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Regarding HRT and breast cancer, what i’ve read, it triples your chances of getting it AND it’s harder to detect because it changes Breast density that mammograms can’t detect, meaning its late stage cancer detected once its spread to other parts of the body.

Now a few years ago, i saw a genetic specialist for DNA testing for the defective BRAC gene. When my sister and I were told we did not have the defective gene - we cheered and hugged each other. But then the doctor said “so congratulations, you have the same 1 in 8 chance of getting breast cancer as every other woman out there.’

So if without HRT my chances were 1 in 8 and with it my chances are tripled...and won’t be detected until it’s metastasized to another part of my body, nearly ensuring i die from late stage cancer...is that truly the price you’re asking reformed wayward wives to pay for their infidelity? A wife that has become a healthy partner? Who has done the work except she isn’t a porn star in bed?

If she did right by me in good times, biological setbacks become mere par for the course.

But, if she enthusiastically expended

energy having illicit sex in her sexual prime, she'd better be willing to walk over hot coals to make sure I was sexually fulfilled--menopause be damn.

Hypnosis.

Harmone replacement.

Counseling.

Anything.

If she didn't, I'd show her the door.

She can declare her love for you until the cows come home. Action speaks louder than words.

Wow just wow. I get the pain and hurt you guys feel but all I see is hurt talking and in no way a path to healing.

Seriously you think that a woman who cheated should be treated as poorly as you all suggest I suggest you cut your losses and divorce. Menopause is a fact that's biological and happens to every damn woman regardless if she cheated or not. Demanding a WW get drugs and therapy or whatever just to satisfy your sexual desires seems cruel.

I absolutely, positively want BH to recover from infidelity, but it appears that (as I believe Skins has tried to argue in other threads?) it really can only be done through divorce. I just don't see how any WW can meet the kinds of demands that are being stated as necessary. And ok, then that's how it is.

Maybe Redhorse, you should find a new love. And let your wife do the same. It may be more compassionate to both of you. IDK. It seems so.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 5:00 PM, April 2nd (Monday)]

Agree with you, OwningItNow.

Seriously you think that a woman who cheated should be treated as poorly as you all suggest I suggest you cut your losses and divorce.

It's not about how she gets treated, it's about how she treats her BH. And not giving him the same wild sex that she gave her AP is treating her BS less than poorly. It's treating him like shit and emasculating him. No thanks, she did that enough with her selfish A, don't need anymore of that after she's been given the gift of R.

GoldenR, ok. I do not say that you or your feelings are wrong. I say that no woman, given our hormones, bodies, and lives, will be able to meet this demand. So maybe it is truly better to part?

Owning it now- as an MH I hold you in different light. You cheated after your husband betrayed you. There was a driver for your actions, as unhealthy as they may be. Look you honored and respected your husband and he burned the house down first. So I don’t equate your WW actions as true Ww actions..up until your husband was weak fool you were loyal, so your worth was never in question. Unfortunately, had you cheated first, I think I’d see that differently, as many BHs do. It’s harsh, it seems not fair, but it’s real. Infidelity isn’t fair.

And to answer your second question.. I dropped my cheating wife like a hot potato when I came to terms with how I felt. Only wish I didn’t it sooner. I’ll never tolerate a woman who disrespected me, no matter how’s much work she’s has done. That’s just my opinion, ymmv.

Sassy- I see you’re point but, as has been said, if an OM go that porn star sex, sorry not going without it no matter what. BHs want it too, so why should only an OM get to enjoy it... short of having a ww fix her shit and act right, divorce, or cheating himself, how does a BH get the sameness caliber of wild sex the AP did? I’m not advocating even taking treatments... how about just some good old fashioned lube, sexy outfits, catering to the BHs fantasies, and pretending to care? Not so hard

Tough convo I know, but true...

[This message edited by nicenomore at 5:22 PM, April 2nd (Monday)]

It's not about how she gets treated, it's about how she treats her BH. And not giving him the same wild sex that she gave her AP is treating her BS less than poorly. It's treating him like shit and emasculating him. No thanks, she did that enough with her selfish A, don't need anymore of that after she's been given the gift of R.

So how many years after the A does your WW have to be your personal porn star? Ten? Twenty? Just because you give the gift of R doesn't mean she needs to endure being treated like a prostitute. Menopause is going to happen and no matter what you do, physical changes will happen to her. Its Nature.

Demanding she get therapies that could cause her to DIE from Cancer just to satisfy your desire for sex is ridiculous.

GoldenR, ok. I do not say that you or your feelings are wrong. I say that no woman, given our hormones, bodies, and lives, will be able to meet this demand. So maybe it is truly better to part?

Probably so.

The thing is, I am very good friend with a former WW. She cheated on her H many, many years ago. It's been decades. She's in her 60s now. And you know what she told me? She told me and my wife how she fucks her H's brains out every single day. She initiates most of the time bc she knows that he likes that. She wears sexy lingerie. Never does the same routine two days in a row. And she said she does this bc she cheated on him and he deserves it.

Now I'm not saying that everyone can follow this lead. But is asking for passionate sex once or twice a week really so much to ask for?

[This message edited by GoldenR at 5:20 PM, April 2nd (Monday)]

Drgon,

It's not cruelty, but simple fairness and real love.

The affair itself was cruelty.

Again, if she became a porn queen for her AP, she should be willing to swing from the chandeliers for her own husband.

That's love.

Well, i will admit, there have been stories here on SI in my years reading, and when the BH finally tires of expecting unrealistic things from a repentant wayward wife, I cheer. I cheer for the wife. I say it that way, because i rarely hear stories of betrayed wives wanting/expecting/demanding to put things inside their wayward husband’s bodies to extract their pound of flesh. But if a BW had a remorseful husband who was all in except he didn’t want to have shit on their face or objects in his bum...I’d feel the same way.

