SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'll try to keep this short.

About a year ago, my then 3yo son was diagnosed with Leukemia. This is the sort of news that is life altering. The first month of treatment was a daze between all the new information, flying to a larger hospital, not knowing if he was going to be ok etc.

The first month was done in Denver. My wife and I spent the first 10 days there getting aclimated to what would surely change our lives. I rotated out at that point with her family to be home with our daughter and get the house prepared for our son to come home later in the month.

That period of time was tough, we were both stressed out for lots of reasons. We were getting well wishes from every different angle as well. Lots of times these would get us through the day. Well, my wife got too attached to someone. For most of the last year I thought she got caught up with someone in the wake of this. I've since learned she started talking/googling him about a month before.

When everyone got back home, things were off. I thought it was the stress of our son. Little did I realize she was having an EA. I never suspected, in fact I was telling her to get out with friends and such. Well she started to do that. She was coming home sloppy drunk and not being herself. At first, I thought she was blowing off steam. Then I noticed she was getting extra weird with her phone. I eventually checked it and saw she was texting/deleting with a co-worker. This continued to escalate. Eventually she came home via Uber, and this guy, sloppy drunk. The next morning he was texting her that he loved her and wouldn't bring her home to her husband etc. She responded that she wanted to be with him. Insert trauma number 2. D-Day October 4, 2017.

It's been a long road since then...She continued to see him despite our somewhat separation. Hard to be away when your son has cancer. I don't know how I've stayed so far. I love my family but we're not doing well

I'm constantly blamed, and gaslighted. I've realized I have some codependent tendencies. Eventually made our way to MC which still hasn't jolted my wife to rejoin the partnership.

I don't think the affair is still ongoing at this point. It took a long time for her to even admit that that's what it was.

My wife isn't in it at this point. I'm left with a million questions. She won't talk about it. We sleep in separate rooms. She has never been one to pursue me and now is no different other than I can't and won't bring myself to chase her.

I feel broken. I'm staring down the barrel of a divorce as I feel I've exhausted all other options. My poor kids... They don't deserve this, they're dealing with enough already.

Currently feel stuck. MC didn't do Jack to help. I'm going to meet with the counselor 1 on 1 to hopefully figure out wtf happened. I continue my IC as it gives me a place to vent at least.

Life has been really hard. Where is this all mighty God when you need him.

Thanks for reading, obviously glossed over a lot, but that's the jist

I'm really sorry for all you're going through. I hope the little guy is doing better.

The rest of it makes me want to punch a wall so I'll just tap out now.

MC is the wrong move at this point. MC will only work with two partners who are committed to working out the marriage. She is checked out. You should discontinue MC indefinitely.

Have a read through the JFO pages. The main task of a BH is to work on yourself and find your truth. You need to practice what they call the 180 and prepare yourself for a life without her.

I'm sorry you're in this place in your life. My heart goes out to you.

I don't think the affair is still ongoing at this point. It took a long time for her to even admit that that's what it was.

My wife isn't in it at this point. I'm left with a million questions. She won't talk about it. We sleep in separate rooms. She has never been one to pursue me and now is no different other than I can't and won't bring myself to chase her.

Don't be surprised it's gone underground. Life sometimes isn't fair but you still have to deal with it.

Becoming a martyr won't help you much.

LD2017

First, I hope your little one is responding well to the treatment and getting better. I have a 3 year old daughter and can't imagine what your going through. On rare occasions a story here makes my heart hurt. Yours is one. I can only wish peace and strength for all of you.

On top of your son's illness you are also dealing with your wife's infidelity. I assume it's physical from what you posted. So, some people don't have the adult coping skills to deal with trauma in their life. Maybe that's your wife maybe it isn't. I don't know based on what you posted.

Either way, nothing related to you is the reason for her actions (affair) so try and detach mentally from those thoughts. MC is extremely over-rated especially when one party isn't being honest and doesn't invest in the process.

I don't have any panacea or recommendation that will stop the hurt and confusion you're experiencing right now. The best I can offer is focus on your children. The affair and your wife can be put on the back-burner for the time being. You have enough on your plate as it is. Quit MC and concentrate on IC for yourself. If you are strong and healthy, you can be there for your children and be there to guide them through whatever happens.

Wishing you peace and praying for your son

isitme24

I remember listening to Dave Ramsey talking to a father whose child had cancer. Although he was giving him financial information I think the underlying message would serve you well. Put aside everything except the most basic. Look after your children. If you wife has already left emotionally then accept that she is gone. You need to be stable and healthy. You need to be a dad first before you are anything else. Put aside your sorrow right now. You can look at it later. You need to be the best father you can be, the best provider you can be. Everything else can be put aside for now.

I am thinking about you. I will pray for your children.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 8:55 PM, June 4th (Monday)]

My son is doing well. It's a 3.5 year treatment though

I suppose it's possible the affair is ongoing but don't feel it is. That doesn't mean she's giving her emotional side to someone else.

