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I agree with sassylee that you need to start as you mean to go on. If he isn't changing anything for you then that should be the same treatment for him. It's about protecting yourself and your emotional health instead of his.

I know that you are right! I have to stop accommodating his requests for changes. In his delusional mind he thinks that his relationship is more important to our son than mine.

My son is starting therapy this Saturday and I’m nervous about it. Our court decisions are not in writing yet so really I don’t have that on paper for law enforcement etc. this is a frustrating time and I still wish that this was all just a bad dream

My son started therapy yesterday. I think it went well for a first visit. I’m trying to create a support system for him that he can access when he needs to talk about his feelings. This therapist works closely with the school counselors and she sees lots of kids who are navigating the fallout from infidelity. My X doesn’t want him in therapy I’m very thankful that the court has made him agree to it. I have child support court again on Monday. Praying the support order becomes permanent and that we can increase the amount as I found out he is hiding 20,000 dollars of extra income!

Judges get a little grouchy about hiding money like that.

I had a judge call him a jerk. Still one of my favorite memories.

You've got this. Sending you my bitchiest bitch boots!

There's a group called Divorce Care that has classes for divorced and separated people to attend. It it faith-based but in a very low key way (I have strong faith but no "religion" so I'm OK with it). Anyway, some of them also have activities for the kids during the parents' classes. Your son would probably like it if it's like the one here because they all appear to be in his same age range.

And, this is pure conjecture on my part but from reading between the lines, if your partner uses alcohol or drugs, you and your son would find great help and solace with AlAnon and AlaTeen. It's the only program I know of that can help us learn how to cope with crazy.

There are many ways to do Alanon if you can't get to a meeting or if you have trouble finding a group you connect with; there are podcasts and videos and lots of resources online for reading. I listen to the podcasts when I'm driving.

And, last but not least, another thing that has helped me is learning a couple of different breathing exercises to help prevent an oncoming panic or anxiety attack and another that helps me keep my mind where I want it. Those are something he can learn to do without anyone noticing he's calming himself.

I'm a big skeptic but I even broke down and bought some of the calming essential oils. And I have some mindfulness apps. The jury is out on those but many people swear by them so those might be ideas to help you and your son.

My heart breaks for you and your son. I don't come to this forum very often because even though I'm a non-violent person who can hardly smack a fly, I could beat the brains out of parents who cheat.

It always makes me remember a thing I read a long time ago: The best thing a father do for his children is to love their mother.

Your's son's father is a failure. A huge failure. A FAILURE. Don't engage with him. No most discussing anything and if you need to, use the court's email system for communicating with him. Others on here have often said that you not even read his texts or emails that don't go through the court. If you see you've received a text or email while he has your son, don't read it, just write back "Is DS OK?"

Anything else he has to say he can go pound sand.

[This message edited by josiep at 8:59 AM, October 14th (Sunday)]

Your responses to his rants can be used against you. If it’s not about your son, do not engage. Crickets.

Check with your attorney about using a court designated system for contact. Do not engage through phone either. Not sure what state you are in, but he does not need permission to tape your calls if it’s a one party state.

You have 14 years into this relationship. You have rights.

Thanks everyone I’ll update tomorrow

Hello everyone I’m going to court again tomorrow morning. That will be 4 times in the month of October alone! Last time he wouldn’t agree to child support terms and his medical insurance info was missing so it was adjourned until tomorrow. If he isn’t prepared tomorrow this will go to trial! I am hoping it doesn’t because I’m paying for a lawyer and his is free court appointed. I’m so frustrated. I was tucking my son into bed tonight and he told me that his dad finally told him that he has a sibling coming and that he wants him to love her! My son said he didn’t know what to say so he just listened and that his Dad tried to candy coat it for him. Tried to make it seem normal and shared his happiness about it. This is such an f’d up situation. I told my son he has choices and that he doesn’t have to have a relationship with anyone but his Dad if that’s what he’s feeling. My son already has four step siblings from my previous marriage. I pointed out the differences to him by simply saying your Dad and I were single when we started dating and had you. We were not betraying anyone else or hiding our relationship. What your Dad has done is morally wrong. Your Dad is not in a stable relationship, he’s having a

baby with an affair partner and they have been living together for 3 months! I also told him that the law guardian and social worker are listening to him and he needs to tell the truth about how he feels and not try to please his Dad.

