SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How worrying to go through this with him. 

This is a horribly devastating crime. I'm sorry you both are hurting, but I just think how much worse this would be for your brave DS without YOU by his side.

Huge hugs to you both. Hopefully your Holiday will prove to be a bit of distraction for him to put it out of his head if only for a short while and feel a bit 'normal' again.

Hey DMW,

Any news on the police investigation?

How do you sense they evaluate the “seriousness” of the crime? Are they taking this seriously? Have they checked CTV footage at the bar?

I realized that based on the drinking age and the EU tag you might not be in the USA. Maybe the link I offered wasn’t correct for your location, but hopefully you can find something comparable.

Hi Bigger, thanks for checking in. We are in Europe, but that website has still been helpful to my son. Thanks for providing that.

About the police, I will need to check that with my son but want to wait a bit for him to open up a little more about it. But they haven't sent anything to our house by mail. I would like to encourage DS to follow up with them about it.

This crime happened in a different state from the one where we live (next one over), I'm not sure how much if any difference it makes for the investigation though. At least I'm assuming there has been some kind of investigation. But I don't know how long it takes for them to test a rape kit, or to follow that up with database searches. It could also be that the perpetrator is from a different country (we are close to other countries in Europe) and so even if they have a criminal record/DNA in that country it might not turn up in our country. And I doubt that this is very high on Interpol's list of priorities.

I'm not sure about security cameras in/around the bar, I will suggest to my son that he find out about that when he follows up with the police.

And if he doesn't feel strong enough or ready to deal with the police then this mama bear is gonna do it for him. It would be great if the bastard could be caught.

Thanks again, your expertise and concrete suggestions have been helpful for me.

I have not read all responses. Maybe this has been said before.

Gay rape - her your son to hospital and ask for hiv pep - like morning after pill for hiv (have to take it for a month)..

Being raped is shit, living with hiv for the rest of his life ... worse

Sorry - reading more it happened more then 72 hrs ago.. Pepe only works in first 72 hours

Fingers crossed it’s all good for you son

I don’t know how I missed this, but I am so very very sorry. This is so sad and horrifying and I can only imagine your pain—and his.

If you need an ear Or shoulder, you know where to find me.

Millions of hugs to you all.

DMW...

How did it go for you and your son in the holidays?

I know sometimes the holidays can be a much needed distraction, but can also make negative issues hurt even more.

I so hope it was the former for you both.

Still thinking of you and your DS.

Much love and hugs. 💕

DMW I am so sorry. I cannot read the other responses, it is a huge trigger for me. I was sexually abused by my stepfather for years and raped my first year in the Army. My only comfort I can give is that it IS possible to heal from this. I'm so sorry your baby has suffered this horrible action. I wish I could travel to you and him both and give you both a hug. Please get counseling for yourself as well. You're going through a lot to and be gentle with yourself. It's hard being the parent and helpless to prevent our babies from being harmed. He will need you at your strongest. I wish I could do more for you. Know I am sending prayers and all of my love.

My poor boy, he's been spending so much time alone. We had a nice visit with family over the holidays, but this past week he hasn't wanted to spend much time with friends.

He starts school again tomorrow, gets STD results, has another IC this week. I hope the activity helps him a bit. He is taking Trittico (Trazodone) for sleeping/anxiety/depression, and his sleeping has improved.

He's such a strong young man having to navigate all of this, even though I know he doesn't feel that way right now.

((DMW & DS))

Hugs To you both. My DD is having insomnia and night terrors her psychiatrist will not give her sleeping pills.

Hugs dmw, I am just now seeing this. I am so glad your son has you for getting through this nightmare

I am so sorry for your son, you and your whole family. I have no words of wisdom or even comfort. Just know that I am holding you all in my thoughts and wishing for peace and serenity for you all. (((((((((((((DMW, DS3))))))))))))))

Thanks everyone for continuing to keep us in your thoughts.

Next round of STD testing this week. DS said he doesn't feel like doing it because 'I don't think I have anything'. I told him that of course we hope that he doesn't but that he could have something without symptoms. He said he just doesn't want to do it. So I asked him if he just wanted to forget about this whole experience and he said yes, that's probably why he doesn't want to go.

So I told him that not testing doesn't make it go away and could even make things worse, so it is better to confront everything now.

Then I told him that he needs to go to the testing place tomorrow and bring me proof that he went or made an appointment for later this week, and if he doesn't come home with that proof tomorrow then I am taking him in myself the next day.

I also told him that if he didn't want to go alone, WH and/or I would go with him.

Also, I asked him if he had told any friends and he has now. He said they have all been very supportive of him. I said maybe one of them would go to the testing place with him to support him if he wanted.

After this round of testing there's another one in 6 weeks then a final one 3 months after that. I am hopeful that he won't have any positive tests because he doesn't have any high risk behaviors - (serially) monogamous (afaik), uses condoms, no drugs other than alcohol occasionally, no sex with men (other than his rape ).

I know he is an adult (he'll be 20 in a few weeks), but I can't allow him to forego this testing, just like I can't let him walk into an oncoming train. I hope that he will let us all help him to get through this, he normally likes to be able to handle things on his own. But this is just too big.

I don't know what else to do. He is going to IC 1-2 times per week. His night terrors are gone, but he still has trouble sleeping and is often nauseous without any apparent reason such as a tummy bug, so I'm assuming that it's his body reacting to this trauma.

He's got a lot on his plate right now, even without this. I still feel shocked that this has happened to him. And so helpless even while I am trying to help him to process this, to work his way through it and, eventually, to overcome his feelings of weakness and helplessnes and take back his power.

Thanks again for all of your support. It means so much to me, and gives me strength to be a source of support and comfort to DS when I'm not feeling all that strong myself.

You guys cant have missed the metoo revolution.

Could you use it as a tool to open your son up?

A key-issue being discussed is returning the shame and the blame. Your son might be suffering from some shame and blame for allowing this to happen. Maybe talking to him about what metoo is all about could help.

Good idea Bigger, I'll bring it up with him.

Small update: this last round of STD testing was all negative, his next appt (3 months) is end of February.

Today is his birthday, he's 20 now, and we will be making a cake together tonight.

He is keeping up with IC, which I am glad about because I know that he still needs it (and will for some time). But he is also still having flashbacks and other bad thoughts.

Keep sending out your good vibes.

sending all the good vibes the world has to offer. (((DMW & DS)))

Sending Birhday wishes and good karma to your son.

I hope that you two can have a really wonderful birthday today. Continuing to hold you both in my prayers.