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(((DeadMumWalking and DS)))

Thinking of you and your DS and hope he's able to have a good birthday. Thank goodness his last round came back negative and he's still in IC. Many good vibes heading your way.

Praying for you all, DMW. Love, strength, and peace to you.

Sending you a giant hug and some sprinkles, DMW. You have been a fortress through all of this. And your son is being amazing. He is doing all the right things, and he's leaning into the love and trust in your relationship. We all are holding you up with our vibes, prayers, and mojo.

How are you taking care of yourself? You're relentless in his care (and thank god, because he needs you to get him to testing) but I'm wondering as the adrenaline response runs down on this how are you managing your own self care?

Hugs.

Thanks guys, I am managing myself with help from my pdoc. I am so very lucky to have him and all of you on my side.

BIGGER update: the police have called him to look at some pictures, and he is going to do that tomorrow. An off/on girlfriend of his came here from Amsterdam (which is a big deal) to accompany him, because that was what he wanted.

He is scared to do this. We have talked it through, and I feel that he is doing the best he can to get through this. I told him that he should take all the time he wants when looking through the pictures. I also mentioned that he should be prepared for a flood of flashbacks and a tsunami of emotions. It won't make them go away, but I hope that he feels safer just by knowing that it can happen and it's a normal part of recovering.

I sure hope that fucker is in the stack of photos and that he is jailed for as long as humanly possible.

FUCKER WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO MY SON!!!!!!!!!

And I hope that he gets some of his own medicine in the prison-showers.

Well DS couldn't go today. He had a freakout about the whole thing. The police said he could take a little more time, but not toooooo long.

DS wants to talk to his IC again before going to do the photo identification, which I think is a good idea. I know this is a set-back for him, which makes me feel so sad because he had been doing a little better recently.

I am also going to see about getting a rape victim advocate to go with him. I asked about this before, but they told me they only work with women. In this country there are virtually no resources for male rape victims. But anyway I will call them back and beg them to take on his case because he is so young that he should not be navigating this on his own, someone who knows how to deal with the system should be accompanying him.

And unless he is REALLY uncomfortable with it, I will also go with him, regardless of who else goes. I can 'be there' as much or as little as he wants.

I know I can't take this pain for him, I can only support him as he finds his way through this healing process. What a helpless feeling it is.

I’ve been following this thread….and I am just kind of speechless, really.

I think back when I was 19 and I’m pretty sure I thought I knew everything and could tackle and handle anything life threw my way --- because, hey, I was 19 after all.

And then…I think about my kids (19, 20, 23). And I would be driven to my knees (full of irrepressible rage) if any one of them had to deal with what your son is dealing with. And I’m sure they would be having as much difficulty as your son is…and that would tear me apart.

You keep being there for him. He needs that.

and that he is jailed for as long as humanly possible.

Yeah, I’d be hoping for something a bit worse than that.

Since I've been offline for a while, thought I'd update.......

DS went to the police station a few weeks ago to view the photos. It was a book of about 50 photos that were freeze-frames from security tv. According to DS, he was pretty sure that none of them was the guy. He was very glad that the experience was over though, he was quite anxious about it beforehand.

Just this morning the police called again, they want to see him on Friday and they said they couldn't tell him why over the phone. (Not sure what that means???)

So DS is freaking out, called in sick to school because he didn't want to go (fine with me), and now we just have to wait it out till Friday. He hadn't eaten anything by 1pm (trauma diet, you all know the drill), so I suggested we make a meal together. Turned out to be scrambled eggs and a shitload of grilled veg (asparagus, mushrooms, peppers, zucchini, broccoli), he also had a topping of avocado. After a bit of a rest, he went to the basement and did a workout, so he's feeling a bit better now.

During his freakouts, or times when he triggering or having bad thoughts, we sit together along with a teddy bear that he gave me a few Christmases ago. With 'Happy Bear' (the name we had given him) on our laps we talk about stuff, like if he's having physical reactions, how those stem from our emotions about things, whatever else he wants to talk about). This does seem to help him a bit, but of course I always worry about him because he IS so severely affected (understandably and rightly so).

Anyway, that's where we are at now. If he wants me to go with him on Friday then I will. Till then, we just wait.

Oh DMW,

It is just so awful and heartbreaking. Your son is truly lucky to have such a wise, thoughtful and strong mom. It’s a situation that one can’t ever prepare for, yet you seem to have found ways to support and guide your son.

I do think it’s terrible that the police would leave him to wait until Friday. It seems cruel to add to his anxiety like that.

I hope they catch the bastard.

You are doing a wonderful job supporting him, DMW! I'M so glad for you both that you have that relationship. Too bad the police message was so vague and left him anxious. It seems most likely it will prove to be unfounded, but certainly understandable after everything else.

(((DMW and Son))))

You are a rock.

My heart breaks for all of you.

Go with him on Friday. Don’t ask – just do.

