SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's obvious he knows you're suspicious. If it we're just a friendship, then he would respect you and your marriage,and stop coming over when you're not there. If they're just friends, then is he inviting you and your wife over for dinner? Or are you and his wife excluded from this friendship? She knows you're suspicious,yet she's not ending the friendship, or putting any boundaries up to make you feel safe.

I think it's highly possible he put the boxers in your dresser,knowing you would find them. It wouldn't be the first time an AP pulled that trick.

Put the vars around the house where she, and the kids,won't find them. Something is up here.

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:02 PM, September 17th (Sunday)]

Ugh. It makes me ill to read your post. I agree that something is off. Trust your gut. My H managed to carry on an A with our neighbor for 3 months. The funny part is that although neither I nor the OBS picked up on it, other neighbors certainly took notice of the middle of the day comings and goings. I would definitely check phone records and pop in during the day if you can. Or ask a trusted friend to drop by.

I'm in agreement that she is up to something. Buy that voice activated recorder and put it in her car. You'll catch her soon.

You should not be ok with her having whatsapp on her phone. It's a cheating app.

I made my wife delete a similar app off of her phone 2.5 years ago. But I should have left her instead. She cheated on me for the whole time afterward until i caught her 3 months ago.

Trust your gut. It's telling you the truth.

Right it's time for you to stfu.

I mean this sincerely, time to put the phone down when she picks up her phone, time to stop complaining/accusing, when you go to the pub and meet buddy talk to him like he's an old friend..

If there is something going on, they're both now hyper vigilant and they know your schedule and how to play everything off.

As suggested instead of complaining and moaning do something about it. Buy some VARS put them around the house, buy a camera put it in the bedroom. Sooner or later when they get comfortable they will slip up but it's time to be smart.

Thanks everyone.

Im trying to beleive its not true.

1.

Would she really whatsapp him when at dinner with me and her parents sitting at the table.

He hasnt been online again still up to now.

Also he is only online c. Twice for a minute ir two or so each day. If it was an afaair surely there would be more chat?

2.

Also as she knows i can see her whatsap times and gus surely she would stop doing it??

3.

Would she really go to the lengths of forging or bribing a lie dectector test.

She cracked under mybquestioning and said.

Damn it lets just do this test so we can get on with our lives.

So she didnt have to she could have kept arfuing.

What do u think of these 3 points?

Thank you so much

Xxx

everything sent via whatsapp can be recovered. google top 10 free whatsapp recovery tools. i used 2 and got maybe 80%.

Thx.

I dont want to root her phone but maybe i will.

Shes away till weds from today with her parwnts and the kids so ill have to wait.

Re the 3 points above do u rhink it could mean shes innocent.

She says im abusing her and she cant cooe with it anymire. It has been 6 weeks of hell for us both.

Thx

have you asked questions about these incidences of boxers ,being there while your not and whatsapp and if so surley you could tell if the answer was complete bs

He sounds like a creep anyway hanging around so often while your not there thats the biggest disrespect both of them are handing you

Hmmm,

I think this could go either way.

She DID PASS a polygraph. And unless she's a psychopath, I doubt she could pass it if she was lying. The "bribing" idea? Also low on the percentages.

"Nickers" in the glove box? Suspicious? I don't know. Odd? Maybe. But this could be so many things. Maybe she had an accident. Maybe she took them off and had to rince them out. Maybe she didn't have a plastic bag to put them in. Maybe they were too wet to put into her purse. And maybe she just forgot to take them out when she arrived home.

The boxer shorts? Sounds like this isn't a smoking gun either. Sounds like you have several overnight male visitors. Dad, her dad, brother, etc. Anyway, *IF* these belonged to the suspected OM, she would certainly know they were his. I KNOW my husband's undershorts. If some stray pair found its way into our laundry, I would notice right away. And *IF* (would never happen) I was having an affair, and my man-toy for some reason left his skivies here, I wouldn't put them into my husbands underwear drawer.

What'sapp? I don't know. I don't know enough about it. But if she's not locking you out of it, probably not.

If I were you, go to your wife and tell her that having this guy in your house so often while you're not home makes you uncomfortable. And ask her if she would only have him over while you're home.

Her reaction will give you a pretty good indication wheather you need to keep digging or not.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 2:02 AM, September 18th (Monday)]

Thanks all.

Her reacrion does seem honest but I'm not good at telling really.

I always think shes lying at the moment.

But i agree if she was whatsaping gim surely shed block me feom seeing it or use somethong else to communicate.

And surely she wouldnt message him in a restaurant sitting next to her mum when im one place along??

She cant be that evil.

Its just such massive coincidence i cant get padt it.

Thanks all.

Her reacrion does seem honest but I'm not good at telling really.

I always think shes lying at the moment.

But i agree if she was whatsaping gim surely shed block me feom seeing it or use somethong else to communicate.

And surely she wouldnt message him in a restaurant sitting next to her mum when im one place along??

She cant be that evil.

Its just such massive coincidence i cant get padt it.

Well, my WH gave me his Facebook password while using messenger to communicate with OW. They'd chat while I was at work and he'd delete. He knew I didn't like her and was suspicious. He left random chats with her on nothing to throw me off. Cheaters find ways. So as everyone is saying, try a VAR or two and you can listen and know. I wish I'd followed my gut and pushed more in the beginning. I thought I was overreacting and then they took it physical. Good luck.

Could signing in on the What's Up app be a sign to the other person that they are free to chat/call/text/visit... on another app?