In court tomorrow we are going to try to be done with custody, child support, and his unessessay order of protection against me! I’m hoping for a good outcome and to finally be done with this joker and to move on with my life!

((((Mojojo))), stay strong, you've got this !

Hoping for success tomorrow and these issues will be resolved.

You STBXH sounds like a real prize and certainly is fully versed in child psychology too. Telling your son “to love this child” is such a selfish thing to do.

He may as well have told you to love the OW. Idiot!!!!

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:38 PM, October 30th (Tuesday)]

Hey Mojojo, just wanted to let you know you're not alone. My wayward ex-wife (WXW I suppose would be the appropriate acronym) left me for her AP who she was pregnant by when she told me she wanted a divorce, and is now married to him. Our DD (yes, she is mine) was also crushed and still doesn't understand why mommy and daddy live in different houses and why mommy lives with a different man now. It's fucking heartbreaking and there's no way to explain it to her because she's still so young and can't understand. I'm also worried about what will happen when she is old enough, because I've already decided that I'm not going to hide the truth from her. What happens when she finds out what her mother did, and how her stepfather came to be in her life? And her half-brother? How's that going to work? Fuck my stupid cheating whore of an ex-wife for putting us all in this situation because her dumb ass thought it'd be easier to avoid her problems by starting up a new marriage instead of putting in the work to improve the one she already had. She already put me through hell, and now she's set up my DD to suffer the same down the road.

I didn't have the pleasure of finding out on my birthday, but she did tell me she wanted divorce less than a week after the three of us took a weekend trip together for my birthday. That she planned and surprised me with. She had all kinds of reasons why she wanted divorce, and conveniently all of them were my fault. I found out about the A not long after.

In the immediate aftermath, the only thing that kept me sane was throwing myself into work and playing as much golf as possible and staying far far away from the worthless waste of flesh that is my WXW. Golf has always been something of a sanctuary for me, when I'm out there I can just concentrate on the game and not think about anything else. My mother and my siblings were a huge help. My brother spent lots of time with me during those first few months after DDay and I spent hours and hours on the phone with my mom. I don't know what I'd have done without them.

I think another thing that helped was that our marriage had already been rocky for a couple of years and I was growing increasingly frustrated with her. She is conflict avoidant to the extreme and it made it impossible to talk through problems because she just pretended like there weren't any. I wasn't entertaining thoughts of divorce, but she was definitely no longer on the pedestal I'd placed her on during dating and when we were newlyweds. I tried to get her into MC, but she wasn't interested because according to her everything was fine just like always.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with the courts. My WXW's parents basically shamed her into making things easy for me. We split the equity on the house, split the furniture and appliances without much difficulty, each took the car we'd already had when we got married, and agreed to 50/50 custody with no spousal or child support for either of us since our incomes were similar. I never had to set foot in a courtroom and that made a hellish situation easier to endure.

It was about a year before I started to feel somewhat normal again. I don't speak to my WXW unless it's about DD. I don't speak to her husband (it's a disgrace that he's legally allowed that title given how their relationship started) at all. I have no relationship with WXW's son and I'm not really sure how to navigate that mess. But I am doing well these days. I don't ruminate as much, I soak up every minute with DD, I'm dating again, I'm doing well in my job, and I just got a pretty sweet new car. I never did see a therapist, though my brother did recommend it. If you think it'll do you good though, then absolutely see one. I wish you nothing but the best and I also hope you take him for every dime of child support you can.