There's a bit of PA to this as well. The most I've heard is they've kissed and won't tell me more but is adamant they didn't have sex...I believe her but I'm not naive too

Is there anywhere else to get info on the 180 besides the FAQ?

First, big hugs. Being a carer for a cancer patient you love dearly is just shit. There's no other word for it (BTDT, so hugs).

You'll find loads of useful info in the Healing Library (in the yellow box, top left). Don't think you've got to the wrong place because you see as whole bunch of FAQs - at the top of the page there are section heads to guide you to info that will help.

You'll get through this, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

I have no advice to give, only heartfelt thoughts and prayers for you and your dear little son. Your story broke my heart. I cannot imagine the stress you are going through. Do you have a support system of friends to talk to IRL?

Your WW is a selfish shit to be doing this to you and her kids at this time. Lower than low. I actually feel angry inside reading about her behavior. ALL cheaters suck but she is truly the bottom of the barrel. A mom in this situation should be giving ALL her energy to getting her baby healed right now - nothing else but her family should matter. What kind of a mother gets has an A during this kind of crisis?? I hope she can see the truth of her actions and want to change and become remorseful.

Sorry, just really feeling pain for your suffering right now.

Go to the Just Found Out forum. There are several long threads about the 180. Also, check out the resources in the Healing Library (in the yellow box on the top left).

You'l get a lot more help if you move this thread to the JFO forum. One thing you'll hear is that it is normal for cheaters to lie and minimize, especially about sex. Usually, if a cheater says they "just kissed," that is a lie.

Wow man, what a tough situation, my heart goes out to you. First off, best of luck with the little guy. As others said, that needs to be the focus here; he needs you to be strong for him.

Your wife, from what you've written, is a mess. She has a reason to be a mess, but not an excuse to do what she did. You need to start to detach from her, she's not giving you anything that even indicates she wants to R, let alone a glimmer of remorse. Start D proceedings, you can stop them at any time, but she needs to see, right now, that this crap has to stop.

As someone else said, don't be a martyr. You know what happens to martyrs? They get burned at the stake and skewered on the battlefield. Sacrificing your life for someone who doesn't care (your W) is a terrible way to live. Either fix it with her or D; staying in an unhappy marriage isn't fair to you or your son.

There's a bit of PA to this as well. The most I've heard is they've kissed and won't tell me more but is adamant they didn't have sex...I believe her but I'm not naive too

I'm surprised I'm the first to say this, but you have to prepare yourself for more. The instances when there's physical proximity in an A but not sex are nearly unheard of. And "kissing" but not sex? I'm honestly not sure if I've ever seen a single A that was more than a "one night drunken kiss with someone I just met" that ever met that criteria. Assume they had sex and make your decisions based on that. If it's a deal breaker for you, then just start to move towards D. Women, in general, lie about sex where men, in general, lie about the emotional involvement. But the "kissing but no sex" is the starting point for most of the betrayed husbands here; that's what we got first, which turned into "touching over clothes" then "touching under clothes" and ends with some godawful painful stuff that I won't put into your head yet, but, you have to prepare yourself for it and act as if it's happened, because, in all likelyhood it did.

We're all here for you man, keep your head held high, not just for you, but also for your son..

Hey LD

What a shit-sandwich you have on your plate…

When dealing with crisis one method is to prioritize and then work on things in the correct order. I am going to suggest the following:

1) Your son. I know it’s a long-term treatment, but are you focused on him having the best you can offer? Remember – it’s not “only” money, but also does he have a stable environment (all things considered), love, attention, discipline and all the other things young boys thrive on.

2) YOU. Are YOU getting the help you need? Eating? Exercising? Sleeping? Socializing? Working? Coping? Do you have the support you need? Doing IC?

A slightly distant third is the marriage… Deal with the above two factors and it makes you more capable and able to deal with your marriage.

I understand that you want to keep things together for your son right now.

Not sure if you'd seen this excellent post by SerJR regarding the various aspects of the 180?

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/text.forums.asp?tid598080&ap1#message7763839

I found it really helpful in my situation (IHS) for detaching from my unremorseful spouse, and gathering my own emotional powers. This might be helpful for you for the immediate future.

I do wish you and both your children well.

Please keep reading around the site.

Please keep posting, there are lots of us here who would like to support you.

Hugs and strength to you,

MOB

Today has been hard. The emotional neglect that I'm having to endure sucks....sure makes the 180 hard to perform. I'm holding out for a little bit longer. Need to see if the IC she is going to will create some momentum...I'm surprised she set it up actually. Afraid to ask her about it as she'll find some way to make it a fight.

How do you deal with the neglect and lack of intimacy, both physical and emotional.

Oh the cycles of anxiety and depression....

How do you deal with the neglect and lack of intimacy, both physical and emotional.

The 180

Since she's not remorseful the only way you deal with it is by starting to detach from her. You deal with the neglect by doing the hard 180.

You talk only about what is absolutely necessary and ignore her otherwise..

