SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Any link to the dostl thread?

[This message edited by MissingHer2 at 8:16 AM, September 12th (Tuesday)]

Have you been going out and checking out the hotties? Simply waiting for your wife is hnattractive to her.

Did you download the MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER and read it?

You are worth way more than you think.

Hot girls like a pick-up man.

Haven't you heard the song?

I don't mean to be rude but if you don't mind, could you explain how you could possibly take her back knowing what you know about the fat skank she is hanging on to? He seems completely gross.

I don't mean to be rude but if you don't mind, could you explain how you could possibly take her back knowing what you know about the fat skank she is hanging on to? He seems completely gross.

I wish I knew. Maybe it is thinking about all the good times we had over the last 11 years. Maybe it is longing for what we had before the OM started at her place of employment at the end of April.

I really thought we had a really good marriage. I have been told by many friends and family that they were envious of our marriage. Everyone is shocked by the way my wife is behaving.

happens you have gotten your head into a place where it is removed from the emotions of the A and thinking clearly about what you want for your life. You can then take that opportunity to decide whether giving them a spot in your life again is a good idea in a much more rational way. Keep up with what you are doing and if it happens you will feel much better about deciding what you want to do if that happens.

Any time frame on long an A normally last after the WW moved in with the OM. I would guess they have been living together for about a month and a half at this point. Also working at the same place seems like they are getting all the contact they need at this point.

Missing, I have to say that this whole thread has been painful to read. I hope you will forgive me for flaming you and I do this in the hopes of giving you a good hard shake to wake you up because honestly it looks like you are sleep walking through this.

The reality is that it's done, over, finito, finished. you are being played to the tenth degree.

I've read so many threads from people who have some weird idea that if they practice the 180 it will get their WW back, that's not the purpose of the 180. The purpose of the 180 is to help you detach from the WW so that the wounds will start to heal. You need to understand this and start practicing it. It's not a trick to make her suddenly want you back because your playing hard to get, its about releasing your emotional attachment to her so what she is doing will not cause you pain anymore.

Take a step back and start seeing your WW and your relationship for what it really is, not some romanticized version of what you have built it up to be in your head just to justify your heartbreak. I had a friend tell me once after his divorce that he didn't realize he wasn't happy in his marriage until he got out of it and found out how happy he could be. Now he realizes that he should have done it years ago and he is grateful that his wife had the strength to get the ball rolling or they both would have gone through life unhappy and simply waiting to die.

Even if we humor the thoughts for one minute that she may eventually get tired of the OM and decide that you will do for the time being until a new shiny bauble comes along again, why the hell would you want her back? She has shown you where it is that you lay in her priority list, and it isn't as high as you should be.

Would you be happy if she came back a couple months from now, knowing that she has been playing house with another man? 5 years from now when you look in the mirror and you know in your heart that you are hers out of convenience and that's it, that she doesn't really want you, you're just filling a spot until something better comes along again. Is that the spot you want to be relegated to for the rest of your life, the back up plan?

It's time you moved on, for your own emotional health, even if she came back tomorrow begging on her hands and knees to come back (which she won't), your only response should be, " I wish you the best in your future, have a nice life."

Then head out and find somebody that will prioritize you and your emotional health where it should be and not above that of strangers.

MH2

I don't think anyone can give you a realistic timeline on how long the A will last. You can't control that so don't even bother trying. What you can control though is how you react to your current situation. It looks like your actions are normalizing your WW's behavior. By continuing to meet her weekly while she is shacking up with the OM, you are sending a clear message that you can live with that. Just like with a WS, a BS's actions are also more important than their words, and your actions tell her that you are willing to wait her out until she gets bored with the OM. If she can still see you and talk to you about a possible R while she is shacking with the OM, then she has no impetus to make a decision. She can keep waffling and throw you scraps once in a while to make you feel good (ie. the kiss on the cheek), knowing that you will stick around until she finally does decide. Don't give her that kind of power over the course of your life. You can't be second choice in your own marriage.