You be the Queen Bitch protecting her young if need be, but I don’t think you need to fear anything. As I have told you the cops need to investigate EVERYTHING – including stuff like your son willingly had sex, that it’s all imagination and so on. Be prepared for that, expect it and respond accordingly. Simply keep in mind that they need to approach this from every angle – including the angle that hurts you.

The fact that they already compiled the 50 pics and want him to come again however indicates that they are taking this seriously. Something they wouldn’t do if they had any doubts.

If the rapist wasn’t seen on any of the 50 pics then I’m thinking a couple (or more) things:

He knew the area and avoided the cameras.

He was camera-aware and disguised or hid his features. Hoodie, cap, wig…

If either of the above is correct then it also indicates an experienced operator. Ask the cops if there have been other male-on-male rapes in your area, community, country… With m-o-m relatively rare then there should be some red flags and relatively easy to find a modus operandi.

Ask about comparable male-on-female rapes for your area. Rape isn’t about sex. It’s about power. A sick perverted rapist will show his power to a man or a woman.

Ask them if they think a first-time opportunistic rapist would (a) have the drug (b) spice the drink (c) wait for your son to exit (d) lead him aside. Generally – be as proficient at his task as he seems to have been.

Another angle you might mention to the police: The rapist had to get to your son’s drink. Therefore, he was at the bar. Ask if background checks have been done on the staff. Ask if payments using credit-cards and debit-cards at the bar during the period your son was there have been cross-referenced with people fitting the rapist description (age, gender etc.).

In nearly every bar/restaurant there is a camera directly over the cash-register. Maybe the cops didn’t bother getting tapes off that one. Ask about it. If the rapist was smart enough to avoid cameras then he probably paid cash.

What I’m trying to get at with the suggestions is that as an individual case the cops might not have enough, but if combined with not enough in 2-5 other cases that “not enough” can combine into enough.

Sending continued hugs and strength

Thanks again Bigger, your help is truly invaluable. I would be at a loss without your advice.

And thank you thank you thank you everyone for your continued love and positive thoughts. This is a really tough week for DS.

DMW and your son,

Sending strength and prayers for tomorrow.

❤️🙏🏻

One thing you might want to tell your son:

In all research then rape victims complain that the police handle them as if they don’t believe their stories at some point. It’s the sense of not being believed that feeds to the sense of shame that feeds to the sense of being a victim.

I think that modern-day police REALLY WANT results. They WANT to show compassion and to get the truth. They recognize and acknowledge sexual crimes and WANT to solve them.

But… there is undeniably a certain percentage that are false claims (anything from 2-10%, depending on what research you believe) and a certain percentage is “misunderstanding”.

For example: If a couple is “aggressive” in foreplay in some power-fetish scenario where the woman has said no a couple of times but still leads the man on then it might be considered reasonable for him to have assumed consent to carry on despite the woman having said “no” if it was done in comparable terms. (I am describing a scenario and NOT condoning it!).

IF rapist is found and charged a competent attorney would consider what the police did to prove his guilt AND prove his innocence. If the cops don’t spend reasonable effort doubting your sons story then it only strengthens the culprits case.

Tell your son that it’s better he endures the one-two hours of examination and doubt than for the rapist to walk free.

Thanks Bigger. Yes, DS has told me how scared he is about the unknown aspect of whatever is going to happen today, as well as his fear that the police won't believe him.

I told him pretty much what you told me - that they DO believe him, otherwise they wouldn't be making a book of 50 photos, they would be blowing him off.

I also discussed the possibility/probability that they will need to ask him some hurtful things that make it LOOK like they don't believe him or are blaming him for what happened. I told him that this aspect is important - especially if there is DNA evidence - because what's the guy going to say when confronted with the DNA? That it was consensual. It's up to the police to gather as much evidence as they can to nail the bastard, including as much proof as possible that it was NOT consensual. So them asking these things doesn't mean that they don't believe him.

Also, the police know that he didn't just make a report to the police, he went to the hospital as soon as possible. Most reasonable people would interpret this as lack of consent.

I just said whatever I could to help him to feel more confident and relaxed.

But I think his biggest fear in all of this is going through the whole incident over in his head. He is still processing this trauma, and is having the bad thoughts of remembering that night over and over again. And just being in contact with the police already puts him in that state of mind, much less actually going there and talking to him.

We put together a list of questions about the investigation/legal process, based on your previous post. Based on what happens first with the police, we will know if we need to ask any of them.

btw, DS said that the police had told him before that there have been other rapes in that area, but he didn't say whether they had been against men or women. Wouldn't it be fantastic if they had matching DNA from all of the victims, including DS!

We are getting ready to go now, so I'll update later. I really hope that everything is going well with the investigation, and that we are worried over nothing.

Sending hugs and mojo for both of you and praying that it is good news.

I'll be thinking of you and your DS all day.

🙏🙏🙏 for some hint of resolution today...at least with the police.

You are so loved!

How did things go? I've had SI open to this thread all day. I hope all is ok. That you and DS are ok and better yet that they caught the creep!

Big hugs.