SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all

I could really use some help here.

I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown and my life is really starting to suffer as is that of my wife and children.

I have been married several years and we have young children. My wife is a lovely women and a great Mum, everything I ever wanted.

Unfortunately I am now extremely paranoid and anxious that she is having an affair with a neighbour who works from home a lot.

My wife is at home a lot also.

In the past this has been a bit of a joke. There have been several things over the past 2 years that has made me have occasional suspicion that we have laughed off when I asked her about them.

We have a really good loving relationship that hasn’t changed much really.

They are.

1) 4 out of 5 times I came home from work unannounced over 2 yrs he has been in my house (with his kids who are my kids friends). Most of those times he was leaving the house. I haven’t had to ring the bell and wait any length of time. Once though he left with a vegetable steamer in his hand saying he bought fish to cook for his anniversary (which was true) and he didn’t have a pan big enough. This pan was quite small for fish and as a keen cook - why would you buy a fish you can’t cook? I also came home once and she seemed very (overly) surprised I came home, although it is out of character for me.

2) Boxer shorts have appeared (washed and folded) in my drawer 3 time. Twice when my in laws were doing some washing for us but once recently when they hadn’t washed our stuff for months. The last pair then vanished and she cant remember what happened to them (although she remembers what she said when I asked whose they were. She said - "I don’t know..whose are they? Probably my brothers or dads"

3) I found a call from our car phone to him once. She said it was his daughter when she was in the car, and also a text came through but I couldn’t read it all. Didn’t seem dodgy what I could see.

4) She bought a fair bit of new underwear 2 yrs ago but would always be in her comfy undies by the time I got home from work.

5) She never puts xs on her texts to him although she does to others except our other neighbour.

All the above isn’t much and I laughed it off.

6) I once found her knickers in the car glovebox, although they were old ones.

So I came back from a few lads weekends where I overindulged and came back feeling paranoid. My fault. This went after a few days but I was left with the relationship paranoia that is eating me alive.

7) We went to the pub and I said he never looks me in the eye. He doesn’t. Then the next time I see him a few days later he literally stares at me while talking, so I had to look away 3 times. Had she told him?

8) Then I started to check whattsapp. I never saw a message and he was never blocked etc but..

He was on hols for 8 days with his wife and child, in which time he was online once or twice a day.

Every time he was last online my wife was last online either before or after by 3 minutes except twice when it was 10 and 12 mins.

He then came back and on the Thursday he was online 3 times and every time they were online at the same time, and then the next day the same but he was only online once.

My wife is online max 4 times an hour but often not for 2 hours. So the coincidence is massive.

Then we were out at a restaurant with the in laws and she was on her phone before giving it to our child to use. She was on whattsap and lo and behold he was online 1 minute later (the only time he'd been online that day).

Surely she wouldn’t msg him nxt to her mum and me sat next to her mum. I could have stood up and seen??

9) I once told her I had recorded the house 2 yrs ago and had a video. She said: "What" "What did you see?" then paused and said - "probably me doing the ironing." I found this fishy.

10) I also asked her to message him on Whatsap to see if he'd reply. She opened text msgs instead. I said no on WA. She opened it and create a group of him and his wife. Which I said no just to him and she did. He read it but didn’t answer. (He doesn’t answer much though to be fair when I msg him.)

So our lifes at the end. I know I can’t keep questioning her. It's not right or fair.

She was mazing and booked a Poly test which was passed. But I noticed she called another one first and said there's no answer.

But it's a national firm with a recorded option list and they always answer when you make the selection to speak.

The test we did was local and I'm concerned she may know a mutual acquaintance or offered them a bung.

Am I a paranoid freak who is ruining her (and my own) life or is this suspicious?

Please help. I'm going insane and I can't ask her any more questions or she'll (rightly) leave me.

I'm struggling to function.

Thanks you for your help

R

X

I should add in the poly test before it happened she admitted having a fling with a guy when on holiday just before we married, but said they didn't actually do the deed. She also said it was just revenge for when I snogged a girl at that time, but it was for 10 seconds so hardly the same as going back to a guys apartment.

Could have been throwing me this to make it more believable, or I could just be completely nuts and the poor girl is totally innocent.

Big love and happiness to all on this forum.

x

2) Boxer shorts have appeared (washed and folded) in my drawer 3 time. Twice when my in laws were doing some washing for us but once recently when they hadn’t washed our stuff for months. The last pair then vanished and she cant remember what happened to them (although she remembers what she said when I asked whose they were. She said - "I don’t know..whose are they? Probably my brothers or dads"

4) She bought a fair bit of new underwear 2 yrs ago but would always be in her comfy undies by the time I got home from work.

6) I once found her knickers in the car glovebox, although they were old ones.

You are not paranoid - go ninja style and keep investigating her & him - they are not good at covering their tracks. I would also seek out a good attny just in case ...