[This message edited by firenze at 11:06 PM, October 31st (Wednesday)]

Good morning everyone tomorrow we set the clocks back! Wouldn’t it be interesting if we could set them back in time to a date of our choosing? Boy oh boy would I go for a “do over!”

First of all I am so thankful for the life I have, even as messed up as it is because of infidelity. I’ve reasoned that if I theoretically met my WS today for the first time let’s say (at a dog park) and I was interested in getting to know him better so we went out for a first date, once he revealed how his last relationship ended and I found out he cheated in his past there would be no second date.

Going forward I have to put my emotions aside and trade them in for reality! He has revealed his true character and I could never look up to him, trust him, or adore him again.

It’s been 6 months of hell! WS picked up our son for visitation yesterday evening and I went out for a very long walk with the dog. I felt so much peace and freedom for the first time in years. The wind was blowing softly and I felt the soothing release of tension from the rhythm of my footsteps! I think I’m going to take up walking as a mental health regime. I came back from my walk with a clear head and sense of well being that I haven’t felt in a very long time.

Court update from Monday:

We came to agreements about visitation and custody finally and the bogus order of protection was dropped down to a refrain from! The best part about court was how the judge

blasted him verbally. I wanted to keep the weekend hours for visitation from 1pm to 6 pm because our son does activities and my WS is never on time so I was trying to protecting my

son from being late to everything. The judge looked at him and said “no sir” if your son has activities at an early hour and it’s your day you will be on time for pic up and responsible for getting him places on time!” Then he looked at me and said “ when does she get to sleep in?””I think this mother could use a break as she does everything for this child while you have all the fun” then He said “if you keep bringing him home late on a school night and his homework isn’t done she’s going to come back in here, file a petition and you will lose your visitation privileges!” Also the judge ruled no visitation with his new baby momma present, no over nights and mandatory therapy for my son. His readiness for acceptance of his fathers new life will be determined by a therapist. My x can’t petition the court for changes to his visitation for a year! I really feel so thankful that my sons true needs were addressed during this process

And the judge ruled in his favor. As for child support poor poor dumb dumb forgot he had to bring his medical insurance info

In again! The judge is giving him one more chance though before moving it to trial. We would have been done with it all but he’s so irresponsible. Each time I go to court I lose money! Grocery money! Necessary for living money! It’s so frustrating. I signed up for and I recommend those co-parenting apps for communication as well. I’m using one called two houses. I can keep track of everything on there from child support, my reimbursement of expenses, visitation calendar, events, pictures of my son, documents and more! I’m only texting him using my phone number if it’s an

emergency. My friend called me up and congratulated me on how fast I got through the courts! It took her 2 years and me 6 months! Looking forward now....just looking forward.

Thank you everyone for reading my posts and for helping me get through this. You have all been so very kind and helpful. I really attribute SI community for saving me from wasting time on things that don’t matter. Your advice and sharing your mistakes and wisdom has accelerated me through this evil 👿

I don’t think that I would have had the courage to separate my self from infidelity only after knowing about it for 2 weeks if I hadn’t read about the hard 180 in the healing library. It literally saved my life!

Sounds like you had an awesome judge who validated you and your son!

There's something really affirming about having a judge put the ex in their place like that, isn't there?

Anytime you start to feel down or when your ex starts being a real ass again, just remember what this judge said to remind yourself that you are not the crazy person in the wrong here.

I'd even go so far as to write it all out on a nice piece of stationary and hang it in a place where your son won't see it, but where you can read it and recall how the judge validated you.

Onward!

A good friend of our family passed two weeks ago from his battle with brain cancer. He was the kindest man to everyone. At the memorial I heard over and over about how much he loved his wife of 50 years and never raised his voice to her or the kids. He left behind a legacy of love and good works and was a shinning example of what a father and husband and faithful servant should be. I loved this man and so did my WS.