I'm still not totally convinced that she is cheating but having a man over as often as he is over (with the kids) would concern me. Have you considered setting up a VAR or two in the house? I'd hide one in the kitchen or family room (wherever she is prone to have company) and one in the bedroom. Then id' lay low, give her the impression at all is well.

She says im abusing her and she cant cooe with it anymire.

You are. She is being treated guilty until proven innocent.

You are on an infidelity website, looking for some sort of confirmation of what your instincts are telling you. At best, you have some circumstances that seem illogical. I won't argue with you on this. But this is no smoking gun---hell, there is barely any smoke.

She has tried to put your concerns to rest. She is transparent with her electronic devices. You know her whereabouts. She has gone through the effort of taking a polygraph in order to ease your mind, yet you question if she underhandedly altered the outcome. So basically, you have given her NO WAY to prove her innocence.

Could she be evil enough to keep running you through this wringer? Maybe. I only have a few paragraphs that describe your entire relationship. She could be the devil's incarnate. But one thing I know for certain is that you can't keep on like you are. Unless your wife has given you good reason to question her trust, you are going to have to work on your own state of mind.

I’m glad to see so many reasoned and calm responses telling you that although you might have some indications you don’t have any conclusive evidence supporting this being an affair. You also have some actions and factors strongly suggesting this is not an affair.

However, the key is that you need to feel assured and I am sensing that this is not the case. I’m going to give you one suggestion to help get some conclusion in this matter.

People having affairs need to communicate. They will do this where they feel safe. Since possible OM has reason to frequent your house then I think your wife feels safe there and the communications is plain old verbal. Nothing digital or hidden phones or something that elaborate, it’s simply talking to OM.

There are many inexpensive ways to monitor or record rooms ranging from old mobile phones, online camera systems and voice activated recorders. Give that a try - see what they communicate about when he’s over or if he/she calls.

Keep this in mind though:

If you don’t hear anything incriminating, then that might be because there is nothing going on.

You might catch things that you have no business hearing. Like maybe your wife telling her trusted best friend that you are acting like a dick.

Even if he comes over and you catch them chatting then it won’t be in code. Asking if he wants a cup of tea is not code for having sex. This could be an innocent, no bad intentions man dropping his kids over for some playtime.

If you follow this advice then I suggest you give yourself a deadline. If you haven’t heard anything in a week then it’s probably because nothing is going on.

I think there is enough here to be very concerning but from what you've told us it's not definitive either way.

It does sound as if their relationship is inappropriately close. That doesn't mean something has definitely happened but the scenario is very conducive to this heading in the wrong direction, if it hasn't already. This website is full of people, like me, who didn't act assertively and instead made excuses for things that weren't right, gaslighted by our WS. It's the biggest thing I would change, if I could.

I might go down two tracks. The first is to tell her how much it's upsetting you and to establish boundaries - as others have said, if she responds badly that's a big blaring alarm. Also, if she's caught not following them, then ditto.

Second, I would take some of the advice given about vigilance. You need proof, one way or the other.

Finally, I don't know how your M is but this is the time to save it, so for the time being I'd end the lads weekends away and put the focus on doing the things in your M which made you both happy in the first place.

It sounds as if you're in a negative spiral at the moment and that needs breaking.

Good luck, we all hope for the most positive scenario.

I'm sorry to tell you this but polygraphs are IMO bs. They are not even admissible in court because the "science" is not there. They do have value though because frequently wayward spouses get nervous and offer full confessions in the parking lot going in to take the polygraph. I would not put my eggs in the polygraph basket.

You have been offered good advice regarding VARs. Take it.

May you find peace.

And I should add, that though the results may not be indicative of anything, the fact that she agreed to take it is important. And goes in the column of "not cheating". I know. It's terribly discombobulating. Peace.

I'm sorry you needed to find yourself here, but you've come to a great place. You already have received a lot of great advice.

Look, your inner voice, your gut, are screaming at you. Listen to them please. I completely relate to your comments about suspicions that were blown off and you let it pass. Don't make the same mistake I did because doing so enabled a LTA.

The messages, calls, him being at your house so often, her buying underwear, boxers appearing in your drawer, and panties shoved into the glove compartment of your car are all red flags. Do you have access to your cell phone account? It could reveal a call history that would very quickly put things into perspective for you. Once you see endless calls to the same number over and over throughout the day, the jig is pretty much up at that point.

Get a recorder. Take a day off of work but don't tell your wife and show up unannounced at your home. Do you have all her passcodes?

Whatever you find and plan to do to catch her, do not tell her until all your evidence is gathered and there is no way for her to wiggle out of what's being proven.

Apparently I'm the only one who thinks this sounds like a whole lot of nothing.

Boxers in your drawer - did he come over to your house, have sex, then get dressed and forget to put on his underwear? Unlikely.

My wife carries an extra pair of underwear with her during that time of the month all the time. Maybe that is why she had a pair in the car.

You came home four times and found him in your house, fully dressed, with your kids and his kids there.

You claimed you put a camera up and she acted surprised? If my spouse said that I'd be like wtf? Followed by "we're getting divorced."

You made her submit to a polygraph apparently and she passed.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't see a whole lot here to make me suspicious. I do see someone who sounds paranoid and abusive.

By all means, keep your eyes and ears open, but I don't see the usual red flags.

edit: "She says im abusing her and she cant cooe with it anymire. It has been 6 weeks of hell for us both." - Bingo. She's right. Keep it up, she'll divorce you.

[This message edited by Northsider12 at 8:32 AM, September 18th (Monday)]