SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So my wife left her laptop open, and her email page was just sitting there open. I haven't snooped through her stuff in over a year (Dday was Nov 2016), mostly because I quit giving a fuck. But I figured "fuck it", and took a peak. There was an email from her best friend, the title of which was simply my first name. Now, I really do HAVE to look!

Basically, after all this time, she finally confessed her A to her best friend. This friend also cheated on her husband years ago, got divorced, and then several years later got back together with him. Their back'n'forth conversation did not make any mention of the sexual component of the A. I think my WW has pretty much blocked that out of her memory. She just talked about the EA and how she was manipulated and humiliated by the AP in the end. Her friend was very supportive, and asked how our marriage is now.

My WW says that I have been so amazing, her rock through all this. That she wouldn't have been able to get over her humiliation without my support and love. That our marriage is better than ever, and that we have moved on, in such a better place now, etc. Basically, she was the victim, and I was her rock that got her through. She didn't mention to her friend the part about her sucking and fucking the OM. Pointless details, right?

My WW has no idea that I'm planning to D her in a couple years (I'm waiting for mostly financial reasons). The A is bad enough, but the rug sweeping is what truly pisses me off. I recently realized that she is never going to be what I want/need her to be. I can't live with a roommate wife for the rest of my life. Our MC told us that we need to focus not on the past, but on building our future. That's what W is doing. She gets to go back to life as it was before the A. To argue about the A is to wallow in the past. How convenient for her. The only times I feel optimistic about the future are when I imagine her not in it. Once I finally let myself think about what a D would look like, it's been all I want to do.

I am curious whether you have told her about your sexual dissatisfaction? The cornerstone of R is transparent communication, but that transparency needs to come from both the BH and the WW. If the BH has not clearly stated his needs for R, how can the WW know what they are?

I have told her about sexual dissatisfaction. It either goes 1 of 2 ways. Either;

1. No, there's no problem with our sex life, you just expect too much because you watch too much porn (not true)

2. I will try to do better (never tries to do better)

But I'm pretty much over that at this point. I already know that she's never going to put any effort into our sex life. She's just giving me some because that's what good wives are supposed to do. And since I am a typical man, with my immature need for sex, she will continue to allow me to have sex with her. It's a chore to her, much like doing the dishes. But I no longer care.

What I'm more upset about now is just how she seems to have rewritten the past a little bit about her A, and how she is using this "move forward" business as a convenient crutch to not have to talk about it. Now if I bring it up, I'm the asshole that's not letting her move on with her life. She doesn't see it yet, but neither of us are going to be able to move on until we are separated permanently.

What type of rug sweeping went on? Did she do any work?

Seeing that email would have made me furious enough to respond to the best friend with the real details. I don't know how you didn't blow up. Good job, Fenderguy!

You're focused on winning the long-game and that's something I have a lot of respect for, and no, you don't have to reconcile. You don't even have to be honest about it, in my opinion. She wasn't honest with you while she was getting what she wanted. You shouldn't have to make your future vulnerable just to tell a liar the truth.

Just make sure you're focused on leaving, if that's what you really want to do. You run the risk of staying miserable and in place, wasting precious years of your life when you could be rebuilding.

Have you spoken with a lawyer yet? Started collecting financial documents? Are you seeing an IC to help deal with your exit?

I could have written that pretty much word for word Fenderguy. After Dday, I locked WW out of my bank accounts in a fury and changed passwords on my phone / computers etc. I haven't let her in and she has since locked me out of all her devices although doesn't know I can still see her emails and search history.....

Some R huh? You say she left it open. Does she usually close and lock it? That's not R in any way. I also noticed that my wife turned off lock screen notifications on her phone and she did this after I did as I caught her a few times flicking through them while I was supposedly asleep.

I don't know if she thinks we are 'working on things' but like you, nothing about my future has her in it and I also need to get finances sorted.

It's odd how so many stories and patterns are so similar on here and yet our waywards will tell us we are the crazy ones.

My WW has no idea that I'm planning to D her in a couple years (I'm waiting for mostly financial reasons). The A is bad enough, but the rug sweeping is what truly pisses me off.

This is very understandable.

Although, do you really want to spend two more years living like this - and then file for divorce?

The divorce itself, after filing, can take a year, two years, or more.

That’s two years of healing, rebuilding, and moving on to a happier, sane, and content life on your own and subsequently with someone who has character and integrity.

In the meantime, you are enduring this slow-moving nightmare.

However you go about it, I hope you are able to get yourself away from your WW’s world of infidelity and all the irrational bullshit that it consists of.

You see this so much

MC = rugsweep

Why bother. You Can rugsweep at no charge.

Plus it’s s get off Scott free card for the wayward

I find that with our MC. No progress is being made. Just, you have to move on and oddly it seems to be all about the ways I have to change. Fuck it, I don't want to. I'm the one who doesn't break up families. I don't want to live in a world where that is OK.

MC to me seems to be all about smoothing things over. I want to blow things up!