You are in such a hard place, do you have a faith? I asked if you had a support system but you didn't answer that.

To survive what is going on in your life you NEED support. I find that support in God and a few trusted IRL counselors. Please find that for yourself. No human can emotionally survive what you are going through without help.

[This message edited by kaygem at 2:21 PM, June 5th (Tuesday)]

I've got a bit of a support system. A few friends I talk to. I've also been in IC for a while. Helps sometimes...

Just rather lonely. My family is my life. I get out when I feel the need but that hasn't been much.

LD

It's ok to feel lonely. It's ok to feel sad. It's ok to be angry and confused. It's sucks but feeling those things, being inflective, and analyzing those feelings will make you stronger.

I know you said your WW refuses to talk about the affair and you are essentially separated in-house but have you asked her if she wants to divorce?

A WW stone-walling or lying about an affair is normal but just separating without discussing divorce is not.

isitme24

It is totally normal for a BH to feel lonely and alone. That is ubiquitous among married people whose spouses betray them.

LD

I think your situation is too serious to allow to slip to page 2 obscurity this fast…

I’m not going to even pretend to fully understand what you are going through. What I can share with you is that my wife and I went through an extended period where our son was battling for life and health. That included his first six months spent in Pre-natal ICU where we were repeatedly told his chances of survival were minimal and the odds of him being physically and mentally healthy close to non-existent.

This sort of stuff causes extreme stress on marriages and the individuals in the marriages. It can push people together, it can push people apart.

Add to that your wife’s decision (and yes – it is a decision. Affairs don’t just happen) to have an affair.

All the above should be causing you such immense pain and bewilderment. Dealing with one of the above would be extremely tough. Dealing with both… No LD – I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes.

But fact is YOU are in your shoes. You are dealing with what you are dealing with. Furthermore – due to your son – you NEED to deal with what you have been dealt with as best as you can.

This is what I suggest:

Focus on two things: Your son and you.

This is not ignoring the affair or your marriage, but it is building YOU up so you can deal with all that in the best way.

But consider an action plan somehow like this:

Research divorce in your state. What would it look like? Don’t go to some over pessimistic site telling you dads never get custody, nor some optimistic site telling you her affair guarantees you everything. Do some REAL and REALISTIC research. Get your facts straight.

This is NOT me telling you to divorce. This is me telling you to put on your seat-belt before setting off on a drive. It’s a precaution. It’s knowing what one end-result might be. With that knowledge, I am certain it won’t be as frightening as you might imagine it right now.

Focus on your son. Make sure there is a stable, caring schedule for him. Try to eliminate uncertainty and variance so it’s clear who picks him up from daycare on Mondays, who takes him to play-date on Tuesday, who bathes him on a Friday and so on. Her actions don’t (necessarily) make her a bad parent. Use her advantages to your son’s advantage. But try to have as stable and steady an environment as possible for him.

Focus on YOU. With the above schedule, you can find time to do stuff for yourself. No need to sit around playing happy dysfunctional family until son is asleep and then you both go to sleep in separate rooms. Use the time constructively. Exercise, improve your tennis or golf. Read. Fix the house. Detail the car.

Take great care in your personal appearance. It does wonder for your sense of slef-worth.

Try as you can to be happy. I know… probably doesn’t feel like you have any reason to be happy. But honestly – IF this ends in divorce it’s OK. If this ends in Reconciliation then that too is OK. The ONLY bad end is if you two remain where you are for eternity.

I also encourage you to let your wife know that you are moving on. It’s not necessarily moving on out of the marriage, but rather you are moving on out of sadness and infidelity.

“Wife. I think our son deserves that we try to find whatever it was that made us want to get married. I think that as a husband and wife we can do the best for us as a family. But I have also realized that not being married is not the worst possible outcome of the present situation. What is immensely worse is remaining in infidelity.

I refuse to share you. I refuse to remain indefinitely in infidelity. I am starting the lengthy process of getting out of infidelity. Until and unless you verbally tell me in an obvious way that you want this marriage then I’m simply assuming it’s over.

There is no rush. There is a process for this all. I will move along at the speed I want. You can come along if you want to, but be aware that at some point I might be so far ahead that you can’t catch me.”

And then go wash the car. Watch a movie. Play with son.

If she says “Well… We could be happy if you didn’t have bad breath (or whatever excuse she puts there) your stock reply is:

“Thank you for sharing. If we were working on the marriage then this is something we might address. I don’t necessarily agree with you but since you are committed to your infidelity then there really isn’t any gain for either of us to address this issue”

And then you go whistle a tune.

Focus on the factors in your environment that can help your son and that you can control. Focus on YOU. See where that will lead you.

Oh – last but not least:

My premature son that had no hope of life or health?

He’s on his second year in Engineering and in the top 10% of his class.

The docs were right… at five he had to get glasses for near-sightedness.

[This message edited by Bigger at 8:21 AM, June 7th (Thursday)]