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She doesn’t deny him sex.

But she does deny him the same sex that she gave her AP.

She's the one that needs to fix her priorities, not him. She should have stayed with her AP if she preferred wild sex with him over her H.

It's like, she punished her H with her A. And now she's still punishing her H by showing him that what she did sexually for her AP, she refuses to do for him.

Then divorce her. Since she is menopausal and can’t fake her wild libido...and if red horse interprets this as her further punishment of him...then divorce her...or pay for acting lessons.

I'm.into some pretty crazy stuff that WH isn't totally into. There's an entire community of people that are into stuff I like and I could find a partner easy...

But I'm not about to D my WH just because he isn't into the same stuff. We have found areas of compromise and totally enjoy what we both feel comfortable doing. Besides I love him and he loves me. We are friends and lovers. There's more to us then just what happens in the bedroom, on the kitchen counter, in the back of the truck...You get the idea.

My marriage isn't about my vagina and his penis. Not just about that. Its like an onion. Many layers. Now if the one layer means more to you than everything else that a marriage is, and you can't get that layer satisfied, D.

and if red horse interprets this as her further punishment of him

I think he's more concerned that she just doesn't care about how it makes him feel.

Well said, Rideitout,

The genders see this issue Very differently.

The women feel as if BH is demanding she subjugate herself to degrading pornstar sex, to the point of an early death.

The BH feels that the WW is at this very moment rejecting him in favor of the OP just because for a period of time she risked it all to engage in passionate acts with OP that she wouldn't do with BH.

And yes everyone feels strongly and many are triggered. Before it all went off the rails we were on the verge of communicating how the BH typically views sexual rejection as a rejection of the core of who he is. It's not at all about getting one's rocks off at the WWs expense. It's so sad that that even has to be said. It speaks to the abusive experiences that both men and women have had regarding this subject.

Looks like many of us need therapy. and perhaps divorce. At least that worked for me

[This message edited by antlered at 6:12 PM, April 2nd (Monday)]

It's like, she punished her H with her A. And now she's still punishing her H by showing him that what she did sexually for her AP, she refuses to do for him.

And this is why I think many BH's are missing the forest for the trees.

Most affairs have NOTHING to do with the BS. Nothing. Its not about punishing a BH. A person cheats because of their own failings and fucked-up-ness.

My WH didn't cheat because he wasn't getting g sex from me. It wasn't because I have big boobs and he likes small.ones. it wasn't because I have big hips, or am short and he likes tall. It had nothing to do with me. Saying you are being punished by your WW because she's not willing g at first glance to fuck you like a porn star is again missing the forest. Do you guys know 100% that the sex she had with oM was porn sex? Did she actually hang from a chandelier?

Maybe what it takes to get into a fulfilling marriage is to work on it one day at a time building a new marriage that is built on mutual wants and desires instead of ultimatums and demands.

Fixed word

[This message edited by DragnHeart at 6:14 PM, April 2nd (Monday)]

Sassylee, I completely agree.

Honestly OP? (If you are still around) Reiterating what I first said on this thread:

1. You could first communicate clearly how you feel with your WW. She might understand and come around.

2. You could to get into counseling to see if you can change how you feel regarding the rejection.

3. You could make plans to leave and then act on them. After a few years, regardless if you are having sex or not, you won't feel that rejection and invalidation that you are feeling right now.

As for myself, I went with these options, more or less in order (sexless marriage, she cheated and I was done. There were additional serious issues in the marriage but it was a deal breaker on its own).

[This message edited by antlered at 6:34 PM, April 2nd (Monday)]

People always use excuses to deny the BH what the

OM got.

The WW did not take drugs or hormones to have

porn star sex with the OM

It is my body and I will not be told what to do.

After Day the WW is a 1 day older. One day

is not going to age the WW that much that she can

no longer perform porn star sex.

Does the WW tell her BH how to get her worked up

during the day to get her to give porn star sex?

No!

Yes it is her body and the way she gave it to a

man that is a liar, sneak, and a cheat so he got

porn star sex. Because she wanted to.

Yet she refuses to share her body in the same way

for the man that went to work, sick or well,

worked OT, second job, kept her car gased up,

washed and waxed, kept up the yard.

Yes she justifies that she does not have to give

the man that did all of this day in and day out

for years porn star sex because no man is going

to force her.

Where is the WW's sense of justice that she can

deny her BH porn star sex after her affair when

she gave it freely to her OM?

[This message edited by oldtruck at 9:52 PM, April 2nd (Monday)]

Reading these threads makes me think that a lot of women see sex as worse than a chore, it's more like a punishment. Which is not how I have ever seen it; I'd be the happiest person alive if I'd had an A and my "punishment" was more and kinkier sex.

I would love to know what percentage of women feel this way! Lol.

I will tell you, sex has been and continues to be a huge issue in my life. I am very analytical, and I have tried to figure out why. It's complicated.

But one thing is for sure: my mind and heart control my desire for sex, not my body. (Unless I am ill or whatever physical issue.) I have heard the way men describe a gentle breeze or see a certain image, and BAM! Ready to go. Omg. I cannot imagine.

If I am in love, attracted, feeling good, then sex is a great idea. If my mind is full of junk like stress and responsibilities, then nope.