No one faults you for hanging on to the idea of R. Many of us have been there done that. Unfortunately, R takes 2, and you shouldn't even entertain the idea if she is still disrespecting you. Moving in with the OM should have been the last straw. What you need now is decisive action. The time for planning is over. Execute your plan as fast as possible. Instead of tapping the breaks, you should be stepping on the gas. Get yourself out of infidelity. That is goal number 1. She is welcome to come with you or not to. That is her choice to make. As you said, you will be OK either way.

Thanks Hurt,

Execute your plan as fast as possible. Instead of tapping the breaks, you should be stepping on the gas.

Unfortunately my plan is taking a while to execute. I'm seeking employment where I would consider home....lots of family there and the same place my wife and met 11 years ago. However government jobs are rather slow hiring. However I think these opportunities will pan out for me. (Never burn bridges....it may pay off for me)

Anyways I guess that is one reason I am tapping the brakes. I don't want to have to move twice. Of course the other reason is to see if my WW wants to comeback. But really it is more about living back in the city I love and being around family.

Not to mention the dating would be much better there than the small town I live in now. (That we relocated to 5 years ago so my wife could advance her career) and look what it got me!?!?

[This message edited by MissingHer2 at 12:53 PM, September 12th (Tuesday)]

If (and I say IF) she ever woke up and showed the signs of a remorseful WS I listed above (hope you read them) it would be incumbent upon her to WIN YOU BACK.

A big part of that would be to bend over backwards to do what you need to heal and to make your life better. Included in that would be if she were willing to move to where you ended up.

Don't feel bad about moving closer to your support system and where you feel more comfortable.

If she ever decided you were worth winning back she would have to come to you and do the work, not vice versa.

If she ever decided you were worth winning back she would have to come to you and do the work, not vice versa.

That is the ultimate goal. Go back to where me met 11 years ago and try R. If it worked out great.....if not it would be much easier to walk away.

On another topic I often wonder if I was WS instead of her and had an A I don't think she would have done this. Of course this would have never happened as I loved her too much to cause this type of pain on her.

Like she told her Brother "My H would never cheat on me" those words couldn't be truer. I could never cheat on anyone even more so now than ever after being a BS.

If she makes 3x your income, I hope you will go for some kind of spousal support, plus 1/2 of her 401K, 1/2 equity in home, etc.

If she makes 3x your income, I hope you will go for some kind of spousal support, plus 1/2 of her 401K, 1/2 equity in home, etc.

You are right on and I don't think she has any idea. Should be 2 years of spousal support and just about half of her 401k (she had a little in there before we got married) and I'll take half of everything else home equity included. She was telling me we don't have any assets that all we have is debt.....complete bull shit. All of our debts items have a decent amount of equity in them. We don't have any CC debt.

I don't think she has even thought about her 401k.

She must just be think about trading my government salary for the old fat guys salary that is almost 2 as big as hers. No telling how long he sticks around after the chase is all over. She is certainly is risking a lot professionally too. It is odd how she was always about getting to the top the right way and now look what she is doing now. I always thought she had high character morals and ethics and that is why I thought she wouldn't be capable of ever cheating. Guess I was wrong.

Maybe her success professionally is her undoing. I remember how happy we were in the beginning not making much money at all.

I don't think she would have done this.

Would have done what? Worked to get out of infidelity?

Is she just playing with me? Giving me false hope that she may want to try R? Is she still conflicted?

Yes. She is playing with you and yes she is trying to give you false hope. She filed for divorce and has discussed with her lawyer what the best outcome is for her. And she is hedging her bets on that.

You are right on and I don't think she has any idea. Should be 2 years of spousal support and just about half of her 401k (she had a little in there before we got married) and I'll take half of everything else home equity included. She was telling me we don't have any assets that all we have is debt.....complete bull shit. All of our debts items have a decent amount of equity in them. We don't have any CC debt.

I don't think she has even thought about her 401k

I'll bet that she does have every idea as to what she could lose in terms of her 401k. She's snowing you. You know that she's seen a lawyer and they would have explained what you can expect.

Please stop talking to her. There is literally no point in continuing to discuss anything with her. Stop talking to her for your own benefit both emotionally and legally. Tell her from here on in, if she needs you to go through your lawyer.

