SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have a close friend that has cheating on her husband for a long time now. She has three kids as well. Its a bad situation bc i have know her husband well and he is suspicious that she has been cheating for awhile. It seems like everyone knows but him. She says she doesn't know how to tell him and i have been encouraging her to bring it up. Right now she just doesn't seem right and is depressed and continuing to see other men. What should I do??

Tough situation. I might suggest pointing your friend to this site and have her go through some posts in the Just found out section and the wayward section.

Perhaps will give her some first hand perspective of both sides and alert her to the real life reality. On the other hand maybe she will just continue.....

Tell her that you will no longer be a party to her cheating. That she has 48 hours to tell her H or you will.

And be prepared to do it. You don’t have to give him details but tell him you know she has been cheating for _____ (years or months).

Tell him to get the details from her. But feel free to tell him who the AP is - if you know

I would encourage her to tell her husband. Sounds like you've been doing that. I suggest that you tell her, like The1stWife says, to confess to her husband or you will tell. It's my opinion that if you don't you're a co-conspirator. I wish someone would have told me. It sounds like her husband is suspicious and that's causing much distress. Ask me how I know. Be prepared to back it up. Don't take her word for it that she's confessed. If she says she has done so follow up with him.

She's seeing other "men", as in plural. Shit.

[This message edited by steadychevy at 8:57 PM, November 11th (Sunday)]

This is one of those moral dilemmas that we all come across. Friends that are in the middle of an affair, where do you loyalties lie?

Most of the group of men I associate with have been divorced, some several times, and have a history of cheating, or being cheated on. I think most of the women I know aren't much better.

It seems pretty damn common anymore.

It seems like a pretty good question to ask a WS.

Stay in your own lane.

Not your marriage, not your place to interject yourself in it.

Tell her you won't lie for her or cover up and do not want to know about it.

But otherwise, stay in your own lane.

Tell her to tell her husband, or you will.

Cheaters get away with cheating for a long period of time, because people don't think it's their business. If people would stop turning a blind eye to their deplorable behavior, at the very least betrayed spouses would find out sooner,and get themselves out if infidelity.

Ignore the advice to stay in your own lane. That advice above came from a freshly caught WS.

Hey - why not spread around pain, right?

That's logical.

Considering you just got caught a week ago, I doubt you have all the answers. If you did, you wouldn't have cheated.

OP..you give her the chance to tell, and if she doesn't, you do the right thing.

She is exposing her husband to possible deadly STDs. His life is at risk.

Other people know. Hes being humiliated.

He deserves to know who he is married to.

He is an adult and other people, including you, are making decisions for him.

He has the right to decide if he wants to be married to a serial cheater.

You are his friend as well. If he's been suspicious for a long time, then she's been gaslighting him. That's cruel,in and of itself.

Affairs are abusive. He's your friend, so stop the abuse. Do the right thing. Don't be an accomplice,keeping her disgusting behavior a secret for her.

And, it will help her as well. She can either divorce,and actually be single,and free to have sex with other men. Or,if her husband offers reconciliation, she can do the work necessary on herself to become a whole,moral, and good person.

[This message edited by HellFire at 12:43 PM, November 12th (Monday)]

HTD - you must be seeing this through a wayward-empathied filter. I can imagine this feels pretty triggery for you to consider what would happen if someone told your spouse while you were actively deceiving.

LuckyGirl - you have to decide what's right for you. Perhaps telling your friend that you've been on the other side - what her husband is going through, and that he absolutely deserves to know the truth about his life, and that it's the least she can do - to have the courage to tell that truth. And tell her that you're trying to be her friend, but that if she can continue to hurt someone the way infidelity hurts betrayed spouses, you have to question the continuing of the relationship.

Right now she just doesn't seem right and is depressed and continuing to see other men. What should I do??

Try and help your friend get better. Get your friend to a doctor and/or therapist as soon as possible.

You have plenty of time to tell her husband about her infidelity... take care of your friend first. As her friend, you do not need to condone her behavior but you should help her.

