SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just a note that if there's a COW that she doesn't want you to know about then (whether you're there or not) it's almost 100% certain that there will be follow up communication over the weekend about how great she looked etc.

Does your wife go out with COWs at lunch or after work?

What is her work environment like: retail, office, industrial?

btw: it wouldn't be the first time a WW spreads a false story of marital abuse to justify her behavior. So keep your cool and be mr nice guy etc.

While there's no evidence of an affair it doesn't hurt to be alert. Also, since this is a new job, it is reasonable for you to attend if only to meet her COWs (boring party or not).

Is there anything I should be looking for?

There are lots of tell-tale things to look out for. Their presence does not automatically mean an affair is happening, but the more of them you see, the more you need to pay attention.

Does your wife...

- Now take more time over her appearance before going to work than she did previously?

- talk about a particular man at the company a lot (or suddenly completely stop mentioning him after gushing about him for a while)?

- get irritable with you for no reason?

- suddenly want to join a gym?

- find reasons why she has to work late or go into work early?

- spend increasing amounts of time on her phone, and begin to guard it, or change the password on it?

- suddenly find reasons why she has to visit 'friends' at weekends?

- spend more time on Facebook or other social media than before?

- demonstrate coolness and distance towards you.

- find reasons to not have sex with you (many women seem to only want to be involved with one man sexually, and in affairs it is not uncommon for a betrayed husband to start being denied sex because it is being given to an affair partner).

- show a lack of interest in planning events for the two of you, or suggest that you go to things without her?

- now want to have 'girls' nights out' or social evenings with her workmates during the week, where those did not occur before?

- appear distracted and disconnected from domestic issues.

- resist suggestions of meeting up with you in her lunch hour or after work?

Individually, there can be reasonable explanations for any of the above, but when you start to see several factors like that occurring, where they had not existed before, it may be a sign that something is starting to happen.

As others have said, play it cool, observe, and do not make it obvious that you suspect something.

And definitely go to that work party!

IMHO instances like the one described in the original post are some of the instances SI can offer the least help…

This is an infidelity site. The common denominator with all that contribute in JFO is that we have all experienced infidelity, and I warrant that for probably all of us the discovery was unexpected and traumatic.

I think one consequence of our experience is that we tend to see infidelity in EVERYTHING.

Yes – your wife might be somewhere on the slippery slope of entering infidelity-territory, but there can be other reasons for her not wanting you at the office party. Basically, the reasons can range from wanting a romp with Clive (the office manager) in the supplies room to maybe wanting to go pub-crawling with the girls after the party, or maybe no other spouse is attending, or maybe the spouses of Jane and Susan – her best office friends – won’t attend. Jumping to the “she’s definitely having an affair” conclusion isn’t correct right now.

The gut? NEVER trust it, but definitely listen to it. Answer its questions but trust your BRAIN. Trust what you can find, see, read and evaluate. If you were controlled by the gut… then any man that talked to her is a possible OM, and any man that ignores her is ALSO a possible OM… Is there really any way to win with that sort of logic?

Since I mentioned logic: Generally, what makes office affairs so “exciting” is the same thing that makes all affairs “exciting”: Secrecy. IF your wife and Clive have the hots for each other then it’s very likely that they are keeping it hidden from their co-workers. They think nobody has noticed how they sit together at lunch, how they flirt or how they are both out of the office “with clients” at the same time. It’s highly unlikely that she will drape herself over him at the party. It will be secret glances, chance meetings and all acting as if nobody knows… when the office gossip has already grasped what’s going on…

My suggestion?

Well… IF it’s an ongoing affair then that party won’t make much difference.

Insist on going, but don’t go as an @sshole. Don’t go there looking for OM because IF there is no infidelity you want to show her coworkers her wonderful husband. Even if there is an affair then being amicable at the party might even get you info and hints from her colleagues.

If you are the typical been-married-for-20-years couple, then I’m guessing you two don’t have much of a party-life. You might have dinner with the in-laws and meet friends and all that, but parties where you go out, to bars or dancing and stuff like that… Probably not.

IF your wife starts talking about maybe you not coming along… you reply with how you want to better understand her work, the people she’s meeting there, how you want to be part of her life and how you two need to remember to have a good time together. How you two need to take care to grow together rather than grow apart. If she’s adamant, then definitely tell her how you fear you two will grow apart and that you fear it might destroy your marriage.

Heck… if there is a commute to the office or venue consider packing an overnight bag and inviting your wife to a romantic night at a good hotel. Instead of this being about the office party and if or if not, you should go then make it about your marriage and have your wife explain why THAT isn’t welcome to her office-party.

IF she’s having an affair then it will come out with time. IF you are still convinced there is something going on after the party then definitely keep your eyes open. Affairs need communications and since they are keeping it secret at work then that conversation won’t all be over the water-cooler in the hall. IF you still think something is going on 100% be vigilant. Phone-records, secrecy, unexplained overtime, frequent visits “with the girls to play bridge” … But don’t search for infidelity… Search for what is wrong. It MIGHT be infidelity, it might be something completely different.

You can always check the cell phone records online. Even if she cleans her phone, the logs are still online. You can see what numbers were called, what numbers texts came from, etc.