(((richard)))

The one that bothered me the most was underwear in the glovebox. If I needed to get rid of a pair for some kind of feminine accident or something, I'd throw them away or in my purse till I got home. That's s little wierd for me to put in glovebox. The boxers are a little wierd too unless you have company frequently and they are known to leave other items too, not just underwear. I was trusting until I started seeing red flags everywhere. If you're normally trusting then you might be picking up on something. Could be an emotional connection too that may or may not be physical. But I wonder would they mess around with kids in the house?! And are you always paranoid about other men or is this a new feeling?

Jen was typing at same time- sounds like the same things don't sound right to either of us. I agree, keep investigating. And I'm sorry

Your gut is talking to you and it doesn't want to be soothed. You can find out what is going on fast by getting yourself a few voice-activated recorders and leaving them hidden in the house. If you have found him in your house before, he will be there again and you can find out what is said.

Why not first just set boundaries about men not being in your house when you are not there and no texting with other men. These aren't unreasonable boundaries. Should be easy to monitor.

Trust me kids won't stop them - it didn't stop my Xh & the whore. Emotional or physical an A is an A. They hurt equally, for many.

Also if she has already cheated on you and it sounds like you have cheated on her - some marriage & individual counseling should be in both of you very near future.

I'm sorry - Idc who you are if you leave your panties/boxers at my house I am throwing them away - not washing them and putting them in the drawer. Yep women put panties in the glove compartment for a couple reasons - one is to have an extra set - and the other is because we are hiding them to wash them later. For whatever reason we need to wash them.

Do you both the OM & you wear boxers ??? Cause if you wear tighty whities and all of a sudden there are boxers in your drawer - used ones I might add

Perhaps just a very little paranoid, but that's OK, blind trust isn't healthy really.

Trust, but verify.

I would suggest using a couple or three VARs (voice actvated recorders) placed strategically in her car and in the home.

If you never find anything, then good, if so then you will have the opportunity to be better prepared.

In the mean time, please do some reading in The Healing Library, linked in the upper left corner. Also read the Tactical Primer at the top of the Just Found Out forum.

Thanks all.

It's the WhatsApp coincidences that bug me the most.

I just can't believe it's coincidence.

WhatsApp is the cheaters best friend, believe that.

2) Boxer shorts have appeared (washed and folded) in my drawer 3 time. Twice when my in laws were doing some washing for us but once recently when they hadn’t washed our stuff for months. The last pair then vanished and she cant remember what happened to them (although she remembers what she said when I asked whose they were. She said - "I don’t know..whose are they? Probably my brothers or dads"

Do you wear boxers?

I do but not often.

Her dad wouldn't I'm sure.

So maybe her brothers?

Surely if they were the APs she wouldn't be stupid enough to pick them up and wash them?

It's just the whatsap coincidences.

Can it be coincidence that nearly every time he's online she's online within a few minutes.

Over c. 20 occasions??

Since she does the laundry, it seems odd that she would put the suspicious boxers in your drawer. Seems like she would know they aren't yours.

WS have done a lot worse than washing and putting away the AP undies in the BS drawer. I wouldn't be surprised at all. Obviously they are not covering their tracks well that app proves that

Do you think she's having an affair?

She did a lie detector test, so she either bribed them or she's innocent.

She did say she would do another one of my choosing that I can keep quiet until she does it. But now says can we try not to, but if I can't cope she will do it.

This is destroying my life. Help :((((

The other thing is she knows that I can see when he's online.

So she knows I can see this. Surely she wouldn't keep doing it?

Unless she's going to leave but she seems genuinely upset that I'm abusing her mentally, and she wants things to mend because she loves me and our life together.

if he is at your house alot then why not a VAR (or several) placed in key rooms?

She seems to know a lot of what you are doing - I would play it cool for a while so she drops her guard a bit (if in fact its up)....

i'm a wayward - the guard up doesn't last for long and the level of stupidity when you are actively involved in infidelity is mindblowing so a VAR or two should sort it out.....

Go ninja. Investigate get ur ducks in a row. Get an atty on retainer just in case you don't wanna have to do it after the fact, you have enough evidence to want/need an atty.

Get the vars voice activated recorders and hide them in hot spot rooms.

Get into counseling both M and ic.

Do you or OM have kids ? Is he M'ed ?

LOL - krystalbefore - yep, wayward here and I agree w you.

Richard - her behavior is bizarre. I dxi things and told lies and covered up something fierce when I was actively in the A. Stay on her.

Who found the poly-graph-person? If she did - that's suspect. Obviously - if time and relationship seems right you may ask the other spouse if anything ever seems weird when you're not home - eg another guy (not her husband) that might give some insight. Your wife already knows your suspicious so see if that spouse tells her spouse and then he tells yours.

Sorry you're here - I agree with other that your gut is absolutely screaming at you. Listen to yourself