It is not a release. (Masturbation is--2 minutes is all I need--but not sex.) Sex requires more of a commitment to . . . whatever escapades, and nobody has ever gotten me off in 2 minutes. But my H? It's a release, start to finish.

He says, "I'm so stressed, I need sex."

I say, "I'm so stressed, I need a nap."

We are just not wired the same. I can accept that. And if a few women are, great for them. I'm not. And neither are any of my friends.

And don't get me started on how porn usage has interfered with the quality of sex! Ugh. That is my girlfriends' number one complaint.

IDK.

I give up on this subject.

Marriage is imperfect. You judge your overall happiness level and take it or leave it.

Simply putting forth an effort to kick up the sex would probably go a long way in helping Red heal.

Ignoring his desire completely? Bullshit.

I was reading a traditional Chinese heath perspective on menopause last year. That philosophy says to go with the flow. Eat right to ease symptoms and reduce stress. Listening to your body and emotions is emphasized. Most women do that anyway unless they are under stress. The goal is to preserve quality of life and extend your lifespan. In contrast, the newer western approach is to try and go against the natural process and try and force the body back to the state of child bearing even though that time has naturally passed.

I think it's wise that women weren't designed to carry developing children with aging organs. Pregnancy is hard work for the body. Weren't most early humans at the end of life before 50? I thought 40 was pretty old for us back in cave man days.

So we are facing all these things most of us never did back in ancient days and maybe even later. Men are just designed differently and don't stop/slow their reproductive drive when women do. Lucky us to get a chance at 50 or 60 more years than our ancient ancestors had. That's amazing when you think about it.

I'm for solutions that allow people to have a longer, healthier, low stress life. To me, Marriage is about harmony and wanting the best for your partner and family.

Redhorse,

The thing about marriage is this: you have to actually break the deal if you are unhappy; complaining won't do the trick. If the quality of sex is a deal breaker, go. You do lose everything else that this marriage provides, but you may end up happier. It's all a gamble, everything we decide. But if it's killing you, then go find a different partner.

Most affairs have NOTHING to do with the BS. Nothing. Its not about punishing a BH. A person cheats because of their own failings and fucked-up-ness.

Affairs have EVERYTHING to do with the BS, as they are the main victim. Everything else is rationalization so the WSes can think better of themselves.

"I hurt myself as much as I hurt you".

Yeah...that's why you went back for more sex 63 more times.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 6:48 PM, April 2nd (Monday)]

So, I'm curious. Do you think it's only a certain "type" of man that cannot easily reconcile with their WW unless she does this, that, and everything else? It's typically the same posters who argue this point, while many men in other threads appear to be reconciling fine without this.

Is it a certain personality? Competitive? Type A? Machismo type?

Just wondering.

Lots of BH do not seem to need their wives to go to these lengths to redeem themselves.

while many men in other threads appear to be reconciling fine without this.

These are more than likely men in R whose WWs are taking care of business with them.

I've yet to see an R story where the BH is like, "yeah, we're doing great. WW has zero passion for me and we hardly ever do it, BUT LIFE IS GREAT!!".

[This message edited by GoldenR at 7:05 PM, April 2nd (Monday)]

Maybe it’s simply the type of men that find themselves sexually frustrated in their marriages, OIN.

Every time they come to discuss or vent about their situation or feelings they get hammered by the same bullshit they probably hear from their wives/ex wives.

It’s baffling to me what is considered acceptable requirements for R and what isn’t. Ask a wayward wife to quit her job, which is very likely a career and everyone jumps on board. Regardless of the consequences that will come with a monumental decision like that. Ask a wayward wife to put some work into the sexual relationship of the marriage and we get dozens of pages defending her right to do nothing. Hyperbole and straw men completely disregard the OP’s feelings. And probably just leave them even more frustrated then when they started the threads. Super supportive.

It’s too bad a man can’t have a complaint about sex. But I guess that’s porns fault too....

I thought the premise of this thread was specific to WWs and the need for the BH to get at least the same as the OP got. It's wasn't about women in general was it.

This post just makes me so sad. There are ways to fix this. Yes, they have side effects and you need to decide if they are right for you or not, but low dose testosterone/estrogen therapy will most likely take you from where you where you are to more motivated for sex than you've ever been in your life. If you want to fix it, find a doc to help you, they are out there, and they can fix this for you (and others with this problem, assuming, of course, that the lack of sex drive isn't a symptom of lack of interest/love/attraction for your husband).

I should clarify that there is more to this than my age. During R I gained 40 pounds (not very sexy). During R I became severely depressed (I do not feel sexy). We are 4.5 years out and our sex life is improving. I'm on meds for the depression (no side affects). Haven't lost the weight yet but I keep trying.

My GYN doesn't like to do HRT until after menopause and even then only recommends them if necessary. At this point my BH isn't complaining so I'm good. I'm doing everything I can to make him happy and he knows that.

[This message edited by Root at 8:18 PM, April 2nd (Monday)]

I thought the premise of this thread was specific to WWs and the need for the BH to get at least the same as the OP got. It's wasn't about women in general was it.

You're correct. But every time I see a thread like this, all kinds of BWs show up and defend the WWs.

Contrarily, I don't think I've ever seen a BH defend WH for anything.