I don't understand why you tolerate it. You did the 180 so hard and it seems now you just resigned yourself to misery. My husband basically said I need to fix myself (no MC). He had requirements I had to meet and expectations what our marriage would look like. I either agreed or I could go. And I have met every expectation with a freaking smile on my face.

We have two little kids, a home, finances and assets. None of those are reasons to stay in misery.

Well, she asked me if I would on the basis that we could be more friendly even if we D. I went on that basis but it's clear now that it's not the motive at all. I did insist on her doing IC after Dday. I did but she refused as there was 'nothing wrong with her'. She is now but says she gets nothing from it.

So, we sit there in MC and it keeps coming back to this question of what needs to change in order for the M to work and I just sit there in silence because in truth what needs to change is that WW needs to be a different person because I just don't want to be married to her any more.

My comment was for Fenderguy but applies to you too Lawyerman!

Please note that your wayward wife may be projecting how she wants things to be to her friend. Reality and what my WW projects via electronic messaging to others do not intersect. The truth is not something she chooses to depict to her friends. Perhaps this is true of your WW.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 2:12 PM, July 21st (Saturday)]

I just want to say I get it.

I knew I would divorce after first DDay. It was simply a dealbreaker. I, too, stayed for a while. Four years, to be exact. I was trying to get youngest graduated from high school. We weren't fighting so it was doable. What kept me sane was the vision of the future - without him in it. I clung to that during difficult moments. Xhole thought we were R and everything swept under the rug. Not allowed to discuss it because we let bygones be bygones. Uh huh. The joke was on him though.

Alas, he couldn't keep his pants zipped. The last DDay and confrontation is when I reached my limit. Kicked him out and we were D 6.5 months later.

Everyone needs to follow their own path, but when you see things like what you saw (for me it was stumbling upon more evidence) it is a kick in the teeth and definitely challenges your resolve. Just try to take some comfort in knowing there is an end, and keep your eyes on the big picture. Keep taking steps toward that end with financial documents, asset inventory, etc. You'll be glad you did.

Hang in there!

My comment was for Fenderguy but applies to you too Lawyerman!

Well, I guess if Fenderman is anything like me he has made a decision to go through this suffering for a better future. Short term pain and all. I'm mid 40s so feel I have enough energy to start again in life.

It just rung a bell with me as my WW wants to just 'go back' to some point where all the bad stuff isn't there. Why would she want to live with someone who has so much resentment for her and probably always will have?

Why would she want to live with someone who has so much resentment for her and probably always will have?

That ^^^ was a thought that ran thru my mind regularly. I thought, he HAD to know I truly resent his betrayal, right? I'm not that good of an actress to completely come off as if all was right and back to "normal!" Surely he knows it's a pretense!

What I came to realize is that he just doesn't care. As long as it doesn't affect him directly it was all good in his world. He also took it to mean I was willing to look the other way to any new shenanigans (which he confirmed after our D). What it showed him is that there were no real consequences. Sure, I cried, yelled, broke down, and got angry. But he thought all he had to do was placate me and ride out the storm. In my case, MY actions (or lack thereof) spoke much louder than my words.

He eventually learned just how wrong his assumptions were once my actions spoke clear and loud.

I guess to me, there is no freaking way I would be under the delusion that I was in R and my marriage was better than ever unless my Husband was showing me it was. I don't think that now at 18 months past dday, even with me putting in all the work, I would never think that we were doing well unless there was a tangible reason to.

This isn't the first time Fender has mentioned his wife is happy and content in the current marriage, so it tells me he isn't pushing her to make her change, he isn't requiring it. I understand the idea of just not having the energy or desire anymore, but there is a difference between detaching and doing you while you bide time, compared to pretending everything is ok and letting your wife think it is. Not saying you are doing that, but I find it hard to believe she can be that out of touch.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 4:15 PM, July 21st (Saturday)]

If she's like my WW and I tell her everything is not OK, it would trigger a flurry of activity, more pleading for MC, long and uncomfortable discussions, sulking, sad faces and so on. But no real work. I could give her a list of requirements. The main one would be 'be someone else' which is not really practical. She wouldn't get any of them anyway and would argue that they were my issues, not hers. Blah.

My WW has no idea that I fully intend to D. I have told her but it doesn't go in. I am simply not in a position to leave yet as I've put everything into joint names etc. I don't see why I should lose everything because she can't control myself. I could very easily pretend it was all fine and she would totally buy it. It would be the exact same marriage with the exact same problems as before. But she would be OK with that.

What I see here is the obvious. She probably does know how you really feel and is trying to project change. Sounds to me as if she sent that email and left laptop open on purpose, hoping you would read it. More manipulation?

Good luck.

What I see here is the obvious. She probably does know how you really feel and is trying to project change. Sounds to me as if she sent that email and left laptop open on purpose, hoping you would read it. More manipulation?

This is my point. She isn't dumb. And there is no way she can be that clueless to think your marriage is better and doing well. I think she knows whats up but chooses to act the way she is acting. For all you know she could be biding her time too. Her actions don't match up with a remorseful spouse.