You can also buy a VAR (voice activated recorder) and hide it in the car she uses to go to work. Cheaters like to talk to each other from the car, since they think that they are safe talking there. But, that's probably only worth doing if you see strange numbers on the phone logs online.

Just got a text from her reminding me that "she" has a Christmas party tonight. I will stick to my plan for now. She does go to the gym after work 3 days a week but has never given me a reason to suspect her whereabouts. She works in the medical profession.

Part of the reason we are asking you to check for infidelity is not that we know she is cheating, but that she is cheating it's like she has cancer, if shes not it's like she has a headache.

Just got a text from her reminding me that "she" has a Christmas party tonight. I will stick to my plan for now. She does go to the gym after work 3 days a week but has never given me a reason to suspect her whereabouts. She works in the medical profession.

The medical industry is notorious for infidelity (doesn't mean she's cheating), OTH going to the gym is not a red flag in itself, has she "recently started going to the gym" ? and if so can you track her with an app to see if she's where she is supposed to be ?

I would get a VAR at Walmart or similar store and place it under the seat, if you go to the party and there's something going on, she will probably talk to OM the next day about you.

If she insist you not go to the party (especially without a logical and solid explanation) and even prefers to stay home rather than go together, it's definitely a red flag, if that happens tell her fine you will stay home and she can go alone, (if you have the VAR put it in her car), then show up unexpectedly an hour 30 minutes later and watch from a distance (if possible) who she's sitting next to or hanging with, see if she's flirting with anyone, if you see anything suspicious just walk out and wait in the parking lot (again from a safe distance), if she's cheating, she will have a make out session after the party and/or go to a motel with OM to have sex.

If you don't see anything suspicious just play it cool and introduce yourself to co-workers, make sure you give her a peck on the lips in front of them when you arrive, watch for signs but don't ruin the party, stay vigilant for the two or three months, it could be an EA still, an EA/PA or nothing at all.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 9:47 AM, December 14th (Friday)]

Don't forget to check recently downloaded apps, people miss that one a lot.

I think every couple should read: Not Just Friends by shirley glass

Just the first 10 pages saves a lot of time later arguing about 'friends'.

Better to read it before an EA goes too far.

The gps history on her phone would confirm where she goes after work.

If for some reason you can't attend, you can always sit outside in the parking lot and see who she leaves with etc.

Robert22205https - Has your wife given you any reason to suspect poor boundaries in the past? I personally have very strong boundaries and borders. I attempt to keep my professional and personal lives as separate as possible. Should we meet one of my coworkers afterhours or on weekends I introduce them to my wife and son. Seldom do I talk about work when I am home and seldom do I talk about family when at work. When I am at work they get 100% attention and effort and I give the same to my family when I am with them. When coworkers schedule gatherings afterhours or on weekends I do not attend. I tell my coworkers that it is nothing personal but if we did not work at the same location we would have nothing in common. I also let coworkers know that work is something I do to support my family it is not who am. Is it possible that your wife is doing something similar? I sure hope so for the sake of you and your family.

Try and act normal. Have a good time. Mouth shut. Eyes and ears open.

Try and not look for something that's not there.

Be friendly and outgoing when meeting other people from her work.

From personal experience when they start making excuses for you not attending something prompted it. It just didn't happen without a reason. It maybe cheating or not but its there.

[This message edited by Marz at 10:04 AM, December 14th (Friday)]

Just got a text from her reminding me that "she" has a Christmas party tonight.

Which suggests that she plans to attend without you.

Do you know where the party is? When it starts? You have a choice to make now: just show up, if in fact you know the location, or reply asking her whether she'll be home first or if you should meet her there.

[This message edited by Foley05 at 10:04 AM, December 14th (Friday)]

Just got a text from her reminding me that "she" has a Christmas party tonight.

Be ready when she gets home. Is she even coming home?

Make sure you look your best. Fresh haircut, clothes, shoes, etc.

Dear DaninOH,

Under NO Circumstances do you allow your wife to go to the Christmas party without you! If there is an affair, it is in the infantile stage, and this might be the only opportunity to stop it. When you are there, be very observant and take notice of her every action and reaction to her acquaintances. Her responses will give her away and uncover her potential AP. If something is going on, she might feel uncomfortable and ask to leave early.

Best,

Bigheart

Oh, I am going to the party! She has never given me a reason (until now) to suspect anything in the 25 years that we have been together. She is actually the one that tends to get jealous. I am pretty good looking guy myself and I work in a very cool profession that puts me in contact with a lot of people.

We have always had strict boundaries when it comes to going out to bars and interaction with the opposite sex. I am going to leave work a little early and try to get into our phone records before she gets home.

Affairs are easy in the medical profession. The hours are long, person to person contact is maximized, and there are lots of out-of-the-way places in those big buildings. Don't be surprised if you don't find electronic evidence. Like others have said, watch her and her co-workers' behaviors but have fun at the same time.

I am going to leave work a little early and try to get into our phone records before she gets home.

If you go online download and sort if there is anything there it'll show up unless they are using an app.

I hope you find nothing.

Make sure you don't divulge any info upfront if you do find anything. Confrontation if it's needed should be thoroughly planned.