I told him I was going to the memorial at our old church and was bringing our son. My WS replied that he was bringing his affair partner baby momma and that we all need to be adults and get over it already. He said this would be a good time for all to meet her including our SON! He said that He has to meet her soon so he can be apart of her life and know his little sister! And that he doesn’t want to wait until the last minute! Wow my WS is so disrespectful on so many levels. Of course I went to the memorial without my son. The court

ruled no meeting until our sons therapist thinks he’s emotionally ready. I found out that WS has been grooming our

son to meet his Baby momma and says stuff like”she is so

nice and really wants to meet you” WS isn’t supposed to be doing this....will there ever be an end to his selfish stupidity?

How convenient of him to stage the meeting of Lucy McWhoredrawers in front of so many witnesses to his contempt of court antics.

First off, stop engaging with him. Simply don't take your son to the service. That will really let the wind out of his sails. Then you can say to the court that since he was planning on bringing her and because YOU would not violate a court order, you left your son at home.

Seriously, get smart about this. Let your son know that he can definitely confide anything in his therapist, especially things like this that are bothersome and hurtful.

Cat

Thanks for the great advice!

One week ago everything was finalized in court and our agreements stamped “so be it” by the family court judge! I have all the paperwork and our new rules for visitation that protect my son from seeing my WXH affair partner turned baby momma! It’s all in place, my son is in therapy, I’m improving but I still have to communicate and deal with my X! I am still so triggered by this joker! I really need some advice! Today he was lecturing me about being mature and letting him over to help hang up Christmas lights and decorate. I said no thanks mostly because my son doesn’t want him in our home! But more because he is such a narcissistic vampire! It’s taken me months to cleanse the house of his negativity and he sucks me dry emotionally! Don’t want to see him, or talk to him. I’m still so angry! He actually suggested that it was time for me to unblock his baby mommas phone number so she could break her silence about their love and the affair baby coming! What a crock of shit! This is the same whore who sent naked pictures of herself to my H and met him for sex while we were still a couple! This is the trollop who helped to break up a home and refused my requests to stop pursuing until we decided to breakup or reconcile. NO Not happening! I don’t want to talk to “Lucy McWhoredrawers” about anything. She can suck it and I do not want my child around a Woman like her! Their demon spawn is due February 27th! Am I wrong to want no part of them?

Mojojo, your words are giving me flashbacks. My exWW too tried to get me to play nice with her AP-turned-"husband" and I told her in no uncertain terms that he was to stay out of my sight. Forever. He made the mistake of trying to speak to me once and hasn't made that mistake since. Whenever I'm at their house to pick up or drop off my daughter, he stays his ass inside the house. I wish there was something I could do legally to keep him from being able to be in her life at all.

And don't feel bad about not wanting anything to do with the OW or the affair baby. My exWW's affair baby will be turning three next year and I've never spoken to him and I don't want anything to do with him. I don't hate the boy, but I don't need to be around the living reminder that my wife spent a year boning some 23 year old still living with his parents making $11.50 an hour chucklefuck while acting like I didn't exist and preparing to destroy the family. And the OM? He knew full well that she was married. He even knew my name though we had never met.

As for the anger, that's normal. I felt a kind of rage I didn't know was possible after DDay and it was there for months. In retrospect I was a pretty unpleasant person to be around at that time, but it passed. It'll pass for you too.

wow, where does he get off.

The house you live in is your home, yours, he has no place in it and cannot demand to be allowed to play happy families.

Your home is the safe haven for you and your son, it's a place for you to make happy memories, not for him to pretend he has a place in it.

He sacked you from that job.

Just stick to the court orders, do not engage with him, text or email only.

He wanted a new family, now he gets to lay in the bed he created, xmas or not.

Have a wonderful xmas with your son, make it special for you both. Hugs.

Yes, I agree with hard_yards. He is a narcissist and he will never stop hovering and manipulating. No contact equals no new hurts. Only necessary contact per court order, and then by email or text. He gave up any right to be in your home. Grey Rock. Have a great holidays for you and your son.