I'm so sorry. We all know how painful infidelity is. We've all been through the trauma that you are currently enduring. And to have an exit affair and to be rejected in the process... it's truly heartbreaking. But she has demonstrated that she doesn't want to R, is further underscoring that by living with the OM, is obviously trying to manipulate you and she hasn't had one damn consequence other then being vaguely embarrassed with her family. If I were you, I'd scorch the earth. But I'd wait until your settlement is completed. You need to stop hoping that this will get better. It won't.

Would have done what? Worked to get out of infidelity?

She never would have had an A. If she would have been a BS first.

[This message edited by MissingHer2 at 2:26 PM, September 12th (Tuesday)]

But she has demonstrated that she doesn't want to R

I am/was hoping by her continuing to talk to me (her choice) that she was still conflicted about what she wants. I know I know stupid pick me dance.

I still believe she never went looking for this. She is at fault for where it is now. However I think the older single OM ihas played her like a fiddle and she fell for it.

She's already seen a lawyer. She knows exactly what she is facing financially. She may think she can get you to give in for less and so she's working you but don't believe she doesn't know.

Is she just playing with me? Giving me false hope that she may want to try R? Is she still conflicted?

Yes. Yes. No.

She filed. She told you what she wants. All she is doing now is trying to draw out the nice guy in you to ensure you get less than you deserve in a D. She hopes you will give her everything she asks for. She us using your feelings for her to a selfish gain.

So sorry man. I'd cut off all contact and make her speak to you through your lawyer.

You can't trust a thing she says or does anymore.

Honestly she probably will crash at some point, but that won't happen until the finality of the path she is on is near.

At that point she will try to suck in you in one more time just to watch you squirm.

Look, I am not trying to bash your W. She has been clear about what she wants and the methods she will use to get them.

Again sorry man. The W you feel in love with is no longer there. She is gone already.

Move on with the best settlement you can get and begin to live your life for you again, not her.

She may think she can get you to give in for less and so she's working you but don't believe she doesn't know.

"Think" is the key word there. There will be no Mr. Nice when/if it comes to the settlement. I'm prepared to be a Honey Badger.....and you know what they say about Honey Badger. "Honey Badger don't give a shit." I will get what I am owned and not a penny less.

She may have an idea. But until she actually sees the numbers on the page she has no idea. It's a lot to give up for an old fat guy that probably won't be in the picture very long.

I still believe she never went looking for this. She is at fault for where it is now. However I think the older single OM ihas played her like a fiddle and she fell for it.

I think you know this and I also think you are doing the right things, but I just wanted to say, I don't really believe in this concept.

You don't know what they talked about. You don't know who flirted with who. You don't really know who made the first move.

Even if it was all him I think she was open to this and let it play out. It wasn't even over years. It was over weeks.

Sorry to be so blunt but I want to make sure your eyes are fully open.

I work and have social functions with lots of women. If any one of them were to thru words or body language make it known they were interested in something inappropriate I would see it coming a mile away. And because I value my relationship with my wife so much I would pretty quickly discuss it with her and we would both be on alert and work an out strategy depending on the situation.

I would not want to affect my relationship one bit with her. Wouldn't you do the same? A wife that has her one and only in you would want to protect that beyond all costs. Yours did not.

Someday she may wake up and realize what she has lost but in order to do that she HAS TO LOSE IT FIRST. So until that happens there will not be that a-ha moment.

I really want you to end up happy. The path to that happiness either with or without her takes the same first few steps. No matter what she says right now don't deviate from them.

Not until you see that truly Remorseful WW I and others described above.

Stevesn,

I must thank you today. You have given me good advice and have listened to me all day without being too harsh. I certainly appreciated it.

If any one of them were to thru words or body language make it known they were interested in something inappropriate I would see it coming a mile away. And because I value my relationship with my wife so much I would pretty quickly discuss it with her and we would both be on alert and work an out strategy depending on the situation.

Maybe you are right. She has shut down anything like this in the past and had told me about it right away. I don't know why it didn't happen this time.

That being said this OM is a different breed from what she has dealt with in the past. He must have listened to every word she said on his very day with the company. (Went on a business trip with her and her boss the very first day on the job) My wife had a lot of pressure at work as she was/is doing what was 3 different jobs.

He listened to her vent....telling her how much he could help and from there the bond was formed.

Like you said though she should have shut it down. I still think it turned into a perfect storm for this to happen.