a heady brew, of course they did.

Even putting the infidelity aside for a moment, the level of cruelty and disrespect she's showing you must surely make you realize that this is not a healthy relationship and probably beyond repair IMHO, you cannot un hear what she's said or un know what she's done.

The basic requirements of a healthy relationship are trust, truth and honesty, she's not honoring her part of the contract.

Please shut this nonsense she's throwing your way down, be very careful, you don't know who she's taking advice from, keep a var with you at all times, limit the amount of time you're alone with her. Stick to the 180, kids and finances only, don't engage with her crazy making rants.

Get yourself a top D lawyer and start protecting yourself and your kids because she certainly does not have your best interests at heart. Even though you're an attorney, you're probably suffering far too much right now to be able to think this through clearly, find a no nonsense professional who can.

Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself and protect yourself from further harm, we're all thinking of you.