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It's possible she's in the early stages of a potential affair. Perhaps just flirting with someone but she wants it to go to a new level. Maybe the OM doesn't know she's married. If she's just starting something there might not be any texts, phone calls, or emails yet because all communication is on the job. But she's planning on wearing some kind of sexy dress that she hopes will catch his eye and doesn't want you spoiling anything. Just my thoughts.

You've had a lot of good advice and obviously as others have qualified, we're very primed for affair signs so we're not a great crowd for a balanced opinion!

But clearly something has made you feel that this is a little off and I get the impression that's not happened before.

So I would suggest that you up your vigilance but keep an open mind right now. If there are any communication channels you can check easily and without her knowing, then that's a good starting point, but try not to jump to conclusions without evidence.

As others have said, the gym could be a red flag, but not everyone starts at the gym for an A and if she's been going for ages then that's irrelevant.

For me the single most important aspect is her phone. If she clutches it to her at all times and has it password protected to death (and hasn't been doing this previously) then that would definitely arouse my suspicions. By contrast, if she leaves it around and has no worries about you accessing it, then that's a very positive sign.

Right now, keep a cool head, don't let on and simply get yourself as informed as you can. The gut has lead you somewhere but make sure it's the brain that makes the decisions.

I would go in with an open mind. I haven't heard you indicate anything that has made you suspicious other than you wife's clear preference that you not attend the party. There could be any number of reasons having nothing to do with having an affair. Or maybe she's having an affair. But for sure this group here sees an affair under every rock we turn over. Nature of the beast here at SI, among this well-meaning group.

Usually there are other signs, not just a spouse wanting to go to a holiday party solo. But you'll go and act normal and keep an eye out and hopefully you'll know more as a result.

Oh, I am going to the party! She has never given me a reason (until now) to suspect anything in the 25 years that we have been together.

Hi Dan- I hope that it is smoke and not fire. Reading the above makes me wonder what brought you to a site that specializes in infidelity.

Are there any other things you have feelings about? Or just the new job and the party.

If she in an affair, they will talk face to face at work.

But If she uses gmail and many people do, it seems to save everything, even mail that you think that you deleted. So if by chance she is using gmail to communicate with a potential AP and trashes the emails after reading...they are still available unless she does the 3 step delete, delete, delete process.

Get in to her gmail account, go to far left side, and scroll to "All Mail". There will all the mail that has been sent, received and deleted, including spam :).

Everything seemed fine up until a couple of weeks ago. We have still had sex regularly but she just seems quiet and disconnected. She knows that I will not put up with any bullshit and that I would have zero problems finding her replacement.

As a married couple ... it's reasonable for you (and her) to see the party as an opportunity to meet your wife's new COWs at her new job.

It would be abnormal if you weren't interested in where/who she spends her days with.

I'm surprised she was't more specific as to why she didn't want you to attend the xmas party.

How old are you guys? Do you know her girl friends?

We are both 45. I have not met any of her new co-workers yet. I thought this would be good opportunity to met some of them. She is usually very proud to show me off but she just keeps trying to talk me out of going.

Did your wife get her hair done for the party?

Did she buy a new dress?

Is the party at the office or off site?

How many people will attend?

Is it formal or casual?

Will there be a sit down dinner or buffet?

Is there dancing?

How long is the party expected to last?

Since your going to the party, I’m going to suggest a few things.

1. Don’t drink alcohol, if possible “baby” one drink all night.

2. Be observant. Who came alone. Who keeps looking your way. Who knows more about you than you know about them.

3. Know your surroundings. Where would be the best place to go and not be seen. Make sure you are in proximity to restrooms, able to see who goes and comes.

4. Do not let your wife out of your sight. But don’t make it obvious.

5. Be prepared for “ I forgot something in the car, I’ll be right back” or “ I forgot something in the car, can you go get it for me” .

6. Let your wife drink as much as she wants. In vino veritas

What if you just asked her why she seemed distant and hesitant about you going to the party. It may be something entirely different, who knows.

If you've been with her for a long time maybe the response will point you in the right direction. Heck maybe she is just insecure that everyone will find you great and she may be jealous of that.

I'd be watching to see who keeps stealing looks at you during the party. Any overtly friendly gestures or over the top avoidance (goes both ways sometimes) could give you an idea. Excessive nervousness if they are there with their spouse, etc.

Another thing to consider if someone is at the Christmas party without their spouse and keeps watching you or studying you. Glares should be noted.

PDAs are bound to drive any AP a little jealous. Further being the charmingnest guy at the party would illicit lots of "Your H is so funny/great/handsome." It may trigger a response in many ways that help you figure out if there is something here or not.

Lastly I think that being observant after the party would be more telling. If she is in an A the communication about said party will come up and need to be addressed. Probably in a way that they wouldn't want to share with others.

Further talking about the party later could catch her off guard.

I just checked our bank account and it does look like she may have purchased a dress. The party is at local country club and is from 7-11pm with live music and drinks. I will do my best 007 impersonation.

Has she mentioned any co workers? Like Larry is so funny or Brad is such a suck up to the boss.

Does she seem happy - unhappy - neutral at the new job?

I would say that you should be on your best party behaviour, meeting and greeting her co workers with a smile and handshake.

Good chance to scope out who may be trouble, and let them know who you are.

BOL for a well dressed lone guy who may be drinking too much and is hanging around you and your W a lil too much or just sitting at the bar. Pissed off because you cock-blocked him.

Or looking at the bright side it may be nothing....but around here it usually is not nothing. :(

The party is at local country club and is from 7-11pm with live music and drinks.

You mentioned you both have agreed to very firm boundaries.

How is this party different than her going out clubbing with her COWs??

I would like to make a suggestion.

An experienced one.

When you show up to this party, that she does not

want you at, do not argue with her.

If she picks a fight, before or after the party,play dumb. Tell her you just was looking forward to it and wanted to meet her new coworkers.

Never confront without concrete proof!

Don't take the bait and argue with her about it.

[This message edited by Gutpunch at 2:18 PM, December 14th (Friday)]

Did they reserve the whole club? Perhaps you can ask a relative or a trusted friend to go to the bar and hang out at the same time that the party is happening rather than you going.

[This message edited by Atrowspark at 2:23 PM, December 14th (Friday)]

Might I make a suggestion that if you find an unknown number on your phone records, that you save it to your phone and call it when you're at the party.

Leaving work now. I will check our phone records when I get home and will be dressed to impress by the time she gets home.

As mentioned avoid alcohol. Don’t let her change your mind. Meet the work crew and be your usual charming self.

On another note, if she bought a dress she may have already been buying lingerie as well.

She may try to instigate an argument tonight in order to keep you from this event. Common tactic amongst cheaters.

Remain calm. If she objects tell her to explain what is going on and why she doesn’t want you to go.

Do not let there be an explanation that keeps you from going.

If she says no one is bringing a spouse you can tell her that if you show up together and really no ones spouse is there you’ll apologize. I’m sure it’s not the case.

As far as tomorrow and beyond, try to look on her phone for the Apps I mentioned on page on of this thread.

Also, you may want to get a gps tracking device and put it on her car. Don’t let her know. As well you can go to best buy or Walmart and get a voice activated recorder and Velcro and put it under her car seat.

It may not be legal to use for court hearings but if you are only using it for your own piece of mind many here have found it useful.

Good luck.