This friend is depressed.

I'd seriously consider the risk to HER mental health and safety if you go behind her back.

I also don't like the blanket advice to go and tattle on WS's simply because unless you are living in a house and a marriage, you aren't FULLY aware of the dangers that may be at play.

I'd hate to see someone commit suicide or someone fall prey to physical violence, etc. because of the good intentions gone awry from the advice given here.

The emotions around infidelity are VERY powerful. Tread carefully.

HTD2015 @

This friend is depressed.

I'd seriously consider the risk to HER mental health and safety if you go behind her back.

I also don't like the blanket advice to go and tattle on WS's simply because unless you are living in a house and a marriage, you aren't FULLY aware of the dangers that may be at play.

I'd hate to see someone commit suicide or someone fall prey to physical violence, etc. because of the good intentions gone awry from the advice given here.

The emotions around infidelity are VERY powerful. Tread carefully.

The WS in the OP is seeing 'men' plural. There is far more danger to her health and safety from continuing hookups than from an angry BH. The WS is possibly depressed because of her behavior.

How about the BH's mental health; he knows that something is wrong in the M leading to stress, and anxiety: he deserves to know the truth of his situation.

HTD2015 as you said on your own thread 1 week after Dday 'everything is back better than normal', I conclude that you do not understand the dynamics of an A. I predict that your own BS is not feeling normal at all, and if he is lucky in 2-5 years he might feel normal again.

Out the A, is a mantra among many SI posters including myself. I formed this opinion having read thousands of threads.

Luckgirl23432 please ensure your BH friend finds out the truth. It is the moral action to take.

Hey - why not spread around pain, right?

That's logical

.

T/j...spoken like the unremorseful cheater who just doesn't get it.

Luck, if you aren't able to inform her BS, then at least don't contribute and let her know if he ever asks the truth or brings up the subject, you will tell him the truth because you refuse to be a contributor to her lies and cheating. Personally I'd have told him myself a long time ago and told her to kick rocks because I have a no Ho's as friends policy. But I'm black and white like that son take it with a grain of salt.

T/j...spoken like the unremorseful cheater who just doesn't get it.

I *do* get it as a betrayed spouse with depression.

I don't want the friend to hurt herself either.

The best solution here is that the friend gets help for her depression and confesses to the affair on her own. Depression often leads to affairs because depressed people seek out anything and everything in an attempt to stop the misery. It doesn't make the affair right... but an affair plus a suicide is worse than an affair.

I agree with the stay in your own lane advice. I have known people that did this, and it backfired completely.

Encourage her to confess and if she doesn't want to, tell her you cannot be around her and need to cut her loose as a friend.

Yes, I'm a WS.

I'm also a WS with massive health issues which impact my mental health including massive depression and anxiety. NOT excuses, a documented HISTORY that is truly no one's business here and that my BH fully understands and appreciates.

Unless you've ever been in the shoes of a person suffering from true depression and anxiety (not situational caused by an A) then you can't appreciate how a person with actual mental health issues may respond in situations.

I've lost friends to suicide. I've also lost friends to abuse. You never know what you don't know.

Considering you just got caught a week ago, I doubt you have all the answers. If you did, you wouldn't have cheated.

Actually, you do not know a single thing about me other than what you have read in less than a dozen posts here.

Anything you ASSume you know is a projection based solely on your own life and experience.

As for why I cheated, that's a matter that is between me, my therapist and my H and not any of your business. Nor do I intend to delve into the details of my marriage and our R here because frankly? Some of you give downright horrid advice that can get people killed if they are in any sort of abusive situation.

HTD2015, your self-righteousness is ridiculous and your advice is terrible.

Luckgirl23432, give her 24 hours to confess or you'll inform her BH. It is neither her place nor her right to keep this secret from him.

I agree, give her 48 hours to tell. Or tell him yourself. @HTD- the longer the BS isn’t told, the longer it’s spreading the pain.