If you think what your wayward spouse has done deserves possible death...divorce her!!!!! Divorce beats death. But i can think of very few humans who would willingly and knowingly shorten their life to say sorry.

Our spouses did us wrong. If one thinks that the price to pay is their health, then just divorce them. Both of you willl be better off.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:28 PM, April 2nd (Monday)]

Well even as a BW I'll never be able to accept a man demanding sexual stuff from a woman, wife or not, wayward wife or not, to the extreme of putting her own physical health at risk.

A woman experiencing lower sexual desire due to the onset of menopause should not be dragged to her doctor and forced to get hormones just so her drive comes back and she can service her husband like a porn star.

Porn star sex is fake and drives a fake expectation of real sex and love between consenting adults. If you don't think so thats fine but look how many marriages have been destroyed just by porn use.

didn’t want to have shit on their face or objects in his bum

So your definition of passionate sex is being shit on and having foreign objects put inside you?

Bc you're the only one saying anything like that in this thread.

RH says he wants exciting, passionate sex. He mentioned none of that whack stuff you just mentioned.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 5:34 PM, April 2nd (Monday)]

If you think what your wayward spouse has done deserves possible death...divorce her!!!!! Divorce beats death. But i can think of very few humans who would willingly and knowingly shorten their life to say sorry.

We have taken this far beyond the level that I think anyone intended here. Yes, I did say, and I stand by; I would take hormone treatments that may shorten my life to keep my sex drive alive. And a lot of guys make that decision every day, taking Viagra with a weak heart, for example.

But, come on people, nobody is saying "get cancer for me". Nobody is even "demanding" the wife gets on hormones. What we are saying, if you were able to whip up sex on demand for the OM, you better be able to do it for us. And, yes, it probably is "forever". Is that really so bad? It's sex we're talking about, not a run through hot coals here. Some lube, if needed, and a positive attitude to pleasuring another person you love is all it really takes.

Reading these threads makes me think that a lot of women see sex as worse than a chore, it's more like a punishment. Which is not how I have ever seen it; I'd be the happiest person alive if I'd had an A and my "punishment" was more and kinkier sex. Even if I couldn't get it up, darn right I'd figure out something, Viagra, a needle in the penis; or just plenty of time orally pleasing my W. It's not that hard, and it does really bring me closer to her, even if it's just her having an orgasm and not me (although, granted, that is rare, but will become more common as I age).

This thread and the 50 pager we had before just show me how differently men and women view sex. The only way to "punish" me with sex is to not have it with me. It seems that for a lot of women, the only way to "not punish" them is to never have sex again.

It's just a huge gap between the sexes, and, is probably at the root of a tremendous number of male/female issues.

Without taking sides, the one thing this dialog is proof of is the absolute hell that betraying your spouse creates. How deep the torment and how terrible is the cruelty that the self entitled cheater delivers to their M and BS.

No matter how difficult is is to read these types of threads, they paint an accurate picture of the utter chaos and destruction left in the wake of an A.

I completely understand the rational of any BS to demand at least the equal of what was given to an AP, but demanding it does not mean the WS is able to give it. Sometimes all that can be chosen is the lesser of evils.

You both missed the point completely.

If she was adventurous and uninhibited with loverboy, she should be willing to go the extra mile to sexually fulfill her husband--particularly if it helps him heal.

I've basically given up on looking for my libido again. Too many years... too much destruction... too much water under the bridge. This one does not feel any connection during sex, but I will have sex for sex sake and it is exciting and passionate, just no connection. That ship sailed years ago after the birth of our kids and his first A.

Pre-A my WH has always had a high libido and mine was normal bordering on low because of past sexual childhood abuse. The more my WH would threaten or talk about it the more I didn't want it. Eventually this led to his A's where he filled his needs that way I guess... and here we are!

It's just a huge gap between the sexes, and, is probably at the root of a tremendous number of male/female issues.

Yes. And the part before what I quoted is very true for me. Sex is a.punishment alot of the time. Being fucking pounded to the point of pain just so he gets off is not pleasure. And point in fact I AM into pain. Just not THAT type.

I see a.man demanding sex as a power play meant to subject me to harm and being submissive to him. I was molested and raped. Sex happens on MY terms now. Sex may never be used to exert dominamce over me ever again.

If WH wants sex he better damn well show me his love for me, focus on my more than just getting me wet enough for him to fuck.

Of all he wants is to get off then the fake vagina is in a box under the bed. And yes I've told him to go at it and leave me the hell alone. So far he hasn't used it...

I was into it last night. Wanting. He said he was tired and was all for waiting if I didn't mind. I didn't pout and throw a hissy fit... He wasn't in the mood. That's ok. Tonight. Well neither of us can wait for the kids to go to bed lol

Sex happens on MY terms now. Sex may never be used to exert dominamce over me ever again.

Amen DragnHeart I'm soooo with you on this.

The threads where I cheer involve degrading activities. RH says husband wife has sex with him. She doesn’t deny him sex. If that’s not enough - then leave. We are all responsible for our own happiness. If you are unhappy - then change what is making you miserable. I was unhappy in my marriage before his A. So I found fulfillment in my children - my job. I planned on divorcing eventually before the A because my children would soon have their own lives.

Now post A? If my husband starts contributing misery to my life, I’ll file. It will cost me a bundle in alimony but I refuse to be unhappy in my marriage again.

So your sex life sucks? You can’t get what’s important from your wayward? Leave. It will be scary. It will seem daunting. But do it. Maybe you’ll learn post divorce to prioritize your needs.